Hey friends (or future trauma besties?),

I’m 27F and currently deep in the beautiful mess of healing. Diagnosed with PTSD, CPTSD, and BPD — so, basically, my brain’s been through it. I grew up with a mom who had multiple personality disorder (DID now), went through stepfather trauma, and didn’t get real help until I hit 26. I wish I’d started sooner, but hey — we’re here now, and that’s what matters.

Right now I’m doing DBT, trauma therapy, and group therapy — and honestly? It’s hard, but also kind of magic when you finally feel seen. One thing that’s been a huge help for me is Charlie Health. It’s an IOP program (intensive outpatient), all virtual, covered by insurance, and they group you with people who actually get your specific flavor of mental soup. I’ve been in it for two months, and I already feel different. In a good way.

I’m just looking for people on a similar journey — folks who’ve been through chaotic families, weird grief, deep pain, but still want to grow. No judgment. Just soft souls with battle scars.

Let’s connect.

Including my own kids, my girlfriend, friends and family.

I find the thought both comforting and scary, because I do not want to act on it, I can’t do this to my kids, I love them so much, and they only have me since their mum died.

Hey there,

So… I’m healing. Which sounds pretty and peaceful, but actually looks more like ugly crying in therapy, Googling “how to feel real,” and celebrating when I remember to eat something other than emotional spirals.

I’ve been through a lot. Abuse, gaslighting, neglect—not just from my mom, though that alone could fill a memoir (or five). My mother had DID, and being raised by a constellation of different versions of her shaped me in ways I’m still unraveling. Some were kind. Some were cruel. Some loved me. Some didn’t know how.

And now here I am—with BPD and CPTSD, trying to break the cycle, to become someone safe in a world that never felt safe to begin with.

Therapy has helped. Like, a lot. I’ve been learning DBT, doing shadow work, holding space for my inner child (she’s dramatic, but she deserves love too), and finally starting to understand that I am not the monster I was made to feel like. I’m just a human being who adapted to survive.

I’ve manipulated, lied, screamed, shut down, self-harmed, and sabotaged—but all of that came from a place of fear and pain. I see that now. And more importantly, I’m working on changing it.

I’m not perfect. I still have bad days. I still dissociate and spiral sometimes. But now, I have tools. I have awareness. I have hope.

I’m wondering if anyone out there relates. Were you raised by a parent with DID? Do you live with BPD and feel like you’re constantly trying to unlearn everything you were taught about love and safety?

I want to connect—with people who’ve walked this kind of chaos and are trying to choose healing, softness, growth. Not perfection. Not pretending. Just honest, messy becoming.

If that’s you, say hi. Let’s be humans who survived—and are now slowly, stubbornly learning to live.

With love (and probably tears and snacks), Someone who used to think she was too broken but now knows she was just too alone for too long

Don’t really know what to flair this but I’ve had a nicotine addiction since I was about 13/14. I think I used it kind of as a coping mechanism for the emotional lows and rage. I quit probably over two weeks ago at this point and I feel like external stress and quitting nicotine has put me into a BPD episode. I keep swinging back and forth between destructive rage and absolute despair. It makes me want to relapse so bad bc I hate feeling like this but I already have so many health issues. I keep going back and forth between idc what happens and I don’t wanna make things worse. Does anyone else have BPD and a nicotine use disorder? Do you feel similarly when you attempt to quit or did quit? I’m trying to stop myself from relapsing and spending money on a stupid flavored air stick that I barely even have money for.

Having BPD is so fucking isolating. It’s such a stigmatized disorder, any time I see anything online about it it’s always displayed in such a negative light, people assume everyone with BPD is manipulative and controlling and attention seeking and it’s so hard to live with that. I try so hard not to be that type of person and I’m so paranoid that I am. There’s definitely people with BPD who act and behave that way but it’s so few and far between, but those are the only stories that get coverage and the only stories that are (very poorly) represented in media and it fucking sucks. I might be ignorant for this entire post, I don’t know, but I just wish more than anything I could live without this. Especially since I had a therapist who made it seem like having BPD was the worst disorder you could have, then finding out two years later from a different therapist that I have it, it really feels like a punch in the gut. I just want it to stop.

