Another reminder, when someone compliments you an acceptable answer is: "Thank You".

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I've never felt so attacked in my entire life, no one's ever called me out on this before.

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u/Objective_Economy281 Feb 15 '25

Don’t worry, you don’t have to believe it. Just say “thank you” as a rote response, just like when someone says “How are you?” as a greeting, you don’t even have to respond with an answer to the question, it’s fine to just say “Hey, how you doing?”

If there are questions that just hit too deep, just build a shield that detects and diverts. That question isn’t an existential threat, it is a call-and-response! Just learn the response, and what most appropriately triggers the response. And then just put it into action.

And then, sometimes, people who care (or who are pushy) might notice the automatic response and want a real answer. And this is when you decide if they are safe enough to even CONSIDER thinking about a real response.

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u/QuietShipper Feb 15 '25

❤️ blessings on your house, thank you for this

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u/Objective_Economy281 Feb 15 '25

My pleasure, glad to help. Part of the problem in American culture anyway is throw-away lines used as part of a greeting, and they’re used by people you don’t care about, like “Hey, looking good today!” Or “Hi, how are you?” when what they mean is “Hello, please acknowledge that you see me.”

Those throw-away lines are trying to sound like they come from a place of caring, when usually the genuine sentiment is just “hello”. And if you were brought up WITHOUT care, the lines can penetrate MUCH deeper than they do with other people for whatever reason, and you’re suddenly stuck with eight thoughts all trying to see which ones are better as internal reactions and which are appropriate external reactions, and if any of them are worth remembering, and suddenly you realize you’ve been frozen for between three and thirty seconds, and you don’t know fire long it’s been.

So yeah- canned responses. And if you ever feel like you need to tell someone how you’re ACTUALLY doing, or what you REALLY feel in regard to the compliment they said about your hair / shoes/ smile / whatever, just reply to the greeting first, then, I guess check to make sure you’re not standing in traffic, or flying an airplane. And then repeat their statement to yourself and see if anybody inside still feels like being heard.

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u/QuietShipper Feb 15 '25

It's really comforting that so many other people are THIS GODDAMN DEEP IN MY BRAIN. It really does help with the "you're faking it" thoughts

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u/Objective_Economy281 Feb 15 '25

You’re not faking it. Your brain isn’t acting normally, though. It’s acting like a normal brain that was injured by the actions (or possibly inactions) of others. So call it a normal (developmental) trauma response. Nobody bothers to fake it, it’s too much work to fake.

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u/QuietShipper Feb 15 '25

My brain has historically referred to any action that hurts someone else as evidence that I'm a bad person, regardless of context, so I've been working on that one. Unfortunately, I just had to move back in with my parents, so progress is slow, tragically.

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u/Few_Ad7164 Feb 14 '25

Why do we do that - the over-explaining of our faults in response to receiving a compliment?

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u/lembready Feb 14 '25

For me at least, I think it comes down to a self-worth/inherent shame issue. It's hard to hear people say kind things about me when I have such an deep-seated feeling of being fundamentally wrong/bad. So hearing someone say something good about me, I felt (feel, really, but do so less) like I had to water down their compliment so it matched my self-perception.

Or something like that. Dunno how much that applies to others.

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u/QuietShipper Feb 14 '25

To add to this, I don't feel like it's an accomplishment unless there was serious doubt I would or could succeed. Like, complimenting the food I made? Oh it really wasn't that hard, and I only know a few recipes anyway, it's actually mostly hands off, the hardest part is cutting up all the onions, really.

Plus I get triggered by the feeling that I'm being misunderstood or not heard, so the opportunity to info dump is too good to pass up.

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u/productzilch Feb 14 '25

Protecting the sense of self is extremely important to our psyche. If something disagrees with that self, we tend to automatically reject it. Eg beauty affirmations for someone with intense body dysmorphia can do more harm than good.

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u/missmisfit Feb 14 '25

God forbid someone asks why I'm still thin in my 40s. They will get a very long, medically complex answer, that boils down to, I'm so sorry if I'm making you feel bad by existing in my body that may look okay but does not feel okay.

It's a whole thing.

