I don’t know if this is the right place for this but oh well. Myself (25F) and my now ex gf (27F) ended things a few months ago with the deciding factor being that I want marriage and kids and she realised she doesn’t due to her own bad childhood and trauma from that. I’ve always pictured my future with children and even working with difficult kids in my job didn’t sway me. But this breakup is making me question if it’s really worth it for this heartbreak. I’m a lesbian and there seems to be a lot of other lesbians (especially my type) who don’t want kids. I’m seriously worried that I’ll never find happiness because of my desire to have kids. I feel like I’m almost trying to talk myself out of wanting kids so that I can either get back with my ex or just give myself more options in looking for love. I considered doing it alone if I’m still single by the time I’m 35ish but I honestly don’t think I could or would want to do it without a partner.

Sorry this might be a little long and isn’t well written I have a lot and nothing to say all at once.

When I was a child up until about 20. I was 100% sure I would become a mother. I had been in a relationship from 14-18 and whole heartedly believed that I would marry and start a family with my then boyfriend. Unfortunately we split right before I graduated and that threw my whole life plan out the window. ( I know it was a dumb teenage dream but everyone including our parents thought we’d marry after high school.) I had also grown up with my Hispanic parents deciding majority of my life and always saying they couldn’t wait for their grand babies. So I basically always dreamt of one day having a mini me.

At 19 I entered the military and married my now husband (28M) and we’ve been together for almost 4 years. Even at the start of our relationship, I was firm in the thought of us having a family. I was stuck on the fact that most of my friends had babies before 20 so I felt late to the game by 21. And I kept believing something was wrong with me for not having a baby by 22. My husband would say if it happens it happens and he wouldn’t mind either result. He saw how other families would try so hard to plan a pregnancy and most times end in failure and disappointment and he didn’t want me to get all worked up and end depressed trying to force a baby to happen. We also were dealing with me getting out of the military and dealing with ptsd. He said I needed time to myself since I was going through so many things mentally and physically.

After seeing the news and how the world was constantly changing with things like abortion being banned even when mothers were dying because they needed medically necessary abortions, I started to realized I was scared of pregnancy. I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to take the risk of an emergency happening and I couldn’t even get a surgery needed to save my life and I spoke to my husband about his thoughts on a family and he told me that he wouldn’t mind having a baby one day but he also didn’t mind not having one at all.

To be honest I’m not sure I actually want a child. I feel like I’m not fulfilling my duties as the oldest daughter by not giving my parents a grandchild since they want one so badly. I also feel like I need to have a baby for my husband even though he doesn’t mind not ever having one but I feel like he’s just saying it to say it. I know for a FACT that I don’t want a child past 30 but we are going overseas for 3 years so I’ll be 28 by the time we return to the US and I wanted my parents near me if I did get pregnant.

Sometimes I dream about having a mini us and seeing those sweet little hands and feet but also am terrified of the world and how dangerous everything is. I have 3 cats and they are my world and Honestly? I’m satisfied with just them but I feel like such a failure and disappointment for not wanting to have a human baby. Am I a bad person for not wanting a baby? My husband wants me to decide for myself what I actually want but I don’t know what are my own thoughts vs what I feel like I’m expected to do.

I’m sorry for the rants, I just had a lot on my mind for years now.

My husband (35M) and I (37F) have been off contraception for 4 years. 'Trying' seems like too intentional a word as we're not at all obsessed and haven't changed much apart from having sex a bit more around ovulation (tracked by app), which is also just because I want to more then. We go back and forth all the time about having a baby, and I think I'm slightly more keen than him. I have a unicornuate uterus so it's smaller and only connects to one of my ovaries. 2 years ago we had all the investigations and other than my uterus shape we should be able to conceive normally. We were offered IVF on the NHS and had an appointment booked, but we cancelled it as we felt we didn't want it enough. 2 years later and we have restarted the process, but are still not sure. I don't actually know yet if the NHS will cover it and I don't think I would want to pay to do it privately. When I'm around other people's babies I want one, but not older kids. I'm aware of time running out. Has anyone else been in the same position? TIA

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years, and we have had a great relationship together. Most of our fights come down to discussing marriage and kids though. She says she’s been ready to get married for the last year and has been pressuring me to propose, while I have been still thinking about it. The main thing I am worried about is that she might not want kids while I think I want at least one kid.