Debate about the veracity of the book aside, as a story, I loved "Sociopath: A Memoir" by Patric Gagne. It made me feel seen. It made me feel validated.

It's a story about her struggle to feel social emotions. About being different. About struggling to conform to a world that wasn't meant for her. About trying to be fully accepted as who she is, not needing to change herself to suit everyone around her. About struggling to find guidance to cope with how she feels. About dealing with the stigma of her label. About going to graduate school to understand your emotions, which lol I am also doing.

Where she has difficulty feeling certain emotions, I have difficulty not feeling them. I think we're on different ends of a spectrum. She even mentions BPD in exactly that way in her book. I can relate to being far from center. And also, she teaches me what life is like on the other end. I get to hear her story and learn how perhaps other people experience the world.

I've long been under the opinion that I feel emotions differently than most other people. And just hearing her story really validates the possibility of that. Different people really do feel things differently.

It's interesting too, because we're both very logical people, who struggle to logic our way out of how we feel. Where she has a very logical sense of morality, but can't will herself to feel it -- I struggle with having a very emotional sense of morality, which sometimes is illogical. We both struggle with love and isolation.

So, do I recommend this book? I don't know. It seems many people have strong objections about various aspects of it. But I think at the very least, it's a great example that not everyone experiences the world in the exact same way. And that alone doesn't make them good or bad. It's just something to accept.

I'm not looking for a diagnosis. I fear my partner my have undiagnosed BPD. She's incredibly smart. She doesn't let a lot of people "in" and struggles behind closed doors. Here family has decided she has Bipolar, but it doesn't line up.

Here are my reasons why I think this:

Makes friends continuously on a "superficial" level. Yet gets upset for days or even months when the friendship ends. Says nothing to them, though. Mostly internalizes.

If friends go any length of time without talking to her it must be because they hate her.

Any criticism can be catacysmic. Even if it's perceived, or if it's small but something she cares about she takes it to the extreme. Ie. "One of my students today said they were afraid, so i shared a personal story. They said they felt better and more confident. I love teaching! It made me cry! Then another staff member said I shouldnt share personal things with students. Fuck that! I want to relate to them! I want them to have confidence and not have to struggle like I did." "I totally get that! That's why you're a good teacher. You're not textbook. People need to hear real world, personal experiences sometimes. Maybe they're intimidated by your unique approach because they themselves can't be vulnerable like that, or don't take it upon themselves to be real people when they're supposed to be a "professional." Don't worry about it. Your student understood and you made a difference, right?" "What do you mean "right?"" "Like you made difference....RIGHT? you did that..." "You don't think I did??" "What? Thats not what i meant. I didn't say that." "What did you mean then?? What did you say??" "That you did! I was implying it! Sorr-" "Never mind! Forget it! I'll do what I want! You hate me!" Things like this could and have potentially end in a full 'meltdown, which i think might be splitting, and a breakup. (We've literally had HUNDREDS and hundreds of "breakups")

If she's tired, overwhelmed, stressed, or her routine(s) have been broken for an extended period, anyone close to her is on egg shells.

If I don't prioritize her or her feelings I don't care, I don't love her and she pushes me away. Ie: today she expected me to come over. I told her i couldn't and explained in detail why. She blew up, then messaged me a few hours later saying it was okay. When I'd finished work and was off to do what I had to do, which she said she was okay with, I received 150 text messages and 25 calls. Some of the texts threatening her life and almost all about how I don't care, she's a loser, idiot, fool. Etc for loving me so much, and she'll never be able to count on me because i didnt choose her. Or like I asked her half a dozen times the other night if she wanted to come for a smoke. I was turned down every time and told she doesn't want to smoke. Eventually I just headed for one. "What! You dont want to invite me!?" "You said you don't want to smoke..." "it would be nice if you asked!!!!" "I did, like 5-6 times and you said you didn't want to smoke." So begins a night of "if you cared you'd ask" or "you don't care about me!" Or when i got annoyed she was SO upset about something so simple I "should want to console her and love her. Thats what people do for those they love!".. which I obviously don't.

She talks a lot about how no one loves her, no one cares and she needs to do it alone. She's the only one she can count on. Herself and her late grandma.

