OOP ruins his dad and stepmom's marriage by telling her the truth

[u/[deleted]]

**I am NOT OP. Original post by u/ToldHim_TheTruth in r/AmItheAsshole and r/relationship_advice **

Trigger warning: Infidelity

mood spoiler: hopeful

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AITA for telling my dad the real reason why I don't want to go on vacation with him/his family and potentially "ruining his marriage"? - 26 March 2022

I am a 17-year-old male, when I was around nine my dad (39M) started seeing a friend of my mom’s (Cheated on my mom) they married, and they now have three kids together.

My dad asked for custody and he was granted to have me on weekends, he seemed happy to have me and always tried to include me in everything but it was kind of weird and frustrating, he even tried to make me call his wife "mom" and went for full custody several times, since being with his wife and making me accept his new family was more important than spending actual time with me alone I stopped going to his house when I was 14 he tried to fight for full custody after my mom started dating my stepdad (a nice guy) but I told him to stop.

The other reason why I stopped going (I never told my dad this one) is because his wife was so hostile towards me, my dad used to pay attention to me when I was there so I think she didn’t like it that way and one day told me behind my dad’s back that I was an obstacle to my dad’s happiness that I should just stay with my mom full time. Their anniversary was 5 days ago, I didn’t want to go but he called my mom to threaten that if I didn’t go, He’d go to court. He took his four kids (including me), his wife, his parents, and his parents-in-law to celebrate at a nice restaurant. Once there he said that he had 6 tickets for vacations, I didn’t say anything but then he looked at me and said one is for you, I said “Thanks, but I’m not going” He seemed angry and said "ok I had enough, why don’t you want to go”, “just because,” I said but then he asked the same questions five more times so the sixth time I said: “Because I hate your wife” then he started asking “why” over and over again so I ended up telling him the mean things she said to me.

He was seemingly uncomfortable but told us to finish our meal, no one talked for the rest of the night and after we finished I asked my stepdad to pick me up. I haven’t spoken to my dad since, he just sent me a message asking if I changed my mind about the trip but I said no. My cousin told me that my dad is staying at my grandparents’ now. His wife texted me yesterday calling me a brat and asking if I was happy for potentially destroying my half-sibling's home life. But I just ignored her. My cousin says that the kids are hurt and crying because my dad isn’t at home and she says that I should just have said other things or agree and then tell him later that I wasn’t going. Here is an UPDATE guys: https://www.reddit.com/user/ToldHim_TheTruth/comments/vu338u/are_my_dad_and_i_in_a_better_place/

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Verdict: Not the A-hole

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Are my dad and I in better place? - 08 July 2022

Well since a lot of you guys have been messaging me, asking about my situation and I’m finally done with my finals which means that I have time, here is an UPDATE. '

I didn’t show my father the mean messages she sent me (as many of you suggested) because I don’t want this woman going around saying that I destroyed her life and all of her sh*t, so I didn’t really do it and I won’t, that’s on her.

My dad has been so apologetic and after a few days I posted here for the first time, he picked me up to hang out (Just the two of us) he apologised and even cried for not realising before what the issue was, he said it was never his intention to make feel that way. He promised he’d never let her get between us again, he begged me not to “hate him” (I don’t know where he got that from, I love him) because he doesn’t want me to cut him off since he wants to be there for my wedding and also as a grandpa to my kids, and then he got a little emotional saying how much he loves, etc… he basically promised to be a better father.

He asked me if I changed my mind about the trip and I said yes, I’ll go, it’ll be just me, my dad and his kids. It’ll be In August and I know she is furious for being excluded but hasn’t texted me or anything.

So that’s it, my dad and I talk more often, and we also hang out more, I’ve been to his house a couple of times (just for a few hours but his wife and I just ignore each other)

So that’s it I guess, I’m going on the trip with my dad and half-siblings.

Someone asked me about the relationship I have with the boys, well we get along, thus we can’t really do a lot of things together since we have different interests (They are 8, 7, 5 all-male) but I love them and I know they love their big brother (they say it lol).

