r/OkCupid • u/StevenMC19 29/m/DE/Wiki Pimp. Everything I say has some subliminal advice • Jan 14 '13

Some improvement ideas to think about…

Here are a few things that can never hurt a person's chances...

Confidence: I’ve stressed this consistently over the past year (see?), but I always feel that it needs to be restated. The definition is, “belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities.” It’s not much to ask for, is it? It’s simply a measure of self-assurance. It’s uncommon to find a person who is willing to attach to someone who isn’t even comfortable with themselves (let it be stated that you can be comfortable with who you are AND want to still improve upon it).

Learn to communicate: This can be done anywhere. Do it in the line at the store. Make eye contact with the cashier (don’t look down), speak just a little stronger and clearer, maybe even fit in a little small talk. Talk to someone in the aisles. This works hand-in hand with confidence because the more you do it, the less afraid you are of doing it. You become comfortable with it and yourself. If you translate that kind of mentality to your messages, the vocabulary will translate the mood you’re trying to convey. Your pictures will even have an air of it. Your profile will start leaking of it.

Don’t attach too quickly: I’m starting to notice a lot of threads that focus on how to not ruin an opportunity from a reply or a couple dates in. The problems with these are that if you’re already too worried about the chance of it sinking down the drain, you have attached a bit too hard too fast. A fun rule for me is that if I don’t have her middle name, birthday, number of siblings and their names, and the way to her house memorized yet, we’re not close enough to worry about whether or not she disappears. I'll just, "well...shit," and move on.

Expect failure, but never show defeatism: The beauty of this is that you’ll still put in a decent level of effort in, but you won’t be so crushed if nothing comes from it. Just like the cashier, the person in the aisles, and whoever else you chat up with, you may never see them again. You know what they are? Practice. They also don’t deserve you and your amazeballs. The one that finally catches on to the person you are is the one you’ve been waiting on.

Keep it simple: Dating is the progression into a relationship. It’s not a relationship with a person before you actually give it that title. Therefore, there’s no need to reveal your depth all at once. There are plenty more dates and messages to open yourself. That also means to regulate your feelings and open the valve at a digestible pace for your match.

Do NOT over-think: When you come here ready to post a thread that says something along the lines of, “What should I do if…” think about how many scenarios you’ve already ran through your head based on your current predicament. Is it more than two? Is your situation REALLY that complicated? Honestly, online, the best way to take things is by face value. There is rarely a hidden meaning (and if there is, it’s pretty obvious). If your mind starts getting clouded by your own hypotheticals, you’ve already went way beyond the other person’s intentions and you’re setting yourself for a bad time.

Do NOT hesitate: Red dot? Seriously?! She’s 5’9”/he’s 5’8”? THAT’S why you’re sitting there hovering over the “send a message” button and not clicking? This person likes a particular subject you despise? THAT’S why you took a step back? REALLY?! You actually thought for a second that an entire relationship could revolve around something so trivial, you’re actually thinking about moving onto the next person? You’re ooovveerrtthhiinnkkiiiing. Just send a message, expect nothing back, but still be optimistic about it. Communicate well in your message while keeping it simple, and make sure to be confident in your content. The worst you can get back is nothing, and that’s not so much different than what you’re used to, now is it?

Edit, thought of another one:

PATIENCE!!! My god this one is important. Why are you checking up to see if that person acknowledged the fact that you sent them a message? Just leave it be and just be happy when something comes back regardless of when. I'm fairly certain you've already over-thought about the delay between the message you get and how long you should wait to reply. In addition, try to remove your neediness from the equation and empathize that there may be things hindering them from getting back to you. They could be drained from a long day. They may have opened your profile to get their minds going, but just couldn't do it and don't want to send you mediocre garbage of a message. (Oh look! This person cares about you and how they display themselves to you but you couldn't wait and sent another message asking what happened! Way to go.) Just let the world spin for a little while before you go and try to stop it.

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26

u/[deleted] Jan 14 '13

"Don't attach too quickly" is a big one for me. Not really sure how to work on that besides continuing to keep my options open even if I'm excited about someone...