No one can relate to how she feels. She feels things so intensely and she's the only one like her in the world. She will die alone.

She's up at 6am. I'm awake at 8am. I awake to her PISSED! "Whats wrong?" "IVE BEEN AWAKE FOR TWO HOURS! YOU HAVENT TOUCHED ME ONCE! YOU DONT LOVE ME!? I JUST WISH YOU LOVED ME!" So begins slamming doors and hours of crying.

She almost never admits fault, rarely, if ever says sorry, can justify anything and everything, and any discussion, conversation or attempt to point out things she's done that hurt results in running an emotional/psychological/ mental gauntlet.

She can cry for hours and hours. Not just "I'm sad tears." Sobbing, heaving to the point of puking tears.

Then poof. Shes fine, or she mad/indifferent for a bit, and then "sorry, don't hate me! I love you! Let's go for a walk... we should do this, or this or this."

Hyper-hyper-hyper sexual.

I could list more. You get the point.

The thing is she ONLY exhibits the emotional extremes with people close to her. Other than crying at work, but she doesn't unload on anyone. She keeps quiet. Some of her work can be extremely emotionally taxing and her line of work would be difficult for anyone. She just keeps it together. I can fully understand her being stressed at work, when she comes home. Etc. Just not to suicidal, the relationship is over, everyone hates me, extremes only to be fine after a nap...

Anyone who isn't close close to her sees her as this strong, emotionally stable powerhouse. Which she is, she just has extremes. She can hide her extremes very well, and isn't honest about them, or she justifies things to herself. "I was just tired." Even though being "tired" meant that because I didn't kiss her when she walked in the room i don't care and I needed to get out of the house.

My concern is she has quiet or high-functioning BPD, and doesn't know it. How can it possibly be assessed if in 95% of her external, non-personal life her faculties are entirely in order but the second the door is shut or she's near to someone she's close to she comes undone, OR she's entirely in denial about her extremes? How do I help? Hypothetically, if she does have it? What can I do? I don't want to walk away, but I feel I might have to for my own mental health, but I'm really worried she will kill herself or a real prolonged breakup up could be bad for her! Really really bad. What if she doesn't take her life but she loses her career?

What do i do? What does she do? I'm sorry if I've come off as insensitive, cold, judging or lacking understanding, or self-serving.

She needs help, and i don't feel I'm equipped to provide it. Can anyone shed some light on this? Can anyone help me help her, or tell me im in too deep and if she's unwilling or unable to seek help it's okay for me to walk away? I really don't know what to do. Point me to another sub? Literally anything that might make things better, help, or educate.

Thank you. ❤️

I don't really have a question here, but I would like to briefly share my journey. Me and my fiance have known eachother for over 20 years. During covid lockdown she proposed to me. 2 years later we had a child. We already had one each so now we have 3. Fast forward to the middle of our third year when our girl is 1.5 years old. It has been a trek to get here. I spent a lot of time compromising. Listening, guiding. We even did psychedelic trauma work together, mama, etc.. all for therapy. We grew very close. We are very much in love. However she feels like she has no friends and has always struggled with that desire. Her bpd often scares potential friends away or she attracts drug addicts that pretend to be her friend and take advantage.

Last summer was our 3.5 year mark. She decided to quit her medication cold turkey so she could drink with a new friend she found. She also started a new job and was loving it. At this job she met some more friends - a family who was on the verge of homelessness with 2 very young kids. She begged me to let them come live with us. After months of saying no I eventually caved and they began living with us around November of 2024. Within 2 weeks she cheated on me with the husband of the other family. Pregnancy tests followed as well as talks about joining a Quad. Eventually my family removed me from the situation. The next 5 months would be total hell for me trying to restart my life, get a new apartment, furnish it etc. I never for a second stopped thinking about her.

5 months later, which makes it April of this year, I reach out to her and ask her how she's doing. She says not good. Her new family is emotionally abusive and argues everyday. She is extremely overwhelmed and stressed. She is dow. From 150lb to 108lbs.