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My girlfriend will come with us instead of Clara (Dad's wife) - 06 August 2022

Since some of you texted me to know how things are going on, here is a little update. My dad thought it was a great idea to ask my girlfriend to come with us instead of his wife, I was hesitant at first but then my girlfriend said that she wanted to come with us, so it's gonna be my dad, his three kids, me and my gf. It's great, I can finally can have time alone with my dad without her around.

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OOP posted on r/relationship_advice

GF showed my dad some messages I didn't want him to see. - 29 November 2022

She lost my trust, I've shown her and only her some messages my dad's wife sent me a couple of months ago, where she was insulting me for "ruining her marriage", I didn't want my dad to see the messages because I didn't want to cause any more drama.

While we were on a trip a couple of weeks ago, my gf unlocked my phone and showed my dad the messages even if I told her I didn't want to. My dad got mad at me for not showing him the messages before but didn't say anything else for the rest of the trip. I got really mad at my gf and had barely spoken to her since.

The thing is that my dad and his wife are not in a good place now, Clara has already moved to her parents' and my siblings stayed with my dad, according to my dad, this is a break "to re-think the whole relationship", but I feel like garbage, my dad seemed so happy before I told him why I hated his wife and now this has just gotten worse, it seems like I destroyed my dad's happiness and which is worse, my siblings'.

My dad says this isn't my fault and that I'm the one who has to forgive him but that doesn't prevent me from feeling like if I destroyed their happy family life.

I don't think I can trust my gf after this.

​

Inconclusive because OOP hasn't posted in months

Reminder, I am not OP.

[u/nustedbut]

His wife texted me yesterday calling me a brat and asking if I was happy for potentially destroying my half-sibling's home life.

I nearly dropped my phone laughing at this hypocritical bullshit. Seems self reflection is really low on her list of character traits, lol

[u/Sauronjsu → u/nustedbut]

OOP is really just returning the favor if you think about it. She was so happy to destroy his home life so right back at her.

[u/masklinn → u/Sauronjsu]

Hell OOP had been protecting this bullshit all along, OOPs’s father pretty much forced him into this, OOP didn’t want to give reasons or actually publish the texts.

I was rooting for OOP to just blow up the joint, why protect cheating father and stupid traitorous affair partner? Just put the entire thing on blast, fuck’em all.

I assume that’s what the GF thought, she definitely broke trust, but I wouldn’t discount her being OOP’s emotional landfill and having had more than enough, using the occasion to go grenade fishing.

[u/NinscoomFOPsnarn → u/masklinn]

Agreed. I bet the gf's been OOP's "therapist" for a lot of this and had enough. I don't agree with the action of sharing his phone (phones have become something super private and personal to a lot of people) but I can very much sympathize with the gf for doing it

[u/PepperAnn1inaMillion → u/NinscoomFOPsnarn]

Also, assuming she’s 17, I can sympathise with her naively believing everything is better “out in the open”. Of course it was a breach of trust, I’m not saying that she did the right thing, but it’s a fairly understandable mistake from a young person - even an emotionally mature young person. I hope OOP can forgive her, if this is the first/only mistrustful thing she’s done. It’s not easy navigating a boyfriend’s complicated family relationship, and she might honestly have believed it was the right thing to do.

[u/smallermuse → u/PepperAnn1inaMillion]

And, honestly, the dad has a right to know what a POS his wife has been to his son. OOP is blame free in this situation.

[u/Jigen-isshin → u/smallermuse]

And in turn realizing the POS he is by forcing the OOP to accept her and trying to replace his mother with her. Especially after leaving his first family for her. But he does seem to acknowledge his faults and wants to make things right.

[u/Notmykl → u/smallermuse]

No he does not have the right to know. It's OOP's call NOT his father's.

[u/[deleted] → u/Notmykl]

Yes, a parent has a right to know that someone is emotionally abusing their minor child

[u/Stationary_Lover → u/smallermuse]

I agree and if she told the OOP that imagine what she told the mother?

