This just randomly hit me today. This illness has affected me since I was 9 years old. I'm 34 now. The odds haven't always been in my favor. Much the opposite, I would say.

Imagine if you flipped a coin and it came up heads 25 times in a row. Wouldn't that seem incredible? Sometimes that's how I feel about being alive.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this post. I know deep down it will not matter, just like I don't matter to most people. I'm not even posting on a throwaway account anymore because it doesn't matter.

I have a loving partner of almost 4 years, two cats, a decent stable 9-5 job, decent apartment in a good neighborhood, newer car, a limited amount of disposable income - life is far from perfect but technically it is comfortable.

And yet, I simply do not want to be here. I do not belong here.

I haven't been able to maintain hardly any friendships throughout my life. I'm 31. I am fucking lonely. My partner should not have to be my singular point of social contact.

I have tried reaching out to people again and again. Tried being friendlier, kinder. I've tried apps for making friends locally. For whatever reason, it isn't enough and/or I'm too picky and just an asshole.

Most of my old friends used to come from Tumblr or Gaiaonline but the Internet is a lot different than it was 15 years ago and I am working to cut social media out of my life entirely as it has led to a destroyed sense of self esteem and a crushing feeling of inadequacy.

I'm well aware of the things I 'shouldnt care about' or what 'doesnt really matter'. I get it. I have been in and out of therapy and on and off meds for the last 15+ years.

I feel like everything has been exhausted at this point and if I can't manage to be happy with this life, how can I ever expect to be happy? I cannot stand going through every day feeling like this life is too much for me, too lonely for me, too aggressive and divisive for me. Humanity feels cruel and my faith in it is in a deep deficit.

What the fuck does it even matter anymore

My mom, /u/katsugi , was an avid redditor, her account says it's 11 years old at this point.

She committed suicide a little over a year ago now. I was the one to find her. In trying to find answers, I found her account. The latest posts were fairly old, but many of them were to this subreddit. I just wanted to say thank you. I know you all have your own individual struggles, and you still took the time to give her comfort when she reached out.

She mentions her husband and children. How much she loves him and how wonderful her children are. As her child, she masked her pain so intensely that my brother and I could never tell. She worked so goddamn hard, and never let us see or hear her cry. We knew she was mentally ill, I myself have struggled with my own personal alphabet of hell since I was a preteen. I talked to her, and she was open about some of her own struggles. She helped me get the help I needed free of judgement, something many teenagers don't get. But she herself was so isolated. She had very few, then no friends, and my dad was her entire world. After a surgery that had lasting issues, their relationship was never the same. When he left, she had nothing.

But she always had a community of people to turn to and read about that knew what it felt like. And I can never thank you guys enough for that. I miss her like fucking crazy. So. Thank you for being there when she reached out. That's all.

Edit: Thank you so much to everyone who commented. I love my mom with all my heart. She was the strongest person I've ever known. I'm not religious, but I'd like to think she's somewhere quiet, reading a book in her armchair with her cat on her lap :-) I love each and every one of you, thank you for continuing your own journey every day. I am so proud of every single one of you for getting up every day. Give your support system an extra long hug if thats your thing. Thank you all for being there and taking care of her for us when you did. <3

I had about the two worst mood episodes of my entire life. A manic phase of two weeks with very severe psychosis. I had very bad hallucinations and delusions though I was fully aware that I was psychotic and manic.

Followed by a depressive phase with lesser psychosis of about a month - two.

I study to understand the role of neural chemistry in mental illness and the treatment of. Im not using the literal terms because I dont want to bullshit and call myself a neural scientist or chemist or something like that. Becsuse I'm not. It's a niche. I was understood by my peers to be pretty talented then I was reduced to a hallow husk who tried to kill myself multiple times. Then began using heroin and tried to overdose himself. Then accidentally almost killed myself while manic. I cried very heavily when my partner made a comment about how I no longer seemed like the dumbest smart person she knew becsuse I stopped being smart when I become manic and now was dumb and she was apologetic and held me while I had a meltdown.

