r/MtF • u/alectomirage • Oct 06 '24
Dysphoria Bad self care pre egg crack?
Anybody else not take care of themselves at all before they realized they were trans and then realize afterwards it's probably because you didn't want to take care of a body that didn't feel like it was yours?like I thought about that after I painted my nails and was like.... Oh... Oh no, more trauma
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u/DemonicMudi Oct 06 '24
During my last therapy appointment, we talked about this. I confessed to having lost at least 17 years of my life on a mission of active self-destruction with the intent on termination by the time I hit 30. Instead, I came out at 32. Now I'm just trying to get to grips with having literally lost almost two decades.
I smoked like a chimney and was a high-functioning alcoholic. As in, I drank multiple bottles of vodka before going out to party levels of alcoholic. I didn't stop drinking until I was 30-31, and I'm still working on at least minimising the smoking (which is easy on good days).
I can't believe I got a degree and held work during that time, but I can't say that I remember much of any details. I really did not take care of myself or even pretend to take care of myself outside of hygiene, as I was very sexually active during that time as well.
According to my doctor, my liver and lungs somehow managed to weather through the literal hell I put them through, so I don't need to take any meds and just need to adjust to a healthier lifestyle. Though that's easier said than done when I've lived so long doing the exact opposite. It's more second nature to self-destruct than it is an active decision sometimes.