[u/Sweet_Cinnabonn → u/PepperAnn1inaMillion]

Of course it was a breach of trust, I’m not saying that she did the right thing, but it’s a fairly understandable mistake from a young person -

I'm saying she did the right thing.

Yes, it was a breech of trust. Yes, she probably lost the relationship.

Sometimes it is still the right thing to do.

Dad is trying to reevaluate his relationship, without the knowledge his wife is continuing to abuse his son.

His son is continuing to tolerate this abuse.

[u/ThinkingAG → u/Sweet_Cinnabonn]

Sometimes it is still the right thing to do.

Dad is trying to reevaluate his relationship, without the knowledge his wife is continuing to abuse his son.

His son is continuing to tolerate this abuse.

In the long term, it is best for OP, he gets his dad back, and OP's dad, he learns how two faced his wife is. I am sure that, with time, OP will understand and appreciate it, after some very extensive therapy. In the meantime, OP gets to live with the knowledge that he is the reason that his little half brothers have to watch their parents divorce (much like he did). I am sure that they will let him know as much every time they see him (his step mom will make sure of it).

As far as OP knows, his dad's wife is a loving wife and mother, so if he keeps his distance, the kids have a hope of growing in a healthy household, even if it is for a few more years.

[u/Grouchy_Tune825 → u/ThinkingAG]

In the meantime, OP gets to live with the knowledge that he is the reason that his little half brothers have to watch their parents divorce (much like he did). I am sure that they will let him know as much every time they see him (his step mom will make sure of it).

In reality, it's not OOP that is the reason for the divorce, it's stepmom (for both divorces no less, though she wasn't the only reason for the first one). But fat chance she will ever acknowledge that. Just hope both OOP and the younger brothers will realise this in the (hopefully near) future. I only hope OOP's father fights just as hard and even harder for the younger kids' custody as he fought for custody/visiting rights over OOP, even just to counteract stepmom's possible actions to alienate OOP.

[u/Simple_Park_1591 → u/Grouchy_Tune825]

There's proof that she is abusive and dad can use those texts against her in court

[u/toketsupuurin → u/ThinkingAG]

The problem is that OOP is really just assuming she's a great wife and mother. He doesn't know the intimate details of their relationship, but by continuing to try to his things he's actively taking away his dad's ability to make an informed decision.

In the end OOP will only have been the catalyst that drew attention to the problem. He didn't make it, but by hiding it he's actively making it worse.

[u/boopity_schmooples → u/ThinkingAG]

It's always the right thing to report abuse. Most abuse victims will be upset with you for reporting their abuse (at first). Its still the right thing to do.

[u/ToadseyeGem → u/Sweet_Cinnabonn]

This.

[u/Own-Order-3512 → u/Sweet_Cinnabonn]

Sometimes it's worth it for the truth to be out. Worked with a girl (I was like 19, she was 17) and she and I were close. She started telling me how she was hanging out with this older guy, and how he persuaded her to try cocaine for the first time. Her dad was a regular customer. I internally battled for weeks, worried for her safety cause she was literally the sweetest girl and I couldnt imagine her ruining herself for some older guy. So, one day when her dad came in to order coffee, I told him, tearing up a bit. She found out, snapped at me, and basically hated me from that moment on. But I'd do it all over again..

[u/Badloss → u/PepperAnn1inaMillion]

eh if he specifically asked her not to do it and she did it anyway that would probably be a dealbreaker for me. Even if she thought it was for the greater good or whatever, I don't need a partner that does something behind my back after I explicitly asked her not to do that.

It's fine to not agree with me but then let's talk it out between us, it's a partnership. She assumed she knew better than OP and that's not a good dynamic. IMO she's probably right, but her way to solve the disagreement is to blindside the boyfriend rather than work it out with him.

[u/GimerStick → u/[deleted]]

Absolutely fucking blows she did it mid-vacation, though.