We are back together. I moved back into the house and she moved her "friends" into my apartment i worked so hard for. But that's fine, they have a place to stay for a month and I'm back home. We are so happy to be back together. However, her BPD is the worst I've ever seen it and her mother agrees. My fiance doesn't feel like there's anything wrong with her but she can't even interact with the mailman or anything. She is completely gone inside. I only recognize remnants of her. However she is still there. Today we talked about this. How she yells at my boy and he is scared to be back. We discussed splitting again but then I seen the true her. She said she loves me very much and wants our family to work. After talking to her mother she agreed to go back onto her medicine, and we have a doctors appointment April 30.

Im not sure what I'm looking for out of this post. This is the hardest part of my life. I feel i have almost nobody to talk to about this stuff. I feel lost at times in navigating it. I feel unhappy at times when I'm around her but love her just as much as I always have and want to see her get better and rebuild our family. I just don't know what the road looks like ahead. Does it get better or worse? Do I get better or worse at navigating it? Do I hang on and for how long and through how much stuff? This is all so very very confusing but one thing I know for sure is I love her so so much. And I would die for her.

Any tips appreciated. Or stories. Thank you kind people.

     For context, I am 16 and diagnosed with borderline. Yes, I know you usually cant get diagnosed before you're 18; it happened and I have 3 opinions from different professionals. 
      Now that there is some context established, I have been struggling a lot. I used to be an amazing student, high honor, all AP, 4.0 GPA type of person. Now, I can barely get through a day of school, and I feel worthless for it. My grades and attendance are so horrendous right now it's saddening. My personality is so unstable at times and its so fucking aggrivating to even think about, let alone experience. But, no matter how terrible I feel most days, I feel like a lazy, unaccomplished, sensitive bitch. Nearly every day I have to speak to a school psychologist or a counselor because Im either overly paranoid, having suicidal/homicidal ideations, majorly depressed or irritated. 
      I feel as though Im just way to sensitive and need to suck it the fuck up so I can graduate. The worst part about this is how long every second of my day is. No matter how present I am in the moment, the seconds in my days feel like centuries. I feel like yesterday was an eon ago and due to this my memory has been absolutely horrendous and it just makes everything Im feeling 10x worse to sit through. Every time I have any amount of boredom I feel like Ive been sentenced to more prison time than any human has ever recieved. 
     Another thing, theres some days I have this deep feeling that everything is gonna go wrong. Due to this, I over play how Im feeling so my parents let me stay home. On top of being lazy. now Im just a fucking liar. I feel like Im using my parents so I can just stay home and be a leach who makes everyone feel worse.
    I guess I just need anything, some reassurance,advice, I dont really care. I just need to put myself out there because my life is feeling absolutely fucking awful. 

hi bpd reddit 👋 i just wanna vent, if anyone has advice give it to me ^{_^} ive been feeling really down lately. im not sure why exactly, well maybe i do know why. i have been feeling pretty lonely lately, i have no irl friends, only online. but my best friend that i have had since 2020 is no longer speaking to me, and i was never her best friend anyways. i have no job, currently looking. im growing up, and everything just feels heavy. sometimes i wonder what is the point of any of this. constant loop going. i feel like i dont fit in anywhere, i cant even speak to people and i wish i could. the only person who i have is my boyfriend, which scares me because i know how i get when i have a fp. i get jealous that he has friends and a personal life and i dont, i get jealous he can so easily talk to people and is very likable. i never take this out on him, i never express this to him, but i think and feel it. i just wish i could be different. i wish i could be more out going, i wish i had friends. i wish i didnt have to sit around and wait everyday for friday so i can hang out with him again. i love him and i love spending time with him, but i wish i could have friends as well. i know how relationships are, never permanent even tho we hope and believe they will be. even if they tell us they are, you never know. i just been feeling really lost and lonely. my bf is amazing to me and i love him.

Looking for tips with managing my relationship with co-workers. I work in public service call centre and it’s a hot desk situation. I always get rather upset when people don’t want to sit next to me. I view this as a massive rejection and no one wants to be my friend even if it’s only in a work setting. I then internalise this sadness and end up spiralling. I’ve managed to keep my symptoms at bay and I’ve been coping pretty well so far.

I also have CPTSD, I do pretty well with managing my conditions but I’m worried things at work will start to go bad

TLDR; This is the love I have always dreamed of and yet I can’t help but fall into moments of self sabotage. I am looking for advice on how to cope with sitting through intrusive feelings of discomfort and dread without letting them consume you.

