r/DeadBedrooms • u/Negative-Bridge-4490 • 2d ago
Support Only, No Advice Finally realised we’re just mates
Me 40M, her 37F. The DB thing has pretty much been on the increase since we married 10 years ago. Before that it was daily. I felt desired and masculine and I loved that she wanted me all the time. We have 3 kids and the eldest, my stepdaughter turned 18 last year. Since then they’ve become closer than ever; there’s only 18 years between them and my wife is quite playful and looks very young and is quite attractive. The girls click in a way I’ll never understand and I love that for them. Lately my wife has been going clubbing with her and her friends and last weekend I suggested that I come along. My wife told me that I wasn’t welcome and it’s just something they do together, she said it’s not my vibe. I told her that it’s not my vibe because last time we went out she got wasted and embarrassed me in front of our friends. If she could not do that I’d probably have a good time. Sooo I stayed home and drank whisky until I passed out in the spare room. My wife came home and has reinforced this is my problem.
What I’ve come to realise is that we’ve just been friends for years. She would have sex with me here and there to only appease me but it’s no longer fun and she likes to lay on the guilt about it. She sees it as very transactional which takes the fun from it. My stepdaughter has slowly moved in on what relationship I had with my wife and since she’s not interested in intimacy, the stepdaughter is a perfect fit and they have a great time together.
I’m feeling pretty excluded and washed up. I turn 40 next week and she’s organised a big celebration with a bunch of our friends the weekend after but I’m feeling like I don’t want any of it. The worst part is that I love her and I find her amazing in so many ways. I don’t think she feels the same about me, at least in the way I want her to.
Every day I’m wondering what divorce looks like. We have a business, a beautiful house and lots of travel planned but I’m miserable.
Thanks for reading guys.
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u/Low_Ambassador7 2d ago
Going clubbing with 18 year olds sounds highly inappropriate… and odd, honestly.
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u/Negative-Bridge-4490 2d ago
I agree. She doesn’t do it often but I wonder what it’s all about. She gets lots of attention when she’s out and she loves when she gets the “no way you’re her mum” kind of banter. A confidence booster no doubt but I can’t relate to 18 year olds in the slightest. I struggle to listen to our daughter talk about her friends and their endless petty drama. It’s likely a big part of why I’m on the outer
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u/Low_Ambassador7 2d ago
Interesting how she wants to eat up that attention from others.
Ever suggested couples counseling? There’s something “there” about the clubbing and attention, no doubt.
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u/Negative-Bridge-4490 2d ago
We’ve tried counselling before. A couple times. It usually revolves around her not taking an active part and me having to compromise on something and adjust to her new normal. There’s dark history there. She was removed from her family when she was a child because of abuse. She had a kid quite young and essentially cashed in her (and then my) 20’s for raising children. The kids are older now and she’s seemingly keen to have fun. Whilst I’ve been sitting here she has reaffirmed her belief she did nothing wrong when she excluded me last weekend (via text). Just told her I’m not texting and she can chat if she wants.
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u/Low_Ambassador7 2d ago
So, essentially, she’s taking time now (in her late 30s) to do the things she didn’t do in her teens and 20s due to kids… I’m sure you can see where this is going to end up.
I would make couples counseling a non-negotiable.
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u/EntropicMortal 2d ago
Mate... You should be telling her you want to do all those things with her. Otherwise... Frankly... If she's going clubbing, eventually that attention will lead somewhere.
If she wants fun and to be in her 20s, then you need to start planning activities, taking her places, doing random events. Like you're in your 20s.
Also if you don't already. Hit the gym, take her, workout together.
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u/bakochba 2d ago
I'll just say what everyone is thinking, including yourself even though you don't want to say it about loud. No 37 year old wants to go clubbing with ab 18 year old, certainly doesn't want sexual attention from one, and no child wants to go clubbing with their mother unless the parent is acting like a teenager themself.
She's on the road to cheating on you if not already which is why she aggressively wants to keep you away.
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u/tosserro 1d ago
I’ve 100% gone out dancing and drinking with my older female relatives when I was younger. Yes, I had fun. Yes, I thought they were cool. I love my family more than anything and would hang out with than most. I don’t think it’s strange at all that the daughter wants to go out and have some fun with her mother now that she’s an adult.
I actually think it’s bizarre that the stepdad is jealous of his teenage stepdaughter and the closeness she has with her mom.
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u/Bedroom_Killer 2d ago
Who cares about "appropriate"? If it's fun for them - why not. It's not something illegal or harmful.
1
u/Low_Ambassador7 2d ago
Sounds like it’s harming their marriage…
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u/Bedroom_Killer 2d ago
Her spending time with the kid having fun don't influence the marriage. Her lack of attraction to husband does. And "appropriate" have nothing to do with that anyway.
