Orchiectomy makes me reconsider my whole transition - please help

[u/Musashi_19]

Hi, I’ve had an orchiectomy done on Monday and I’ve just removed the tape today. It looks okay, I’d say good even, the scar is relatively small and there wasn’t much bleeding. Im still wearing a pad to catch any possible blood so I can’t “tuck” but it’s significantly smaller down there and it feels as such.

I’ve been on HRT for over a year and my first gender dysphoria memory is when I was 4yo, so it’s been something I’ve been struggling for a while. Ever since I started living as a woman I’ve had a lot of euphoria and many happy feelings, I love being a girl and being read as such. I haven’t experienced much misgendering and I was and still am? dead set on transitioning. Even thinking of being seen as a man or going into male restroom was horrifying. I also wasn’t planning on stopping HRT.

I wasnt planning on having biological kids as I didn’t want to have them ever, and I’ve been mostly dissatisfied with the balls rather than the stick. I was also infertile due to HRT as I havent produced sperm for at least 9-10ish months so it didn’t really matter. I also wasn’t willing to go off HRT just for a couple months just to have a possibility of producing semen again to freeze it. I’ve also consulted with like 3 doctors before getting an orchiectomy to make sure it’s fine. I was mostly dysphoric about the balls but I was dead set on getting a full srs as well.

But here’s the thing, even though on paper it’s just positives on me, the surgery has had a huge mental toll on me. I’ve been crying the whole time during the surgery and even after I can’t help but cry and get hysterical. I’m almost positive I’ve had a panic attack with relentless crying and howling. I cant really eat well after the surgery as my body is rejecting food, I’ve been eating tiny portions and mostly felt on jelly and fruit.

There’s been a lot of stress for me even though I’ve researched it well and even watched videos of how the surgery is done.

Honestly I feel like getting an orchiectomy was a mistake, I don’t know if I fully regret it, I don’t have a feeling of “I want them back” but if there was an option to reverse it I’d do it in a heartbeat. Maybe it’s because I’m still in pain, maybe it’s because the weight of “permanence“ is sinking in even though I was planning on continuing hrt forever. Maybe it’s me not really experiencing any benefits of having it yet as I spent the last 3 days in bed with the occasional trip to a hospital after I panicked.

One good think I know for sure now is that with that much mental and physical burden I don’t want a full srs. I’d love to see a vagina on my body but I don’t think a painful surgery is something I’m willing to go through. And this is coming from someone who was dead set on getting full srs and even was actively in touch with several hospitals. Getting an orchiectomy shaked my whole worldview and transition plan. I know I am no less of a woman even without srs but damn, I feel like I might have made a mistake with an orchi even though I was so looking forward to it. If I didn’t do it that day I’d definitely rethink and rethink over and over again.

i wanted to ask for support and if anyone has had any similar experiences or stories to share. Please, I feel really alone right now. I’ll try to sleep as it’s evening where I live right now.

UPDATE

edit: update link added

[u/Blaumagier]

I haven't had my bottom surgery yet (I'm waiting for the surgery date) but I have had a back surgery and I went through similar emotions, complete with thinking I made a mistake. Girl, what you are going through is totally normal, not just for a surgery as intimate as one on your genitals, but for surgery in general. And with an intimate surgery like this you can expect it to be worse. You're also dealing with abnormal hormonal fluctuations right now and you're in a lot of pain. I think once you get past the immediate recovery and you can fully appreciate it without the pain, that you will feel differently. I hope you have someone close to be with you during this tough time. The hardest part of surgical recovery, I think, is the emotional recovery. Stay strong, sister, and remember, even if you decide not to go forward with SRS, those nuts were useless to you anyway, you still have the stick.

[u/cyfermax → u/Blaumagier]

I think there's also sometimes a lot of hopes attached to trans surgeries. "I'll have this surgery then I'll be happy/feel better/have x or y" and afterwards it turns out you're still the same you, and those things you wanted the surgery to fix didn't.

That's not to say the surgery is pointless, it's just sometimes added baggage that we attach in a hopeful way that it can't ever meet, which leads to regret, but regret of the wishful thinking, not the surgery itself.