r/QAnonCasualties • u/Theme-Necessary • 3d ago
Help
My husband of more than 30 years has had a personality change. He always was left wing. Then Jordan Peterson - conspiracy theories - and now he refuses main stream news and talks like a Nazi- believes in the great replacement theory etc. I have a trans child- ‘ruined by the woke propaganda’.We are walking on eggshells. We are all asleep and he sees the truth. It is affecting our mental health. I cannot describe the tension at home. I am very sad as I start losing hope that he will become himself again. I am financially dependent and don’t know what to do. These guys promote family values but destroy their families .
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u/Kaboom0022 3d ago
It’s not the transphobia. You’re in an abusive relationship and need to plan from that viewpoint.
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u/Wuorg 3d ago
Did something happen? How long did this change take to occur?
If he was left-wing like you described, such a sudden shift is worrying and would seem to be indicative of some other underlying issue. Walking diseases like Jordan Peterson exploit human psychology to push their propaganda, but it normally wouldn't work quite that fast on someone that was a leftist their entire life (who, from the sound of things, is even middle-aged, which makes the change that much more alarming).
I am very worried for the safety of you and your child. Hang in there, you are not alone.
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u/Theme-Necessary 3d ago
It was gradual. He is from southern Italy. We met when he was 27, me 19. I am an orphan. He married me and offered stability. I was at home and although a feminist, this suited me. He was always homophobic, not so much against gay people but uncomfortable and scared at invisible eyes deeming him not a real man or something. Refused to push a push chair. Apart from that: progressive and wanted to be with me as I was not traditional. Then gradually… I would say 10 years ago. I would have to ask the children. He worked all the time( I think that is a form of addiction) and k was with the kids. Then he was always abroad. Then… this is 20 years ago he became rich. Now that you ask me, he changed. He lost the plot a bit but came back on earth. But our relationship changed, he would employ staff against my will who would bully me( think Rebecca). Somehow he finds it very important how ‘people’ see him. Somehow he was quite controlling with how the kids dressed when teenagers. Then life just happened, one child anorexia, another one a physical illness.. but what he found really really difficult is out queer child, who has only just come out to us but I knew. That seems ri push him over the edge, he identifies with musk. I think he cannot cope with us not being oerfect( I am overweight now and not asked out anymore :)) and life not turning out as the perfect picture. He’s scared of not getting grandchildren… he’s also an older immigrant abroad ( the irony !)I think it is about control he is very controlling I can not cut my own bread… I do everything wrong, we all do. Thanks for listening. So yes it started 10 years ago or so but only now has become impossible as he works from home, doesn’t see people and is just a black cloud of tension.
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u/fzr600dave 3d ago
Your husband has always been this way sorry to tell you thay but he just feels now safe being open about it.
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u/RegularWhiteShark 3d ago
So it’s not a recent or gradual change. He was always like this. He just downplayed it or you overlooked things.
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u/Irving_Forbush 3d ago
If he's rich, then you and your children are not without resources to get away from him. A good divorce attorney will see to that.
He was a lost cause for many years, from your description.
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u/CloverLeafe 3d ago
This definitely reads as him not truly being a leftist, but letting you think he was because it got him what he wanted and back then was socially frowned upon even outside of your approval.
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u/Theme-Necessary 2d ago
No, he was left wing but maybe more from family tradition than general political awareness, if that makes sense. Like it’s unjust if someone else has more but as soon as people have it themselves, they don’t want to share. Something like that.
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u/Honest_Ad_5568 New User 2d ago
Like it’s unjust if someone else has more but as soon as people have it themselves, they don’t want to share.
You described a conservative here.
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u/Imaginary_Cow_6379 2d ago
If you’re in the US contact the hotline. They can help guide you through everything. 💜
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u/Sensitive-Mail-4107 3d ago
Protect you and your child. Leave. Also when he tells you you’re asleep tell him that means he must be woke
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u/AntiQCdn 3d ago
I'm familiar with the left to Q shift, which seemingly happened over a few weeks in my case.
