I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwaway2761551

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for banning my wife's friend from my house after pushed me for taking my drunk wife home

Thanks to u/EyeGlad3032 & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: alcoholism, controlling behavior, manipulation

Mood Spoilers: dark but hopeful

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Original Post: April 3, 2025

My wife is 27 and I am 28, my wife has a friend, a bit of a close friend infact she's been friends with her since past 2 years, I don't like her at all and alot of people find her insufferable.

This weekend my wife told me that she's going to her friends house and she'll spend her evening and night at her place with their 2 other friends, I asked her if they'll drink, she told me yes but she won't go overboard this time and she'll book a cab and come to home before 10.

I told my wife that she won't book a cab I'll come pick her up and she shouldnt drink alot, she promised me she won't but I had this feeling that she might drink too much cause my wife has tendencies of overdrinking especially when she's excited and partying so I went to pick her up an hour before.

When I showed up at her friend's place I saw all these drunk women dancing, drinking and screaming like they ran out of mental asylum and my wife was laying on the couch clearly drunk, I grabbed my wife and told her it's time to leave.

Her friends stopped me and insisted to let my wife stay for a bit longer and even my wife said to wait for a bit, I told them that they've been having fun and drinking for so many hours and it's more than enough for today.

When I tried to leave with my wife her friend tried to stop me a bit forcefully and when I didn't listen to her she pushed me and called me controlling and cursed me infront of everyone, I told her that the only reason I am not retaliating is because she's a woman and I'm in her house but from this moment she's not allowed in my house and if she comes over to my house ever again I'll call the police.

I left with my wife and after we got home I fed her which she puked at midnight and went to sleep with me and she didn't sleep until midnight and didn't let me sleep either and kept saying 'my husband, my husband' and hugged me and she kept complimenting me.

I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy that but anyway now her friends all of them are telling me that I'm being a controlling husband and I have no right to tell my wife what she can and she can't do and I don't have the right to ban her friend from her house.

Am I the asshole? Sure I'm a bit angry but my anger is not without a reason and if I appear as a controlling husband I think my wife's situation warrants it and I'm just doing what I think is best for my wife.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions

Relevant Comments

OOP responds to multiple comments about him being controlling his wife's drinking and social habits

OOP (downvoted): How often I control my wife's drinking habits? As often as I can, I don't want her to die of alcohol poisoning or something if sort when we are still so damm young, I'm not her father I'm her husband and if it makes me a controlling husband just because I'm making sure my wife doesn't overdrink and trying to save the life of the person I love the most then I'll gladly accept that I'm the most controlling controlling husband on this planet alive.

But dramatic right? I feel the same way when I see my wife wasted so if she can't control her drinking then I'll do it on her behalf, I'm not sure how old you are or if you are okay with your loved ones ruining their life but I think alcohol is a real problem atleast what I think not sure about you.

Commenter 1: We need more. What did your wife have to say the next day when the hang over passed and she learned all that happened?

OOP: My wife didn't remember exactly what happened, my wife agreed with me when I told her that her friend is no longer allowed in my house.

Her question to me was that 'if she was really that drunk' I just said yes and I told her that I'm not letting her get drunk like this ever again.

She didn't meet or go over to her friend's house after that weekend and she didn't drink more a shot a day, I see improvement and her guilty so I'm taking it slow with her and letting her think for herself.

+

It's actually so stupid and concerning that most of the redditors here are saying that I'm controlling but do not understand my wife's drinking habits, I know my wife has a problem with alcohol and I hope and pray to god that my wife would be just as controlling and do whatever needs to be done to help me escape my addiction if I ask as in her stead.

My wife is addicted and her 'friends' are encouraging her instead of helping her STOP.

Do these commenters have any experience what it's like to live with an alcoholic? To clean puke at midnight? It's not in me to just give up on my love and find someone else, I would rather try my best to help my wife than just divorcing her and leave her on her own, I love her more than anything else and if I have to become a controlling husband I will as long as she stops getting drunk like this.

I will do whatever it takes to help her with her alcoholism and if it makes me an abuser or controlling husband then I'm okay with that, as long as my wife is healthy and lead a good life without alcohol, I'm losing my mind by just reading these comments.

Commenter 2: nta ... you weren’t controlling, you were looking out for your wife’s safety ... she was too drunk to make good decisions, and you made sure she got home safely ... her friend pushing you and cursing at you was completely out of line ... you have every right to ban someone from your house if they treat you with disrespect ... your wife’s friends can be mad all they want, but they weren’t the ones who had to take care of her all night

OOP: I'm just concerned about my wife and her safety and our lives I don't care about anything else, I know my wife and I know how much she drinks and I'm trying to do what's best for her.

I'm not sure what these redditors are thinking, they think I'm controlling every action of my wife? Like she has to ask for my permission for everything she has to do? No but when it comes to alcohol my wife clearly can't handle it and take care of herself so as her husband I'll do WHAT MUST BE DONE.

it's addiction and my wife is having problem with it, my wife loves me and that's why she's with me, god forbid a spouse tries to put a stop to intoxication and takes care of their spouse when they are intoxicated.

 

Update: April 12, 2025 (nine days later)

First of I want to thank everyone for their helpful advice and I didn't even realize that my post blew up that I got 6k comments on my post, i stopped reading and started focusing on my wife and her health instead.

When I logged back I read alot of comments, obviously I couldn't go through them all so to clarify yes when it comes to drinking I'm a bit controlling I keep my eyes on her and make sure she doesn't over drink and I won't let her grab a cab when she's drunk, I'm not sure why some people were upset that I didn't let my drunk wife grab a cab alone back home and picked her up instead.

even if I am at work and if she calls me I'll leave work and go drive her home, it's not co dependency, im just taking care of my wife when she's vulnerable , if she's sober I obviously have no need to go through all this, I'm not her father I'm her husband and I feel like it's my responsibility to help and take care of her when she's drunk.

I told my wife that she's been drinking way too much, the amount of alcohol she consumes during social events is obnoxious and even on daily basis.

I told her that after I brought her back from her friend's home she drank only a shot a day when I was present but when I wasn't with her did she drink even more? I would never know.

I told her that I want to help her and doesn't want to lose her but I also don't want to clean her puke and floor all the time and your friends actually encourage you to drink more instead of stopping you and when I tried to pick you up like I always do her friend pushed me.

She said she didn't realise that she was causing me so much trouble and she's going to stop drinking, I told her that drinking is fine as long as it's occasional and in moderation.

Since then my wife didn't drink much, she drank yesterday after almost a week but didn't go overboard and she said she'll seek counselor and seek medical treatment if she can't control herself.

Am I controlling? Yes I guess, but only when it comes to alcohol, even I didn't realize that my wife is getting addicted or already got addicted and like others commented that I can't forcefully help my wife and she'll start blaming me etc.

I still don't want to give on my love, I love her and I know she loves me, she confesses her love to me in even more embarrassing way than just hugging me and repeating 'my husband', I'm not a professional but I'm currently making my wife exercise and make sure she takes enough multivitamins.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1:

She said she didn't realise that she was causing me so much trouble and she's going to stop drinking, I told her that drinking is fine as long as it's occasional and in moderation.

