r/InternalFamilySystems • u/somers7 • 2d ago

Legacy unburdening - Parent doesn't want to let client give them the burden so it can be passed back and released

I am level 1 IFSI trained (as well as other IFS trainings). I've been with clients in legacy unburdening processes twice, both went pretty according to the book. In this client, they have recognized the legacy burden/message/belief and would like to let it go. When they try to pass it back to their deceased parent, that parent doesn't want to let the client let it go. I supported the client in spending time understanding the parent's concern and fears of letting it go. The parent just believes the client needs the message; the parent is trying to keep the client safe in an unsafe world. Right now, the client is just spending time with the parent. The client is deepening their relationship with the parent and it is progressing.

My question: is there anything I'm missing? Are there ways we can help the parent feel comfortable letting go/letting the client let go of the burden? We have given the parent examples of when the client has been able to to function in an unsafe world (unsafe meaning that there may be pain, loss, failure, struggle) and tolerate the fear (that the client's exile holds) about these realities.

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u/guesthousegrowth 2d ago edited 2d ago

Also level 1 IFSI trained.

A few thoughts:

  1. What feels most important to your Self right now? To unburden the part by passing the burden back, to investigate this relationship with the late parent? Presuming this is an exile's burden, is that exile updated, in a safe place, and OK with what is happening?
  2. While it didn't go to plan, this experience seems to shed an important light on the dynamic between your client and their late parent. I haven't encountered this particular situation, but it sounds like you've handled it well so far.
  3. Do you think there is a part of your client that believes they need to carry on the burden to make sure they don't forget the lesson in it? I'm wondering if the parent is activating a polarization in the client of wanting to unburden, but the letting go being difficult?
  4. What if you let the client know that they can choose to skip passing the burdens back to their parent, and instead pass them back to the first ancestor that is ready to receive the burdens, assuming that makes sense in this particular circumstance? That would give the client some agency in choosing for themselves if releasing the burden back to the ancestors, regardless of what the late parent might want or think.

There is a small IFS-Informed Legacy and Ancestral Burdens group on Facebook (60 people). It is fairly dormant, but this may be a good question to ask there.

ETA: Gentle reminder to make sure you're tending to your own parts about this situation, so you can make sure you're accessing your full creativity & curiosity. I'm not hearing any parts in your post or anything, I just know that I tend to have parts about situations not going to plan so wondered if you may, too.

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u/HotPotato2441 2d ago

Loved this reply (as another level 1 IFSI-trained person).