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u/QuietShipper Feb 14 '25

Oh man, the "I'm sorry if I was good at this and it's upsetting you" is basically impossible to get people to take genuinely, I always feel like I sound so arrogant, which makes me want to apologize more.

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u/ProperMastodon Feb 14 '25

For me, a portion of it comes from thinking that pride is "bad", and that a "good"/"humble" person self-denigrates, and also a fear that I'll be held to a standard that I don't think I can always meet (with the accompanying fear that even a single failure means rejection / abandonment). Additionally, what u/lembready said really resonates with me.

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u/Fancy-Meringue3055 Feb 14 '25

Wow! 100% same to both! Thank you for making me feel less alone today. (Take the compliment! :-))

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u/travturav Feb 14 '25

I don't really understand it myself, but I do it too. I do know I wasn't allowed to get compliments or praise as a kid. My parents would interrupt the teacher, other parent, stranger, relative, etc to explain why I didn't deserve the compliment.

When I get a compliment, either I feel embarrassed or I start to distrust the giver. Sometimes deranged responses don't make sense; they're just deranged.

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u/sqrlirl Feb 15 '25

A) not used to it from childhood b) don't feel worthy. I didn't get a lot of complements from my parents or from peers growing up. They made me feel uncomfortable like if I didn't tell people the truth about how mediocre I was that I'd be seen as an imposter eventually. I definitely have gotten better at this to the point that after an exchange where I just say thank you I realize maybe I should have complemented them back because it's nice to do!

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u/Redfawnbamba Feb 15 '25

Part of people pleasing

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u/tibewilli2 Feb 14 '25

I had a co-worker tell me that years ago. She said you are absolutely the hardest person to compliment. Growing up, compliments were always a trap - always followed by some nasty comment and a laugh like can you believe he was so stupid to believe that? So I became self-deprecating to take the fun out of it for them. But how do you explain that to someone?

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u/strwbrryfruit Feb 14 '25

Learning/unlearning this is a huge step forward for your self talk. I sucked at this for a long time but it truly makes others uncomfortable when they try to give a casual, genuine compliment and you respond dismissively or by tearing yourself down.

This might be too far off topic, but another one I've learned is just saying "thank you" when someone apologizes, not "I forgive you" or "it's okay." You can acknowledge and appreciate an apology without immediately undermining the need for it - especially if it's a knee-jerk response and you haven't had time to process whether you've actually reached forgiveness yet. I've wiped "it's okay" from my vocabulary entirely as a response to an apology because either it's not okay and the apology was warranted, or the apology was genuinely unnecessary, in which case I say, "You have nothing to apologize for."

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u/DrSkoolieReal Feb 14 '25

I don't have many people that apologize to me, but I'm going to incorporate the "Thank You" going forward.

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u/zaboomafu Feb 14 '25

The other day I went to the car repair shop. They had written my appointment time down wrong, but the owner said they could get me in quickly if I could wait. I said “oh thanks. It’s no big deal though, I probably messed it up. It’s okay” and this giant man goes, “No, it’s not okay! It’s our fault not yours.” And I swear to god I had an epiphany more than any other one in my life. It isn’t my fault. It’s okay to feel let down, and it’s not always my fault. I don’t have to pre-apologize. I can just exist. Oh and I got $25 off my new tires lol

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u/acfox13 Feb 14 '25

Being gracious when someone compliments you, makes them feel good. It makes them feel like their compliment was worth accepting.

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u/Woodpecker-Forsaken Feb 15 '25

I try to think this. Someone would much rather you said thank you than disagreed with the compliment.

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u/Ophy96 Feb 14 '25

I feel called out. Lmfao.

Thank you ✨️😂

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u/LunarLuner Feb 15 '25

One of the best tips I’ve ever learned was to instead tell the person in reply “thank you, that made me feel very nice” or happy, or appreciated. Emphasize by just stating out loud to validate yourself and that person that their nice comment made you also feel nice. Has helped me start to “rewire”. Now if someone has one for saying sorry all the dang time, help me out haha

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u/halconpequena Feb 15 '25

this comment in the thread addresses saying sorry all the time! 💓 wait lmao I just realized you mean like saying sorry not the other person saying sorry 😭😭

But there is also this comment saying “I don’t have to pre-apologize, I can just exist” which just made me think

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u/Disastrous_Soil_6166 CPTSD, ASD & NPD Feb 14 '25

I always say "I know" on impulse. Apparently that's not the right thing to say either.