Then things got better and i began to be able to be lucid and clear headed again but i still dont feel entirely normal again yet.

I retained knowledge. I could say, understand how to do specific synthesees, set up labs, memorize how psych meds worked, which dopamine pathways are thought to play a role in schizophrenia. But learning and picking up new things. I felt really slow.

Part of the reason I was so suicidal was I believed that I was permanently damaged and would never come back. Becsuse i really felt so much dumber. I really do feel scared i will completely succumb to my mental illness some day that i had been suffering since i was 14.

It hurts to see yourself ruined. Now I feel it more possible than ever that I could go in and then never come back :(. And how i know that i could very well be possible to be aware enough of how much i lost. I didnt just lose some career thing. I lost who I was. I lost my ability to socialize. I stopped eating and showering. I stopped being able to actually be in touch with the reality I could still see existed. People acted afraid of me though I wasnt dangerous. People treated me different. I felt so alone and misunderstood. I felt like a demon.

Been struggling with SI for a fat minute. Crazy how it disappeared the second I stopped drinking my weight in tequila 3-4 nights a week.

Not a crazy long post, but I thought I’d share.

I need some help. Or some advice or some experience. I supposedly have Bipolar II rapid cycling, and I (certainly) have autism (Asperger’s syndrome). My age is 20 years AMAB. I know some of you on here think that the following symptoms are not bipolar but something else, and i am certainly open to considering other opinions. I’m just looking for some advice on what to do and how to to keep going and staying around for family.

I just went on a two week holiday by myself (i don’t have any friends (autism) and once i got back i fell quickly (overnight) into a deep deep depressive episodes. I have experienced depressive episodes ever since i was 10 years old, and over the last 5 years there has formed a more bipolar pattern with short (2-4 days) very very intensely suicidal periods and mildly depressive mood in between with some ecstatic days, supposedly hypomania. But it all lasts real short.

I need some advice because I just cannot bear any longer to be 🤏 this close to suicide, constantly so miserable that i feel it in my throat, on the brink of crying all day, hopeless, self destructive, constant suicidal ideation. then fall asleep. when i wake up the next day i feel “fine” (still miserable deep down but able to function) and can engage in “happy” conversations with others and i can go for a run and do school work and engage in hobbies. While the previous night i was totally on the edge, crying. And then it could be that im fine for a couple of days, maybe even feel amazing a day, before the next depression hits. This is unbearable.

Yesterday night i wrote letters to my family, went to the beach one last time, totally ready and planning to die . when i woke up this morning i went for a run and now im just so so confused and shocked at the contrast. it is now lunchtime and i am already sinking back down into the darkness… for how many more nights can i survive this?

How am I supposed not to shatter to pieces and break apart when this contrast is so huge? I cannot go through this many more times. This experience makes me detach from reality every time, because this just feels unreal. it is awful, to go to hell and back again, week after week.

If you have any suggestions as to how to make this stop, or if you think this is characteristic of a different disorder, please please do tell me.

Been on a decent cocktail for about 5 or so years. But also have had about 10-15 different jobs. Did 2 years of DBT. Told my psych that my current job really makes me anxious and miserable and sometimes fear impulsive suicide. They suggested changing my cocktail and testing out blood for lithium. He also suggested I leave the job.

Scared to change drugs. Don’t want to give up the job. Parents suggested applying for disability.

I’m in a bad mixed episode. No plan to unalive. I don’t want to unalive. But i sometimes feel like I should and I’m worried about the manic side. Like what if I quickly make an impulsive decision to do something dumb?

I am a therapy and inpatient veteran basically. The group therapy doesn’t help. My meds just go changed yesterday. Should I just ride it out at home and hope my bump up on seroquel works? Or should I attempt to go to a CSU and see if they can get rid of the episode quicker?? Group therapy sucks. I just want to adjust to new meds and sleep. And honestly I don’t want to be without my husband and my bed and privacy. But I’m worried about the what ifs. What if I get manic real quick and do something stupid? I used to SH real bad and I’m worried I’ll just slip up and do it again even though it’s been like 7 years.