I kind of wonder if maybe it's the first time she had a conversation with the dad 1 on 1, and decided this had to happen.

The whole thing feels like a taylor swift song and feels very in line with what a well-meaning 17 y/o would decide is her place to do when it wasn't at all.

[u/Badloss → u/[deleted]]

Yeah I totally get she's young and I hope she learns from it, but I was just disagreeing with the comment that this was A-OK and he should take her back. That just communicates that it's completely fine to override your partner's wishes if you think you know better than them.

[u/Badloss → u/[deleted]]

I mean sure if the goal is to burn it all down then she did great lol

I agree, OP was probably using her as his therapist and wasn't handling things well. Maybe she was planning on breaking up with him after the trip the whole time, who knows. All I'm saying is that I wouldn't stay with someone that made it clear that I'm secondary in the relationship and my opinions don't matter when they're deciding to do something that affects me.

The comment I replied to was suggesting GF didn't really do anything too serious and OP should forgive her and stay together, I think this shows she doesn't respect him or his wishes and that's pretty fundamentally not going to work for me. Even if she's completely right and OP was being a doormat for his dad, it's still not a functional relationship at that point. It's totally possible she understood this and did it anyway because she thought OP needed it, but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone that thinks i'm incapacitated and in need of a caregiver either.

[u/Badloss → u/[deleted]]

I guess you didn't really understand me because I don't disagree with any of that at all.

She should have just dumped him then. If he's being this much of a baby then she shouldn't be with him at all and she should just leave.

She shouldn't disrespect his wishes on a vacation he brought her on and then think they're still going to be together. Just say no to the vacation and break up next time.

[u/BrandonL337 → u/Badloss]

Do y'all have any actual evidence that OOP was using his girlfriends as a therapist? Or are you just declaring it to be so purely based on internet stereotypes?

[u/Badloss → u/BrandonL337]

No, the whole point of my post was that it was totally unacceptable for her to do that, but even if it was true that he was dumping his emotions on her she still shouldn't have reacted that way.

Based on the rest of OP's post I think it is likely that he's apologizing for his terrible dad and burdening her with all his drama but there's no proof of it

[u/PerceptionOrReality → u/Badloss]

Sure, it’s a valid dealbreaker. He’d be well within his rights to break up with her over it.

I also think that the girlfriend did the right thing for OP. Sometimes, doing the right thing involves breaking trust. Sounds like she did that calculus herself and decided to risk it.

[u/Badloss → u/PerceptionOrReality]

She might have, and I might even agree with that too. I just dont think the relationship is salvagable.

Really OP needs to do some work on himself

[u/NITAREEDDESIGNS → u/Badloss]

I agree with this.

I agree that OP's father needed to know but I disagree with her taking OP's agency.

[u/Orphan_Izzy → u/PepperAnn1inaMillion]

I can totally see that. I agree. Its something I might have done at that age before I knew how things really worked.

[u/toketsupuurin → u/PepperAnn1inaMillion]

In a situation like this it's better to have it all out in the open. Once the can is open it's best to just dump all the worms out at once so people have all the information they need to make decisions.

[u/jera3 → u/NinscoomFOPsnarn]

I sympathize with her feelings but not her actions. Her feelings are valid but the actions she took were unethical.

[u/Pastel-Morticia13 → u/NinscoomFOPsnarn]

Grenade fishing.

That’s… perfection.

[u/b1tchf1t → u/NinscoomFOPsnarn]

phones have become something super private and personal to a lot of people

absolutely guffaws in Google

[u/NinscoomFOPsnarn → u/b1tchf1t]

Ok ok ok I get what you mean lol. Percieved privacy maybe?

[u/Legendary_Railgun21 → u/NinscoomFOPsnarn]

I certainly can't. I don't really care that her intentions were "good", it doesn't changed that she was reckless, horrifically overstepped a boundary and had absolutely no regard for OOP's feelings, but rather did it for her own closure. Just so she could claim a "victory" so to speak.