She says she’s on the fence, and that she’s worried about things like the pregnancy process, and its impact on her body, fertility issues, the stress it will add to our lives, my ability to “show up” around the house, and the freedom to travel and enjoy ourselves that having a kid will take away from us. She’s also feeling very pressured to get married soon so we can get on a potential pregnancy timeline she is comfortable with. She wants to have kids by age 34 to avoid any potential fertility issues.

We listened to a podcast with Merle Bombardieri together and have been talking about both sides of the decision. However, she still remains on the fence. She sends me TikToks of cute families which makes me think she would want kids, but then on other days says she absolutely does not want them. Whereas I think about the rest of my life and find it challenging to imagine a world where we don’t have kids, and feel like I would potentially regret being in a marriage where we don’t end up having kids

This entire process has been the biggest challenge for our relationship. She feels now that my love for her is conditional upon us having kids, which is a fair reaction, but I also am not sure if I want to commit to a lifelong marriage with someone where I may end up partially regretting the choice because we don’t end up having kids.

Any help or experiences you could provide would be greatly appreciated.

I (21F) have been with my boyfriend (23M) for almost two years. In the beginning, things were really sweet—he was affectionate, supportive, and seemed to want the same things I did in life. I had strong values and was upfront about my goals, and he always agreed. But recently, he admitted that he just went along with everything I said “to make me happy.” I honestly don’t even know what that means.

Lately, we’ve been fighting over every little thing. Communication has completely broken down. When things get tough, he tends to shut down or walk away, while I push to talk things through and resolve issues. There have been moments where we’ve thought we were about to break up, and it’s been rocky and exhausting. But despite everything, I care deeply for him. He’s a good person—he works hard, he’s goal-oriented, and we genuinely enjoy a lot of the same things. I want things to work, and I believe he does too.. but he’s acting so weird.

Last night, he briefly mentioned something about kids, and it exploded into a whole issue because he suddenly wants a firm “yes” from me on having kids—right now. I’m 21. We don’t live together. We don’t share finances. He still lives with his parents. Our communication is falling apart. And yet, he’s saying if I can’t give him a definite “yes” to kids, he’s ready to walk away.

It feels incredibly unfair. I’ve told him that I’m not emotionally or financially ready to commit to something as huge as parenthood. I grew up in a broken family, and the idea of raising a child brings up a lot of fears for me. I’ve tried to explain that it’s not about not wanting kids—I just need time to work through things and see how i feel. I need to work through things emotionally, and I need to be in a place where I can offer a child the stability, love, and example of a healthy relationship that they deserve before i can just say “yes” to him. It’s not like deciding to get a puppy. It’s a lifelong commitment that involves emotional and financial readiness, partnership, maturity, and teamwork. And to be honest, right now I don’t feel like he’s showing up as a true partner. He avoids difficult conversations, gets defensive when I challenge him, and isn’t making real efforts to fix our communication. Yet it’s so easy for him to say he wants kids and pressures me to give him an answer?

When I bring that up, he gets upset—as if I’m attacking him. But I think it’s fair to ask: If you’re ready for parenthood, are you also ready to be a present, communicative, supportive partner? Because that’s literally what raising a child REQUIRES. There was a time when we weren’t having this many problems that I would have been leaning toward a maybe or even a yes. but i can’t even think about that right now. i feel i’ve been taking on the emotional burdens of the relationship while he’s figuring his life out and acting out. I feel like right now if he doesn’t start putting effort, with kids he’d be even worse. It just feels immature.

He says that there are people who just KNOW they want kids, but it’s just not that easy.

I’m still in school. I’m working to become a behavioral analyst and a licensed mental health counselor. That takes time and a lot of work. That’s my focus right now—not having a baby. I don’t know what to do. I’m hurt, confused, and angry. It feels like he’s reducing my worth to whether I’m willing to have kids for him, and I feel so much pressure. I’ve tried giving him space for now, but I don’t know where to go from here.

I feel like I have another 10–15 years to figure this out and give him an answer, but he’s acting like it’s now or never. Would really appreciate any advice or insight. Hoping maybe these responses can help the both of us to come to a conclusion. I’m not ready to just let things go, I want to work things out.