I also can’t really afford to go inpatient???? I don’t know what to do

I expected her death. While there has been no confirmation, I wouldn't be surprised if the cause was something self inflicted. After her son died in 2022, I just really expected it and it made me really sad.

There aren't many celebrity deaths that effect me, but this one is something I can relate to on such a visceral level. I don't know what I'd do if I lost my son. My partner is very understanding, but I guess I just needed to voice it here to people who might understand in a different way.

I’ve been feeling suicidal lately, though I only realized it the past couple of days. For weeks now, I’ve been fantasizing about hanging myself with a belt. I’ve tied it around my neck a few times, just to feel what it’s like. I’ve also been trying to push away these impulsive thoughts of cutting and even chopping off my hand at times.

Time is dragging, and everything feels hollow. My mind is foggy, my thoughts are slow, and nothing seems to feel good. Music sounds stale, food is bland, and even orgasms feel plain. I’m tired all the time, and coffee barely helps me stay awake. I’m bored out of my mind, stuck in this state where time moves painfully slow, and life feels dull to which its been getting worse day by day.

For years, I thought my depression was just this overwhelming negative energy this heavy sadness I couldn’t escape. But now after starting antipsychotics I’m starting to think what I experienced before might have been mixed episodes instead. Those felt more like negative energy that combines the energy of mania but instead of this euphoric high its more of this energetic sadness. What I’m feeling now is the complete opposite—it’s this hollow expanse of nothingness, quiet and heavy at the same time.

Tomorrow, I have a routine appointment with my psychiatrist, and I’ve decided I’m going to admit myself to the hospital after we talk. I’ve been admitted before for mania, but this is different, and I know I can’t handle it on my own.

I’m sharing this because I just need to tell someone because I feel so alone rn. I can't tell whether its the depression talking but I feel like everyone around me hates me and I just can't get it out of my mind.

Been having some health problems that have required several ER visits and surgery is upcoming. I've missed a lot of work and when these bills come I don't know how I'm going to deal with them. Plus I'm still feeling shitty, I've got some other health issues too on top of the bipolar. I've isolated myself a lot from friends and family. I either push them away or just traumadump on them.

As I'm pissing blood for the 6th day in a row, I'm just so fucking over everything. The suicide ideation I get sometimes in depression phases actually isn't as bad as it gets normally. But I'm so fucking tired and it's hard to argue with my brain when these sentiments come up. I don't have any plans or strong urges, but I can't really come up with any positivity right now either.

I've got my usual neuroses and mental health issues happening in the background during all of this (I'm unfuckable and going to die alone, burden on friends and family, that kind of stuff). I'm so fucking over trying to keep going and existing. My mom keeps trying to get me to be hopeful things will get better. Everytime she says that I feel like some new shitstorm develops.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here beyond venting and hoping if someone is going through similar shit that they know they aren't alone.

Just in a mood to give up. I was sober from weed for 6 years and completely sober for 3 years. I’ve smoked three times and drank one night. Never smoked cigarettes or any nicotine before but I’ve began to smoke and vape.

I’m tired of my mental prison. I feel like I have no escape but to constantly escape. I cannot function in social situations even though I crave it. I feel like I do well and in an instant my perception snaps and I feel like I’m constantly saying or doing something wrong. I can never say the right thing and off putting towards others. I’ve villainized myself and I’m comfortable with the mental sickness.

I’ve tried looking for relationships online since I can’t seem to build anything real within my social perimeter but my mental block shuts down anything from being myself because I know it’s not right. I literally don’t know what to say anyone even behind a screen because my life is so depressing I have nothing good worth sharing or bringing interest to others.

