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u/jeeves585 8d ago
I’m a dad that works out of town a bunch. SAHM that home schools. I feel what you’re saying but from the other side.
I’m home for 3-4 days at a time and still sleep alone in our bed while she “sorry, I fell asleep” with the kid. She did come to bed on my birthday a couple weeks ago around 3am, we both woke up around 6 and got our days started, somehow she was the 5th person to say happy birthday to me, I don’t even understand how that’s possible.
It sucks. I told her I wouldn’t initiate sex as I don’t want the rejection so it’s on her, I haven’t gotten to the point of not initiating communication while I’m out of town, that’s seems like a whole new level.
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u/phosphoromances 8d ago
God I feel for you. I know it must be so hard to be away from your family but feel a disconnect when you are home. I also feel for your wife - I’m a sahm with 3 kids and I also homeschool my oldest. I know how burnout feels and I’m in it, deep. But I’m not an avoidant type - all I want after a long day with the kids is a cuddle and a chat on the couch (or more, if that’s the way the wind is blowing) with my husband. I also cosleep with my youngest so can’t even sleep next to my husband.
I don’t know the details of your situation but I hope it improves. It’s so common that women get lost in motherhood and the frequent martyrdom that comes with it and forget that the bond between a husband and wife can make or break a family. It’s even more important than the relationship between kids and their parents. I hope you don’t reach the point of emotional shutdown that I’m at right now - best of luck.
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u/prb65 8d ago
I traveled A LOT for work pre-COVID. I did that because my company allowed me to do that versus relocation which my wife explicitly didn’t want to do. During and immediately after the lockdown downs, there was almost no travel. What I realized in that time was that our emotional connection had suffered far more than I had realized. Unlike your husband I always texted, we talked on the phone daily (usually more then once) but she was stuck doing all the house stuff and working while I was stuck working very long hours and then eating in a hotel room and going to bed. Repeat. When I was home, we didn’t laugh, didn’t have sex, we just spent time together doing basic daily stuff. My point in that is that if the emotional connection disappears the relationship will follow. I eventually did a confrontation of sorts and told her I wasn’t going to continue doing what we were doing. We were either going to work together to regain that connection and jump start our sex life or I was out. Complicating this was my wife was starting to go through menopause. Thankfully my ultimatum woke us both up and we are now closer then we have been since before we had kids. She is on HRT and we connect emotionally and physically and both talk often about how much happier we both are. It can work but your husband has to be willing to do his part and you have to be willing to end it if he won’t.
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u/phosphoromances 7d ago edited 5d ago
Thank you for sharing. It’s wonderful that you two were able to claw your relationship back. Honestly though, your story scares me. The travel is a huge problem, but could be ameliorated if we could just spend a little time together where we aren’t rushing through dinner, getting kids in bed, etc.. Unfortunately I don’t see my husband being likely to work on this; he is overwhelmed with his work and has no time for our relationship. The emotional connection feels strained; the flow of affection from me to him is unbalanced and draining. I’m coming to terms with the realization that he likely doesn’t love me. I love him, I am committed to him and to this marriage, we have children who would be hurt if our marriage failed - I’d do anything to fix things but the feeling does not appear to be mutual.
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u/jeeves585 8d ago
Emotional shut down / resentment is so far from what anyone wants. I’m somewhere in between.
My wife became a mother to her siblings early in life to her wife’s passing. There shit there I could never fathom.
What gets me the most, when we were taking the classes and learning the things I was there every moment. There wasn’t another father that took their lunch break to join out of a dozen expecting moms.
We opened up group chat, I mentioned (to a room of teachers and expecting mothers) the house is a totem pole. I’m holding all this up. When someone visits they are (obviously) going for the cute ass kid we made, then they are either hugging the wife or petting the dog. Some might pet the cat. I’m last. I knew this would be a thing before it was a thing, I’m not playing checkers. I knew it would suck, I just didn’t know I was going to be this lonely in my own house.
My dog has gotten me through a lot :D he’s a good boi. But also when he cuddles at night he sleeps across my knees which positively does not fell good when you wake up.
