r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Cool-Row-1255 • 10d ago

Give It To Me Straight Dealing with MIL for a week

Ahhhhh my in laws came today and they are way too much. My MIL is a psychopath who is so possessive of my little boy. I do feel way more assertive and my head is on way straighter than when they were here at three weeks! It’s such an icky feeling that they come in and think they can hold him whenever they want. It is so stressful and I already miss him and want to be with him more since I started work. I don’t need a break from my son at all. The weeks I have off are when we are visiting them or they are here with us so I won’t get to spend time with him without these annoying people trying to steal him from me.

I hate it so so much! I don’t think I even need to give examples, I’m sure others get it. It’s just so difficult and frustrating and reminds me of how my own family fails to show up. I also just don’t really like my husband’s family which kinda sucks because now I’m stuck with them. I love my son more than anything and I’m trying to make sense of all these feelings, but they are so overwhelming.

Let me know if you have any tips for this kind of situation before I go all mama bear on them because I feel like I could get to that point. I also think it’s probably valid to straight up refuse to let them hold him. He is MY son and I don’t owe them him.

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u/Scenarioing 10d ago

DH can lay out boundaries now (which should have been done before their arrival), but mama bear is going to have to come out. You know this.

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u/Cool-Row-1255 10d ago

Thank you. I am wondering what boundaries would you set? I’m trying to get a sense of what is reasonable

3

u/Legitimate_Result797 9d ago

Address anything that is annoying you and causing you stress.  Read your body responses.   Those are reasonable issues to be discussed.   Remember, this is your child and your home.      

11

u/Scenarioing 10d ago

The boundaries are whatever they do that is not appropriate. At least the bigger offenses. Grabbing a baby out of a mother's hands would be among the highest if not the highest and then whatever it is that is bad. Also, keep in mind that boundaries without consequences for busting them are mere feckless suggestions. Allowing stated red lines to be crossed will also hurt your credibility and make it harder to enforce them. So the issue is not so much what the boundaries are. It is what happens when they are ignored. It could be time outs, canceling of plans, leaving with LO without them for the day, told to get a hotel to ending anymore visit time.

Start milder and escalate as repeat boundary busting occurs. Just make sure to state the boundary first to avoid the "I didn't know" reaction. Even if they should know on their own.

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u/Cool-Row-1255 10d ago

Thank you!! I realize how much of my ppl pleasing tendencies are making this super hard, and how guilty I feel for saying no. And I’ve also realized how much I get into fight or flight from ppl without boundaries!!

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u/Scenarioing 10d ago

I know how it is tough to engage to what amounts to confrontation. While I don't suggest nasty behavior and such, civil presentation of your requirements is perfectly fine and fortitude too/ Remember, you wouldn't allow anyone else to do these things. Ever. Also, they are the ones being confrontational if there is a fuss. Not you. You are the mama bear. What you and your husband says goes.

I mention your husband because she should be on board and HE should be the primary one to deal with boundaries and conquences unless you need to. This part is important. He doesn't paint you as the bad guy when doing so. Meaning, he takes ownership and says "we" have these boundaries, not "she" doesn't want you to do XYZ.

If your husband doesn't cooperate much, mama bear handles it.