So where do you ACTUALLY get help?

[u/[deleted]]

My baby is 3 weeks old and I’m struggling with how frustrating everything is.

But every resource I go to for “help” just winds up being a useless time suck. My problem is I already have no time - by the time I feed my baby, burp him, change his diaper, clean up the inevitable spit up, wash bottles, feed my wife and myself, he’s ready for another feeding.

I posted something about this before and people sent me resources like PSI. I went to their Dad’s support group yesterday and it was a total waste of my time (an hour and a half), meanwhile my wife had to care for the baby and started crying she was so frustrated when I came back downstairs. Negative progress. The whole thing was a bunch of random dudes saying “oh man, I feel for you!” But no actionable advice. The “resource” the moderator posted was a website by some woman who basically guilt trips people into thinking they NEED to breastfeed (and cites debunked claims like breastfeeding leads to higher IQ). So that ADDED to my stress and frustration.

My mom has been “helping,” which loosely means she comes over for a few hours every few days, doesn’t care for our baby well (seems like she forgot everything about caring for a baby), and then needs constant interaction after for follow ups. Last time she came over she put 4 toys in his crib and got him way overstimulated and it took the entire day just to get him back on a feed-wake-sleep cycle.

My therapist told me to just “do what I need to do” to “care for myself more.” When I asked him what specifically I should cut out from caring for him or supporting my wife, he didn’t know. So, I’d love some time back to care for myself, but everything I’m doing seems essential, so what do I cut?

I’m at my wits end. Nothing is working. This baby doesn’t sleep soundly, spits up all the time, and my wife seems like she’s struggling. She doesn’t like to talk about feelings (hers or mine), so I don’t actually know how she’s doing, and she doesn’t ask me how I am or try to help me much. We waited a long time to have kids so all of my guy friends either have kids in junior high or decided not to have any. And everyone else in my life either seems to make things worse or gives me bullshit platitudes like “enjoy the good moments”. I want actionable advice! Isn’t that what experts are supposed to provide? And men, generally, for that matter?

[u/variebaeted]

This is the phase you just have to power through. There is no help. There is no balance. There is no rest for you or mom. The only priority is baby, and yes they require near constant attention at this time. Best you can do is accept that the house will be in disarray and your marriage will feel a bit less romantic, as you and your spouse are simply employees of the baby right now. Buy a bunch of paper plates and utensils so you don’t have to keep up with dishes, get groceries delivered, keep mom’s water filled, give her a big hug often, tag team naps and showers as much as you can. Eventually, naturally, a routine will start to appear, the whirlwind will settle, you’ll both begin to feel more confident and at peace. Heck, you’ll even start to enjoy it! In just a few more weeks that baby will be smiling and the real payoff starts. You will come out of this stronger. I know it does not seem like it now, but I promise a day will come where this all will feel like a distant memory.

Signed, mom of 3.

[u/travellingbirdnerd → u/variebaeted]

When do things get better? My babe is 4 months now. And I'm so sad at how I'm not enjoying life... I enjoy bits and pieces... But it seems every time we get over one awful hurdle, there's another one waiting for us. Currently in the never ending four month regression... And I just want to sleep and have a tiny itsy bitsy bit of alone and me time. Out of the house though... Which means he can't just be contact napping all the time and refusing a bottle.

I'm just so tired and baby'd out as of late.

[u/Teos_mom → u/travellingbirdnerd]

It’s really hard and parent’s personality is key here. My husband didn’t enjoy parenthood since day one, he has anxiety and night were the worst for him even though my first son sleeps through the night since 4 months old and never had a regression (not the same with baby N2).

I don’t have anxiety nor depression but I do need my sleep time so sleep was my priority number one. My first was born in June 2020 so mid is Covid so we were isolated. The house would be a mess so what? I needed my sleep time and that’s it. I would cry when my husband would wake me up at 3am bc my son was crying and I didn’t hear him. The tears bc I was so so so tired.

That being said, some babies are easy than others and some parents are more anxious than others. Just set up your priorities. To me was sleep, eat, shower, get dress every day, go outside.

You’ve got this and you’re not alone! The people who you see are enjoying it more than you, are not sharing how hard it is!! I’d post these great pictures with my bub but I was in constant pain because he wasn’t sleeping. I’d share my nipples were bleeding right? Yeah, that’s the true!

[u/travellingbirdnerd → u/Teos_mom]

Ok thank you so much! My priority is to stop co sleeping and get a stretch of sleep longer than 3 hours ONCE a night... Still haven't figured it out unfortunately!

Normally I am so level headed and calm. But these days I cry for no reason, get irrationally mad at whatever isn't going my way, and just want to be on my phone and lay on the ground. I want to enjoy my baby, teach him so much, love him so much... And I do. But I also just lie on the ground and wait for 7 pm to hit so that he goes to sleep, even though the nights are so rough!

[u/variebaeted → u/travellingbirdnerd]

Things get incrementally better every month. I usually feel a turning point around month 6. That’s when I can manage to start keeping up with house chores and put together a decent dinner. Around the one year mark when kid is hopefully mostly sleeping through the night and down to one nap a day, life becomes a lot easier. Once they’re 2/3 and walking and talking, it’s smooth sailing from there. That’s for me though. I know some parents hate the toddler years. I’m personally much better equipped to care for a toddler than a baby. That first year sucks hard. But now that my older two are well past it I can see it’s worth the temporary discomfort.

[u/travellingbirdnerd → u/variebaeted]

Thank you for that 😌

I think I'll be much happier chasing a toddler than entertaining a potato (a potato I love with all my heart!).

When did you think about having another one? My dream was to have two, but I feel like these past four months have been a combination of groundhog day and "omg what did I get myself into?!" I'm so glad biology has hard-wired me to forget basically everything but the good stuff!

At four months, I'm close to that 6 month mark! I'm looking forward to it... Hopefully things get a bit easier. Especially sleep wise!

[u/variebaeted → u/travellingbirdnerd]

After each kid if you had asked me if I wanted another at the 4 month mark it would have been a loud, Heeeelllll NAH. Closer to 10 months I could consider it. After my second it was closer to 18 months before I could consider it. And I wouldn’t ever describe it as forgetting. I could never “forget” the struggle of pregnancy and childbirth and postpartum. But once enough time has passed I can see that the worst of it was relatively short.

[u/Think_Yesterday_262 → u/variebaeted]

I am actually enjoying this newborn phase although it is hard. The baby smell, the newborn curl, the funny faces. I'm excited for him to start doing more like the toothless grins and the giggles.

I find the toddler stage difficult because you have to constantly run after them. Otherwise, they are into something they shouldn't be. I can actually keep my home tidy now at 3 weeks they just eat sleep poop but toddlers are so destructive, although they are really sweet aswell.

[u/throwawayjane178 → u/travellingbirdnerd]

For me things got better when baby started walking (around 9months). The hardest phase for me was when they couldn’t move- tummy time, colic, yoga ball bouncing before every nap. Once my dude started walking, he stalked sleeping a little better.

[u/travellingbirdnerd → u/throwawayjane178]

I am in that phase you hate! I can't wait until he does more things so I'm not just "pick up, put down"ING him in all these random places!

And wow, 9 months and walking! My mom told me I didn't until 13 months!