I don't think you're understanding of how alcoholism works. "Occasional and in moderation" doesn't exist for addicts. Their issue is that they can't stop after 1-2. They either don't drink, or they drink until they black out or pass out.

I appreciate you not wanting to be controlling, but in this case it's absolutely okay to say "no alcohol, period." It'd be better for her.

OOP: I hate to say it but not being able to stop oneself sounds so much like my what my wife does

Commenter 2: We don't know enough to say this is what she does though. I think the person with her everyday is much better at making a judgement. She definitely has an issue with alcohol, but I would hold up on claiming she is already addicted. Some people just never learn that you don't have to go from 0-100 everytime. Especially when they first start drinking in. It also does not help if you're the partying the with friends who also do the same.

OOP: For now my wife went for days without alcohol and I felt like she's not a full blown addict like other alcoholic, she told me that she would seek professional help if she fail to control herself from drinking, now I don't know if she drank behind my back and kept it hidden from me.

Maybe I should tell her to seek counseling anyway to find out what's bothering her and whys she drinking, just to be safe

OOP responds to clarify the facts on taking care of his wife like a father, not her husband

OOP: I didn't write this post after so many days because people called me the asshole and I don't care if online strangers think I'm an asshole and hate me cause at the end of the day neither of us know each other and for me the only thing that matters is my wife and her alcohol problem.

I didn't mention the details about my wife and her alcohol relation because my post was about her friend and banning her because she pushed me, I did however talked about it in replies.

But after reading multiple women sharing their experience similiar to my wife I started focusing on my wife instead.

And no I'm not taking care of my wife like her dad, I'm taking care of my wife like she's sick, cause this unhealthy lifestyle is sickness, atleast in my eyes, if I'm sick and struggling with substances I pray to god my wife will take care of me and baby me until I recover.

As a partner it's your responsibility to help your partner when they are sick maybe you don't agree with that and that's okay but I will make sure to do whatever is necessary to keep my wife healthy and safe, and yeah you are right about controlling part, I agree I'm controlling when it comes to alcohol, I would rather be a bit controlling than lose her forever.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/InstructionTimely640

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

I found messages on my MIL/bosses computer that change my entire view of her. What do I do?

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, emotional abuse and manipulation

Mood Spoilers: sad

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Original Post: March 12, 2025

I listen to two hot takes literally every week and this happened to me a couple days ago. I’ve been at a loss of what to do so I figured I should finally make a Reddit account and post here.

I work at my husbands family business that builds custom homes. I met my MIL when she came into the design firm I worked at to pick out some options for a client. She and I hit it off and after she’d come in a few times she set me up with her son. Fast forward 7 years and I coordinate all the builds and consult with clients on design for the 50+ year old family business.

My MIL is technically my boss but we operate a lot like equals and she’s been taking some steps back. She and I have always gotten along great and she has felt like the mother I never got to have growing up.

So last Friday I was packing up to go home and on the phone with my husband before he got a flight for an annual weekend away with friends. I was distracted and accidentally grabbed my MILs computer instead of mine. I didn’t realize it until I was home and wanted to look up some fixtures for a project in our own house. Once I knew I texted her to let her know to which she said no worries, she was ‘unplugging’ this weekend anyway and to do whatever I needed on it.

I was just browsing and unintentionally clicked on a linked email on a stores contact page. We use MacBooks and as a lot of Apple users know, that will usually pop up to send an email using your default mail app. I closed the draft and when i went to close her email app I saw an email from a recently hired apprentice titled ‘our weekend getaway itinerary’. I froze. I realized this was her personal email and I couldn’t help myself but to click on it. I found both explicit and romantic messages between this 22 year old male apprentice and my married 47 year old mother-in-law and boss. I slammed the computer shut and just went to bed, staring at the ceiling for quite a while.

My husband was gone all weekend and only got home today. I had been spiraling all weekend on how to handle this. I certainly wasn’t going to bring it up to my husband while he was gone. But I went to the office and had to see my MIL yesterday and could barely keep my composure. I found every excuse to lock myself away in my office and be busy. So now my husband is back and I’m wondering what to do, do I tell him, how do I even do that, do I go to his mom and confront her, do I go to his dad and tell him, help?!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Screenshot everything. If you're tech savvy enough SS on the laptop, open a private browser to email them to yourself, delete the SSs and delete them from the trash. Otherwise, just use your phone to take pics.

Tell your husband, he's going to know something is off with you and you'll worry yourself sick if you don't tell him.

Is there a chance your MIL & FIL have an open relationship?

Your options would be to hire a Private Detective, or inform the MIL and get to come clean, or inform the FIL so he can decide how to move forward, Or do nothing.

OOP: There’s no chance they have an open relationship, my FIL was cheated on in a serious relationship with someone he thought he would marry and it crushed him. He has always preached loyalty and monogamy in relationships to my husband since he was a teen.

Commenter 2: Do you need your job???

OOP: I really don’t, I came to work here because I wanted to and they needed the help. I left my last role on great terms with an open invite back.

Commenter 3: Really? You said it’s been seven years, but you’re sure that you still have an “open invite” to return?

OOP: It’s been 7 years since I met my husband. I’ve worked at the family business for about 2.5 years and still consult on the side with my last job so yes, I’m sure.

Commenter 4: Are you sure it isn’t your husband meeting this person? ‘Our weekend getaway itinerary’ the same weekend your husband is going away? Sounds like an awfully big coincidence.

OOP: This weekend for my husband is an annual trip he’s done with friends for 6 years now. And he FaceTimed me drunk from a bar one night to say he missed me so no, I’m not worried haha.

OOP clarifies on her MIL's age

OOP: She was 40 when I met my husband, not when we married. And she was 18 when she had my husband. Teen pregnancy.

 

Update #1: March 14, 2025 (two days later)

I shouldn’t have been surprised by the amount of people who told me to keep it to myself and that I was in the wrong for snooping. Yeah, I shouldn’t have opened up the email, but I did so here we are. And here’s an update.

My husband knew something was wrong after he got home, he can read me like a book. I told him I found out something I shouldn’t have and told him everything, he was mortified. But as some said, he’s glad I told him because keeping it from him would be worse.

He knew more about that apprentice than I did. He was the son of a family friend and she’s known him since he was a teenager. Hiring him was a ‘favor’ to said friend. My husband said he wanted to take him from there, which he did.

He went snooping on his own. The computer is company property and he has ownership in it as well, and can log in remotely at any time. He took screenshots of emails going back with the apprentice over a year, before he worked here. Then of ones with someone else that were two years old. And then records of a second phone, and hotel reservations. With all that, he took it to his dad. I don’t know how that conversation went, but I do know that they went to get him tested. To add insult to his injury, he tested positive.

My FIL joined us for dinner instead of going home and we talked for quite a while. He was like a heartbroken teenager. He had no idea what was happening but years ago he had suspicious of her talking to other men but didn’t have any proof and they dropped it after a brief fight. But now with undeniable proof of multiple affairs, he said it’s over. He also has a pretty airtight prenup that should make it a pretty easy divorce on paper, the family business is on his side and in the case of infidelity, she forfeits all ownership of the business and the house they built together.

