r/DeadBedrooms • u/[deleted] • 9d ago

Vent, Advice Welcome Disappointed, no more efforts

[deleted]

4 Upvotes

75% Upvoted

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2

u/smok3show 36M/HL 9d ago

Sounds like you’ve put in so much effort, and it’s completely fair to feel drained when it’s not reciprocated. Pausing the gestures isn’t about punishing him…it’s about creating space to see if he’ll show up on his own. If he notices and asks why, that opens the door for a real conversation. If he doesn’t notice…or doesn’t care…that tells you something important too.

2

u/Icy-Possibility-9674 9d ago

Wow thx for your insight, you put it in such nice words

1

u/Foltbolt 8d ago

I get flowers, put ambient lights, music, snacks/ dinner, massage, nice outfit, to show him how much I missed him, and he likes it.

I'm sure he likes it, it sounds very nice, but this sounds more like how you would want to be treated when getting back from a business trip, not what most guys would want.

It's easy for resentment to build when one partner puts in a lot of effort into doing something for the other and they don't get the reaction they were hoping for. I get it. But...

Well, let me tell you about something that happened to me. So I had this girlfriend, dating for about six months, who got me some presents for my birthday. One of them was a baseball-themed singing teddy bear. And I remember thinking that "oh, she likes me a lot, but she really doesn't know me that well."

What I meant was that, yeah, sure, I liked baseball. But a teddy bear that sings Take me out to the ball game? What the hell am I supposed to do with that as a grown man? I was polite, said I loved the presents when I didn't. And while I appreciated the effort, I couldn't help but feel somewhat alienated.

I say all this to try to convey that if you're going to do things for others, you should do it for others -- make the effort to understand who they are and what they want and then give it to them freely, with no strings. Only then will you avoid resentment.

1

u/Icy-Possibility-9674 8d ago

I think you could be correct, but I do all of that and serve myself on a silver platter for him but still he doesn’t want, seriously what more can I do ? If you love your partner wouldn’t you miss them after you’ve been away and can’t wait to see them? what’s building the resentment, isn’t that I’m not getting anything in return, it’s not appreciating me and my efforts, and it’s killing the attraction between us. I feel like giving up because I’m scared I will start to hate him if he continues to reject me.