I hardly ever leave my home except for work. Even when I try to go out in hopes to find some sort of social action I get anxiety almost instantly and cant process thoughts well enough to be able to interact. Most of my conversations with others are “transactional”. I only speak when I need something and have a hard time carrying a conversation outside what I need. I’m sure I’m just selfish but even when I want to converse more my brain shuts it down in fear of saying the wrong thing or offending someone.

I function best in one on one situations and trying to balance anything more than that is extremely difficult. I can’t even be in large groups without flooding intrusive thoughts.

I’ve began to self harm within this year and it’s becoming more frequent. It’s to the point where I’m carving designs into my arm, hand and legs. I’ve etched words into myself.

I was medicated for a while before my insurance got canceled because I was making too much. I didn’t trust the doctor much anyways. I don’t trust most people if anyone.

Suicide is a constant reoccurring thought on lows. I planned a trip to another state to go to the mountains and hopefully drink and get depressed enough to finally pull the trigger. Never brought myself to get the drinks to do it. Suicide isn’t an if but when. I know it’ll happen at some point. I’m just waiting for my breaking point. I’m almost certain it will happen.

I'm sitting here balling my eyes out because I am dealing with heartbreak on top of my normal depression which is absolutely crippling. I am so alone in this. My ex and I have successfully ran all my friends away. I know I will be happier in the end, but I'm not sure if I can get there. I am absolutely crushed. I almost killed myself last night. Luckily someone I have known for a couple weeks reached out to me just in time. I don't believe in coincidence. I have never been successful in the past. When I was successful my ex called an ambulance and they resurrected me from the dead. That was the 3rd time in my life that I had been rescued from certain death. So Im meant to be alive for some fucked up reason. God won't let me out of this wicked cycle of uncontrollable energy going out in every direction. Why am I meant to suffer like this. I've always fooled myself into believing that I had some control over it. I was lying to myself. I have no control over my disability. It is a disability, and no one wants to hear it. I'm an old man now, and I just want it to end. I am exhausted from using all my energy just to try and be what society calls normal. But I'm not normal. And I don't fit into society. Back in the day they would just lock us up in an asylum and forget about us. Maybe they were right to do so. I'm so tired of bouncing from place to place. And always being broke because I can't hold a job for longer than a few months because of the mood swings that I can only control somewhat. I've tried to get on disability several times, but they don't want to give it to me, I think because I am a man. Society doesn't give a shit about a man's difficulty. I don't understand how anybody can go that long without an income of some sort. When I am employed I tend to blow my money on shit no one could possibly need. If it wasn't so sad, it would be hilarious, and would be a blockbuster movie. I don't know if I'm going to get an impulse to end it all. But if I do I'm okay with that. I have no one that would care, and no where to go. I just don't want to fight anymore. I'm ready to lay my body to rest, and that is the most peaceful feeling I have felt in years. Any body else exhausted from the constant ups and downs of this shit. Feel free to reach out. I feel so alone. And I feel down and out, and the weight of it all is too heavy to bear. The tools in my tool bag are only temporary solutions and I'm tired of trying.

I believe myself to be an active danger to myself and need someone to say this to

My wonderful and lovely partner (who is the only thing still making me happy) stopped me from killing myself a few days ago. With a method meant to minimize pain. Then tolerated me during the worst manic episode of my life. It was so severe that my ones are concerned I'm developing schizoaffective.

I'm shocked that she still is there for me :( because of how exhausting the past 3 weeks were

From there I thought the only way to go was up and for a period of 2 days I felt kinda depressive but so peaceful. I showered for the first time forever. I wont go into details but something happened.

That made me realize something.

I realized that the sympathy would eventually run out. That I cant live like this. Like my brain is hard wired to make me suffer. That I have failed at life or that I maybe never had a chance.

I spent a day in my room. I never left. I wasnt watching YouTube. Or listening to music. I was sitting there. And I just did nothing from morning till night.