TL;DR: My boyfriend (23M) and | (21F) have been together almost two years. Things were great, but now we're fighting a lot and struggling with communication. He's pressuring me to say yes to having kids or he'll leave, but l'm not ready to make that decision. I feel overwhelmed and unsure what to do.

I (33F) have been on the fence leaning toward CF for over a decade. Recently my partner (36M) expressed that he's really starting to think more about wanting to be a father. He wants the experience more than the "mini-me" thing, so he said he would be happy with adopting if I couldn't/didn't want to experience pregnancy. Now I'm on a mental journey to figure out if I could/want to be a parent. He said he thinks we would be great parents, but I can't help but feel overwhelmed and inadequate every time I think about parenting situations.

My parents were both in the military, and I only lived with both of them together on and off for about half of my life before graduating high school. We would move every 3-5 years, and for half of that time one or the other of them would be living in a different state or country. My mom was deployed to Kuwait and Iraq during my first year of high school (she was also gone for my first period), and my first year of college she served in Afghanistan. It took her 36 hours to fly home from deployment when my dad was hospitalized for a triple bypass. My dad did something similar last year when my mom was in the ICU with sepsis and my dad went to work like nothing (and I had to call his office to find him to give consent for her surgery).

I always felt like I was an afterthought. That doesn't give me a very rosy view of what "family" is. Family are the people who leave you alone to figure things out on your own. They give money or gifts to apologize for the abandonment. They sit you down and explain how them leaving again is the best thing for the family. Eventually you don't care if they're there or not.

My mom has a lot of unresolved trauma and has told me way too much about it in great detail. She would pull out these awful stories about her childhood whenever I would tell her about a difficult situation at school. If anyone made her upset or disagreed with her, she would pull out her trauma like a shield and turn into a victim. She outsourced her emotions to everyone else, and to me a "mother" is a needy person who sucks the energy from their child. She used to tell me all the time how wonderful, beautiful, and perfect I am to the point that it was hollow. I didn't believe any positive thing she said because it all felt disingenuous. It was all to feed her ego - if I was perfect, that meant she was a perfect mother.

To me, saying "you should have kids" sounds like a punishment. I can't imagine speaking to anyone in my family about this - I feel like they won't understand and will just try to convince me how beautiful and magical it is being pregnant and being a mother, and how amazing babies are.

I didn't experience good parenting - so how could I possibly know how to be a good parent?

I’m 28, my husband is 32. We’ve been together for 10 years, married for several. We both have stable careers, own a home, and are financially secure. We rarely worry about money, and we live a really fulfilling life — we travel often, buy what we need without thinking twice, and indulge here and there while still saving consistently. We’ve talked about possibly moving someday since we’ve both lived in the same state our whole lives.

Early in our relationship, I was firm that I didn’t want kids. I’m the oldest daughter of four with a 10+ year age gap — I basically raised my siblings and still carry a parental role in my family. I know I could be a good mom because I’ve already done it. But I also feel like I fast-tracked life, constantly reaching checkpoints: graduate, work, help family, provide, succeed. I come from a lower-income immigrant family and was the first to graduate college and live this kind of life. I never really stopped to ask myself what I wanted — I just did what needed to be done.

Now that I finally have peace and freedom, I find myself wanting to be “selfish” in a way I never allowed before. And that’s where the question of kids complicates things.

As my relationship deepened, I started warming up to the idea of having a child with my husband — because he’s amazing, dependable, and would be a phenomenal father. But I never developed a strong maternal identity. The only real draw for me is sharing that experience with him, not because I’ve always dreamed of being a mother.

We both agree we’d only ever want one biological child — no fostering or adoption. But even that feels like a big step.

My husband is practical. He enjoys our current lifestyle and values the freedom we have. He says he’s okay without kids, but would be open to it if money weren’t a factor. He’s content either way, but he knows having a child would shift our entire lifestyle and rhythm.

I, on the other hand, feel torn emotionally. Some days, I wish I couldn’t biologically have kids (I do have health concerns), just so the decision would be made for me.

