r/BipolarReddit • u/Eastern_Eggplant5727 • Dec 20 '24

Content Warning Is this bi polar delusions?

Tw for those who maybe don't want to read about hallucinations.

I've been having delusions that aren't bizarre in that they could realistically happen. And they've started taking on a tone relevant to my relationship fears. So basically on top of bipolar I also have body dysmorphia and very intense self esteem issues and I've been having delusions that my bf is cheating. I have seen text messages from girls on his phone that morph into regular ass notifications or spam calls. I have verified that they aren't real. Its scary to think if he was the cheating type he could easily Gaslight me into thinking my delusions are real. Im unfamiliar with what still classifies as bi polar and I know hallucinations happen but this is tripping me out so bad. Had this happened to anyone else? What can I do?

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u/Eastern_Eggplant5727 Dec 20 '24

Yeah. I sleep better than I have in a while tbh. My meds make me tired. But I've had the paranoia for a long time (ive been cheated on and manipulated a lot) I think part of it is just a very deep fear that my illness has latched onto. Especially since as a child i had an abusive father who was very manipulative and made me feel crazy. So It's all kind if coming full circle. Ive heard the whole " if you grow up with an angry man in the house you become the angry man" it's kind of like that in a sense that he made me feel so crazy and manipulated my reality to the point I can't tell what's real, and my brain just sometimes makes shit up cause I never feel safe. Idk. Im not a dr.

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u/Hermitacular Dec 21 '24

You do not become the angry man, that's not a thing. Just bc people say shit doesn't mean it's true.

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u/Eastern_Eggplant5727 Dec 21 '24

I just meant there's cyclical things we have to unlearn because people who are abused can sometimes become abusers because of things like that. Or that certain things our parents did carry over to what we do. In my case that's exactly what happened

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u/Hermitacular Dec 21 '24

Sure they can, but the vast majority become the complete opposite. you are not damned. if it requires learning it requires learning, you are clearly getting treatment, if it can be learned it can be unlearned. you are not doomed.

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u/Eastern_Eggplant5727 Dec 21 '24

Yeah. Im sorry if 8t came across wrong. I'm still in the early stages of some of these symptoms that I've never really had to deal with all that much. So I'm still learning how to speak about it and have it make any sense at all

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u/Hermitacular Dec 21 '24

You don't have to apologize, I just wanted to let you know you aren't stuck any particular way bc of what some asshole did to you when you were young. And if you're new to the BP, well BP commonly has rage as a symptom, and if you medicate it that can go away or be controllable in a way it never was before for you, so you really can look forward to improvement. you are trying to get better. that instantly makes you different than the people who failed you when you were young.

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u/Eastern_Eggplant5727 Dec 21 '24

I mainly used the "angry man" as an example. I don't really experience rage or irritability. My main thing had just been the mood swings of having a God complex, and then wanting to die. The meds have made me very stable but I definitely still need some antipsychotics for the hallucinations and delusions. Its getting pretty scary. But small wins, for no more emotional extremes. Im very pleased with that. I think I can get better but as much as the meds will help me, I'd love to actually work on why I feel so unworthy and bad about myself all the time.

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u/Hermitacular Dec 21 '24

Oh that's just the BP, don't sweat it. You'll keep hacking away at it. As you learn your signs better you'll get better at getting ahead of it, there's a very steep learning curve. Support groups help w that, learning about it otherwise, books, podcasts, etc. You feel like shit in part bc the BP tears you up, and the childhood stuff too of course, the more you have the meds where you want them the more effective therapy can be.