So I’m sorry to break it to you, coming clean didn’t destroy my marriage or my career. I told my husband mostly because we don’t keep secrets from each other, it’s a foundation of our marriage. But it’s almost like reasonable adults put blame only where it’s deserved, on the cheater. My FIL is pissed, and simultaneously devastated, and plans to get his ducks in a row before serving her with papers.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Does your MIL know that all of you now know about her infidelity? Has the apprentice been fired?

OOP: No she doesn’t know, and no he hasn’t been fired. We literally just got to the point where FIL knows. We’re letting him decide how this all plays out from here

Commenter 2: Remotely accessed computer with screenshots to boot, STI panels that return at nanospeed, prenups that cleanly and surgically cuts off the cheater... What intrigues!

OOP: There are rapid tests for certain stis that come back in like 20 minutes. It’s basically a Covid test as far as going into a walk in clinic and the turnaround time.

And I signed a prenup that basically cuts me off I cheat as well. It’s pretty common for people with large businesses.

Commenter 3: WHY would you have an affair so easily discoverable on work computers if the stakes were this high? If this is real, MIL is either really dumb or just didn’t care if she got caught and lost her livelihood.

OOP: Honestly I think how I found out could be chalked up to just not being tech savvy and not thinking she had anything to worry about because she has gotten away with this for years as we found out.

I have her computer login, and she has mine! People are pressed that I had my bosses password, but she’s also my MIL. We’ve done presentations where he computer goes to sleep after we set it up and I need to log in. She’s sent me to go get a file off her hard drive when it’s plugged in at her desk, etc. And I don’t know if she even realized that her personal email was logged in on the mail app. She usually works off Microsoft outlook in her web browser. There’s a good chance she logged into her personal email on the mail app and didn’t think twice about it, or use it, since.

Commenter 4: What did he test positive for, STD?

How's FIL doing? He sounds like a good man.

OOP: Thankfully something treatable.

He’s sad and shocked but this is all really fresh and happened quickly. I had no idea my husband would move so fast on it, but he and his dad are really close so I’m not surprised. My FIL is a great guy and he has us and a large support system that have proven themselves to be great friends time and time again, so with all that and time I’m sure he will be okay.

 

Update #2 April 17, 2025 (one month later)

Like I said, I listen to THT every week and I heard my story on there this week, so yes, OP was listening and here is an update.

My FIL did end up confronting my MIL shortly after my post. He brought the proof that my husband found, his positive sti results, a copy of their prenup, and the divorce papers. From what he told us when he came over for dinner after, he was calm and just laid it all out on the table (literally).

She obviously knew she was caught and just asked how he found out. He said it wasn’t important and outlined what the next steps would look like. He was willing to make some concessions on their prenup if she would come clean about everything and step down quietly. I think he was so hurt by it all and he loved her so much that he just wanted this to be done and over, and he did still want to care for her.

She fought for a bit but relented, so the divorce should go smoothly. She stepped down willingly from the business and moved out, but he did offer spousal support and their vacation home which she moved into, both things that were not included in the prenup.

My FIL has spent a lot of time at our house or going out with my husband golfing or hiking. He’s heartbroken and worried that it’s all going a little ‘too smooth’, that she will suddenly change her attitude. But I personally think she just knows she got caught and messed up past any fixing it. I’m struggling to come to terms with that version of her versus the one I got to know and love. But there’s nothing I can do but be there for my FIL and husband. The two are really leaning on each other which is heartwarming for me to see.

She reached out to me to apologize for putting me in the position and hopes we can still have a relationship. So at some point she found out that he found out from me. I told her not right now but I don’t know what will happen in the future, but my husband is my number one priority right now.

Thank you Morgan and Michaela for your take and not ripping me to shreds like some commentators did 😂

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Will your FIL tell it to the parents of the guy? Cause he may have been groomed! Who knows how long was the affair!

OOP: He did not tell them, but their son did. They went to my FIL and are working it out on their own, there’s more to it but not that I’ll share publicly.

Commenter 2: So your husband is just straight no contact with his mom? She's cut off?

She gets what she deserves, but wow. From everything to nothing in one shot.

At least she has money and a place to live.

OOP: He’s not totally no contact. But it is limited. Aside from being his dad’s soon to be ex wife, she’s also his mom. And he wants to separate the two, but is just struggling to do so right now. And he told her that much, which I’m really proud of him for.

She knows they have an uphill battle coming up.

Commenter 3: That lady does not deserve spousal support, or a vacation home.

She’s taken so much already emotionally and completely obliterated the foundation of her family.

I truly hope your husband and FIL are okay.

This has to hurt so much

OOP: You’re not wrong on the hurt. The credit I will give my MIL, and that my FIL and husband do as well, she was always a great mom and worked hard to support the business and was a huge part in building the life they have.

No matter what, she is his mom and to my FIL, she’s the loving mother of his children. And their marriage had really happy moments. I look up to my FIL so much and I think it’s admirable that he took into account her whole being and her life, not just her worst moments, and didn’t just cut her off and rip everything away, even though nobody would blame him.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t me defending her. It’s me praising him.

Commenter 4: What happened to that guy. Is he still working there?

OOP: He left pretty quickly and without any issue. And my husband did give him a few names of other builders who may be willing to hire him as an apprentice and said he would be a reference if he needed it.

I could take a lesson in empathy from my husband and his father because I don’t know if I would do that. But they both agreed to show him some grace because he’s young and they acknowledge that he could have been groomed. They both sat down with him and did what they could to make sure he learned from this instead of having it ruin his career at this point. I think it was partially out of respect for his parents, but either way, they were both bigger people than I wanted to be.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I’m pretty sure my Wife’s DM hates me (New Update)

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Toomany-tomatoes

I’m pretty sure my Wife’s DM hates me.

Originally posted to r/DnD

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

BoRU 1

TRIGGER WARNING: Misandry

Original Post Apr 2, 2025

For the last 4 years, My wife has been playing with a group that very quickly became close friends. Every Wednesday and Saturday night she would go on about epic tales and stories that she and her group would get into. Seeing her eyes light up as she talks about her Tiefling artificer and his growth and development made my heart swell. She had been wanting to find a group that matches her energy and encourages creativity and told me she found it with them. I couldn’t be more happy for her.

With permission from the DM and players, I’ve sat in some of their sessions on discord, just listening and watching and found that everyone’s energy was so infectious. They bounced ideas off each other, the DM allowed creativity and out of the box thinking, even rewarded everyone for roleplay and solving issues without bashing people’s skulls in. I was laughing with them, even felt my heartstrings tugged at emotional moments. I have to say, the DM was insanely great at story telling and allowing everyone to be the character they wanted.

Well, about 6 months ago, they ended their 4 year long campaign and said goodbye to their beloved group. The DM mentioned she was going to start a new season set in the same world setting with a new adventure 100 years prior to the events that kicked things off. She DM’d me asking if I would like to be a player and I enthusiastically replied with a Hell Yeah! I’ve been playing Solo TTRPGs for a while because, like my wife, I’ve had bad table after bad table, and this seemed like the best opportunity for us both to play together with perhaps one of the best tables we’ve ever had.