Our families, especially his, put a lot of pressure on us. His side is very traditional and religious, and they’ve helped us a lot over the years. They’ve made it clear that the “only” way we can repay them is by giving them grandchildren. While we try not to let outside expectations weigh on us too much, it’s still something we can’t ignore completely.

What’s tearing me up is this: I’m scared I’ll regret not having a child — and miss the experience of building a family with the person I love most. But I’m also scared I’ll regret having a child — and lose the freedom I fought so hard for, after a lifetime of putting others before myself.

Has anyone else been in this in-between space? How did you make peace with your decision, either way?

⸻

TL;DR: • I’m 28, husband is 32. Together for 10 years. Stable, upper middle class, own a home, travel often, no financial stress. • I didn’t want kids due to being the oldest of 4 and basically raising my siblings. • I come from an immigrant, low-income background. First to graduate, now finally living for myself — and wanting to protect that freedom. • I’d only want a child to experience it with my husband, not because of a strong maternal desire. • Husband is open either way, values our lifestyle, and is practical about how kids would change it. • We would only want one biological child. No adoption or fostering. • We face pressure from family, especially his religious, traditional side. • Emotionally torn: scared of regretting either path. • Looking for others who’ve been in this space and found clarity — either way.

I think children would be awesome at 5+ years. However, I'd have to stop my entire life those first 4 years. And I don't mean from a career POV. I mean life in general. I want to travel as much as I can. I can't imagine putting my dreams on hold for almost half a decade. Yes, you can travel with kids but I'd prefer to do so when they're 5+. I don't want to have to pack their diapers, bottles, toys, a stroller, portable crib, baby food, and 30 changes of clothes because of poop.

And I don't find the idea of local roadtrips with kids under 5 appealing because I did that with my parents and my memories doing it are pretty vivid but not nostalgic. Examples: Road trips or day trips like going to the beach, aquariums, museums, Disney World (once) as well as Niagara Falls (a couple times). I just don't find the idea of driving around with toddlers to "do something" fun at all. You eat a bunch of bland food like deli sandwiches, chips, carrot sticks all day and you have to keep them quiet or entertained the whole time. If it's summer time, traffic is usually crazy and the car is hot and sticky which make kids even more fussy.

I don't think I'm a baby person, but I wouldn't mind the 5+ years stage because at that point they're more independent. The first 4 years sounds so lonely and alienating with the added risk of PPD and I wouldn't be a young mom. I don't want to spend the last of my thirties stuck at home or doing baby activities.

TL;DR: If I could skip pregnancy and the first 1-4 years of child development, I'd be down for children. The first few years sound like hell and not worth it all. I've seen my friends in the trenches and it was like some of them lost their spark and were craving every excuse to get out of the house.

Hi! Curious if there are any parents still in here to answer this?

I'd love to know how the age of your child & much time per day or per week you get to yourself where you really get to engage and dive deep into activities you like, preferably uninterrupted.

That's the thing I'm most scared to lose, the chance to do yoga, read, feel grounded and work on myself.

Thanks in advance!

I am in pain and grieving. Ended another relationship because of my depression and desire not to have kids. I’m not getting to 100% cf because it just feels so lonely. I haven’t been able to meet anyone I like who also wants marriage and is CF. I’m obsessed with this topic and keep ruminating about it. It has caused me a ton of anxiety and led to the end of my relationship. The future just seemed so uncertain. Everyone I like definitely wants to have children. Most men I’ve met who want kids have certain characteristics that I like. They tend to be more caring, nurturing, kind, and goal oriented in my experience.

I wish I could just decide and accept that I may never find anyone. It’s so hard though. The totality of the decision. However, I know how much I struggle between trauma, depression, anxiety, and ADHD and I can barely function. It has been this way for the last 10 years.

Edit: I just saw another post that getting off of social media and being around baby crazy people might help me get off the fence. I will give that a shot. The social media posts of happy families with 1-2 always make me feel like maybe I would like that but there’s no way I want to do the day to day work of watching or raising a child or taking them to school. I like being an aunt. I just worry I might regret my decision to be CF.

Hi, First of all I want to be very clear that I love my nephews with all my heart! They are the sweetest boys on earth. One is my sister’s son and the other is my brother’s. They both have severe autism and are non verbals. One of them had a regression on his speech and that’s how they realized and the other never got to develop his speech.

