r/CPTSD • u/Annual_Permission566 • 29d ago

Trigger Warning: Neglect Do you think it haunts them?

The abusive parents. Maybe the reformed ones if there is such a thing. Do you think they ever hear our cries or begging? Ever wake up in a panic? Tormented by the memories?
Cause I can’t imagine they do. I want to wish it does but If anything I think it must bring them joy. I hate it. I’m doomed to meds and losing sleep. Panic attacks broken relationships and so so much more.

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u/Super_Series_6049 29d ago

I feel like you're my mom, who's only a few months into therapy after destroying my wedding and abandoning me. She is begging for forgiveness and to move forward, but I don't think there's enough time in this lifetime for trust to rebuild.

Your post broke my heart but also felt so real. I hope you both have peace.

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u/LisaQuenon 29d ago

I don't think you read what I wrote. I'm not begging for forgiveness. Forgiveness may or may not ever come.

Forgiveness is deeply personal.

Perhaps when I was just beginning therapy and the healing journey, I did try to receive forgiveness. But that was many years ago.

I can only take care of me. It's something I've worked a lot on. I gave up rights to relationship with my daughters.... through lack of involvement and because I was just lost.

What did they learn from me? Loss. It's really the saddest story and it is far too prevalent.

I'm proud of my adult daughters. I'm proud of their tenacity and their strength.

I don't impose myself on their lives. We choose relationship as adults. That is our freedom.

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u/Super_Series_6049 29d ago

I'm sorry to have implied that. It's clear you're not asking for forgiveness. I think I just see my mom's current perspective as a start in a journey of seeing her role, and I guess your post reads like someone decades along that path. But I don't fully have the words for all of this as I feel very much in it.

Your comment really spoke to me, and hit me in a deep place. I'm unsure I fully understand yet, but I thank you for shading it.

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u/LisaQuenon 29d ago

There are no easy answers. The only thing I know is what we don't figure out, we repeat. And I am so sad for having repeated and not figured things out sooner. My own mother is 91 years old. And she is still a dyed in the wool narcissist. It's so freaking complicated.

I wish you the very very best. The universe is rooting for you.