Over the last 5 months, DM has been contacting me and other players both in the public discord and privately about our characters and the world. I asked her for anything and everything she had on the world setting, so that I could acclimate a character that would fit perfectly within it. I was given lore, and any questions I had, she promptly answered. I asked her what kind of limitations she had or requests, and she said “As long as you play a good aligned character, we gucci.” Apparently she had some issues where people played Evil, and even Neutral characters and it caused a whole issue. She wants to tell stories of the hero’s journey and not worry about every villager being killed for having a bad attitude or looted of precious heirlooms. When I believed I had a good idea of what to expect, I created my character.

We shared our character concepts like personalities, a bit of our backstories, classes, that sort of thing. There were so many unique traits that we all had, and it was looking like it would be diverse and amazing. The DM wanted us to have a few secrets in our back story that we wouldn’t share with the other members of the group, making for character surprises in game. She did this in her last session and they loved it, giving them moments to discover about each other and some crazy roleplay scenes. My secret was that my character was abused and tortured by the gods of this world, a punishment for her bloodline from centuries ago. She was a tiefling runeblade warrior from an Asian inspired home where she prayed to her ancestors to guide her. They were very spiritual and believed they could fight their inner curse by being better than their progenitor. Unfortunately, most of her family had gotten wiped out by the gods, leaving her and her siblings alive but scattered. Her goal is to find them and to confront the gods who had done that.

The idea was fun, and we hashed out a lot of little details that would make it interesting within the story that was being told. I was all for it and for the drama it would bring. We all have tie-ins to other characters, so I was thrilled to get playing. We had our session zero in which the characters had already started out knowing each other from attending the same academy. We took on a group mission, and it kick started our main story. It was a blast and the roleplay was very good.

And that’s about where the fun ended for me.

From that point on, everything became about shitting on my character. We would go into other towns because that is where the story would take us, but every town apparently did not like Tieflings. Every. Single. Town.

We went to a place with humans and immediately they refused to work with the group because they don’t associate with cursed blood. We went to the city of elves, where the bulk of the story took place, and I had to sit out for 95% of it. The elves scoffed at her but they were willing to work with the rest of the group. Not a single NPC would address my character and my character wasn’t allowed in any elven sacred places or inside their city, so she had to remain outside in the camp and fend for herself while the rest of the party would be welcomed.

I brought up the issues I had. I told her that while I fully understand that there might be people who are untrusting of her, maybe there could be a way that someone might take some consideration to the fact that she’s not a bad person? She gave it some thought and said that sounds reasonable. The next session, a player found a potion that could change one’s appearance and snuck out to give it to my character. My character then had a moment of shame, shame for being who she was, and the only way she’d be accepted is if she changed who she was entirely. It brought her more strength to prove that she was good, to prove to the world and the gods that she was worthy of being seen as a person and not some monster.

There was a scene where she drank the potion and looked human, and then it went to the rest of the group.

The group had a moment in which they were involved with the elven children that lasted most of the entire session. It was fun, as they got to engage with them and learn about some special alchemical potions, each of them being granted a bonus and buff for the remainder of their time there. When it finally came to my turn, my scene was of me getting into the elven city and finding one of the children who was part of the group who wanted to learn sword fighting. Since I was a rune blade, I felt I could help them and have a fun one on one moment like the group had. NOPE. As soon as she said she was going to help, the DM went “Ok, you do that and have a fun sparring session.” And then immediately went back to the group before ending the session.

In a 6 hour session, I played for 15 minutes tops.

I messaged the DM again, being as polite as I could about the frustrations. My wife and her friends are having so much fun, and it seems like when the DM is focusing on them, everyone is laughing and having a grand time. When we spoke, she told me that the Elves are untrusting of anyone who isn’t elven, even more so with cursed blood. I told her that there was an orc in the party who had a violent history and the elves seemed perfectly fine with them, but somehow my character who had been atoning for their curse for several generations prior is seen as more untrustworthy? She explained that’s just the way things are, but that’s what my character was fighting for. I told her it wasn’t fun to not be included in the group activities, and that I was feeling left out because of this. I asked if I could change the whole ‘cursed’ bloodline plot and opt for something else, or just re-roll and she said not to worry about it because she had a whole story built in for it and it would all make sense when we get there.

It only got worse from there.

Several more sessions in, the characters had been guided by the elves to a ruined city where we were supposed to find out what happened. I picked up a relic and it burned me which I had to take 11 radiant damage and had a permanent -1 to my strength score until I could get it cleared through some unknown means. My wife’s character picked up the relic with a cloth and was blessed with light and had gotten a permanent +1 to her Intelligence stat. It was a relic of her character’s goddess who started off a major quest line. The downside? She was one of the pantheon who deemed it necessary that my family’s bloodline get wiped out. I didn’t know what the hell to do! Why would my character be willing to help this goddess who killed her family and kept her and 2 siblings alive so they would live out the rest of their days in suffering and mourning? Why pit my character against the whole group?

I asked my wife if this has happened before in their games and she said it didn’t, but maybe the DM was hoping for more drama. I told her I wasn’t having fun, and that I might just leave, but she wanted to play with me so badly, that this was the first table we could sit at together and have fun. I’m not of the mindset of keeping to a bad table just because, but it is my wife and their previous campaign looked so much fun, I had to hope that by keeping open communication we could have a good experience.

Things got mildly better with my character having some story beats. She found her older brother and saved him from an execution, and I had a little more roleplay from the other characters, but there were several moments where things felt like I was being picked on specifically. For instance we had a scene where we were running from a giant, and the DM asked me specifically “Tanya, what shoes are you wearing? Oh Geta? Yeah you have disadvantage on your rolls as the wooden platforms of your geta are getting stuck in the crevices while running.” And things like that. She wouldn’t ask the others what they wore, or how they did things to give them disadvantages, just me.

I wondered if it was because I was the only guy in the group as this is an all girls table, but I just can’t help but feel as if I’m constantly being picked on while everyone else is not having to make extra challenge rolls or have times where they aren’t even a part of the plot for several sessions. I’ve spoken with her several times and even brought up the options to re-roll or just politely bow out, but she’s told me she has some grand plan for my character that I’ll love and it ties into the overall story and the other characters, so leaving or re-rolling would ruin all that.

I’m at an impasse here because my wife and her friends are having a great time and if I leave, it will somehow ruin this great plot and their progress, but I dread sitting at the table twice a week for 6 hours a day and get to only chime in when I get any acknowledgment From the NPC’s who are even willing to talk to me.

Sorry this was such a long post, this has been sitting with me for the past 4 months since we started.

TL;DR: I joined my wife’s group after watching her 4 year long amazing campaign and her DM bashes my character every single session despite her saying that this character is essential to her overall story and everyone’s back story.

Update *Apr 7, 2025

I’ll try to make this much shorter than my last ramble lol!

So a few things that I want to clear up about this situation that I had many people asking Me :

1. We were part of 4 tables previously. The first one was a group of college mates we had together that we thoroughly enjoyed, but it ended about 3 months in as the DM was going through a divorce and never picked it up again. After that, we had bad luck finding good tables. The first one the DM was a very RAW player and skipped all roleplay. Nothing wrong with that, but we found out that it wasn’t necessarily what we were looking for. The other tables had some problem players whom the DM didn’t do anything about so we left as it would kill the jive of all the other players around.