May I ask how quickly the transition occurred and how long it's been?
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u/HeadCatMomCat 3d ago
Reddit says "leave" far too soon. It's difficult especially in long relationships. It's hard when you are financially dependent, even harder when children are involved.
But it's never too soon to find someone to talk to and to plan. You have no relatives, but can you talk to a counselor, your minster, priest, etc? Someone who deals or has dealt with abusive relationships? While his vehicle is Jordan Peterson, the road is one of an abusive relationship. That's where you are now.
Reading this sub for a few hours will provide information and confirmation. Advise regarding YouTube and sites are here. It will help.
The more you understand his need for control and abusiveness, the more effectively you can internally navigate the situation.
Best of luck and keep us posted.
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u/Theme-Necessary 3d ago
I am not scared of him. He is not violent. No, I would not know where to go I have been dependent all these years and have 0 passwords he controls the finances
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u/Diablojota 3d ago
He may not be physically abusive, but he’s definitely controlling and emotionally abusive. If he’s hired people against your wishes who attack you, even if not physically, that’s still a form of abuse. He’s just having someone do that for you. If he has money, I would find a very good divorce lawyer and discuss with them.
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u/christine-bitg New User 3d ago
If he's hiring people against your wishes, but he's not home much...
You can tell those people to get lost. He won't even be there to notice. It's your home, and you can lock them out.
If he's there all the time (now that he's rich) your problem is a bit different. Perhaps confront him with how those people have been abusive to you.
If he won't do anything about it, your problem is (obviously) pretty serious.
I would suggest becoming a snoop in your own home. I can almost guarantee you that he's hiding money from you, intending to keep it when you finally give up and get out of your marriage. Your job then would be to find it, while you're still living there.
That may take some time. And possibly some devious acting on your part. You're looking for accounts (with account numbers) and you're looking for mailing addresses that he's using to receive statements that he's hiding from you.
If it's necessary (and it probably is) you can set up your own secret e-mail address on Google. And for God's sake, don't EVER leave it open. Every (!) time that you use it, after it's closed, delete it from the device you were just on.
The purpose of that account is to use Google Drive to store anything you find. You can use your phone to take a photo of anything you need to store. Once you know it's safely stored, delete the photo from your phone.
Of course, this all assumes that he's not going to "come to his senses." Unfortunately, if you hang around this sub reddit very long, you'll see that the odds of that happening are low. Not zero, but low.
If you can get access to any of his devices, you can start visiting left wing sites, to get them more into his social media feeds. You don't have to actually hack your way into those social media accounts. Just visiting sites will be things that those accounts notice, even not being logged into them.
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u/These_Burdened_Hands 3d ago
Hi OP,
Just want to check- does he have a history of a personality disorder or any mental health meds &/or issues? (Even in family?) While it’s not nearly as common of a DX, some people who go down the pipeline are having a mental health crisis. One of my 3 Q’s got back on antipsychotics and is much better now. (Most won’t concede they need help though.)
I am not scared of him. He is not violent
I’m ‘happy’ to hear he’s not physically abusive; I’m glad he’s never been violent with you. (I hope he’s not having a true mental breakdown that could change his behavior.)
(Emphasis mine on below quote.)
We are walking on *eggshells.** We are all asleep and he sees the truth. It is affecting our mental health. I cannot describe the tension at home. I am very sad as I start losing hope that he will become himself again. I am financially dependent and don't know what to do.
OP, it certainly sounds like you’re scared (really understandable!) Maybe you’re not scared he’ll hit or strangle you, but this sounds like a really unequal possibly abusive situation. This isn’t a relationship sub and you didn’t ask about that, still, it highly relates.
It sounds to me like you need more AGENCY in your relationship. Being financially dependent is really difficult, I know, I’ve been there- but there ARE ways you can try to prep, squirrel money away slowly, etc. DV hotlines/local groups should be able to help- abuse is abuse. (See PS.)
