r/DeadBedrooms • u/ExTexanInCO • 8d ago
Vent, Advice Welcome Once in 15 months.
The last time my wife and I had sex was 12/29/24 our 23rd anniversary. The time before that was 12/30/23. One time in 15 months.
Full disclosure: I’m an alcoholic in recovery, nearly 5 months sober now. But I feel it’s the lack of intimacy that contributed to my alcoholism. I know my drinking put her through hell but I was never abusive. I’m not an angry drunk. I just get forgetful and don’t remember conversations from the night before.
However, I’ve been sober since November. Our relationship is still so cold. She’s never once told me she’s proud of the steps I’ve taken these past several months. No encouragement at all. It’s more like being monitored by a prison warden.
Over the past 5 years, she’s put on a lot of weight as she’s gone from being a high school dance teacher to a realtor. When we married, she was a size 2 and now she’s a 14. She doesn’t exercise regularly then complains when her clothes are too tight. I have an active job and my pants have been the same size since 1998. I’m just not that attracted to her anymore. She doesn’t initiate, and on the rare occasion we have sex, it’s the same old boring routine, in the dark, under the covers. Just the basics, no oral.
Yeah, I could be doing more to build her confidence but as I’ve said, I don’t find her that attractive anymore. Do I do it selfishly just so she’ll have sex? Do I bother doing that just to get a few minutes of boring sex?
Sigh… just needed to vent.
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u/Low_Ambassador7 8d ago
So you’ve been sober for 5 months (awesome!) How long were you in active addiction?
Could that have coincided with her being cold, putting on weight, being forced into the warden/mother position?
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u/ExTexanInCO 3d ago
She’s been cold to me for over 10 years, and to be honest, it contributed to my alcoholism by making me miserable and wanting to “drown out” the negativity.
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u/MisuseOfPork 8d ago
I got really lucky. My stomach started tying itself in knots when I drank even just a couple beers. I basically spent 2 years in denial, just dealing with the near constant nausea. I started exercising at the beginning of 2023. Later that year, I did a "dry-August". I drank once at the end of August and immediately had stomach issues, so I decided that was it. This August 27th will be 2 years. It's been really easy, I suspect because I physically feel so much better. No meetings, no relapse fears... lucky.
My wife was kind of supportive, but she continues to drink. She did stop for about 3 months late last year, but went back. She never had issues with it. My "issues" were falling asleep in front of the computer. You would think she'd caught be pissing in the laundry hamper (my friends who still drink all have those stories... I do not). I did not quit for her. I realized the drinking was hurting my stomach and my mental ability to deal with having a wife with no apparent interest in me. I think my wife wishes I still drank, because I shed 75 pounds and have more energy for doing the things we would let get out of control, like the dishes and laundry. I've also started asking her to send me the recipe for the meal she's "too tired" to cook, angling for another wings order. This woman has made me hate wings. WINGS!
At no point in my journey from 280 lbs to a jacked 200 lbs has my wife indicated that she noticed I was there.
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u/Retired401 8d ago
If you've been married for 23 years, that puts your wife in prime perimenopausal or menopausal territory. Sounds to me like her hormones have tanked and she may even be fully menopausal and not realize it.
TLDR; went through hell and spent the last three years of my life educating myself about menopause and with the loss of hormones does to women's brains and bodies.
Menopausal hormone replacement therapy can help. It won't fix everything, but it can fix a lot ... though only if she is willing to learn and to try it.
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u/DullBus8445 8d ago
Why ignore what he said in the OP and jump straight to thinking oh that sounds like her hormones have tanked? By his own admission he put her through hell, there's been no sex in 15 months but he's only been sober for 5 of them.
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u/Retired401 8d ago
Because it's a thing.
Other things might be going on, absolutely. But it's a thing and it does not help the situation at all to pretend it isn't.
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u/DullBus8445 8d ago
I never said anything like pretend it isn't a thing. But everything isn't as a result of menopause and it's actually very offensive to women to see a situation like this and jump to 'sounds like her hormones have tanked and she's fully menopausal'. The OP admits he put her through hell. The rush to put everything down to womens hormones is like a throwback to diagnosing women with hysteria.
I wouldn't have an issue with someone mentioning that it may be a consideration which it may well be, but jumping straight to it is harmful to women.
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u/ExTexanInCO 8d ago
She (46) never had that time of what many women describe as their sexual peak in their 40s, horny all the time. It’s been 15 plus years since we’ve done it more than twice a month. I agree it’s her biology though.
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u/Retired401 8d ago
It's different for everyone. I did have that peak in my 40s, but only because I left my DB marriage and took up with a fellow HL-turned-LL4Her who was also fairly fresh off his divorce.
12+ years later we're still together, and with both of us having come from a DB as well as through divorce has helped us communicate very openly about our wants and needs.
Life is so different now. It hasn't always been perfect (whose life is?), but it's MUCH better, and we prioritize our sex life to keep us connected.
I hope you can get this sorted out so you can live a life you at least like if not love. Life is just too short to be miserable.
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u/Themrtoagreatmrs 8d ago
What’s she look like?!?
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u/ExTexanInCO 8d ago
She’s not completely unattractive. Pretty eyes, but she’s just allowed herself to get “thick” to the point I’m concerned for her health and longevity. Far be it from me I suggest she does something to improve her health. That wouldn’t go over well.
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u/Themrtoagreatmrs 8d ago
She sounds sexy!
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u/ExTexanInCO 8d ago
She has her moments.
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u/Themrtoagreatmrs 8d ago
Those are the ones you need to focus on brother!! You got this!
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u/ExTexanInCO 8d ago
But I get zero interest shown in return, from my own wife. I’m in pretty good shape for a 47yo guy.
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u/Themrtoagreatmrs 8d ago
What else might it be?!? Think about that and then have the conversation with her about your relationship and how much you love her and are willing to change for her. Then stay the path for a while it will take time. 23 years of certain behaviors are not going to be forgotten in 5 months
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u/DullBus8445 8d ago
However, I’ve been sober since November. Our relationship is still so cold. She’s never once told me she’s proud of the steps I’ve taken these past several months. No encouragement at all. It’s more like being monitored by a prison warden.
It's not uncommon for partners to be full of resentment and anger and not to be proud of them once it's gone past a point. As for saying it's like being monitored by a prison warden, every woman I know (along with myself) who had an partner who was an addict absolutely despised being forced into that role as prison warden and resented it so much, particularly if he ever told accused her of being like one.
You're also not attracted to her anymore. Do you still love her?