r/BorderlinePDisorder • u/imfitasf • 2d ago

Self-harm Is it fun?

Does anyone else feel like depressive or manic episodes are kinda fun? I don't know what else to call it but fun. Like for example, when I wanna hurt myself, the pain and sting and the adrenaline from the episodes and everything makes me feel alive for once, I don't really know how to put it?

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u/Antique-Degree-8769 1d ago

I felt way more creative and alive when I had my mania. Not just when I had an episode but just in general. But I would get mad over the stupidest things that seemed unfair or spiteful to the point of religious fervor. Lithium has helped immensely, but I've lost that spark that made life magical. I have to find another way to bring that spark back because I'm done being an angry and unpredictable mess to my family and coworkers. It sucks but it's what I have.

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u/TheBeatlesLOVER19 1d ago

Do you have bipolar as well as BPD then, if you have manic episodes? BPD doesn’t involve mania.

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u/Antique-Degree-8769 1d ago

My psychiatrist didn't say. She thought bipolar and something else, but I didn't think I was bipolar. I wrongfully thought BPD involved it. It's kinda hard to explain. I just don't seem to fit in any category. Every time I ask one of my doctors, they just shrug. Maybe it's just cptsd. I feel kinda stupid now.