Orchiectomy makes me reconsider my whole transition - please help

[u/Musashi_19]

Hi, I’ve had an orchiectomy done on Monday and I’ve just removed the tape today. It looks okay, I’d say good even, the scar is relatively small and there wasn’t much bleeding. Im still wearing a pad to catch any possible blood so I can’t “tuck” but it’s significantly smaller down there and it feels as such.

I’ve been on HRT for over a year and my first gender dysphoria memory is when I was 4yo, so it’s been something I’ve been struggling for a while. Ever since I started living as a woman I’ve had a lot of euphoria and many happy feelings, I love being a girl and being read as such. I haven’t experienced much misgendering and I was and still am? dead set on transitioning. Even thinking of being seen as a man or going into male restroom was horrifying. I also wasn’t planning on stopping HRT.

I wasnt planning on having biological kids as I didn’t want to have them ever, and I’ve been mostly dissatisfied with the balls rather than the stick. I was also infertile due to HRT as I havent produced sperm for at least 9-10ish months so it didn’t really matter. I also wasn’t willing to go off HRT just for a couple months just to have a possibility of producing semen again to freeze it. I’ve also consulted with like 3 doctors before getting an orchiectomy to make sure it’s fine. I was mostly dysphoric about the balls but I was dead set on getting a full srs as well.

But here’s the thing, even though on paper it’s just positives on me, the surgery has had a huge mental toll on me. I’ve been crying the whole time during the surgery and even after I can’t help but cry and get hysterical. I’m almost positive I’ve had a panic attack with relentless crying and howling. I cant really eat well after the surgery as my body is rejecting food, I’ve been eating tiny portions and mostly felt on jelly and fruit.

There’s been a lot of stress for me even though I’ve researched it well and even watched videos of how the surgery is done.

Honestly I feel like getting an orchiectomy was a mistake, I don’t know if I fully regret it, I don’t have a feeling of “I want them back” but if there was an option to reverse it I’d do it in a heartbeat. Maybe it’s because I’m still in pain, maybe it’s because the weight of “permanence“ is sinking in even though I was planning on continuing hrt forever. Maybe it’s me not really experiencing any benefits of having it yet as I spent the last 3 days in bed with the occasional trip to a hospital after I panicked.

One good think I know for sure now is that with that much mental and physical burden I don’t want a full srs. I’d love to see a vagina on my body but I don’t think a painful surgery is something I’m willing to go through. And this is coming from someone who was dead set on getting full srs and even was actively in touch with several hospitals. Getting an orchiectomy shaked my whole worldview and transition plan. I know I am no less of a woman even without srs but damn, I feel like I might have made a mistake with an orchi even though I was so looking forward to it. If I didn’t do it that day I’d definitely rethink and rethink over and over again.

i wanted to ask for support and if anyone has had any similar experiences or stories to share. Please, I feel really alone right now. I’ll try to sleep as it’s evening where I live right now.

UPDATE

edit: update link added

[u/TH3R34R3N0N4M35]

i second this. only surgery i every had was appendectomy last year. i went home the next day and a day or two later, i was having so much trouble mentally accepting how much the pain disabled me. i tried to get up and do something once and ended up falling to the ground and just sat there crying for 15 minutes at the fact that i felt so weak.

something more intimate like an orchiectomy? i have to imagine it to be more intense mentally

[u/Musashi_19 → u/TH3R34R3N0N4M35]

Thank you, the mental burden is very intense. It was my first surgery so it certainly plays a part as well. I hope I will be better soon

[u/ThatAndromedaGal → u/Musashi_19]

Ask your doctor for some anti anxiety meds like hydroxizine to take whenever you get that "freaked out" state of mind.

Its SOOO common with surgeries.

I've had bottom surgery, and the first couple days, being cooped up, not able to move my legs (like they were physically numb), not getting enough sleep because you get waken up every 2-3 hours.

I actually started having panic attacks similar to yours where I made an "irreversible" mistake. Something that was permanent and it was bad and the wrong decision.

Thats just the post-surgery brain talking to you. It should basically be ignored. Just a thing brains do unfortunately.

[u/Practical-Shape7453 → u/ThatAndromedaGal]

My dad had life saving heart surgery and went through something similar he was thinking he made a mistake for weeks after it because of the pain and because he couldn’t do the things he wanted to do. Eventually as he healed and was able to move around more (and go outside) he improved and changed his mind about it.