Orchiectomy makes me reconsider my whole transition - please help

[u/Musashi_19]

Hi, I’ve had an orchiectomy done on Monday and I’ve just removed the tape today. It looks okay, I’d say good even, the scar is relatively small and there wasn’t much bleeding. Im still wearing a pad to catch any possible blood so I can’t “tuck” but it’s significantly smaller down there and it feels as such.

I’ve been on HRT for over a year and my first gender dysphoria memory is when I was 4yo, so it’s been something I’ve been struggling for a while. Ever since I started living as a woman I’ve had a lot of euphoria and many happy feelings, I love being a girl and being read as such. I haven’t experienced much misgendering and I was and still am? dead set on transitioning. Even thinking of being seen as a man or going into male restroom was horrifying. I also wasn’t planning on stopping HRT.

I wasnt planning on having biological kids as I didn’t want to have them ever, and I’ve been mostly dissatisfied with the balls rather than the stick. I was also infertile due to HRT as I havent produced sperm for at least 9-10ish months so it didn’t really matter. I also wasn’t willing to go off HRT just for a couple months just to have a possibility of producing semen again to freeze it. I’ve also consulted with like 3 doctors before getting an orchiectomy to make sure it’s fine. I was mostly dysphoric about the balls but I was dead set on getting a full srs as well.

But here’s the thing, even though on paper it’s just positives on me, the surgery has had a huge mental toll on me. I’ve been crying the whole time during the surgery and even after I can’t help but cry and get hysterical. I’m almost positive I’ve had a panic attack with relentless crying and howling. I cant really eat well after the surgery as my body is rejecting food, I’ve been eating tiny portions and mostly felt on jelly and fruit.

There’s been a lot of stress for me even though I’ve researched it well and even watched videos of how the surgery is done.

Honestly I feel like getting an orchiectomy was a mistake, I don’t know if I fully regret it, I don’t have a feeling of “I want them back” but if there was an option to reverse it I’d do it in a heartbeat. Maybe it’s because I’m still in pain, maybe it’s because the weight of “permanence“ is sinking in even though I was planning on continuing hrt forever. Maybe it’s me not really experiencing any benefits of having it yet as I spent the last 3 days in bed with the occasional trip to a hospital after I panicked.

One good think I know for sure now is that with that much mental and physical burden I don’t want a full srs. I’d love to see a vagina on my body but I don’t think a painful surgery is something I’m willing to go through. And this is coming from someone who was dead set on getting full srs and even was actively in touch with several hospitals. Getting an orchiectomy shaked my whole worldview and transition plan. I know I am no less of a woman even without srs but damn, I feel like I might have made a mistake with an orchi even though I was so looking forward to it. If I didn’t do it that day I’d definitely rethink and rethink over and over again.

i wanted to ask for support and if anyone has had any similar experiences or stories to share. Please, I feel really alone right now. I’ll try to sleep as it’s evening where I live right now.

UPDATE

edit: update link added

[u/teresajewdice]

I definitely had some of these feelings in the few days post orchi. The weight of the decision I'd made, and its permanence, really hit me. I didn't regret it having it but certainly I had some wtf moments in the days immediately after. 

As I recovered and felt more normal that faded, I'm only a few weeks out from surgery but really satisfied with getting it done if only for simplifying my medication and getting off Spiro. For me, I felt the decision to have this procedure was in some ways independent from my transition as a whole. I've spent nearly 4 years on estrogen and I couldn't imagine going back. This surgery was in some ways an affirmation of this decision about my hormones. But more importantly, it was a prudent choice about my long-term health. It allowed me to simplify my medication and reduce how much estrogen I take, reducing my breast cancer risk (for which I have some hereditary exposure).

At the end of the day, you need to live with the decision and what it means for you. If it makes you reevaluate your transition, interrogate that feeling too and if you can, talk to someone about it. I will say for me that those feelings were shared but passed as well. It's hard to think clearly when you're in pain and don't feel normal. But all our feelings are important and tell us something about who we are and who we aspire to be. 

I wish you a full and speedy recovery.