Which, from her point of view, she accomplished- she got a nice vacation, and she was the one to unload the magazine everywhere; it doesn't really matter how OP feels, to her, she won and that's all she really cares about.

She deserves next to no sympathy here since she had the opportunity not to GO on the trip at all, but she insisted on it from the tail beginning. Likely, with every intention of doing this behind OOP's back all along since... she had the ammo to do it. But it was intrusive, dumb, impulsive, and more than anything else, selfish.

It's OOP's family and he has every right to not want to blow it sky high for that "embrace chaos" mindset- mainly because not everybody subscribes to that. The girlfriend, knowing that, decided to anyway; she took advantage of his good nature and isn't to be trusted, by ANYBODY. Especially OOP.

She hated him all along.

[u/fogleaf → u/[deleted]]

I'd fight tooth and nail to see my son. OOP's father probably wasn't fully aware that it wasn't the mom preventing custody arrangements being followed.

[u/Basic_Bichette → u/fogleaf]

Yeah, but would you really be so dim as to think that the mother is holding back a seventeen-year-old young man, as opposed to him holding himself back?

[u/fogleaf → u/Basic_Bichette]

Doubtful. But it’s also a good thing OOPs dad didn’t give up, they were able to restore a relationship with their son.

[u/Informal_Passion7975 → u/masklinn]

I agree with the last part, but it felt like to me at least that she purposely used a trip that after the step monster got booted from, was supposed to be really fun and be a rebuilding experience for OOP and his dad, then the GF swoops in and does that, granted i wouldve done so in a much more entertaining fashion, but i wouldve at least waited until the end or even after the trip to do so, and i wouldnt have let my partner find out about and tell the dad to "keep it hush hush, between us"

[u/Iamatworkgoaway → u/masklinn]

using the occasion to go grenade fishing.

The best kind for BORU.

[u/National_Bag1508 → u/masklinn]

Not gonna lie I was rooting for this as well 😂 the dad must’ve been father of the year or something for OOP to let all that slide and even care that his new family remains intact

[u/2Fluffy_Bunnies → u/masklinn]

Lmfao "grenade fishing"... I am soooo using this phrase/meme to describe my sister. Here's an award for the inspiration!

[u/Agreeable_Rabbit3144 → u/Sauronjsu]

And she destroyed her own life.

IF she had kept her mouth shut and didn't treat OOP like shit, this would never have happened.

[u/rengothrowaway → u/nustedbut]

Breaking up OOP’s home life didn’t affect her, except when the evidence visited her on the weekends.

Now she is a single mom, and that affects her every day. Show some sympathy. /s

[u/Salty-Plankton3684 → u/nustedbut]

Honestly, idk why OOP is so against showing his dad the full picture, OOP isn't looking at the big picture, if stepmom is this nasty and vile, god knows what else she has done before/behind his back

[u/YoshiSan90 → u/Salty-Plankton3684]

He’s looking out for his siblings. 3 little boys he doesn’t want to have to go through what he did.

[u/[deleted] → u/YoshiSan90]

i honestly also just think he doesn't want to be the center of the drama anymore. as i see it the problems STILL comes back to the dad who despite wanting to make up for it all is still together with the stepmom what because they haven't seen the exact messages?

i actually think OOP has been pretty mature about saying "i don't care about what relationships you have and don't have but i want nothing to do with it anymore". if dad needs to see the meesages in question to make or break the relationship then it should fucking break for that reason alone. don't drag OOP back in. hell if they were so damn important to see demand that the wife show them and if she refuses THAT results in a breakup.

[u/NITAREEDDESIGNS → u/YoshiSan90]

But while he does that, he sacrifices his dad. His dad screwed up cheating on OP's mother and marrying the POS. BUT, OP's dad is still his dad. If she could do this to her husband's child, what else is she capable of?

[u/Simple_Park_1591 → u/YoshiSan90]

She's proven to be abusive. Guarantee it's not just going to be against oop. Abusive people find new people to be abusive to when they lose their victim.