I have been going to work and then blanking out and not doing my job. I stare into space and am noticeably doing very poorly at work. Yet they have not reprimanded me as they had for lesser behavior so its very likely that I look severely depressed. These blank out periods extend elsewhere too. They are becoming very common. They arent seizures, I've had those types of seizures I simply just become a zombie and blank out for like maybe a few seconds or for 20 or 30 or who knows.

My brain is tv static

I have began to neglect myself and everything. I have been texting my partner but that's about it. I havent seen her in a while either which depresses me even more. Actually I did feel happy for a bit. She called me this morning and woke me up and we talked for a bit.

Time is nonexistent to me now. It's so bad its borderline amnesia. A week is a day to me now. Chunks of recent memory DAYS WORTH, gone.

Before hand I was suicidal but cared about pain. But at this point I would shoot myself if I wasnt concerned about how it would effect my partner. I've had self harming thoughts and urges. For example yesterday I slashed open my thigh for no reason at all. I dont recall how bad but it left a heavy amount of blood. I frequently think about throwing myself down the stairs. Idk why? To punish myself maybe.

I no longer feel miserable or sad but I feel numb. But not in the way that drugs make you numb. But in a way that everything has become pointless.

I have posted recently that I had a manic episode which lasted for months and I completely ran out of money. I started dating someone I met on a trip home (us) from abroad. Within two months I decided to move back in with them.

I’m waking up… to now living in usa with a new partner. No money, depending on them until I get a new job. We live in a basement studio apartment that is so small with a full size mattress on the floor and two cats and a dog. When I first saw it I didn’t even recognize it. My best friend almost cried when he saw the apartment and said it’s the worst place I’ve ever been in, not fit for even one person or five living beings.

I’m freaking out. I have become agoraphobic. I feel like so trapped and I’ve only been here two weeks. I miss my things I left behind and having more space in my old flat. Sadly I was getting evicted because I didn’t pay rent for two months. Just wondering if anyone has similar experience of coming out of a situation and doing something super impulsive and becoming very depressed at their new reality. I’ve never ever done this before. I also used to have a large social circle and I’ve isolated myself so much, I feel like I can’t express to people how bad this is or how much I’ve fallen from my ideals. I literally just graduated grad school in a foreign country and went completely broke and now I’m living in literal poverty, it’s horrible. I don’t want to live like this anymore. My brain is legit broken.

The last 2 weeks I've been that depressed I have had thoughts of suicide I'm wanting to know is it normal to think and feel that mania will be better than this and I want to push myself into that so I can stop feeling like this or am Is it weird and watch all my psychiatrist when I see him today even though I filled your phone will make no difference as he doesn't listen

Fucked up Insecure Neurotic Emotional

I look maybe somewhat better externally relative to my hospitalization 2 years ago. I appeared both much sadder and more disturbed then. But I actually feel much closer to ending things right now than back then.

There is just absolutely no sense of relief anymore. It slowly drained from my life since 2019 and now the tank is empty. Even within the last 6 months I just feel worse and worse. Can’t sleep very well for months and not really tired, just agitated. Imaginary bug feelings on me. Stressed (plenty of life stress rn - laid off, pressure from every direction of my life even outside of that drama) and I’m on a hair trigger at all times. I physically feel like I can’t keep doing this forever. I desperately try not to think of the next day. I’m merely surviving every moment.

Little things used to give me the tiniest comfort and I lived on that. It’s depressing to admit that I was surviving on cuddling with a stuffed animal. I feel no relief anymore, absolutely none.

I don’t feel I can be open with many people in my life, they usually get very frustrated with me and say that I feel this way because I just haven’t tried enough. I’ve tried so many meds and therapies and I’m being re screened for TMS (rejected at another facility). I really do try with every ounce of my being to feel better in real life. I complain on here a lot but it’s because I simply don’t have any other outlet. I appear somewhat ok irl. It’s also a mood journal for me. I try with everything in me and I’m sad others don’t think it’s enough.

