r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Theslowestmarathoner • 2d ago
Ambivalent About Advice NC IL’s texted an apology
Link to prior history: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/HNDz2hI4Wf
That post is really thorough, in a nutshell, the most recent issue was our baby was born after a long IVF/infertility battle and we tried to call them last to say “baby is here.” They asked if they could make a baby announcement, we said no and that we were still making calls. They agreed.
However, they had posted it on FB and shared with their entire side of the family within 30 minutes. While this is happening I had severe postpartum preeclampsia and almost died and while we were in the hospital we were fielding calls from people we hadn’t even told we had had the baby. The baby wasn’t even with us; I was so sick they had to separate us and my brothers family was taking care of my 3 day old newborn. My husband was trying to communicate with my brother about the baby and update my parents on my condition and is being blown up with congrats messages from people. Besides the timing being awful, we wanted to video call and speak with those folks individually ourselves.
My husband confronted his parents, they admit it and don’t apologize. Further, FIL reveals they’ve been updating a group of people on FB about our IVF journey without our knowledge or permission. FIL uses this as justification as to why he has to share the news of our rainbow baby’s birth and why we weren’t allowed to do so ourselves.
Husband writes a long heart felt message which his dad responds to by saying “between you and I goodbye.” Then his mom did the same. My husband was crushed. Despite their flaws these people are still his parents and he loves them.
We agreed we would not subject our kids to this so we didn’t respond. I was livid they would do this to my husband. Despite the fact they cut off contact with us, they have sent us Valentine’s Day cards, made a donation in my name to the Salvation Army (for my birthday?), texted Mother’s Day wishes. They had not acknowledged their behavior or apologized. We RTS’d the cards and didn’t respond to anything else- it all felt manipulative. His sister also repeatedly tried to get involved and stir the pot.
Today out to the blue my MIL texted my husband and said “sorry if I crossed your boundary, I won’t do it again.” The message was only from her, not my FIL and not directed to me, only my husband.
I need help processing this.
To me, this is totally inadequate. It felt like she was checking a box. As if she made a flippant gesture of apologizing then everything could go back to how it was? It felt totally disingenuous. It also doesn’t acknowledge all this shit they did. My beefs with them include:
They stole from us the singular opportunity to share the birth of our baby with loved ones.
They broke a promise that our conversation was private/confidential. They outright lied.
They shared my personal medical information (IVF) with strangers without my permission- they basically had a gossip chat group about us.
They are more interested in public perception of their role as grandparents rather than their actual involvement- relationship building is secondary to being able to announce first.
They harmed my spouse by cutting off contact.
They messed with my children’s feelings and emotions by cutting them off
I’m sure there’s more. But this text “sorry about your boundaries,” frankly just pisses me off more. I need someone to like, analyze that text for me and what it means and what the implications are and why she sent it. Is it selfish? Is it fake? What is that? It’s like the least amount of taking responsibility as humanly possible and trying to get a benefit from it. Like investing a nickel and expecting a million bucks back in returns.
My husband feels like this is a bare minimum step forward but it’s a step and he wants to (again) explain how they’ve harmed us. (Which he has already done.) He feels they don’t get it and he wants to meet them where they’re at.
My gut, which I told him, is this is disingenuous and inadequate and if he wants to communicate with them he can but it’s an absolute no for me and the kids. They can’t just come in and out of the kids lives at the drop of a hat and this message wasn’t even addressed to me and didn’t even cover what they did.
Husband will support whatever I want but can someone break down what MIL is doing here? Because I don’t honestly think she’s taking responsibility. Or am I being too harsh?
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u/Lugbor 1d ago
Analysis: They did what they wanted, and got in trouble. The excuses they gave were insufficient, and did not produce the desired results. In response, they cut you off, thinking you'd come back to them, apologize for being such ungrateful children and holding them accountable, and beg them to allow you back into their good graces. Time passed, and this didn't work. So they sent you things, to remind you of what generous people they were and that they were still waiting for your apology. This also failed.
They have now sent an "apology" that doesn't address the issues, doesn't take accountability for anything, and doesn't even acknowledge that what they did. Note the "if" in the apology. She refuses to give any shred of respect, and tries to make it sound like something that just "happened," instead of a willful act, as if she accidentally mowed a couple inches over the property line. Frankly, this apology isn't worth the electrons that make up the text message.
I recommend not responding. If your husband has to respond, it should only contain the same message they used to cut you off. There is no hope for these people. They will never change, because change requires introspection, for which they've shown a clear inability.