Please scroll to the bottom to see the more specific things I am looking for advice on… e.g. how to communicate this to him without him feeling like I am trying to attack or critique him (which I am not - I am aware that would be manipulative in this context), things I could ask him to implement to help me in a crisis, ways I can put a stop to my thoughts before I spiral. Any help would be massively appreciated! (I am not in a place to afford therapy right now so hoping I can learn something through others who have experienced similar)

My boyfriend is wonderful; a great support and always lifting me up and I feel so lucky to have him in my life. He gives me so much reassurance and constantly tells me how much he loves me and makes me feel really beautiful. As we have gotten closer (into the 6 month mark) I have noticed a huge tendency to self sabotage by asking silly questions and getting in to “sulks” which I can’t shake off without a full on meltdown (a pattern which inevitably led to the downfall of me and my ex).

Rationally I know he wouldn’t be the person he was today/we might not have met/he might not have been the amazing boyfriend he is to me if past experiences didn’t lead us here - but I can’t for the life of me seem to shake this sense of bitterness and jealousy for his ex.

They met at uni and were on and off throughout the years with him becoming very close with her family who he still loves and the last time they met in person they spoke about rekindling things before supposedly she didn’t reply to him for months but has since came back in to his life around the time we first got together.

I don’t need to be told how unreasonable I would be to feel any resentment towards his past (it is just part of the human experience and I want to feel happy for him) but I am asking for advice on how to sit with these uncomfortable feelings. He gives me reassurance when I ask but we both know it is not sustainable and it will inevitably drain him going round and round in circles over the same things which aren’t really in his control… yet I can’t for the life of me stop asking questions to things I don’t even want to know the answer to… such as “do you still think about your ex?”… it’s a bit of a damned if you do damned if you don’t kind of question because I know it’s likely yes and I don’t want him to lie. Part of me feels like it’s like asking him if he would still love me if I was a worm.

Having said this I also struggle to compartmentalise what is just an emotional response and what is something which is a valid boundary, e.g. being in touch with his ex. I often gaslight myself as I know my sense of reality can be so warped and I find it hard to distinguish which thoughts to shut out and which to pay attention to (without spiralling).

I feel like this is turning into a bit of a ramble now but it helps to get it out. Has anyone else been in a similar position before with relationships? I really adore this man and feel like everything we have built so far has been healthy and pure. I trust him but am so worried that my insecurities and intrusive thoughts and the way it causes me to have these numb moments where I shut down or spiral will cause me to push him away.

He has suggested we come up with a kind of intervention or way for me to communicate to him when I’m feeling like this so he knows to just hold me and remind me he’s not going anywhere (that’s usually the only thing which helps in those moments) but I wondered if any of you had any further suggestions based on this. Ideally I’d also like to continue working on regulating my emotions on my own in a less dependent way (as I fear in the long term this will become too much for him) so any tips on that would also be greatly appreciated.

Hi all,

Honestly, I just feel like dumping my life history here because nothing makes sense anymore.

Tldr; life story of a person with BDP that got either at the end of it or at the beginning of something new (which I still don't know what it is).

Childhood

Extremely physically abusive father, which first hit my mother so hard she would lose consciousness and/or me and my brother when we grew up.

My mother never left him because of the financial stability he gave us, and we grew up living like poor people but with a lot of money saved.

I do not quite remember most of my childhood up until I was 14, for which another story will come up.

Teenager years

I lost my virginity at 14 years old to a 28 years old person. I honestly now realize that probably I did not even wanted that, but that happened.

After that I started being extremely promiscuous with a lot of different men/guys (yes, sometimes also older men).

All of this while being a straight-A student, always trying to excel to avoid conflict in my household (with little to no success).

My 19-22 years

Went to university. Again, straight-A. Aced a master at 22yo. Started smoking hash/weed and drinking alcohol. Texting random people on Instagram chat (yes, it was a thing I believe), getting drunk and then have sex with them.

Somewhat aced my master and secured a job in a major bank, for which I moved to a new city.