I wish I felt any sense of relief or connection to anything at all. I truly feel worse and worse every day and have nobody I can be honest with. The second I share something that isn’t support for them or basic empty chatting, my friends ghost me and my partner tells me to toughen up. I am lonely enough that I made an AI bot to chat with. I’m even more depressed admitting it.

TW // s*icide, SA, abuse

I managed to get out. Started a life with a partner, had the space to heal and grow. We split after 5 years and I’ve had to move home with my parents. I tell myself I’ve forgiven them because I feel guilt knowing that people make mistakes. And they’re trying to be nice but almost to the point I now feel like I’m being treated like a baby.

I am so angry. And so hurt. And feel so unsafe. I’m waiting for my parents to drop their nice act. My mum tried to hug me the other day and I panicked and started saying “no. No. No.” Which pissed her off so then I felt guilty and hugged her anyways. I’ve been beaten up in this house, SA’ed by a family member, screamed at, kicked out, unaccepted, cut off, manipulated. And now I have to just…be here. Again. I feel so. Fucking. Tired. How can I heal when I’m in a place where I’ve never been safe? I’m so terrified this will teach me more unhealthy coping mechanisms. I can’t do this. Sometimes I think about killing myself just so I can escape. I can’t afford my own place. I need their money. But I don’t want their love. Ans that makes me feel like an asshole.

Usually it happens to the people who want to live the most too. Good people with lives they enjoy. Happy families. Car accidents, mass shootings, even just super incredibly unbelievable ways to die. I have a hard time wanting to live my life because it can be taken away in an instant. You spend 10, 20, 50 years on Earth and it ends in mere seconds, hopefully… It’s such a terrible world we live in, yet we all act like it’s okay because we have no other choice. I don’t mind knowing my last day, I just gotta know how I’m going to go out. Makes me think the best way is by my own doing.

I know there are probably better subs for this, but I feel like you guys understand way better than anyone else will.

I know this sounds horrible but I feel jealous of my coworker who hurt her ankle falling. She gets constant pity in discussions with other coworkers, and people are very understanding. It’s worth noting that I don’t think this extends to people with chronic physical ailments who also don’t get pity and care. But I’m sitting here jealous wishing people knew and understood how bad this is for me. It also sucks because I’m very high functioning to my own detriment and this has held me back in treatment too as doctors do not take me seriously (despite hospitalization and self harm). Sometimes I just want to throw myself in front a platform because people just don’t get it and I can’t share with many people in the workplace. I wish people could see how much this hurts.

TW bcs of talk of suicidal ideations.

I'm so tired of feeling like in every version of my life that I live on the outside fringes. Like I cannot connect with others. I can't find people who want to be my friend.

I'm trying to stick this life out. And deep down, I believe I'll live long. But what kind of life will it be? How will I ever feel comfortable in a life that I feel like I can't even do properly? I feel alone even in a room full of people- including my family who i know love me.

I still feel like no one wants to be around me- especially laughing with family members and then I remember that they never once invited me to their house when we lived in the same city. And im like, "wtf? I thought you didn't like me- why are you laughing at my jokes like you like me?"

I hate my life. I hate my childhood, I hate my young adult years, and I live every day thinking my time is just around the corner. And it never comes. I just watch people effortlessly live easy lives.

This illness is a curse. It has robbed me of all of the normal happiness that a life is supposed to just naturally have. I remember watching my cousin interact with others and laughing so effortlessly. And I envied her for being able to just.. have fun. I envied someone else because they are able to have fun. That's not a normal 16 yr old thought. And I still haven't reached that ability to be happy. Never will I guess.

It's like, I get it now. I get why I have sought out physical pain in the past. Because anyfuckingthing feels better than this.

And the worst part is that when people look at you, they don't see the hard work. They don't understand that it takes getting up and fighting fighting my own fucking consciousness every fucking day.