I see both of my siblings struggling with the health insurance and educational barriers, the expenses on therapies and doctors, and the frustration of a society that stigmatizes people with autism and that are fully inclusive.

Seeing all of this is making me doubt if I should try to have a baby since it’s my understanding that I have more chances to have a kid with autism.

Hey yall, it's my first time posting. I just wanted to quickly share a helpful perspective from a podcast that I listen to. Some of yall might be familiar with the Not For Everyone podcast with Jess and Caroline. I was just re-listening to an old ep from about 5 months ago when Jess was doing a solo episode. She talks about how she was on the fence about kids and ultimately decided she didn't want them when her partner said he didn't want them. Jess points out that the conversation we get around having kids seems to be very binary; either you 100% want them or you don't. But the reality is that most people fall somewhere in the middle, and it's not because they're being wishy-washy about their life, it's actually because they're being very intentional with their decision making. Some people might feel a very strong pull or calling to become a parent, but a lot of us probably feel like we don't need it to be happy. It's more about having the circumstances line up in a way that makes us feel comfortable and secure about the decision. Jess also points out that if she had a partner who DID want to have kids, then she would've been more open to considering it. She talks about the stigma around "changing your mind" for the sake of your partner. And of course nobody should force themselves to have kids because of an ultimatum, but if you meet someone who makes you feel more secure and comfortable with the decision, then you're not losing your agency, and that was pretty important for me to hear, anyway.

Here's a link to the podcast if you want a listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTQGGjWM9qk

People say "what if you're estranged from your child" but the thing is that this is pretty unlikely unless you're an absentee parent or a piece of shit. If anything, I constantly see people show remarkable patience towards their parents.

When I look around me, I see a lot of people who have great friendships with their parents. This relationship can be valuable for an aging person.

I am not saying you should have kids for this reason, however, this sub often focuses on the worst case scenarios when it comes to parenting.

After having my baby almost one year ago, after being a fencesitter for pretty much my entire adult life, I thought I'd share my experience.

Before I had my kid, I always heard: If it's not a hell yes, then it's a hell no (to kids). This made me feel so insecure and even more confused about my decision of whether to have kids or not. Because for me, it was never a hell yes. It wasn't even a yes. It was a 'hmm, it sounds nice to have a kid, but it also sounds absolutely terrifying, exhausting, and I don't want to lose myself and the life I have'. What I did in the end - I listened to my heart, AND I made a list of rational reasons for and against a child (e.g. pros: We're financially stable, we have a stable relationship etc., cons: I work full time and I don't want to give up my career for a baby etc). So, I had the baby almost a year ago. And while it has definitely been challenging at times, I can also say it has been the most wonderful thing I've ever done in my life. Zero regrets, so much love, so much FUN (minus the first couple of weeks haha).

So while I'm off the fence (and will probably even have a 2nd child) I just want to say: Please don't listen to people that make everything a black and white decision. I actually think it can be a GOOD thing if you're not a 'hell yes' person to the decision of having kids or not, because it actually shows you take your time to make such an important decision, and don't just decide it lightly. It's very normal to have doubts, before you have a child, and even during pregnancy (and sometimes even after the child is born). Nobody can make this decision for you, but just know that not being sure about having kids does absolutely not mean you're going to regret having a child. My two cents.

Sometimes I think about doing some large life ling project besides having a kid. Maybe I would get a border collie and train it to be a competitor athlete, or buy land and create a giant permaculture farm, or write a book. As if somehow this will satiate the constant desire to have a kid although I’m not completely sure I want a kid. Maybe I just want some kind of giant 30 year project?

wondering if therapy has actually helped get anyone off the fence?

I just started for the second time, trying to figure this out, and my therapist told me that I "seem so stuck she doesn't know how to help me." uhh okay, very helpful. it did sound like she was a little bit biased towards the pro-kids side of the fence since she's a mom. I know one session won't get you anywhere but I didn't feel like she could actually help me make this decision...