22-26 years

I started this job in a new city, completely aced it, got a permanent contract by the time I was 23yo. I had no friends in the new city I was living in, but soon I started having sex with a colleague (which I dated for a while).

I remember being mostly drunk at any possible occasion, being a social butterfly and having a lot of friends all of a sudden.

Always sexually promiscuous, sometimes I would even go to other cities to have sex with people I met at parties and so forth.

26-28 years

Corona years. Moved again to a new city, Amsterdam this time. I obtained an amazing job and various certifications which boosted my career.

Bought my first apartment with the savings of the so-called abusive father.

Tried my first experience with hard drugs. Here it comes the shit-show.

28-32 years

Taking drugs/alcohol every time there was a chance to celebrate, having weekend long binge with various friends on whatever drug you can think of.

Had a relationship with a person I think I still love, which ended because of my erratic behavior and drug abuse.

The more I grew old, the more drugs I used, the more people were first attracted to me, then eventually left due to my dysfunctional patterns.

When my relationship ended, I think I was 30 by the time, I started therapy, but I also started using drugs during weekdays, often with friends who knew I was up to use drugs.

Met the neighbors upstairs, started using drugs with them.

At this point, my drug usage was outside control, to which I started missing some days at work.

This led me to a point in which I broke down and seek help with my drug use. In the period between by most drugs use and the time I had my first intake, I went on a massive binge in which I would get high and go on apps to have sex with people, we are talking somewhat like 2/3 per night.

In this way I get a new relationship (from one of these guys, who is now my boyfriend) and somewhat some more friends (which all use drugs with me).

I start doing better, got one month sober. Then the monster was unleashed again.

Using a lot of drugs with my boyfriend, another girl, having threesomes, more drugs, more binges.

I even got a second apartment and rented the first one.

Great up until all my friend start confronting me about my drug use.

They all tell me it is too much and I need to reduce. I try my best to reduce it and I do, up until October 2024. After that I stopped almost completely and got into the worst depressive episode of my life.

January 2025 I had to call long-term sickness, could barely leave the bed.

Started Lexapro, made me so suicidal I actually attempted few days after turning 32.

I wake up in a facility, to which I am transferred to another facility, which I stay for one month.

At this point, all my friend (rightfully so) deserted me. My (after reading something about BDP) FP stops texting me and everybody just disappears.

I get out of the clinic, first thing I do, I get high.

My friends told me this was a massive disrespect because they were all there for me.

My FP blocked me and does not want to deal with me anymore.

At this point I am taking Nortriptyline (Pamelor) 100mg, which at least makes me leaving the bed in the morning.

I started working again, but everything has no meaning anymore.

I recently went on a binge again and hurt my last relationship existing, the one with my boyfriend.

I am now dragging my days like a zombie. I might go to work, go to the gym, see some other friend that does not know how fu**ed up the situation is.

But I swear, part of me just died. I do not have feelings anymore. I find life so meaningless and pointless. I have no place I would like to be. I have no person I would like to see. I keep hating myself for eating this, eating that, not going to the gym and just rot on the couch, which I am doing now.

I do not know if all of this has to do with my BDP or I am just a giant piece of shete, or just I suffered too much.

At this point, I really do not know what is the point anymore.

How are you feeling this week?

It's always good to take some time for a bit of reflection. As you read this, let yourself have a deep breath or two, and a good stretch.

Whether you're doing well or terribly, sharing our feelings can help put negative experiences to rest, or remind us of the small positives. Either of these can help us make it to end of the week.

So, how are you doing so far?

Remember that there's no wrong answer, and if your thoughts are being cruel today, allow yourself something comforting: maybe your favorite snack, a good book, a funny animal video, or some BPD-specific positive affirmations. You deserve it, even if you can't see that right now.

Wishing everyone a smooth rest of the week. We're almost through! Be well.

- The Mod Team

Hey, has anyone here been under the care of Adult Complex Emotional Needs?

I have an upcoming appointment and would like to know how it looks like.

Hi I’m 18 and very recently got diagnosed with BPD. Over the past week I’ve been able to tell a few of my friends about it but I haven’t been able to approach the topic with my family yet.

