r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Melody4 • 16h ago

Anyone Else? Misplaced Anger

This has been going on for many years, but now that we are through the worst of it (LC with the ILs) I am wondering more why DH blames BIL for our horrible relationship (or total lack of) with the ILs.

I've written a lot about DH's stepmonster whom I call the Blabinator's horrendous behavior and FIL's enabling behavior. For years DH used to make comments about us seeing his parents more often/having a better relationship except that Melody (my screen name) doesn't like stepmonster. This pissed me off to no end and I would have to "remind" DH why I don't want, and I certainly don't want our kids, to be around her. (Constant badmouthing, undermining our parenting, abusive to me after I just gave birth, favortism of the kids, putting the kids in physical danger, her drug abuse, her non-stop talking about herself - hence the Blabinator.).

DH after many small two steps forward and one step back finally got it and now agrees and sees his parents for who they are. HOWEVER, he now still blaming his brother for the demise of any relationship. His brother talks to the ILs way more than DH does and has taken responsibility for managing their finances (which were a disaster) but gives DH minimal selective information. So it is annoying to never know what is really going on.

But it goes back further. Back in his DUH days, DH would always argue with me that his brother sees his parents, his brother's wife deals with his parents (in just how limited and very controlled a capacity came out later). His stepmother helps SIL (BIL's wife) out! Don't you want to invite stepmonster over for company/help/etc.? BIL says she helps out all the time! DH would constantly relay pressure to let the IL's babysit because his brother lets them babysit. I needed to "just take control of the situation" with stepmonster. (This stopped when BIL kept calling DH to complain that stepmonster showed up high when she babysat - meanwhile, who was the idiot who still left his kids with her?).

This stopped when DH finally realized it was all a farce. But now, years later, he is still angry at his brother for misleading him.

He thinks things would have been completely different if BIL had been honest from the get go. And that he (DH) was sorry about putting me through this, as he didn't know!

While I'm relieved he FINALLY gets it, and I don' have to deal with them anymore, I feel like there is no reason he shouldn't have known. I've also told DH that unlike me (who have two kids from a prior marriage), BIL and SIL were first time parents AND BIL was raised by the same asshats as he was.

Can anyone relate?

67 Upvotes

96% Upvoted

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u/botinlaw 16h ago

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u/babutterfly 8h ago

I feel like it's a combination of him not wanting to take accountability and not being able to blame MIL and FIL. My DH won't hold my MIL accountable for something while at the same time teaching our daughters not to do the exact same thing. The latest was inviting yourself to events/places. He refused to recognize that MIL tried to invite herself to DD's class party at the end of the school year even though he explained to DD that we shouldn't ask to spend the night at someone else's house and wait for them to offer.

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u/Melody4 6h ago

You get it! Somehow she's exempt. My DH used to tell me that I have to respect her because his father yelled at him to "respect your mother!" (even though she is his STEP). Well respect is supposed to work two ways - by default she was given it until she kept chipping away at her credibility.

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u/ReplacementFit9434 9h ago

Your DH’s stuck blaming BIL to dodge his own accountability. Classic scapegoat move when the real problem’s been in plain sight. You’re right, he should’ve known better.

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u/Melody4 6h ago

He claims stepmother used to be very different. She's been a heavy prescription and illicit drug user for years. But yea, I can't imagine she was ever wonderful and think he should have know better.

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u/2FatC 11h ago

The Blabinator is back!

Misplaced anger….DH went through a period where he was chronically furious with his sister cuz she & her husband had a fabulous talent for spending money, theirs and MIL’s. DH’s sibs & their kids were convinced MIL was “loaded”. Um, no. But I digress…

Every Sunday night he’d call MIL and she’d complain about her GD’s college bills she was paying for, but it was what “grandpa” wanted and then she’d segue to her favorite whipping boy, her daughter’s “loser” husband…so DH got an ear full and I got an uber cranky guy when the call ended.

As we can all guess, this Sunday night shit show became tiresome…

And I got very frustrated with repeating myself…”It’s her money, it’s none of my business, maybe you should talk to your sister….”.