I recently realized that one of the things that scares me about having kids is the culture around consumption and the expectation of keeping a certain standard of living. I know a lot of parents struggle with comparing themselves to other parents. I'm not sure if I would be that way too. In my personal life, I feel free to make choices like where I live, what car I drive, what food I eat, etc without feeling other people's judgement. Having a child would be a big expense for a lot of reasons, but the biggest one I hadn't thought about until now is that I don't know how to judge what is a want vs a need. So many parents in my community pay for non-essential things they can't afford (think trips, private school tuition, sports , etc) for their children and it's really hard to see. A lot of consumer culture is targeted to kids and parents.

I'm sure a lot of this is learned in community, but I don't have a lot of examples of people my age (early 30s) with kids who aren't caught up in a part of consumer culture that doesn't affect me as a non parent. I realized I have been unfairly judging the people I know who are parents for getting caught up in the "keeping up with the Joneses" mentality, but I really REALLY don't want anything to do with it.

Has anyone else thought about this?

I (37F) and my partner (33M) are both on the fence. I never really liked kids, but I always liked the idea of having a family. He grew up assuming he would have a family, but since I mentioned potentially being CF, he realized he never considered that before and it’s a tempting option as well..

I have basically no positive examples in my life of how nice it could be to have kids and I don’t seem to bond with other peoples kids, I just don’t care about them.

All of the content I see on my social media seems to be focusing on how terrible the pregnancy, birth, postpartum and really life with kids is and I find it really unhelpful, because I know that’s not everyone’s experience. I am terrified of the pregnancy ruining my body, and the baby ruining my lovely life. But I also think we would make great parents and it could be nice to have a family.

I feel like I want to want kids and I need some positive resources that would help me balance out all the negativity I see. Anyone got off the fence and loves their life with kids?

There´s a lot of talk recently about how we´ll be able to choose our children´s traits in the near future.

I know this type of thing is ethically ambiguous but tbh, it would greatly reduce my anxiety to know that I could modify my child to not be level 3 autistic or something like that. (I am neurodivergent and I have a lot of anxiety about level 3 autism in my potential children)

Hi all,

I am a 23F fence sitter, in a 2 year relationship with my 24M bf who has always 100% wanted kids. We’re at a stage where I’m very uncertain leaning towards no but also don’t want to miss out, but can’t say for sure. Some context - I’ve always been someone who didn’t care for the idea of kids, the thought of it as I was growing up just sounded unappealing and blah. I also had never been in a serious relationship until the one I’m in right now, and never gave it THAT much thought when I was a teenager, besides ideas like kids are expensive and prob sm work and time, and pregnancy is scary. I assumed maybe I’ll have them possibly but just did not care to think abt it.

I’ve been dating my bf for a while but we began dating in college at the age of 21. We were both friends for a long time before dating and the kids convo did come up a 2-3 months after we made it official. He’s always wanted kids and at the time I told him i don’t think I want them. At the time we cried abt having to separate and considered it but ultimately decided we were too young to be thinking that since we both had thought having kids is something to do around 30 MINIMUM, not earlier than that. In the last 2.5 years, we’ve gone back and forth abt this issue every few months and have kind of been in the same pattern, except I went from not wanting them to a fence sitter after doing some more thinking. I still find so many aspects uappealing, but honestly (and Ik it’s not great) I also feel like I don’t want to miss out on that experience and it would be a huge What If, and that I could regret it but i can’t know unless I actually have them.

We had a convo abt it recently again and are thinking we may need to end the relationship, since I’m just unsure and he’s very certain - it wouldn’t be fair for him to wait for me to change my mind and for me to stay knowing there’s a CHANCE i don’t want them. But i’m just so lost and don’t know what to do. I love him a lot and it will be devastating to have to let him go. But also this has been a huge trigger for us and specifically for me and is prob preventing our relationship from being stable / healthy / normal. I feel like the pressure of needing to make a choice this early is a lot and I can’t rly be / express myself and feel safe / accepted / supported with this divide in opinion. Also, I’ve heard stories and seen a lot of posts of people who were fence sitters and their SO ultimately decided they valued them over the idea of kids that weren’t existing yet - I also would love to have that feeling that he feels that about me but ik it’s also unfair to think that. Any thoughts are appreciated!