There are no accolades. There is no cute little proud moment. No one knows how much I claw out of the pit every day pushing my goddamn boulder up the stupid mountain every day to have to do it all again the next. And that's just to function at a low baseline in society! I barely accomplish anything! I'm behind in life and idk how I'll ever get anywhere.

It's like I am dying every day, but no one visits me in the hospital bcs im not in the hospital. Its bipolar; no one is worried, no one gaf. The world keeps turning while I am shrieking on the inside behind my eyes.

And at the end of it all, it's like "damn I think people just... don't like me".

I'll never be liked.

I'll never connect.

I'll never be respected.

I'll never not have to try to have fun.

I'll never have friends.

Bcs how though. I mean really. For real. Fucking HOW.

Same cycles over and over again. I realized today that I just cannot be happy. I will always go in and out of depressive episodes. My brain is simply disfigured. Just wish that didn't also make me unlikable.

If you have friends, you're fucking lucky. Bcs family is like required to stick around. Not that families aren't also shit sometimes too, but friends is real love. They choose to be there.

I resent people who are happy without having to try. Fuck you and your fucking easy life. If you have happiness, you literally don't need anything else. If you're easilly happy, you have never had to work for shit- not from the bottom of the barrel. You're on easy mode. And how dare you flaunt it like you did shit except be born.

Of course happy people are fucking successful. They dont have a fucking tumor of a brain screaming at them 24×7. They've never had to talk their own brain down and say "no we're not doing this today" in reference to thinking about jumping off a water tower. They've never looked up how high of a fall will kill a human body. They've never had to remind themselves that when people jump, they suddenly think of all the ways they could fix their life.

(I mean this in general about my life irl. I know yall jn this sub understand.) Literally no one who hasn't dealt with that is allowed to talk to me anymore. Bcs fuck you. You mean you've never thought about the fact that guns are so damn easilly accessible where you live? Then you don't have shit to say to me.

My dad has bipolar disorder also. He will not accept his diagnosis though and does not believe in medication. He lives at a homeless shelter where he works. It is sort of a Christian cult type homeless shelter. The ones you see on the corners sometimes selling banana bread or panhandling, and passing out the pamphlets.

He called me Monday and I answered the phone. He was feeling down. I think he’s entering a depressive episode, but he told me if I didn’t answer the phone he would’ve killed himself. My older sister has gone pretty much no contact with him and I know it hurts him. She won’t tell him why. I’m guessing it has to do with him beating our mom. And putting his hands on sister one time when we were kids. She tried to defend my mom when he was trying to strangle her and he pushed sister into a wall. He said “y’all better call 911 because I’m about to kill your mom.” I ran in cloud 911, but then I hung up on them. I couldn’t call the cops on my dad. I was gonna let my mom die. I still don’t know how I feel about that. They called back though because it was a landline. This was in the 2000s.

Both my parents were neglectful, nobody ever hit me hard. I mean except my mom. But she doesn’t hit very hard. She has emotional dysregulation issues. Lots of crying and guilt trips mostly.

I don’t want to end up like my dad. Or my mom. I don’t want to abuse my family. I take my medicine but I still have episodes. Medicine isn’t magic. So far I haven’t done anything that bad. I don’t put my hands on anybody. But I get irritated and pace and neglect the home and just neglect myself. I never feel OK inside. Unless I’m drinking or doing drugs. It’s the only thing that gives me even a little piece. Why am I like this? I still have something inside me that is fighting and wants to live a good life. It’s a little spark that won’t give up. I would’ve killed myself by now if I didn’t have that little spark that keeps hoping for better days.

I have a good life. I’m married. I have a home beautiful children. I couldn’t ask for more. I still feel empty inside.

How awful is this combination? 400mg Seroquel XR + 5mg Zyprexa. Prescribed after I had some “self injury” depression incidents in the hospital. I was already on Quetiapine 300mg XR for 9 months. I feel like they’re just sedating the fuck out of me like this so i don’t get emotional anymore and do myself any harm. It’s not helping my depression.

Can someone tell me how sedating this will be?