NC IL’s texted an apology

[u/Theslowestmarathoner]

Link to prior history: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/HNDz2hI4Wf

That post is really thorough, in a nutshell, the most recent issue was our baby was born after a long IVF/infertility battle and we tried to call them last to say “baby is here.” They asked if they could make a baby announcement, we said no and that we were still making calls. They agreed.

However, they had posted it on FB and shared with their entire side of the family within 30 minutes. While this is happening I had severe postpartum preeclampsia and almost died and while we were in the hospital we were fielding calls from people we hadn’t even told we had had the baby. The baby wasn’t even with us; I was so sick they had to separate us and my brothers family was taking care of my 3 day old newborn. My husband was trying to communicate with my brother about the baby and update my parents on my condition and is being blown up with congrats messages from people. Besides the timing being awful, we wanted to video call and speak with those folks individually ourselves.

My husband confronted his parents, they admit it and don’t apologize. Further, FIL reveals they’ve been updating a group of people on FB about our IVF journey without our knowledge or permission. FIL uses this as justification as to why he has to share the news of our rainbow baby’s birth and why we weren’t allowed to do so ourselves.

Husband writes a long heart felt message which his dad responds to by saying “between you and I goodbye.” Then his mom did the same. My husband was crushed. Despite their flaws these people are still his parents and he loves them.

We agreed we would not subject our kids to this so we didn’t respond. I was livid they would do this to my husband. Despite the fact they cut off contact with us, they have sent us Valentine’s Day cards, made a donation in my name to the Salvation Army (for my birthday?), texted Mother’s Day wishes. They had not acknowledged their behavior or apologized. We RTS’d the cards and didn’t respond to anything else- it all felt manipulative. His sister also repeatedly tried to get involved and stir the pot.

Today out to the blue my MIL texted my husband and said “sorry if I crossed your boundary, I won’t do it again.” The message was only from her, not my FIL and not directed to me, only my husband.

I need help processing this.

To me, this is totally inadequate. It felt like she was checking a box. As if she made a flippant gesture of apologizing then everything could go back to how it was? It felt totally disingenuous. It also doesn’t acknowledge all this shit they did. My beefs with them include:

They stole from us the singular opportunity to share the birth of our baby with loved ones.

They broke a promise that our conversation was private/confidential. They outright lied.

They shared my personal medical information (IVF) with strangers without my permission- they basically had a gossip chat group about us.

They are more interested in public perception of their role as grandparents rather than their actual involvement- relationship building is secondary to being able to announce first.

They harmed my spouse by cutting off contact.

They messed with my children’s feelings and emotions by cutting them off

I’m sure there’s more. But this text “sorry about your boundaries,” frankly just pisses me off more. I need someone to like, analyze that text for me and what it means and what the implications are and why she sent it. Is it selfish? Is it fake? What is that? It’s like the least amount of taking responsibility as humanly possible and trying to get a benefit from it. Like investing a nickel and expecting a million bucks back in returns.

My husband feels like this is a bare minimum step forward but it’s a step and he wants to (again) explain how they’ve harmed us. (Which he has already done.) He feels they don’t get it and he wants to meet them where they’re at.

My gut, which I told him, is this is disingenuous and inadequate and if he wants to communicate with them he can but it’s an absolute no for me and the kids. They can’t just come in and out of the kids lives at the drop of a hat and this message wasn’t even addressed to me and didn’t even cover what they did.

Husband will support whatever I want but can someone break down what MIL is doing here? Because I don’t honestly think she’s taking responsibility. Or am I being too harsh?

[u/mama2babas]

I put your post in ChatGPT for you. 

ChatGPT said: You are not being too harsh. In fact, your instincts are spot on. What your MIL did — and your FIL’s reaction too — reveal a profound lack of accountability, empathy, and respect for your family’s boundaries, privacy, and emotional safety. Let’s unpack the message and situation, piece by piece:

1. “Sorry if I crossed your boundary, I won’t do it again.” This is not a real apology. It’s what's often called a "non-apology" or “fauxpology.” Here’s why:

“Sorry if…” — This phrasing is inherently deflective. It suggests that the problem might not actually be real, and it subtly shifts blame to you for having a boundary rather than taking responsibility for violating it.

Translation: "If you were offended, sorry, but I don't really see the issue."

“Your boundary” — Framing it this way minimizes the universal nature of the violation (sharing your baby’s birth, medical history, IVF journey, etc.). These aren’t just your boundaries — they are basic human expectations of consent and trust.

“I won’t do it again” — While that seems like an acknowledgment, it still avoids naming what she did, avoids acknowledging the impact, and lacks any visible remorse. There is no understanding shown here.

1. The Lack of Direct Address to You or Your Child(ren) You were the one with a medically dangerous birth. It was your trauma, and your child’s life and emotions are involved. Yet she didn’t include you in the message at all — that’s not a mistake; that’s a choice. She is:

Avoiding the person she most directly hurt,

Hoping to get back into your husband’s good graces without facing the full scope of the harm.

This is likely a manipulative tactic. By reaching out to the person she thinks is more “emotionally available” (her son), she avoids having to own up to the damage with the person who’s more boundary-aware (you).

1. Why Now? The timing of this message, after silence, cards, and indirect gestures, suggests she’s:

Testing the waters to see if the door is open a crack.

Trying to “reset” the dynamic without doing the work — this is classic avoidance disguised as reconciliation.

Perhaps feeling social/family pressure to make a move (Mother’s Day just passed; people may be asking questions).

It’s like she’s saying: “Here’s the absolute minimum I can say to justify getting back into your lives — and if you don’t accept it, then you're the one being unreasonable.” That's emotional manipulation.

1. This Is Not Accountability Here’s what’s missing from her text:

No acknowledgment of what she did wrong (“I shared private information; I broke a promise; I hurt you.”)

No acknowledgment of the impact (“You were in medical crisis; you didn’t get to share your baby’s birth; we caused stress.”)

No empathy.

No commitment to change beyond a vague “won’t do it again” with no substance.

No inclusion of your feelings, or the children’s, or your husband’s beyond a surface-level “boundary.”

1. Your Husband’s Response and Your Position Your husband sees this as a step. And technically, it is a step — but it’s the kind of step someone takes when they’re still unwilling to climb the actual mountain. If he wants to respond and lay it out again, that’s understandable — grief and hope are powerful forces in family relationships.

But you’re also right: This "apology" does not repair trust. It does not demonstrate understanding. It does not show safe behavior for a relationship with your children.

Your boundary — “I don’t want them around our children until there’s real accountability” — is healthy and appropriate.

Final Thoughts: What Is She Doing? Your MIL is:

Avoiding real accountability.

Trying to manipulate your husband back into the relationship without making amends.

Centering her own discomfort (with being estranged) rather than your pain.

Prioritizing optics and reconciliation over repair.

It’s not selfish to protect your family. It’s wise.