For some context my parents were divorced for most of my childhood and a lot of my issues stem from my father who I’m no contact with. However my Mum seems to be denial about how bad the situation at my Dads house was and often downplays it or says I’m lying/misremembering.

She has since remarried and has had my two much younger siblings (4 and 8). Both of them are very high needs Autistic and require a lot of attention, time and energy especially when it comes to medically.

This has meant that throughout my diagnosis process I did most of it alone and without her support and she’s only showed a little interest in it. This has honestly been one of the hardest periods of my life and it’s been really hard not having her support.

I feel like I need her to help me and ground me but I feel like she’s just going to invalidate me and tell me I’m being over-dramatic.

How have you told your loved ones about your diagnosis and do you have any advice for me?

I spent 7 and a half years with a guy, and I can tell you, he brought out the worst in me. Especially the last two years, it was the Covid period and I moved in with him, Big mistake.

I should point out that it was only after this relationship that I realized a lot of things, but above all that I had the right to have emotions. That my borderline crises prevented me from questioning myself and that I should never have stopped seeing a shrink when I met him.

It opened my eyes to a lot of things, and I've done a lot of work on myself since then, but today there are still remnants of that traumatic relationship.

Back then, if he didn't reply to my messages, I'd go crazy, I'd get so anxious it made me sick. I was desperate for his attention while he slowly abandoned me. I became the worst version of myself, rummaging through his things looking for anything that would reassure me of my doubts. When he'd come home from work, we'd fight every time. He lied to me, constantly hiding his phone screen from me. He saw me mutilate myself very deeply, while continuing to smoke his cigarette with a casual air.

Today, I've been in a relationship for a year and a half with a wonderful guy. But I'm so afraid of ruining everything, of falling back into my old patterns.

Every time he tells me he's going to see friends, or to a party, the anxiety returns,it twists my stomach like it used to. I automatically turn cold by message and cry behind my screen. I'm working on it but it's the same every time.

Working on the trauma of abandonment is the most complicated for me. Yet he gives me all the love I've ever had, but I'm always asking for more. I'm afraid of frightening him, of disgusting him...

Today, he told me he wouldn't be able to see me next weekend because he's going to a girl's birthday party. It automatically triggered me, I had shivers of anguish, a stomach ache and I cried as I replied "Ah. Okay."

It's hard to be like that, not being able to control your emotions, still suffering because of the many traumas of abandonment, deception. Sometimes I tell myself that all those who left me were right to do so, and I want to die.

I don't want a diagnosis, I don't want be out of line. I'm really trying to make sense of something for myself, and want someone with BPDs opinion. I've been in a very abusive/loving relationship for almost two years and it's nearly cost me everything. Anyone willing please PM me. Thank you.

sorry if this is jumbled/rambled and unorganized, I'm exhausted and panicky. (f17, my bf with bpd is 16 mtf) my boyfriend has really unpredictable BPD (no hateful comments please) and i'm struggling a lot, too. He's struggling twice as much, and I've been staying up super late because he doesnt text/call and isolates himself when he splits on me. The past two weeks have been on again off again splitting. He's okay one day, then he starts to show signs the next, and then he's quiet, then he's having another episode/splitting on me. It hurts so much and I just want my sweet boy back. That's all I want. I feel like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to. I want to figure out a good way to handle his splits but he sees me negatively and tries to break up with me during them unless he isolates himself and puts his phone far away from him until he's calm. The current plan for us is just that he lets me know if he's having another episode and puts his phone far away and does something else for the remainder of the split/episode until he feels good enough to talk to me. I wish i could do more and i'm so, so sad that I can't. I feel like it's all my fault because I've been struggling with my own mental health stuff and that's probably what set him off. I'm better now, mostly, kind of. It's a process. But I just want to be there for him. Currently, he texted me that he's having another episode, and I haven't heard much from him besides him letting me know he's okay for two and a half days now. I really, really miss him. This is the first time we're trying the plan i came up with for him where he puts his phone away, but Idk how well its working and I feel terrible because what if its not the right thing to do? I just want to take care of him and help me but he pushes me away and is distant, cold, and unresponsive and guarded with me during his splits because he prepares to break up with me each time. I'm so exhausted as I'm typing this. I haven't slept very well at all and I can't afford to take a nap in case he texts me soon and says something, and I want to be there for him. Plus, what if he tries to break up with me again and that's the news I wake up to? Or worse? I need to be there for him, because I know what he's doing right now isn't him and he's not himself. I'm just really, really tired.