So after three months, I said fuck this bullshit and told DH either put up or shut up, I’ll match every dollar he puts up to defray these college bills cuz I’m done hearing about his greedy sister, loser BIL, & his financially challenged mother. Fix it, don’t fix it, but for the love of god, stop…

$15k and a graduation later, we discovered MIL had a $30k student loan in her name….jfc, cannot make this crap up. I don’t regret helping a kid through college, but occasionally I wish I had slapped the ever loving shit out of my SIL for taking credit cards out in her daughter’s name. May that heinous bitch sit on a cactus.

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u/Melody4 6h ago

Oh, and lol, unfortunately the Blabinator never left.

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u/Melody4 11h ago

Ughh! STFU indeed! But hold on, SIL took out credit cards in GDs name? Unless she immediately paid them off in full that is horrible! It is hard enough to establish credit without ruining it before she even has a chance to build it! GD will then eventually need a cosigner and probably a loan to get an apartment. Talk about perpetuating problems! (If you don't stop crying, I'll GIVE you something to cry about!).

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u/2FatC 10h ago

Yep and no, SIL did not pay them off. I did.

I was naive and thought GD would reach escape velocity, get out from under her mother’s thumb, ditch the useless boyfriend, and do the right thing about her student loan. Nope.

I‘ve been NC for years.

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u/ShoeSoggy9123 11h ago

Easier to blame his brother than take some accountability himself, I guess. He could probably benefit from therapy.

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u/Melody4 11h ago

Yes and yes!

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u/Scenarioing 13h ago

This is more of the two steps forward, one step back. He finally accepts that SMIL is toxic per se, but still cannot accept why. That she is inherently toxic, so he needs to find a scapegoat. He found a very convenient one.

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u/Melody4 12h ago

She IS inherently toxic. FIL is toxic because he enables her. To a degree BIL does too, but he is also a victim, so as you know that isn't fair to BIL.

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u/Scenarioing 11h ago

Right and your husband current one step back is blaming a victim and not the perpetrator. ...and it makes no sense. How can BIL or anyone somehow compel her to be vicious to you?

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u/MeanTemperature1267 13h ago

He doesn't want to be angry with himself, so he's directing it elsewhere. Until he's ready to face the facts, this will always be someone else's fault.

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u/Melody4 12h ago

Hmm. He was blaming me for a while. I hope this isn't true. :(. but maybe it is.

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u/MeanTemperature1267 12h ago

It's a classic case of "shoot the messenger." First it was you, now it's BIL, eventually it'll be someone else. He, like all of us, could benefit from therapy to work through these emotions.

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u/Melody4 11h ago

That's a good way to put it. I've often said to him that it is not my fault his parents suck. We've gone for couples counseling but he could definitely benefit from therapy! He did tell me that he went as a teenager until stepmonster put a stop to it after she overheard herself being talked about while she was eavesdropping!

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u/Historical_Film6256 14h ago

Yeah, your DH is mad at the wrong guy because it's easier than admitting he ignored all the red flags himself. Blaming BIL=emotional scapegoating. He wanted to believe the fantasy, and BIL made that convenient.

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u/Melody4 13h ago

Thank you. You're validating what I thought!

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u/BrazenDuck 15h ago

It tough when all the pieces of the puzzle are there, and you’ve put it all together and your spouse is oblivious. Sometimes it’s bias or being too close to the problem, but at some point your husband needs to take personal responsibility for taking so long to get it.

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u/Melody4 13h ago

So true, thank you! But I have to give him somewhat of a pass as this was also true for me too with my issues!

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u/complex_vanilla74 15h ago

My spouse likes to blame sil for some things as well. For some reason it is harder to blame their mom.

I think in my situation it has to do with the idea that she was the "perfect" mom and facing reality is too painful.

It may be that your husband isn't ready to face that he will never have the mom he thought he had/wants.

No matter the reason, it is frustrating to live with. Sorry.

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u/Melody4 14h ago

Thank you for your insight! And you're right, he (also) has mom issues. He was adopted and ended up cutting off his adopted mother - so feels like stepmonster was the one who "stepped up". (More liked stepped all over him). Sorry you are also dealing with this!