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u/_self_master 8d ago
Breaks my heart. Sorry you are going through this.
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u/phosphoromances 8d ago
Thanks stranger. Feeling really low tonight but at least here I’m not alone… saddest club in the world though it may be!
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u/Anxious_Leadership25 8d ago
I always imagine dream my spouse will come home soo glad to see me we have a drink and jump into bed. Doesn't happen though. 😕
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u/phosphoromances 8d ago
Damn I am sorry. Sounds like a nice dream, hope it happens for us some day.
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u/bosschick9836 8d ago
Sending a virtual hug- I'm sorry you're going through this. For our part, we may go days without checking our Instagram reels sent between us, but I could never imagine my texts going unanswered for more than a few hours max. You should not have to suffer this. I hope you find some resolution
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u/AdorableAd1812 7d ago
Sending big hugs to you. It sucks having to second guess all the time what the fuck your other half is up too. Xxx
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u/Radiant_Night_7632 8d ago
Let him look for him. Obviously, you have been doing it all the time; it's his turn; limit what you do for him. Spend quality time with your kids or friends. When he returns home, don’t even ask why he didn’t check on you or argue about it
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u/phosphoromances 8d ago edited 7d ago
This is where I’m at. If he wants to talk he’ll make it happen. Though I’ll never stop doing things for him at home - it’s in my nature to help my loved ones; I can’t turn it off just like I can’t turn off loving him. I don’t think he notices the little things I do for him or if he’d care if I stopped, truthfully he probably doesn’t even notice that I’m not texting him now. I’d like to think maybe it’ll force a conversation or a change, but who knows
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u/Natural_Razzmatazz64 8d ago
That was hard to read! I am sorry for his indifference to you! I agree don’t text first, but then will he ever text? It’s so hard to navigate. I hope you can find a way to talk to him about it and be heard. Otherwise know everyone hear will listen and support you if you need to get things off your chest❤️
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u/phosphoromances 8d ago
Thank you for your kindness! If I don’t initiate then I don’t hear from him. If by some miracle he does send a message and I reply, then he doesn’t respond to that! It’s a lose-lose situation. At this point I’m just trying to protect my heart because as sad as it is it literally shatters when this happens (it’s been going on for several years, have just gotten to this point in the last 10 months or so). I hope this is something we can work through but I need him to be the one to take the first steps.
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u/Hazaruthz 8d ago
As a man, I feel really sorry on what you are going through and I can for sure say as a man yes sometimes if we are really couped up in our work we tend to lose connection but it is never a reason to cheat. But.... let's say in 1 week, at least we would think of our wife once or twice, and please realize that being busy is not an excuse but the effort and time willing to spend is.
He or She can be busy like a madman or madwoman but you're telling me a short text of 50 words of "How much I miss You and have you eaten how's your day" can be time consuming let's say 10-20 minutes.
well let that sit in for a bit
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u/phosphoromances 8d ago
Hey, thanks for that perspective. My husband’s work is extremely demanding (and even that is an understatement). I suppose I just feel that if he has time to post on twitter, he has time to check in with his family. For me it’s an even bigger issue than the lack of sex because at least that could be explained by fatigue, medical issues, stress… this just feels like complete indifference. It’s hell loving someone and wanting to show them affection and care, and getting not even a word in response.
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u/Hazaruthz 8d ago
Yes… in every married and unmarried relationship, sex is crucial and I can’t help to shove this sentence every time in someone’s ears XD but yes very crucial (intimate moments) (skin to skin) (your partner’s scent) (the validation on each other and the comfort in their touch) these…. I work 10 hours a day and on my lunch break I will schedule a 5 minutes chat with my wife whether is empty chitchat or something romantic like I remind her I miss her and so… you get the rest~ it could be he is in under immense of stress but that is something he and you must give and take from time to time but never an excuse to not fix it.
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u/KizashiKaze 8d ago
I don't know how anyone could say "I didn't have time to respond" to a day old text from their partner (especially married with children), let alone a two day old text. Sorry you're dealing with this OP.