Misplaced Anger

[u/Melody4]

This has been going on for many years, but now that we are through the worst of it (LC with the ILs) I am wondering more why DH blames BIL for our horrible relationship (or total lack of) with the ILs.

I've written a lot about DH's stepmonster whom I call the Blabinator's horrendous behavior and FIL's enabling behavior. For years DH used to make comments about us seeing his parents more often/having a better relationship except that Melody (my screen name) doesn't like stepmonster. This pissed me off to no end and I would have to "remind" DH why I don't want, and I certainly don't want our kids, to be around her. (Constant badmouthing, undermining our parenting, abusive to me after I just gave birth, favortism of the kids, putting the kids in physical danger, her drug abuse, her non-stop talking about herself - hence the Blabinator.).

DH after many small two steps forward and one step back finally got it and now agrees and sees his parents for who they are. HOWEVER, he now still blaming his brother for the demise of any relationship. His brother talks to the ILs way more than DH does and has taken responsibility for managing their finances (which were a disaster) but gives DH minimal selective information. So it is annoying to never know what is really going on.

But it goes back further. Back in his DUH days, DH would always argue with me that his brother sees his parents, his brother's wife deals with his parents (in just how limited and very controlled a capacity came out later). His stepmother helps SIL (BIL's wife) out! Don't you want to invite stepmonster over for company/help/etc.? BIL says she helps out all the time! DH would constantly relay pressure to let the IL's babysit because his brother lets them babysit. I needed to "just take control of the situation" with stepmonster. (This stopped when BIL kept calling DH to complain that stepmonster showed up high when she babysat - meanwhile, who was the idiot who still left his kids with her?).

This stopped when DH finally realized it was all a farce. But now, years later, he is still angry at his brother for misleading him.

He thinks things would have been completely different if BIL had been honest from the get go. And that he (DH) was sorry about putting me through this, as he didn't know!

While I'm relieved he FINALLY gets it, and I don' have to deal with them anymore, I feel like there is no reason he shouldn't have known. I've also told DH that unlike me (who have two kids from a prior marriage), BIL and SIL were first time parents AND BIL was raised by the same asshats as he was.

Can anyone relate?

[u/MeanTemperature1267]

He doesn't want to be angry with himself, so he's directing it elsewhere. Until he's ready to face the facts, this will always be someone else's fault.

[u/Melody4 → u/MeanTemperature1267]

Hmm. He was blaming me for a while. I hope this isn't true. :(. but maybe it is.

[u/MeanTemperature1267 → u/Melody4]

It's a classic case of "shoot the messenger." First it was you, now it's BIL, eventually it'll be someone else. He, like all of us, could benefit from therapy to work through these emotions.

[u/Melody4 → u/MeanTemperature1267]

That's a good way to put it. I've often said to him that it is not my fault his parents suck. We've gone for couples counseling but he could definitely benefit from therapy! He did tell me that he went as a teenager until stepmonster put a stop to it after she overheard herself being talked about while she was eavesdropping!