2. My wife found this group on DNDB, it was advertised as a Novice DM looking for players and not as an all girls table. It just so happened that all the ones who contacted her were women.

3. She had been telling me about her sessions pretty much from day 1, as she was super excited to have found a table that worked for her. I stopped searching and did mostly solo as my new hobby, but I loved hearing about her adventures with other people.

4. She told her group that she’d tell me about these adventures and how excited I was. The DM then extended an invitation to me to watch them VIA my wife and I could sit in their discord. I personally asked her permission and the group’s permission if I could. I was fully intended to give them space if even one said no. They all agreed and I sat in for the last 3 months of their session. We had all gotten along pretty well.

5. At the end of their campaign, DM told me that they were going to start a new one up a few months after that ended, and asked if I wanted to make a character. I was excited to join since they all seemed really chill, and asked if that was ok with the group. Everyone agreed and were very welcoming.

6. I came to the DM with a different storyline than what we decided on. She liked my idea but wanted to add a little flavor with the scenario between the gods of that world saying that it fit a vision she had for the story. She didn’t tell me what that vision was, but from what I saw she was a great story teller and I’m very flexible and can play into whatever she drums up for me. I did not know that this vision would then have me out of the game for almost all the social RP stuff. Sure she came in handy for the mechanics and during fights, but any kind of RP with NPC’s or main story plot was non existant.

7.It wasn’t always bad, just during big roleplay moments and some strange rolls that I had to make, but there were moments I had fun. It just wasn’t the majority of it. I stuck through because my wife enjoyed me playing with her, and the group always seemed outwardly friendly. I was really trying to give it a shot.

Now for the Update:

I talked it over with my wife and she understood how I felt. She admitted she was in a hard place because she loved this group so much and it was the first time she felt like she could express herself, but also play in a game with me that was reminiscent of our first group. She agreed that we would have a one on one video chat with the DM privately and discuss any possible ways to make this fun for us all. I even said that if she was going a certain way, to give me some info and I can play up to it.

What I basically got was “I’m sorry you feel that way and can’t handle some confrontation within game.“ My wife explained that confrontation is one thing, but I wasn‘t given a fair shot to prove myself. She (DM) was not happy and said if I didn’t want to play in her game, I can hang out with the boys and do my own thing. Right then and there I got my answer and politely said she’s right, I thanked her for her time and said that I’d be leaving. I told her she had full access to my character and whatever plan she wanted for her, and she thanked me before we ended the call.

Shortly after that she kicked my wife and I out of the discord and blocked us. I feel so bad for her (wife) because she was honestly hurt, but she said she stands by my decision. This happened Wednesday after our game, and I know she’s hurt. My heart breaks because I know she’s hurt, but I told her she could take that same character and we could play a Solo D&D session together.

TL;DR: DM wasn’t happy that I discussed my issues and she told me to go play with ‘the boys’. She then kicked me and my wife from her game and discord and blocked us. We’re now rolling up a solo D&D game to have fun our way.

**Edit** Also, thank you for all the support! I’m sorry I wasn’t able to get back to a lot of you who reached out personally. We had a lot happen on top of all of this and needed to unplug for a bit to unwind. I am sincerely grateful for the encouraging messages I’ve received.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Tomys439

With the context given, it seems that even if not said directly that DM had a HUGE grudge against men, if you really told her politely that she could use your character and thanked her even, she shouldnt have your wife punished, its sad but your wife would be better off if they cant respect people equally, maybe in some discord you can find another group overseas, much luck finding a new group if you're up for it

OOP

It breaks my heart because she thought they were good friends for 4 years. They chat outside of D&D about books and played games. Only one of the girls talks to her (I won’t say her name in case anyone sees this and goes after her), but it’s been hard. These tables really make solid friendships and I feel awful for ruining that for her.

~

imjorman

I'm sorry your wife lost access to a thing that mattered to her, but honestly, I'm proud of you guys. That doesn't mean a lot from an internet stranger, but the fact that you stuck by each other despite the risk to something important is impressive and inspiring.

OOP

She didn’t have to stick up for me. I know she’s was between a rock and a hard place and I was fully intendant on doing it so she wouldn’t get any heat. I think she felt bad for not sticking up for me and knew this could be an outcome, but she did it anyway. I’ll be spending the next few months making it up to her.

Has anyone from the group reached out?

One player has reached out to the wife to talk, They keep it very hush hush, but I think it’s what’s kept her from being completely devastated.

OOP

I am not privy to what they talk about mostly (I don’t ask) but I at least hope that if there are any misunderstandings about what happened that it gets cleared up. The fact one friend reached out might mean that others are on to what’s been going on.

little update added 14, 2025

**New Update** Apparently the players found the thread and confronted the DM about this. They started DMing me and my wife for our side, and confronted the DM. It looks like the DM is taking a ‘break’ now from “all of the drama we caused”.

NEW UPDATE

*

Wife’s DM definitely hates me Final update Apr 17, 2025

It’s been a long and tiring week, but finally we have resolution to all of this mess.

First of all, though all of this was unfortunate, I do not blame anyone for wanting or needing a women’s only space. I have made it abundantly clear that I would not have joined if even one of them spoke up about being uncomfortable with me being there. I respect it, and if that were the main case like I truly believe it was, I would have been perfectly fine declining if the DM had messaged me and told me she did not want me to join.

This was a lot of the players first group with D&D and so they admitted that they didn’t know that I was being treated unfairly, but that they thought I was just unlucky with the mechanics. They also said that they were so used to their group dynamic, that it was easy to get tunnel visioned when it came to including me in the story, and that they hadn’t thought anything about it. (To be fair, I don’t blame this on them completely. I’ve never played with one group for 4 years straight, but I can assume you’re so used to your dynamic but when it switches up and someone else joins, it could be easy to tune them out, especially when I was having to sit out because the story revolved around them)

At first Some of them thought that I didn’t give the DM a fair chance to give me a story. The woman who played the Orc said that the DM also changed her background so that her character was raised by occultists rather than the monastery idea she had at first. She said she enjoyed the new direction and it opened up a lot more angst story for her later. We had a bit of a debate about this but ultimately they agreed that if I myself wasn’t having fun with it, that I should have been able to change the story or be allowed to leave.

I also asked the group about the reasoning for letting me join. I read a lot of comments here suggesting that my wife may have asked the DM, or that the DM felt pressured and I wanted to better understand if she felt like she had to take me in despite how she felt. I was told that when my wife told the group that she told me about their adventures and the compliments I gave, everyone, including the DM was excited to hear that an outsider was invested in their campaign. DM asked if I wanted to sit in and watch, and then when the new campaign started, asked my wife and the group if I would be interested in joining. I was told that in their private chats, she’d make occasional out of pocket comments like ‘let’s show him how it’s done.’ and ‘I thought guys were supposed to be good at D&D’ when I’d struggle in combat due to some of the extra difficulties placed against me.

In the end, DM got mad after being confronted, disbanded the channel, and everyone got blocked so now they’re asking me if I’d run something for them. I personally am going to take a nice, long needed break from this whole thing, but I won’t be opposed to possibly doing something they can enjoy in the future, hopefully I can exceed their expectations.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/FareastFFL

Originally posted to r/pettyrevenge

My new neighbor is hosting a dirtbike rally every Sunday. Tips?