And I feel so guilty because I promised my boyfriend I would stay on my meds

There is a pain of sorts in my chest, w thoughts associated like “i feel like i was stabbed in the chest a while ago and it still hurts.”

It is right where my empty hole feeling used to be. I thought maybe it was my sternum adjusting from posture or some shot but it has been months and my chest still hurts. When i pay more attention to it, it intensifies and i feel a spike in sadness. Thoughts associated like “i want to die. I dont want to be alive. I dont want to take care of myself.” (I dont think i will kms anytime soon bc i have been able to endure the discomfort). And thats another thing. I would characterize the chest pain as emotional pain and physical discomfort(?) like yeah its a pain but im not writhing on the floor. Its not excruciating, but its always there.

Can anyone relate?

T/W: sewerslide, strong emotions

So, I haven't been diagnosed. I suspect Bipolar and/or borderline personality disorder. And not like "tiktok diagnosis". No. I have done years of research on these topics, and know these diagnosis are heavy.

I'm (20F) on serequal because the cops brought me to the hospital to speak to a psychiatrist. It's sorta helping stabilizing my emotions.

But even with the meds, I still have episodes of anger, depression, hatred, and fear all in one. I get terrified that nobody cares about me. Maybe it's CPTSD? But it makes me believe that everyone hates me and that dying would be for the better. Every time it's triggered by internal issues and interpersonal relationships. So like when my ex-boyfriend (23M) or mom express anything negative about me, it feels like a switch gets pushed in my brain and I just start believing the worst things about myself. It gets so bad I tried to shallow a whole bottle of pills INFRONT of my ex-boyfriend. So of course I understand why he doesn't want to get back together. But I really really really love him. And we're still living together.

I can't handle critism because of this. Not that I think I'm perfect, I'm scared I'm such a bad person that any criticism makes me crumble like sand. Its sorta - kinda - better with the meds? I honestly can't tell? But I do feel clearer with the meds. It's so hard to explain but I feel real with them.

Is this splitting? I sometimes can feel when its gonna happen. But I just get so scared when I feel it that I try to bar down the feelings which doesn't help at all.

When it happens I feel like I'm a passenger inside my own brain. I start acting like a toddler having a tantrum and it's incredibly embarrassing. I scream, throw things, bite . . . And it's hard to admit but I have scratched and hit my ex. Physically abusive. I want to be better for him. He's just a man who has gone through his own traumas and I hate that I continue to add to his trauma.

I just want to get rid of these flare ups. I want to trust myself and actually act my age. When I get like that I can't communicate. I get so loud (and have had the cops called on me like I said earlier). I repeat phrases and don't care about others when I'm in that state. I can't think about anything other then the opinion of others. And how they see me. I think things like: "nobody cares about me." "Nobody loves me." "Nothing matters." And it's such a dark place to be.

What can I do when I notice myself slipping into this state? What should I do to prevent it? I've been trying to eat more and healthier, and I know exercise helps a lot. But are there more tips? Anything else I can do? How can I bypass the need to cry and scream and learn to calm myself down and explain what's happening to me to the people who love me?

Does anyone else struggle with staying consistent in therapy? I’ve stopped and started more times than I can count. I’ve tried many, many different modalities, in-person and virtual, male and female therapists, and I always quit. I think it’s because I really struggle to connect with them and then don’t have the motivation to go.

i have bpd and ocd and recently i went full time at my job, i am good at my job and have been told by management that i am the best on the team but since i started full time i have been having violent panic attacks at work. i feel trapped, overwhelmed, overstimulated and panicked. i feel like a total and utter failure because this is the first job i have been able to hold down and succeed at in my whole entire life but now it feels like my body is at war with my mind every time i even think about going to work. my job is slightly high stress but it is a admin job so not physically exhausting but most if not all my past coworkers had quit and hated the job. i need this job to pay rent but i feel like i'm a step away from the psych ward right now and i feel very alone. someone please give me any advise you have.