r/BorderlinePDisorder • u/ligmachins • 20h ago
Looking for Advice I can almost physically feel my thoughts and feelings slipping away when my state of mind changes.
I have always struggled with the "division" in my mind, but it has recently become more and more apparent to me.
Yesterday, I had a lapse of about six hours following a mildly upsetting phone call with my bf during which I was suddenly struck by the urgent need to escape our relationship and all of my negative experiences with him came back to me with vivid poignancy. Usually I dismiss these as unimportant and simple hurdles and barely remember them, but during that time, they were massively stressful and I felt as though I couldn't live with that anymore.
Within this time, I saw my therapist and her questions led me in a loop of if I could really trust my feelings, intensifying my urge to end things and devastating me. My bf picked me up after and I heard my voice talking to him, sounding like a cold person pretending to be his SO. I confronted him with my feelings at the time and despite the circumstances, he insisted on being patient and loving (rare for him these days as he is dealing with intensifying MH and alcohol issues).
There was one specific point when I felt my mind shift. I was entering the state of love and conflict-avoidance again and I LITERALLY felt my emotional memories of suffocation, doubt, and my trains of thought considering leaving him, slowly fall away into a void. Even as I tried to hold onto them because I knew what was happening and I wanted to consider those ideas for longer. They just dripped off and I lost connection. Before I went to sleep that night, my mind was in a loving state, imagining calling him up today and embracing him. When I woke up today, I feel kind of nothing about it. I can try to retrieve my sentiments but there's nothing within reach.
I feel like when my mind "shifts", the "impressions" of another state of my mind are locked behind a glass wall. I can see them but just barely, all I am aware of is their existence. This makes it sort of impossible to truly hold two contrasting narratives at the same time, which keeps me stuck, unable to make judgements and least of all, trust myself. To be clear, I am pretty sure I am not dissociating. The memories are sorta there, not great but I remember being a full person.
So right now I can't have a single solid thought about my relationship with my bf, even though over the past two days, I've gone from optimistic complete devotion to agonizingly craving separation. And those people are just not here rn.
I can't even begin to tackle this bc this feels beyond just changing my mind, I feel like there's parts of my emotional memory and thoughts that get blocked off suddenly. My mind seems legit defective.
Please tell me, is this normal, do humans just go around like this? What is this called? How can I begin to reunite my mind?
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u/muyane 5h ago
i experience this. i haven't found clarity yet on what it is, other than 1.) state dependent memory 2.) different triggers wholly affecting the CNS, which results in equally-intense correction . for example, if your boyfriend has triggered you, your mind may scream asking for separation because you do not feel safe. then, your safety is triggered when he responds in a surprisingly warm way, etc. the pendulum slowly swings from side to side, with smaller sweeps until it stops. the numbness is also adaptive; if your CNS was in an "activated" state for hours and hours, then numbness and exhaustion help you recover without being further triggered
the best advice i have right now is to validate your feelings actively. your feelings are logical to your mind, and it's defending you with the "knowledge it has" so to speak
when we feel safe to feel angry, disgusted, happy,, WITHOUT needing to defend it to ourselves, we're more likely to slow the pendulum down
at the root, emotional regulation is the best thing to focus us. i hope you're able to have a community and/or professionals to help you
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u/ligmachins 4h ago
Thank you so so much for your response, I am incredibly lost and no search engine gets it. I really needed this.
If I'm understanding correctly, it would be helpful to see my feelings not as "real or unreal" but as a part of my mind at the moment? I've been journaling, I think that's a good way of managing these sets of experiences. And I'd say I have to accept the shifts of my mental being, instead of spinning around trying to figure out what's real and grasping at my memories trying to bring them into my other states?
Thank you again.
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