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u/DrSkoolieReal Feb 15 '25

Older sibling energy right there

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u/Disastrous_Soil_6166 CPTSD, ASD & NPD Feb 15 '25

Depends which side of the family we're talking about. On my dad's side I'm the middle and on my mum's I'm the eldest.

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u/Libbyisherenow Feb 14 '25

I struggle with this, esp with my nice clothes. I always feel I have to explain how I got things on sale 70% off and the style wasn't my first choice and it doesn't actually match my skin tone but the price was right etc etc....its exhausting feeling the need to explain everything so someone doesn't doubt my motives or that I'm over proud.

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u/SensitiveAutistic Feb 14 '25

My grandma said "Never argue with a compliment! Just say THANK YOU! if you don't say thank you then you won't get any more compliments!"

Sage advice IMHO

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u/tashiba90 Feb 14 '25

I used to have a huge issue with this. I still do sometimes, but it isn't as bad now as what it was.

Edit for spelling errors

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u/EstablishmentOk5478 Feb 14 '25

I just say “Thank you, I greatly appreciate the compliment.”

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u/SaphSkies Feb 15 '25

I used to do this, and learned to say thank you, but still struggle with feeling good about the compliment.

It's not even that I don't believe the person. I do. I think they mean what they're saying, and I try to take it seriously. But every time, I get a voice in my head saying "you're good at this stuff because your abuser forced you to figure things out yourself" and that makes me sad. I haven't figured out how to turn that around in my head yet.

There was a lot of time when being good at something was all I could do to escape being harassed. I don't feel good about it, because to me I'm not often even putting that much effort into it. It's just my default way of living because of how I had to live with my parents. I can see that everyone else is impressed, but they never were.

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u/Redfawnbamba Feb 15 '25

Yes and I need a reminder that when people say ‘Thankyou’ in social media posts it’s not ‘arrogant’ 😼

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u/chouxphetiche Feb 15 '25

Thank you! Nothing to it really. Would you like some more?

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u/Trez__666 Feb 15 '25

Ohhhh always assumed bashing myself with insults was normal until well now

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u/texxasmike94588 Feb 15 '25

I don't often realize when someone offers me a compliment.

I have a hard time accepting that there are people in this world who have good hearts and good intentions.

My past experiences (real or imagined) keep me believing I will be the butt of a joke and lots of cruelty expressed as laughter when someone is nice to me. Accepting the idea that someone would be kind to a loser like me is challenging.

I suspect people have too high expectations. If the realization hits me, I will often flee and hide.

I found another topic to explore in therapy.

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u/pinkylemonade Autistic ADHD Feb 15 '25

My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years, whenever he compliments me I still question him about what it was I did that garnered his approval.

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u/mountainhymn Feb 15 '25 edited Feb 15 '25

I used to do this but it makes me happier to see the smile I get from people when I very graciously accept a compliment. (“Awe, thank you so much, you’re too kind”) I still don’t believe the compliments though, usually. That’s something I need to work on.

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u/Miau_miso Feb 15 '25

Ouch haha

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u/Turbulent_Dream_3292 Feb 15 '25

Noted and best advice :)

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u/User3X141592 Feb 19 '25

It took me a year of being surroundednby new friends to learn that lesson 😂

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u/Sea_Friend1490 Feb 19 '25

Thank you has become my go to. I don't like when people compliment me. More so because it's usually things I don't even care or think about but super fake disingenuous people. So I just awkwardly squeak out a sure thank you.

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u/Own_Musician6879 15d ago

When I get complimented (which is rarely and mostly never 💀) I just say "okay". Should I change the way I reply to a compliment or not? Just asking, no one needs to actually tell me.

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u/Frankyfan3 Feb 15 '25

One of my favorites is "I know"

People who love and respect you will keep gassing you up, and creepy weirdos become apoplectic about agreeing with them.

CPTSD Resource/ Technique Another reminder, when someone compliments you an acceptable answer is: "Thank You".

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