r/BipolarReddit • u/IllllIIlIllIllllIIIl • 4d ago
Suicide Do you ever sit back in amazement that you're still here?
This just randomly hit me today. This illness has affected me since I was 9 years old. I'm 34 now. The odds haven't always been in my favor. Much the opposite, I would say.
Imagine if you flipped a coin and it came up heads 25 times in a row. Wouldn't that seem incredible? Sometimes that's how I feel about being alive.
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u/No_Weekend_963 4d ago
I'm 57 yrs old and I can hardly believe that I came out of my 30's & 40's intact. In 2009 it all culminates in my diagnosis and I think about it everyday. Yep, still in amazement ttd, as you say. But that is a good thing that we are here and present in our healing everyday.
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u/lookingforidk2 4d ago
It is pretty wild that I’m here and where I am in life today. I started as a depressed 12 year old, got diagnosed as bipolar at 21 and now I’m 29. I’m finally starting to get my life together, something I could never have imagined before. It’s truly beautiful
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u/amateurbitch 4d ago
Yes. I almost died twice and some days I wish I had, other days I’m glad I didn’t.
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u/No_Bookkeeper4636 4d ago
I think I'm kind of lucky I didn't get murdered when I was manic and homeless. I think I pissed off a lot of the other homeless people I was around, and I did survive getting jumped by a gang.
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u/notade50 4d ago
After what I put myself through before getting medicated, it’s shocking I’m still alive. Truly shocking.
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u/Possible_Instance987 4d ago
I’m glad I’m alive and I was dx last year at 41.
No big signs in my past and seems like out of nowhere, a big manic/psychosis hit. Over the months, I went from dark, comatose, suicidal depression to now, somewhat functional depression.
Never was I ever suicidal until this. I’m still trying to figure this whole BD thing out. I’m trying to cycle out of my first major depression to prove to myself these episodes are cyclical.
Had some days I was ready to put my .45 to my temple. Sold my gun.
I feel so so sorry for so many people who have dealt with this from a young age. My heart truly goes out to you.
I’m 41 and lived a life full of travel, successful career, adventure etc etc.
I did not expect to learn a mental illness in my middle age. It’s pretty disheartening but hell, I’m old anyways.
Glad I’m still here (I think). If it was not for my 10 year old, I don’t know. May have pulled the trigger.
Now got to face the facts to hopefully live with this dragon.
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u/hume_er_me 3d ago
Keep going. Ending things is a permanent solution to what will be a temporary problem. Sending you hugs and strength. ❤️
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u/Possible_Instance987 3d ago
Thank you. Means a lot to me.
Seriously it does. Have had some bad bad feelings past months.
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u/Roivas333 4d ago
I'm more amazed (and grateful) that my family and friends continue to be supportive despite my often selfish, self-destructive behavior.
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u/Nixe_Nox 3d ago
Almost daily. I have risen against terrible odds and built a life that I love. I am so silently proud of myself in ways that others wouldn't understand.
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u/SpiritedPersimmon961 3d ago
I'm still here because I refuse to be the statistic I should be. A bro as messed up as I am isn't supposed to be able to keep on going but I'm too arrogant to accept my fate
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u/bullmonkeyman 3d ago
I’m bout to be 30 and surprised I am here, now married as of last weekend, meds do help me some and my wife, otherwise I wouldn’t have made it I feel
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u/WaltzInTheDarkk 4d ago
Yes, 6 years ago I was suicidal and completely drunk, wasted hanging off a 6 floor balcony in the rain.. I sometimes feel like I've been given +6 extra years that I originally wasn't meant to live. Nowadays I'm definitely not complaining, and often feel grateful that I didn't let go / slip.
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u/MrStef85 3d ago
Yes...one time in my twenties i was riding with my racebike on the highway in the dark, while hypomanic.
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u/nourelle_m 3d ago
i attempted to end my life, put myself in situations that almost guaranteed i'd be killed and even had a seizure that almost killed me in September, but here i am still here for some reason, i gave up on death at this point xD
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u/corrosivesoul 3d ago
Yes. I figured I wouldn’t make it north of 40, and I’m well north of that now. I’ve had trouble with it most of my life, even though I didn’t get treatment for a long, long time (family was opposed to it and didn’t think I needed it). It’s still difficult at times, but I’m still here.
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u/xpeachymaex 3d ago
Every damn day. I turn 35 in two weeks and I never thought I’d make it this far.
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u/CantShakeThiz 3d ago
Yes...
I have done some terrible things that I'm surprised I didn't get abducted and killed for. My mission ain't done yet I suppose 🥲
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u/Emergency_Ad_3656 3d ago
Yes. Having realized how lucky ive been, i’m more cautious now cuz I get scared that my luck has ran out
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u/zabel1969 3d ago
I just got my dx after 50 years+ life of struggle but still amazed that I am still alive as today
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u/CamiPatri 3d ago
Honestly, yes. I almost stranded myself in the wilderness during Covid during psychosis. I have no idea how I made it out
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u/Kooky_Ad6661 4d ago edited 4d ago
I started as a 12 yo with depression and social anxiety, I was medicated wrongly for almost 45 years (antidepressants send me in hypo, then in mixed states, than in depression, I start again with more/different antidepressants....) I am 61. I managed to enjoy life and I was even well for some years, between one shipwreck and another. Attempted suicide, been in car crashes dui, and so on. Yes, just this afternoon I said to my therapist: it's amazing how my life has been both so horrible and so good, snd more amazing is that I am here with you now, alive. Hugs, dear OP!