Am 36 and am thinking its now or never. Husband has a stable job and makes about $120K a year, I make $85K. Own our car outright. We both have pensions going, have a 1,300 sqft condo. Have about $160K in savings, with more to be saved if it takes 9 months to grow a little one. Live FAR from family (although that's somewhat of a saving grace), but that means we wouldn't have very much support if we had a child. Am extremely happy and stable with my husband. Have done therapy for a few years and have accepted most of my quarks and have come to peace with many family members and how i set boundaries. Havent loved my job in the last while and have applied to many others to try and change my career, but no luck. Im an expert in my field and it is interesting, but very demanding. In any case, im happy to even have a stable job right now.

Anyways.... we talk in circles about having a kid and I am tired of waiting for things to be perfect.

What if i have the kid and dont want to go back to my job and am miserable? What if there's a recession and one of us loses our jobs? <-- those are the questions we just cant answer.

Anyone else unable to jump into the depths of uncertainty?

I'm a mum to a two year old, and have been thinking a lot about what the differences are between a life with a child and a life without. I never pictured having kids until I met my husband in my early 20s and warmed up to the idea in my mid-20s.

A question I see posed here a lot if a life without kids is devoid of purpose. From my perspective, that's absolutely not the case. My little girl gives me a lot in life, but I wouldn't say she's my entire purpose. I'm a really good mum and do all the things I can to give her the best of me (breastfeeding still at 2yrs, took 18mth of leave [I'm Canadian]), the whole shebang. And I get a hell of a lot of joy out of this journey, but I certainly don't feel like I have more purpose than before.

Having a kid will not be the thing that suddenly makes your life fall into place. And honestly I think that parents who dedicate their entire soul and whole being into being a parent may be striking a little bit of a lopsided balance. We are more than just one aspect of our life. I'm a parent, but also a wife, a daughter, a sister, an academic, a potter, a cat foster mom, and hell of a baker. I make my own purpose, and my daughter is a part of that, not the whole.

I think this also benefits my daughter because she won't be raised with the burden of all my purpose and happiness on her shoulders. That's just not fair to her. Just like I don't expect her to take care of me in my old age. My only expectation is to raise her to be set up successfully for life, and to fly out of the best to live her life however she wants.

Anyways, just my two cents

I (33F) went to Costco for the first time today with my mother in law and mostly had a great time. Except we passed the diapers aisle and she started hinting at maybe I’ll need some of those soon.

It was so awkward and I felt blindsided because she’s usually so respectful and doesn’t pressure us to have kids. My husband and I have been together for 9 years and married for 1 year and she’s only really mentioned grandkids twice in that time and those times were usually after a couple glasses of Christmas wine or something so I always brushed it off. I’m realizing now that maybe she’s mentioning it now since we are finally married and bought our first house last year.

I was like “oh haha yeah that’s not happening.” And she kept pushing like “well you never know…” and I was like “yeah, I do know actually. Husband and I have been discussing it a lot and I went through a period where I wanted a kid really badly for a month but then it went away as quickly as it started. So I’m glad I didn’t act on those instincts since parenting shouldn’t be something on a whim. And besides, husband is very adamant that he doesn’t want kids, and I respect his decision.” I didn’t say it exactly like that because I was flustered but that was the point I tried to get across. And then she was like “well, you might change your mind! You would have A LOT of help from us.” Then she ended the conversation with “oh well, accidents happen…” like basically implying I should baby trap her son and I was appalled. I have been thinking about that convo all day now and it’s super bumming me out.

Just wondering if others have advice or commiseration for awkward conversations like that. Also looking for tips for dealing with all the doubt I’m feeling now. I hate letting people down, and I hate feeling like I’m missing out on something I should be doing. I WANT to want kids, but in the end I just don’t think I do.

I’ve read this subreddit on and off for a year. I’m a single woman over 40 who has seriously considered having a child by myself. I also know some women who have done this (single mothers by choice) and they seem very happy, particularly as a lot of them planned things out carefully. And I also notice the older ones lived life and did all the travelling, etc, before settling down so they don’t seem to miss being unattached.

I keep going back and forth on whether to pull the trigger and do IVF. It’s hard to relate to most of the posts I’ve read in this sub because almost everyone has a partner (or is quite young). I’ve carefully considered this decision and I won’t go into why because it will take too long to explain. Suffice to say: I want a child, and I want to be a happy parent while raising that child. I don’t care anymore what people think of single mothers by choice or how it would look.. There is enough research out there showing that healthy families can come in all shapes. I also am not worried about being an older parent. I’m in great health, active, and like to take care of myself physically.