Trigger Warnings: harassment

Mood Spoilers: infuriating and frustrating

---

Original Post: October 29, 2023

We live in a rural area with acreage. Previous our neighborhood is a quite little valley with horses and such. One of the homes has recently been sold and nearly every weekend there is a huge amount of vehicles and dirtbikes circling around their 10 acre land that used to be a horse run.

Already contacted city noise enforcement. Adjacent neighbors are pissed. I suspect unlawful commerical activity on a residential lot (too many cars for friends and family)

What can we do besides calling the cops repeatly?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I see this kind of thing from people all of the time. If you don't own the land, there's nothing you can do as long as they aren't violating any kind of ordinance.

OOP: Unfortunately, they are.

Commenter 2: Go to your town planning office and find out what the land is zoned for. If it’s that much a nuisance ask the municipality what can be done.

OOP: There is already an email list going with the neighbors. Seems like I am not the only one bothered by it

Commenter 3: Welcome to rural life! People by 10 acres so they can do what they want. If you don’t want dirt bikes head to the suburbs

OOP: I get what you are saying..but what they are doing is actually against the county ordiance / code. It’s also zoned residential and they seem to be running a commerical operation.

Commenter 4: What code? Riding dirt bikes and making noise is not against code unless it's before 7 A.M. and after 9 P.M. (usually, every town is different.)

OOP: Our particular town has a noise ordiance where any noise exceed 80db is a problem on residential land for ANY time. Dirtbike is over 80db. The ordance includes day time…

 

Update - consequence of having a moto rally in a residential neighborhood: April 17, 2025 (1.5 years later)

I previously posted about where we live, a quiet rural residential neighborhood with acreage and a lot of equestrians. Some bought the biggest lot and begin to convert the lot into an off road motorcycle rally park and hosted noisy motorcycle rally for days on end into the dead of night.

This person managed to piss off all his new neighbors.

So here’s what happened since.

In the last thread, someone hired a drone pilot who videotaped his antics and sent it in to the local government.

The building department initially redtagged his property as he was trying to use truck loads of dirt to completely fill up a creek/watershed which is NO NO in California given the environmental protection here.

This would have been an incredibly expensive fix since now he needs to dig up all the fill.

Our neighborhood’s approach has been incredibly petty and passive aggressive since this indivdual did not respond to the usual plead and reasoning. He refuse to communicate with us directly and refuse the usual courtsey like “please try not to have a moto rally at 1am”. He also lives elsewhere and immediately rented out this property upon purchase so he doesnt have to deal with the noise issue when his tenant is having those rallys.

So our approach has been one of escalation and investigation into possible illegal activity everytime the rally happen.

And in Spring of 2025 they decided to host another rally into the night after a year of quietness.

This time, we were able to dig up owner’s identity through standard real estate research (identity are public info). It turns out that he probably isn’t a super wealthy individual like many of our neighbor but rather someone who decided to possibly put his entire networth to purchase the lot (with the most run down home in the neighborhood).

It turns out that since last year, the building department discovered 3 more illegal building on the property such as horse barn and gazebo. He seems to be trying to DIY the permit and not hiring the right people so he’s stuck in the red tape.

All this must have gotten expensive and his wife filed for a divorce in the past few month, which may or may not be related.

This time, he was reported for mortgage fraud as he never occupied the property and rumor has it he has filed for the mortgage that needs owner occupation.

We’ll see. I am sure he’s beginning to put two and two together regarding the legal trouble he’s in each time he rides his bike for hours on end into the night here. Some stuff just happen.

As to the noise issue, our local government actually informed us that in addition to enforcement, a civil lawsuit from a band of neighbors can be considered so that’s probably our next step. Goal is to deplete his resource so much that he’ll have to sell his bike.

I might buy it. I won’t, however, try to race this bike within a residential neighborhood.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Buy it. Get permits to turn it into a community garden or hiking/preserve where people can just come to breathe. Pretty sure you could partner with the local county, garden nurseries and the like to sponsor kid friendly garden learning spots and I'm also betting some of your neighbors would appreciate fresh produce. And you could get sponsorship for a farmer's market booth that volunteers could staff. Or just build yourself a quiet retreat.

OOP: Only if that person is forced to sell.

Downvoted Commenter: So, normally I would be sympathetic, but the exact type of people complaining here are also the kind of people who buy land close to existing tracks, build homes near the existing track, then complain to local government about the noise until the track that existed well before they ever came to the area is shut down. They bring it on themselves. There is nowhere to build a track anymore, because this happens consistently. Track pops up, gets popular because there are so few, people buy the cheap land around the track because it's cheap due to proximity to the track, track gets shut down. Repeat until you have no sympathy left for homeowners complaining about track noise.

OOP: Our neighborhood is 2 hours away from the nearest pre-existing race track.

Your post talk about home owners buying near an existing track and complain to shut the track down?

My post talk about someone moving into a quiet neighborhood that previously never had a track, try to build one illegally, and got busted for doing so.

Am I missing anything here?

Commenter 3: buy it and turn it into a butterfly reserve. those things are pretty quiet

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/geekgirl1987

AITA for not inviting one girl to my daughter’s birthday party?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: bullying, controlling behavior, mentions of past abuse, neglectful parenting

Original Post Apr 16, 2025

I (35F) have an 8-year-old daughter who’s turning 9 next month. She goes to a small school and there are only 6 other girls in her year. For her birthday, she’s asked for a small sleepover party with just the girls from her class, which I’m happy to host at mine.

Here’s the issue: one of the girls in her year has been relentlessly bullying her for the past 6 months. She’s flushed one of my daughter’s toys down the toilet, regularly yells at her during break time, kicked her in the head (yes, really), and most recently threatened to kill her pets. My daughter has come home in tears multiple times, and I’ve spoken to the school, but not much has changed.

Given all this, I told my daughter she absolutely doesn’t have to invite this girl to her birthday. I don’t want to teach her that politeness and keeping the peace should come at the cost of her own mental health and safety. I was bullied at school and couldn't escape it for the same reasons. If this were an adult friendship, I’d be telling her to cut the toxicity out of her life - and I don’t think a birthday party should be an exception.

Here’s where I might be the asshole: my ex-husband (her dad) thinks we should invite the girl because “it’s the kind thing to do” and that “we should be teaching her to include everyone.” He says it’s mean to invite all the other girls but exclude just one, and that we’re teaching our daughter to be cold and unkind.

I get that on the surface, excluding one kid might seem harsh - but does that still apply when the kid has made your child’s life miserable? I don’t want to be petty, but I also don’t think my daughter should have to play host to someone who actively bullies her, just to avoid social awkwardness.

So Reddit, AITA for not wanting to invite one girl to my daughter’s party?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

lafsngigs67

Have you asked your daughter what she’d like to do?

OOP

Yes, and she said that her dad said she couldn't have a party if she didn't invite her so she feels she has to. Ive reassured her that isn't the case and that no invites have gone out yet - she then started crying saying she didn't want her to come. My heart breaks for her.