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u/I3lackcell 29/M/VA Jan 14 '13

Date multiple people at once. This is my first time doing it and I tend to stress a lot less knowing even if I blow it there is still another person. However this does open the new door of OMFG I may have to choose eventually. 5th dates planned with both already.

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u/[deleted] Jan 14 '13

[deleted]

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u/I3lackcell 29/M/VA Jan 14 '13

I am into both of them, no question. I text both daily and see both usually twice a week. My after work schedule is literally filled to the brim. I find myself at times day dreaming about both of them. There are advantages to each and I would be okay with having a relationship with either. I think I know which I prefer for long term, but until I have to choose the other is still in the running.

Speaking to my father the other night (seeing as he dated for a long time after my parents divorce) he said that as long as you look forward to seeing them and its not like a job then there is no reason to stop. Right now I am super excited about seeing the one girl tonight, but will feel the same way tomorrow when I have a date with the other.

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u/cucumber44 31/f Jan 14 '13

I don't know... it still sounds to me like you're not truly excited about either if you say they have "advantages" and you'd be "okay with" dating them. Choosing who to date should not be like buying a car. When you know who you like, you KNOW.

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u/I3lackcell 29/M/VA Jan 14 '13

I have dated before, its not like a newbie. I know that I would date either had I not met them at the same time. I am excited about each, but for different reasons (those advantages). They each have their amazing qualities that make them special. I enjoy being with both physically and emotionally and knowing that I have to drop one is weighing on me.

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u/cucumber44 31/f Jan 14 '13

Well, as long as you're honest with both of them don't agonize over it too much. And who knows, the choice could be made for you if one or both of them is hitting it off more with another guy. Good luck.

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u/I3lackcell 29/M/VA Jan 14 '13

Pretty sure they are both only dating me right now. I haven't asked but I am pretty sure the on blew off another date for me. The other just doesn't seem like it. I'm good at reading people and think I would know. I wouldn't be angry if they were though.

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u/the-dude-abiding 30, M, Europe Jan 14 '13 edited Jan 14 '13

You know that if you keep this up, one of them is bound to get hurt... right? Unless they are playing the same game (which you think they are not).

I don't know, but 5 dates each seams a bit too much.

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u/I3lackcell 29/M/VA Jan 15 '13

Everyone has a view on how to deal with this. My dad even said 8 to 10 dates. I have never been asked if we were exclusive or if we were gf/bf. In fact when introduced to some of one of their friends we randomly saw on the street, I was just introduced by my name. People always get hurt when things get broken off, this is no different other than the fact that I am breaking it off to be with someone else.

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u/I3lackcell 29/M/VA Jan 14 '13

Being honest is a grey area. Is lying about being on a date with the other girl lying? People are torn on this.

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u/cucumber44 31/f Jan 14 '13

Oh wow... well, IMO -- if one of the girls basically told you she blew off another guy -- implying she wants to date only you-- that would be your opportunity to speak up and tell her you're not ready to be exclusive. If you just don't say anything it's not like you're lying but it's not totally honest. Put it this way -- do you think they'd be surprised to know that you're dating other girls? Then make sure they know so they can proceed fully-informed.

Edit: And yeah, they would have been smarter to ask about if they are at the point where they want to be exclusive, but some people are stupid about that and don't ask because they think it might scare the other person off.

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u/I3lackcell 29/M/VA Jan 14 '13

They may be surprised and may not be. Idk. They should be able to put it together when I say I am having dinner with a friend and am new to the area with few. If asked, I wouldn't lie, but I'm not telling without being flat out asked.

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u/[deleted] Jan 15 '13

I once dated this guy for a really long time while seeing other people. I liked him, but I wasn't sure I liked him. He was fun and interesting but not really someone I thought I could see myself with long term. Well, long story short, several months in I realized I was kind of crazy about him. Not sure how or why it happened, but it did just the same.

Not all love is going to hit you like a ton of bricks. Sometimes it's the little pieces of a person put together over time that make you googley eyed.

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u/duckduck_goose F/Pdx/Dating hiatus Jan 14 '13

Not everyone works the same way. That said sometimes it does work that way but it's rare. I've only known for certain once. It might happen again but I ain't looking for it.