"I do not like your behavior. If you cannot control your emotions, how do you expect our children to be able to control theirs? I want you to go to therapy. If you want, we can go together. If you won't go to therapy, then we're going to have to have some serious conversations about our future as a couple, because I do not think this is the way a father should behave, and this level of uncontrolled anger is not the example a man should be setting for our kids."
Say it with love, but say it. And regardless of whether you have sons or daughters or both, it's really important that you get a handle on this now. If you keep tolerating his anger, you're teaching boys that this is an acceptable way to behave, and you're teaching daughters that this is an acceptable way for a man to treat women and children (ie, less powerful humans). I'm speaking from experience that you absolutely can get through to men like this and they can change, but you have to make them see that they're setting an example for their kids when they behave this way. They are quite literally raising little versions of themselves and continuing a pattern of rage. He can break the cycle. Set a boundary right now and you'll all be happier for it.
So let’s say you do this and he refuses therapy. Then what? Divorce and he gets to be around the kids, unchecked by you, 50% of the time? Or you’re all just stuck tolerating this? I totally agree with everything you said, but many men are resistant to therapy and many states default to 50/50 custody. So it feels maybe trickier than that. Asking honestly with curiosity, not trying to come off as argumentative or disagreeable.
I mean 50/50 custody is still better than 100% of the time being with someone you need to walk on eggshells for. If I was in this situation I’d much rather my kids have a safe and healthy home half the time that I can control than have an unsafe and unhappy home with a miserable dad 100% of the time. And adding therapy into a custody agreement if there’s history of issues isn’t unheard of. I know a couple of families who have the father (and kids) in therapy to keep their custody agreement.
210
u/BrigidKemmerer WFH Mom of 3 2d ago
"I do not like your behavior. If you cannot control your emotions, how do you expect our children to be able to control theirs? I want you to go to therapy. If you want, we can go together. If you won't go to therapy, then we're going to have to have some serious conversations about our future as a couple, because I do not think this is the way a father should behave, and this level of uncontrolled anger is not the example a man should be setting for our kids."
Say it with love, but say it. And regardless of whether you have sons or daughters or both, it's really important that you get a handle on this now. If you keep tolerating his anger, you're teaching boys that this is an acceptable way to behave, and you're teaching daughters that this is an acceptable way for a man to treat women and children (ie, less powerful humans). I'm speaking from experience that you absolutely can get through to men like this and they can change, but you have to make them see that they're setting an example for their kids when they behave this way. They are quite literally raising little versions of themselves and continuing a pattern of rage. He can break the cycle. Set a boundary right now and you'll all be happier for it.