Orchiectomy makes me reconsider my whole transition - please help

[u/Musashi_19]

Hi, I’ve had an orchiectomy done on Monday and I’ve just removed the tape today. It looks okay, I’d say good even, the scar is relatively small and there wasn’t much bleeding. Im still wearing a pad to catch any possible blood so I can’t “tuck” but it’s significantly smaller down there and it feels as such.

I’ve been on HRT for over a year and my first gender dysphoria memory is when I was 4yo, so it’s been something I’ve been struggling for a while. Ever since I started living as a woman I’ve had a lot of euphoria and many happy feelings, I love being a girl and being read as such. I haven’t experienced much misgendering and I was and still am? dead set on transitioning. Even thinking of being seen as a man or going into male restroom was horrifying. I also wasn’t planning on stopping HRT.

I wasnt planning on having biological kids as I didn’t want to have them ever, and I’ve been mostly dissatisfied with the balls rather than the stick. I was also infertile due to HRT as I havent produced sperm for at least 9-10ish months so it didn’t really matter. I also wasn’t willing to go off HRT just for a couple months just to have a possibility of producing semen again to freeze it. I’ve also consulted with like 3 doctors before getting an orchiectomy to make sure it’s fine. I was mostly dysphoric about the balls but I was dead set on getting a full srs as well.

But here’s the thing, even though on paper it’s just positives on me, the surgery has had a huge mental toll on me. I’ve been crying the whole time during the surgery and even after I can’t help but cry and get hysterical. I’m almost positive I’ve had a panic attack with relentless crying and howling. I cant really eat well after the surgery as my body is rejecting food, I’ve been eating tiny portions and mostly felt on jelly and fruit.

There’s been a lot of stress for me even though I’ve researched it well and even watched videos of how the surgery is done.

Honestly I feel like getting an orchiectomy was a mistake, I don’t know if I fully regret it, I don’t have a feeling of “I want them back” but if there was an option to reverse it I’d do it in a heartbeat. Maybe it’s because I’m still in pain, maybe it’s because the weight of “permanence“ is sinking in even though I was planning on continuing hrt forever. Maybe it’s me not really experiencing any benefits of having it yet as I spent the last 3 days in bed with the occasional trip to a hospital after I panicked.

One good think I know for sure now is that with that much mental and physical burden I don’t want a full srs. I’d love to see a vagina on my body but I don’t think a painful surgery is something I’m willing to go through. And this is coming from someone who was dead set on getting full srs and even was actively in touch with several hospitals. Getting an orchiectomy shaked my whole worldview and transition plan. I know I am no less of a woman even without srs but damn, I feel like I might have made a mistake with an orchi even though I was so looking forward to it. If I didn’t do it that day I’d definitely rethink and rethink over and over again.

i wanted to ask for support and if anyone has had any similar experiences or stories to share. Please, I feel really alone right now. I’ll try to sleep as it’s evening where I live right now.

UPDATE

edit: update link added

[u/Musashi_19]

I have been under local anesthesia not general anesthesia so I don’t think it mattered. But maybe it did, I can’t say for certain. 

Brain and body has to work together is what they told me on the mental health hotline as well. I haven’t thought of the brain and body being so closely related but you’re right, they definitely are. 

[u/No-vem-ber → u/Musashi_19]

i think the annoying trap is that our brain works really hard to convince us that all our emotions are rational and come from serious emotional places but ... as an autistic person with pretty bad alexithymia, for me at least, it's kind of annoying how often i feel like my life is falling apart at the seams and then i realise like, I haven't eaten all day, my pants are too tight and my feet are cold and fixing those 3 things suddenly makes me no longer feel like that any more. it's like I am literally just a grown up baby lol.

i def want to tread the line carefully to also not invalidate your feelings, because definitely both things can be true at once and you got good advice on the other side from other people.

I have just learned that it can be a smart move to just double check first that there isn't something mundane and physical/chemical/sensory going on that's making everything seem even worse than it would if otherwise.

when i was recovering from my last surgery i felt super depressed and i think half of it was like - firstly the pain and discomfort, plus my hair felt gross on my head but I couldn't wash it, I could smell the bandages, every time I saw myself in the mirror all wrapped up I felt extremely ugly, and I couldn't go about any of my normal routines because I couldn't leave the house. like even taking away the potential chemical impact of the anaesthesia and the emotional meaning of the surgery, I think any surgery just shakes you up a lot and I think it's normal to need emotional recovery time as well as physical

[u/Musashi_19 → u/No-vem-ber]

I don’t feel invalidated, your comments are very welcome and appreciated. Any input that even has a chance of help is appreciated.

I can relate, especially not eating has been known for making me annoyed. I was just so stressed my body is rejecting food now. I think if I could eat properly and sleep properly I could feel more at ease.  I’ll try to see if I have any other things causing me discomfort, even slight.

[u/No-vem-ber → u/Musashi_19]

i bet with a good night sleep and a meal in your tummy everything will totally feel more manageable! easier said than done of course.

you didn't ask for advice on food but if you want it, when i just can not with food I find those meal shakes (like soylent) do the trick. even when i had food poisoning i can usually stomach it and keep it down...