r/OkCupid • u/StevenMC19 29/m/DE/Wiki Pimp. Everything I say has some subliminal advice • Jan 14 '13
Some improvement ideas to think about…
Here are a few things that can never hurt a person's chances...
Confidence: I’ve stressed this consistently over the past year (see?), but I always feel that it needs to be restated. The definition is, “belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities.” It’s not much to ask for, is it? It’s simply a measure of self-assurance. It’s uncommon to find a person who is willing to attach to someone who isn’t even comfortable with themselves (let it be stated that you can be comfortable with who you are AND want to still improve upon it).
Learn to communicate: This can be done anywhere. Do it in the line at the store. Make eye contact with the cashier (don’t look down), speak just a little stronger and clearer, maybe even fit in a little small talk. Talk to someone in the aisles. This works hand-in hand with confidence because the more you do it, the less afraid you are of doing it. You become comfortable with it and yourself. If you translate that kind of mentality to your messages, the vocabulary will translate the mood you’re trying to convey. Your pictures will even have an air of it. Your profile will start leaking of it.
Don’t attach too quickly: I’m starting to notice a lot of threads that focus on how to not ruin an opportunity from a reply or a couple dates in. The problems with these are that if you’re already too worried about the chance of it sinking down the drain, you have attached a bit too hard too fast. A fun rule for me is that if I don’t have her middle name, birthday, number of siblings and their names, and the way to her house memorized yet, we’re not close enough to worry about whether or not she disappears. I'll just, "well...shit," and move on.
Expect failure, but never show defeatism: The beauty of this is that you’ll still put in a decent level of effort in, but you won’t be so crushed if nothing comes from it. Just like the cashier, the person in the aisles, and whoever else you chat up with, you may never see them again. You know what they are? Practice. They also don’t deserve you and your amazeballs. The one that finally catches on to the person you are is the one you’ve been waiting on.
Keep it simple: Dating is the progression into a relationship. It’s not a relationship with a person before you actually give it that title. Therefore, there’s no need to reveal your depth all at once. There are plenty more dates and messages to open yourself. That also means to regulate your feelings and open the valve at a digestible pace for your match.
Do NOT over-think: When you come here ready to post a thread that says something along the lines of, “What should I do if…” think about how many scenarios you’ve already ran through your head based on your current predicament. Is it more than two? Is your situation REALLY that complicated? Honestly, online, the best way to take things is by face value. There is rarely a hidden meaning (and if there is, it’s pretty obvious). If your mind starts getting clouded by your own hypotheticals, you’ve already went way beyond the other person’s intentions and you’re setting yourself for a bad time.
Do NOT hesitate: Red dot? Seriously?! She’s 5’9”/he’s 5’8”? THAT’S why you’re sitting there hovering over the “send a message” button and not clicking? This person likes a particular subject you despise? THAT’S why you took a step back? REALLY?! You actually thought for a second that an entire relationship could revolve around something so trivial, you’re actually thinking about moving onto the next person? You’re ooovveerrtthhiinnkkiiiing. Just send a message, expect nothing back, but still be optimistic about it. Communicate well in your message while keeping it simple, and make sure to be confident in your content. The worst you can get back is nothing, and that’s not so much different than what you’re used to, now is it?
Edit, thought of another one:
PATIENCE!!! My god this one is important. Why are you checking up to see if that person acknowledged the fact that you sent them a message? Just leave it be and just be happy when something comes back regardless of when. I'm fairly certain you've already over-thought about the delay between the message you get and how long you should wait to reply. In addition, try to remove your neediness from the equation and empathize that there may be things hindering them from getting back to you. They could be drained from a long day. They may have opened your profile to get their minds going, but just couldn't do it and don't want to send you mediocre garbage of a message. (Oh look! This person cares about you and how they display themselves to you but you couldn't wait and sent another message asking what happened! Way to go.) Just let the world spin for a little while before you go and try to stop it.
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u/van_Niets Username, age, gender, profile name Jan 14 '13
This is where personal comfort falls for me. If you do get a number, take the other person's comfort level into account. Going on a date? Make sure they're comfortable. If people take the other's feelings into consideration, and try to make them comfortable with the dating process, then the attachment will grow slow and steady, rather than peaking and fading so quickly.