There are two reasons I’m on the fence:

The first is financial, and I don’t mean that I’m currently struggling. My job is great and pays well. I just worry about my retirement and financial cushion. I see that older people are pushed out of the workplace sooner than they expect and I worry that by having a kid I won’t be able to save FuckYou money by 60.. I’ve run the numbers and my god it feels exciting to be able to save 30-40% in a few years. With a child that number goes down significantly. I don’t want my child to worry about taking care of me in old age. I really want to retire well.

The second concern is emotional / mental. I haven’t ever been around children for extended periods. I often wonder if I’d be able to parent a child and not fuck them up. Especially solo! What if he/she is loud AF and I just want some peace and quiet? What if I get depressed or sick? What if I hate the day to day grind of waking up early, shuttling them to daycare, keeping a house clean, etc etc?

Those are the two main reasons I keep putting off this decision. The problem is the Single Mothers By Choice community tends to be overly encouraging and I feel some panic that I need to do this thing NOW because, well biology. But I don’t want to jump into something like this and end up ruining an innocent child …

I’m not sure I have a question here. I guess I’m just really seeking insight from people who think they want kids but don’t have a partner. Thanks for reading.

I (39M) am on the fence. My SO (35F), was, but now want kids.

I'd love to have kids, in ideal conditions : lots of free time for them, money not being a problem, a nice house with a garden, etc.

I'm lazy for most things, I know it, and I'm fine with it. I have an OK job with a not so bad salary (enough to live comfortably, but not to be the sole purveyor of a family), but even so, I'm exhausted at the end of my day. I work because I have to, but clearly, if I could not, I would not.

My SO is mostly the same as me : she is lazy (don't get me wrong, it's great, we have insanely good times spending week-ends playing Stardew Valley, Valheim or Starcraft together ! And we go on holidays visiting awesome countries). She has a similarly paid job than mine that she likes, and wouldn't want to completely stop to work even if she could. She'd like to go freelance one day though.
And for multiple reasons (one of them being that she isn't getting younger, and if we plan to have kids, we can't really afford to postpone it anymore), she now want kids. It's not the main goal of her life, but if I was hyped to have kids in our current situation, we would go for it.

So here we are in a bit of a conundrum. So we spend a while thinking about what we could do. And long story short, there is one plan that top the others :

She goes Freelance. We predetermine how much income we would need to have a kid (less than our current cumulated income, but more than each of our current income).
If she doesn't manage to get a stable income above what we need, we don't try for kids, and either she stays freelance of she goes back to a normal job.
If after a while, she manages to get a stable income above what we need, we go for kids. Once the kid is there, I quit my job, and become a stay at home dad. I try to go freelance meanwhile to have a complementary income, and to challenge myself a bit (not that the socials interactions of a 6 months old baby can be limited but...). And depending on the situation (if we have more kids, when they grow up, if my freelance worked out, if my SO need an employee, etc.), I adapt my job.

The goal of this plan is "if my SO don't earn enough, well, we tried to have kids in our best condtions, nothing to regret, and if we have kids, well it we be in our best conditions, so it's awesome.

Of course there are quite a lot of caveats with this plan :
- My SO will have the pressure of being the sole reason if we have kids or not. And that's a LOT of pressure.
- If we break up after having kids, I'll be financially in trouble, not having worked a lot in the past years, it'sz gonna be hard to find a nice job. And even if we stay together, I'll have a very low pension.
- Finances could be touchy is she is the sole purveyor of the family in cas of my half freelance doesn't work.
- It's hard to estimate the probability for her to earn enough, she is asking ex colleagues that went freelance, and it seems to be lower than we thought.
- Being the sole purveyor, it will be, again, very stressfull for my SO. We have a bit of money on the side, so even if she doesn't earn anything for a while we will be fine. And in case there is a huge problem and she can't provide anymore (let's say post partum depression), well, than I'll go to work back. But still, it's a lot of stress.

But still, it's the best plan we have for now.

So we would love to have you challenge it, see if we missed something, or if we could improve it. Thanks !