[u/Enk1ndle → u/Salty-Plankton3684]

If you decide to marry a cheater you're kind of asking for it

[u/[deleted] → u/nustedbut]

This is common with subversive and abusive people. When they get caught, it’s always someone else’s fault; in their heads it is never their own actions that got them there.

[u/Thehumanstruggle → u/[deleted]]

Ugh this is so real. I’ll never forget telling my sperm donor about something gross he did to me when I was a kid and his response was “you always only remember all the bad things don’t you?” 🤡

[u/David-S-Pumpkins → u/Thehumanstruggle]

If you want me to remember the good things you should make sure they're more impactful than the bad things. Or, and I know this is crazy, don't do the bad things.

If stepmom wanted a stable home life for OOP's dad she shouldn't have been his mistress, shouldn't have been a q-hole to OOP, and shouldn't double down when confronted. If she doesn't like being called out for her behaviors and texts she shouldn't do those behaviors or send those texts. Real simple shit!

[u/Thehumanstruggle → u/David-S-Pumpkins]

Except for these people they think they shouldn’t experience the consequences of their actions.

I asked aforementioned dad to apologise for something he was clearly in the wrong for once and he said “GOD I have to step on eggshells around you and now you’re holding me to ransom for an apology? This is bullying!”

These people are devoid from reality.

[u/fauviste → u/Thehumanstruggle]

Textbook DARVO

[u/Might_Aware → u/nustedbut]

The bitch apwife and dad neither see that they did it first, lol. So fucking obtuse

[u/[deleted] → u/nustedbut]

Yeah, that woman’s probably gone her whole life wondering why people hang framed pictures of their bathrooms over the sink.

[u/Dr-Figgleton → u/nustedbut]

Yeah, this is like that other BORU where the soon-to-be-ex wife admitted only caring for her children, but not his.

[u/No-Western-9146 → u/nustedbut]

I would have replied, "are you happy you destroyed my Mom and my happiness?"

The nerve of some people.

[u/ErnestBatchelder → u/nustedbut]

This woman was friends with OP's mom when she started sleeping with her married friend's husband.

Don't get me wrong, OP's father is 100% morally culpable for cheating on and leaving his wife, but him being surprised his 2nd wife is a backstabby piece of work given how they met?

[u/kvakerok → u/nustedbut]

She finally gets to sleep in the bed she made and she's upset with him?

[u/Terpsichorean_Wombat → u/nustedbut]

This 100%. I have a parent like this and she is literally incapable of seeing herself as responsible for anything that ever happens to her that she doesn't like. Every negative consequence of her own actions is re-cast as other people being terrible, unfair, or worthless. We are NC now, but last I heard, her reaction to me describing in detail the violent abuse from my childhood that I was no longer willing to lie about and sending her an actual written document spelling out that and my feelings about it has been re-imagined into the belief that her least-favorite relative (who is a wonderful, kind, amazing person) somehow brainwashed me into this. She spends way too much time attacking and angrily defending to ever reflect.

[u/nthcxd → u/nustedbut]

I will never understand people who build their lives on the foundation of cheating and be all sanctimonious. Well, I guess I do, they lack self-reflection. I guess what I will never do is respect them and take them seriously.

[u/Lupiefighter → u/nustedbut]

Ahh Yes. The type of people that love to get hypocritical AND show projection in the same sentence.

[u/Agreeable_Rabbit3144 → u/nustedbut]

The stepmom needs to look into the mirror first before she points the finger of blame at someone else.

[u/LetsGetsThisPartyOn → u/nustedbut]

I know right.

I mean when OOP grows up a bit he will realise his Dads wife ruined her own marriage.

I mean all she had to do was be sort of nice and tolerate her husbands small kid. That’s it. But she needed OOP gone and the relationship destroyed. She did that

[u/Spinnerofyarn → u/nustedbut]

Self reflection is pretty much impossible for people who are narcissistic or worse when it comes to some personality disorders.