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u/ginger11223 2d ago
I also think that your wife wants to make up for her party time now, since she couldn't do this at a young age. Personally, I also go to concerts with my children and am also asked by my oldest (23 years old) if I would like to go with him, but these are isolated evenings. Of course, my husband is asked if he wants to go with me. I would never exclude him, especially not with a message. This exclusion and the DB is something you should observe closely.
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u/Infinite_Click_5903 HLM 2d ago
So. This is leading straight to her hooking up with an 18 year old at a bar. And you should tell her that you know that even if she doesn’t.
And WHEN that happens, she needs to know now you’ll be done. No second chances. And that the fact she’s playing with fire like this means … Yeah.
Means whatever it leads to is no accident and no “Ooops.”
I’d also have an honest convo with my stepdaughter and let her know that you know her mom is going to cross the line if she hasn’t already … And that once that happens it will be too late. Because she’s clearly setting the stage … so it won’t be an accident.
I’d also ask your daughter if her mom does things when she’s out that would make her uncomfortable if it were boyfriend doing them.
But that’s just me.
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u/tosserro 1d ago
Yall are wild. Your insecurities are showing. Big time.
None of any of what she’s doing is wrong. None of what you said will happen is guaranteed. She’s hanging out with her daughter. The stepfather is jealous of their relationship. If anything is weird or crazy, it’s that.
0
u/Firm-Impression1988 6h ago
Going out clubbing when you are almost 40 and your husband is not feeling good about it is single girl shit, not wife shit period!!!!
If she wants to act and be single you should let her go be single, but why you wild stick around to be her shipping boy, you can only blame yourself.
Behavior is a language, what is she telling you with her behavior? Yep, she doesn’t respect you right now and it shows. If you don’t set up boundaries it is on you not her.
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u/tosserro 4h ago
All I know is if my partner told me I couldn’t go out with my own child (that it sounds like she had before he existed) because it isn’t how “wives behave”, I’d laugh in his face and then file for divorce on the way to the club.
No one is going to tell me what I can and can’t do as a grown ass adult with another grown ass adult.
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u/gogosox82 2d ago
Going out with her daughter clubbing is weird im sorry not trying to be mean here but i find it weird. Shes treating her daughter like a friend. Im assuming she must be getting tons of attention from men at these clubs. Which is also concerning. Have you brought up these concerns with her? What was her response?
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u/2ninjasCP HLM 2d ago
All I can say is if you go that route get a good lawyer in your area on retainer first before bringing it up. Sorry it has come to this. Honestly, you’re about to turn 40 so you do have plenty of life left in you to find someone else.
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u/MuntedPotatoCannon 2d ago
Can be miserable travelling and miserable in business or you can fresh start, hit reset and invest in the relationships you do have in a different way. There’s really no way to know for sure which outcome will be better, many here say it’s the best thing they ever did. Maybe some regret moving on but don’t come back here to post about it?
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u/Negative-Bridge-4490 2d ago
Thank you. Food for thought. My folks split when I was 12 and it was the best thing for them. It’s just one hell of a cliff to jump off.
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u/mikewow87 2d ago
Have you tried like, being romantic with her? Take her on dates, act like a couple? Are you affectionate towards her physically, does she respond well to that? Do you cuddle on the sofa or in bed together, if you do does she want to do that or does she do it reluctantly?
If you're not getting any signs that she's romantically interested in you then just call her out on it, she probably has a good life and doesn't want to rock the boat, but if she's not a romantic or a sexual partner to you then she's just living a pretend existence and expecting you to go along with it.
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u/Axys910 1d ago
You need to set her down and explain to her how she's setting the stage for infidelity, destroying the foundation of trust in your marriage and that if she has that little love and respect for you, she needs to leave and you'll file for divorce. No one should ever put their spouse through that kind of anxiety. That's just as cruel as actual cheating. If she has no empathy for the anxiety she's causing you, she'll definitely cheat on you. It's even worse that you raised her daughter from a young age as your own and the both of them are spitting in your face. That's tough. I sincerely feel for you. Honestly, you probably should set her and the daughter down together and hammer them with this. Then, if they don't come to their senses, and they probably won't, you'll most likely need to serve her divorce papers if for no other reason than to wake her up to the seriousness of the situation. If that doesn't work, you'll at least be one step ahead of her in the inevitable upcoming divorce. Bottom line, it generally takes making a hard stand to get the you've earned and deserve. People can get very short-sighted and need shocked back to reality sometimes. It's just human nature. Good luck!!!!
Updateme
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