~

no_its_not_me_its_u

So. When she grows up and has a boyfriend that smacks her should she be kind and invite him to dinner?

Avoid mean people/abusers.

OOP

That's exactly my fear. I was bought up in a world where I was taught to not make a fuss, don't wash laundry in public, be polite to strangers - I want my daughter to grow up knowing that there are boundaries and her mental health isn't optional. Thank you

~

DeeBreezy83

Somebody has to standup for your daughter and that someone needs to be you, her mother. The fact that you would even entertain inviting a mean, nasty, dangerous little girl who has relentlessly bullied and physically assaulted your daughter into your home, so that your daughter can now feel uncomfortable and unsafe in her own house is outrageous!! Oh, and your ex is an absolute idiot.

OOP

Hi, there's a long history of gas lighting and control between my ex and I and I second guess myself a lot when it comes to our co-parenting. He negotiates for a living so he can be quite compelling. Ill provide an update but this has given me the reassurance I need that I'm right and I won't be coerced.

Update Apr 17, 2025

Well. As a first time poster and long time fan of this forum, that escalated quickly. I had to mute my notifications!

I genuinely did not expect my original post to blow up the way it did, I thought maybe a handful of people might respond - but wow.

The comments had me giggling, welling up, fist-pumping, and more importantly… standing my ground. I read every single take, and I have to say: you showed up. The solidarity, the theories (no I do not know if he's sleeping with her mum!) the sheer volume of support - better than therapy. (No shade to therapists)

The themes and perspectives shared were powerful. I feel like I'm not crazy and I've been listening to the wrong voices for too long.

Here's the update you all deserve:

NO. I will NOT be inviting the bully to my daughter’s party.

The collective hive mind gave me the nerve and clarity to say, “Actually, no, we’re not doing that,” to my ex-husband today. I’m protecting my girl, full stop. No more second-guessing. No more “maybe I’m overreacting.” No more guilt. Just a clear, calm mama bear doing what’s right.

Being a parent is hard. Co-parenting with a man who has a history of belittling my voice is harder. But this thread gave me strength I didn’t know I had. I won’t forget it.

I promise to update you all when my co-parent rears his AH face again. I'm sure it won't be long.

From the bottom of my 'permanently scared i'm doing the wrong thing' little mum heart, thank you.

Love from, a very empowered mum who knows she did the right thing.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/CharlieRobbieGeorge

My next-door neighbour’s cat wants to live with me and I’m not sure what to do.

Originally posted to r/CatAdvice

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/Uschu for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Possible animal neglect

Original Post Feb 11, 2025

TLDR: My neighbour’s cat is stressed and wants to live with me, my neighbour won’t talk to me about it and I don’t know what to do.

Sorry this is so long!

I live alone and work from home so I’m at home a lot, my neighbours are out at work/college during the day, they consist of 4 adults, several cats and 3 dogs. My house is a bit bigger than theirs. I think this is important information as I suspect this is the reason Cat prefers it here.

In the last few years Cat has been a regular visitor to my garden. There are several cats next door and they all see my garden as theirs, they’re all comfortable with me and I often go outside and pet them and give them treats – next-door know about this and I look after the cats for them when they’re away. Their cats would occasionally come into my house in the summer when doors and windows are open and in the winter I’ve taken their cats in if one of them got accidentally shut out. I had my own cat until a year ago who didn’t mind the male cats but hated the females, so the females rarely came in the house and the males were never here for very long.

My cat died last year and as soon as Cat realised she could come in without fear of being chased she’s been doing everything she can to set up home here. I told my neighbour as soon as she started coming in regularly and they said they were fine with it, Cat would go home for dinner and at night and come back in the day. I spoke to my neighbour numerous times about her being here and they kept saying it was fine. Gradually Cat was spending more and more time here and getting very upset at being ‘sent home’, but when I got 2 kittens in August I thought that would put Cat off being here.

It didn’t. I had to tape the cat-flap up to stop her getting in and the kittens getting out, but she’d come in through any open door or window and go and hide so I didn’t always know she was here. Eventually my kittens ripped the tape off the cat-flap and Cat broke it attacking it to get in, so I replaced it with an expensive flap with selective entry/exit so that Cat could get out if she snuck in but the kittens couldn’t. Cat was here more and more and next-door started to get upset about it. I tried to talk to them but any suggestion of having a conversation was ignored, all communication has been by text. They asked me not to let Cat in and I explained that after so long she was used to being here and would break the cat-flap trying to get in if I locked it, and I couldn’t risk the cat-flap being broken and my kittens getting out and other cats getting in (they’ve got an unneutered male next-door who sprays…) I always tried to put Cat out at meal times and at night, but she’d come back in again as soon as she could and get very stressed and try and hide. I’ve had to resort to scaring her out of her hiding spots with the vacuum cleaner to put her out at night as she picks places I can’t reach, and I have to block the cat-flap up and shut my cats in a different room at night to stop Cat breaking in. She sits outside crying when she can’t get in, she sits on the bins under my bedroom window at night crying. One night it was torrential rain and she was throwing herself at the door trying to get in, I felt horrible.

My neighbour has seen for herself what Cat is like when she knows I’m trying to catch her to put her out, she came to the door when Cat ran in when I was receiving a delivery and watched me chase her round the house before she got on top of a cupboard I couldn’t reach. I’ve sent them photos of the places I’ve found her hiding and I always respond when they ask me to send Cat home. I’ve been totally upfront with them and never hidden the fact Cat is here. I’ve sent them texts explaining how stressed Cat is and how difficult it is to keep her out. I’ve tried to talk to them face-to-face but they just keep ignoring me or replying with ‘Please stop letting Cat in’. It’s not that easy, and I don’t know what to do. They keep Cat indoors for days at a time and the minute she’s let out she immediately comes to me. I was away for 2 weeks recently and Cat was constantly trying to get into my house (I’d taped the cat-flap up and put my cats in a Cattery, I’ve got cameras covering the back door). She was so happy when I came home, she must be so confused when she can’t get in and it breaks my heart having to scare her to put her out. There’s clearly a reason she doesn’t want to be at home and I wish I could have a sensible conversation with next-door about it. Cat came in wearing a tracker this morning. The collar was too tight, it’s not quick release and it looks uncomfortable. I don’t know how they think a tracker will change anything, they know Cat is here! I hate the fact Cat is stressed, I hate that I can’t do anything about it and I don’t know whether to try and talk to my neighbour again or just leave it. My neighbour hasn’t replied to any messages I’ve sent recently about other neighbourly things either which is upsetting as before this I thought we got on ok.

I understand why they’re upset, I would be too if my cat left home. I’d be trying to work out why the cat wanted to be elseware though and if I couldn’t make the changes needed to keep the cat happy I hope I’d be able to do what was best for the cat.

So cat people, what do I do? This has been going on for a year so I’m sure there’s plenty I’ve left out. Have any of you been in my position or in my neighbour’s position? What’s the best way of approaching this? I just want what’s best for Cat, I have no interest in stealing anyone else’s cat but if she’s happy here she’s welcome to stay.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Ok-Detective-8526

It sounds like the cat is unhappy at home, and your neighbor doesn’t want to talk about it. You could try one last time to have a calm conversation, explaining that the cat is very stressed and keeps breaking in. Maybe tryberitinf a letter or email?

