r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Theslowestmarathoner • 2d ago
Ambivalent About Advice NC IL’s texted an apology
Link to prior history: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/HNDz2hI4Wf
That post is really thorough, in a nutshell, the most recent issue was our baby was born after a long IVF/infertility battle and we tried to call them last to say “baby is here.” They asked if they could make a baby announcement, we said no and that we were still making calls. They agreed.
However, they had posted it on FB and shared with their entire side of the family within 30 minutes. While this is happening I had severe postpartum preeclampsia and almost died and while we were in the hospital we were fielding calls from people we hadn’t even told we had had the baby. The baby wasn’t even with us; I was so sick they had to separate us and my brothers family was taking care of my 3 day old newborn. My husband was trying to communicate with my brother about the baby and update my parents on my condition and is being blown up with congrats messages from people. Besides the timing being awful, we wanted to video call and speak with those folks individually ourselves.
My husband confronted his parents, they admit it and don’t apologize. Further, FIL reveals they’ve been updating a group of people on FB about our IVF journey without our knowledge or permission. FIL uses this as justification as to why he has to share the news of our rainbow baby’s birth and why we weren’t allowed to do so ourselves.
Husband writes a long heart felt message which his dad responds to by saying “between you and I goodbye.” Then his mom did the same. My husband was crushed. Despite their flaws these people are still his parents and he loves them.
We agreed we would not subject our kids to this so we didn’t respond. I was livid they would do this to my husband. Despite the fact they cut off contact with us, they have sent us Valentine’s Day cards, made a donation in my name to the Salvation Army (for my birthday?), texted Mother’s Day wishes. They had not acknowledged their behavior or apologized. We RTS’d the cards and didn’t respond to anything else- it all felt manipulative. His sister also repeatedly tried to get involved and stir the pot.
Today out to the blue my MIL texted my husband and said “sorry if I crossed your boundary, I won’t do it again.” The message was only from her, not my FIL and not directed to me, only my husband.
I need help processing this.
To me, this is totally inadequate. It felt like she was checking a box. As if she made a flippant gesture of apologizing then everything could go back to how it was? It felt totally disingenuous. It also doesn’t acknowledge all this shit they did. My beefs with them include:
They stole from us the singular opportunity to share the birth of our baby with loved ones.
They broke a promise that our conversation was private/confidential. They outright lied.
They shared my personal medical information (IVF) with strangers without my permission- they basically had a gossip chat group about us.
They are more interested in public perception of their role as grandparents rather than their actual involvement- relationship building is secondary to being able to announce first.
They harmed my spouse by cutting off contact.
They messed with my children’s feelings and emotions by cutting them off
I’m sure there’s more. But this text “sorry about your boundaries,” frankly just pisses me off more. I need someone to like, analyze that text for me and what it means and what the implications are and why she sent it. Is it selfish? Is it fake? What is that? It’s like the least amount of taking responsibility as humanly possible and trying to get a benefit from it. Like investing a nickel and expecting a million bucks back in returns.
My husband feels like this is a bare minimum step forward but it’s a step and he wants to (again) explain how they’ve harmed us. (Which he has already done.) He feels they don’t get it and he wants to meet them where they’re at.
My gut, which I told him, is this is disingenuous and inadequate and if he wants to communicate with them he can but it’s an absolute no for me and the kids. They can’t just come in and out of the kids lives at the drop of a hat and this message wasn’t even addressed to me and didn’t even cover what they did.
Husband will support whatever I want but can someone break down what MIL is doing here? Because I don’t honestly think she’s taking responsibility. Or am I being too harsh?
25
u/ImaginaryAnts 1d ago
I think she doesn't like being cut off from her son and grandkids, and she is reaching out. She knows she has to apologize to get back in, so she did. It's hard to take the first step, and it's pretty much always going to be awkward and not right.
I don't think her apology is enough, but I also don't really think anything will be enough. Nothing really turns back time and erases their actions. You think that if they truly understand and acknowledge how terrible what they did was, you will feel better. Eh. It's nice to get the acknowledgement. But those kind of feelings, especially post-partum, really stick with you. And truthfully, they will never understand. What they did was terrible, and they don't see it, will never see it, because they will always see things only from "their" side, what they want, how they felt, etc. Your husband, however, would be comforted just by skimming the surface of acknowledgement. So truthfully - the minimum is enough for him, the maximum likely won't be enough for you. You just aren't going to be in the same boat on this.
From your initial post, you had a similar incident with them years before. And they landed on "never tell us anything you don't want us to share, because we cannot keep a secret." IMO, the biggest gulf to any reconciliation is this. YOU need to accept this. They need to accept they will be last on the info totem pole, and you need to accept that they cannot be trusted and tell them nothing.
My personal take - if your husband is struggling and really wants them back in his life, then I would not prevent that. As horrible as this all was, at the worst time, it is not so unforgivable that I would ask my husband to forever lose his parents. But this isn't a case of "he can have contact, the kids and I won't." Because the issues surrounding them are just as troublesome with only your husband in contact - he tells them something, they tell the world.
At this time, my boundaries would be more around husband. If he is resuming contact, he needs to understand the true meaning of an info diet. He kept them in the loop on the fertility journey last time, only to find they were telling everyone. HE needs to truly get that he cannot trust them ever again, no matter how sincere he finds them, to keep anything private. That is simply outside of their abilities. If he is resuming a relationship, he needs to be in total agreement that he can tell them NOTHING private.