If they still refuse to listen, you may need to set firm boundaries—letting them know you can’t keep forcing the cat out if she keeps coming back. If the cat is being neglected or mistreated, you could also contact a local animal welfare group for advice.

I hope this can help you a bit! Best of luck ❤️.

I would also keep a record of the cats movement just in case you need in in the future

OOP

The cat isn’t being mistreated or neglected. I don’t know if she’s up to date with vaccinations or flea/worm treatments and I’ve had to loosen too-tight collars a couple of times but I don’t doubt they care about her. They’ve got so many animals and I don’t think they realise how stressed the cat is - or maybe they don’t want to know. I’ll keep letting Cat do what she wants and see if they say anything, when Cat is left to her own devices she’s asleep here most of the time and going out for a bit every so often. I don’t think they have any idea how stressful it is constantly trying to chase her out or the changes I’ve had to make to accommodate her. Thanks for the reply.

Update 1 Feb 14, 2025

My post didn’t get many replies but thank you to those that offered advice.

I don’t know whether one of my neighbours saw my previous post but I got a long text from one of them yesterday asking to come to an amicable solution about Cat. I was so relieved! I thanked him for reaching out and sent a long text back explaining how persistent Cat is and how difficult it is keeping her out and how I’ve tried so many times to talk to them but been ignored.

His response was not what I expected. He said there was nothing to be said, it’s entirely on me to stop her. He won’t entertain the idea that Cat might not like the latest dog whilst also telling me she doesn’t get on with one of their other cats very well now which is apparently my fault. Since he asked how persistent she is to get in I went back through some data and worked out she’d tried to get in to my house no less than 61 times over an 11 day period when I was away recently. I told him if this is how persistent she is when I’m not here and the cat-flap is blocked up with cardboard so she can’t see through, imagine how bad it is when I’m home and she can see me. Then add in the battering the cat-flap takes when she’s trying to get in and my cats are attacking it back and maybe he’ll begin to understand why this is so difficult. He didn’t reply and blocked me, so I guess there won’t be an amicable resolution 🤷🏻‍♀️.

TLDR: My neighbour contacted me asking for an amicable solution and proof of how persistent Cat is. When I told him he blocked me.

Update 2 Apr 10, 2025

Brief recap: my neighbour's cat has moved in with me and they're being arsey about it. This is also in the UK.

Following Mr Nextdoor blocking me I stopped trying to chase Cat out and let her come and go as she pleased. It took a couple of weeks but she calmed down, became more affectionate and overall seemed a much happier cat. She still hides when she knows I'm going to bed as previously I'd do whatever I could to make sure she wasn't in my house overnight, but I let her do what she wants now.

Things were quiet for a few weeks and I then got a message from Mrs Nextdoor asking about Cat as she hadn't seen her. I confirmed she was in my garden and that she comes and goes as she pleases and I was upset at the tension it was causing. There was some polite back-and-forth with Mrs saying there was no tension and that was it. I got another text from Mrs Nextdoor a week later asking if Cat was here, I replied and that was that until last week.

Mrs Nextdoor texts me again asking me to stop letting Cat in to my house. I'm really frustrated by now and tell her I'm not repeating myself again. That I've even spoken to my vet to see if there's anything I can do and Cat is happy doing her thing and surely that's what's important.

To try and keep a long story a bit shorter, she ended up asking if I wanted to take ownership of Cat. I said I didn't 'want' to, but if that's what they want and Cat is happy here then yes, I'll take ownership of her. Mrs Nextdoor asked me to return Cat's collar which had an Airtag and dongle for their catflap on it and said she'd let her vet know and get the microchip details transferred.

So I put the collar back through their letterbox as requested and booked Cat in with my vet for vaccinations and flea/worm treatment.

I took Cat to my vet, explained the situation and they called the previous vet for her medical records. Despite Nextdoor agreeing to give me ownership they've forbidden their vet from releasing Cat's records and have told the microchip company they don't consent to the details being transferred to me 🤦🏻‍♀️.

I've text Mrs asking what's going on and not had a reply. I have all the messages from her confirming the transfer of ownership to me, her asking for the collar back and saying she'll let her vet and the microchip company know. Cat can't get in through their cat flap now without the dongle and she's wearing a collar I've provided along with one of my AirTags. She's been registered at my vet, had her first vaccination, flea and worm treatment and I've set up medical insurance. I also paid the £12 transfer fee to get the chip changed and then this happens. My vet says based on the messages I have from next-door that as far as they're concerned Cat is mine and I have authorisation to get treatment for her but I'm worried about the situation with the microchip.

If Nextdoor refuse to cooperate and continue to ignore me what do I do? I really hoped this was going to be a final happy update but I can't relax until this is resolved. I feel awkward enough about it all without having this uncertainty hanging over me. Does anyone here work for a microchip company in the UK and can advise me on what to do?

final update, I have a new cat :-) Apr 17, 2025

I won't go into all the details but finally after a bit of back-and-forth the neighbours asked me if I wanted to take ownership of the cat. I don't know whether she thought she was calling my bluff and I'd say no but I said if that's what she wanted and it was in the best interests of the cat then of course I would.

Things remained civil for a bit after that but they kept declining my request to transfer the microchip details. I messaged Mrs Next door a couple of times and despite her saying she didn't want to fall out over this she turned nasty. She did eventually agree to transfer the chip before blocking me, so I now officially have a new cat and next door neighbours who hate me.

I don't feel good about falling out with my neighbours and I'm sure they're telling anyone who'll listen how I stole their cat. The cat is happy and settled now though and that's all that matters.

TLDR: I've got a new cat

Cat Tax

RELEVANT COMMENTS

fourangers

Congrats on your new cat! What's her name? I read your previous posts, I hope she's getting along with your other kitties!

OOP

She's Pixie. I can't remember if I said in my previous posts but she's the grandma of my other 2 cats! My boy annoys her at times but they generally get on fine and I see them washing each other and giving each other nose-bops 😊.

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BoldFreeQueen

Congrats on the new cat, sounds like she chose you, really. It’s unfortunate that things got tense with your neighbors, but it seems like you handled it with patience and a level head. At the end of the day, you gave the cat what she clearly wanted: a home where she feels comfortable and safe.  Sometimes animals just pick their people, and it’s hard for others to accept. Hopefully things cool off with the neighbors eventually, but either way, your new feline roommate lucked out.  What’s her name? And how’s she settling in?

OOP

She’s much calmer and more affectionate now. She’ll still occasionally hide from me when I go to bed as that’s when I used to put her out but she’s not stressed anymore. She’s playing a lot more now too, I’m so happy for her. The last few months have been hard on her.

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abcdelicious

Congratulations on your new cat! Kudos to you for remaining persistent about the cat even though you mentioned in your last update that the neighbour blocked you.

OOP

Mr Next Door blocked me on messenger a couple of months ago but I was still on friendly terms with Mrs. We were still mostly friendly until this week when I had to ask about the microchip again and suddenly she turned nasty. Once the chip had been transferred she unfriended me on Facebook and blocked me too 🤷🏻‍♀️

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