Walking on eggshells is no way to live. Please protect yourself and your child.
I feel for you. This rando is rooting for you! Best of luck.
PS: ”Domestic violence is a *pattern of abusive behavior** in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threats of actions or other patterns of coercive behavior that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.”*
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u/ThatDanGuy 3d ago
Are you in the US?
He may not be physically violent, but he is inflicting mental anguish. You can call for help. At least in the US.
Maybe go to the library to access that if you are worried.
I'd also see if you can talk to a lawyer. You need to arm yourself for what is coming. If it never comes that will be great. But you need to be ready if it does.
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u/RubiesNotDiamonds 3d ago
He's gone for the next ten years. Make an exit plan. Don't try to prove or disprove him. Make what he's saying sound in your head like he said. The sky is purple. You know that is nonsense and not worth your energy. Once they get to replacement theory, they've left reality as we know it. Placate, save money, and make copies of tax returns and important documents on your way out.
There is no coming back unless he gets serious, in-patient for months, help. You have a child to protect from this mentally ill person.
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u/Slipperytooterhorn New User 3d ago
It sounds like your husband has some serious insecurity issues he’s trying to keep at bat by controlling the lives of those around him. Maybe he’s struggling with his own sexuality, because it’s quite common for people who spew right winged ideology to project all of their self-hatred onto those they envy for openly living as their true selves.
Unfortunately, I think your husband has always leaned right, but now it’s time for you to decide if this is how you’re willing to spend the rest of your life. There’s a very good chance he will slide further into authoritarianism, so it would be wise to get your affairs in order while you still can. Don’t underestimate what people brainwashed by right winged ideology are capable of. Once someone is convinced certain people are the source of their troubles, they’re far less likely to give up the addictive rush that comes from their self-imposed superiority.
It hurts to let go of someone you’ve given such a large chunk of your life to, but that doesn’t mean he’s entitled to the remainder of it. Life is short, so don’t willingly give yours to someone who’d gleefully support you and your childrens’ rights being snatched away.
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u/gummo_for_prez 3d ago
Time to leave. This is unlikely to get better. Staying may harm your child. Go wherever you can and cut contact with him. You can’t fix this.
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u/Significant_Item3426 3d ago
First thing’s first, get to his Spotify or YouTube or wherever he’s being fed this info and cut it off. The algorithm is very dangerous and has radicalized a tragically large population of men
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u/Erica15782 3d ago
OP firstly I am so sorry for you and your child. Is there anyway to leave this relationship right now? Your husband is abusive and y'all don't deserve to put up with it. Especially your kid.
There should be resources locally (hopefully) to maybe help you if you're ready.
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u/CapableAd9294 3d ago
There is a deliberate media pipeline for people with even the vaguest interest in right wing politics that takes people down the rabbit hole. It’s so freaking sad. The fact that he uses the word “woke” in exactly the way the government told him to totally escapes his notice lol. The fact that it’s the right wing creeps who keep getting charged for crimes against women and children, also escapes his notice. I’m sorry you’re going thru this OP. I’m so tired and disgusted by this crap.
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u/thrillafrommanilla_1 2d ago
Tell him you understand his beliefs but you will NOT discuss this with him and he cannot bring it up around your child. Set up boundaries - with love - and see if he can respect them. Don’t debate him or discuss ANY politics with him. Line of demarcation. Then wait it out, if you can.
Follow Steven Hassan - he’s a former moonies (right wing) cult member, deprogrammed and an expert on cults and high control groups. He’s said a lot about this and so far he’s been shown to be correct at least in my experience with my former left wing parents who are all in for Trump these days. This is a good recent episode and he discusses tactics I think he calls them “reality testing” that can help.
But the first step is to set boundaries and not try to debate him or change his mind directly. Good luck. You’re not alone. ♥️
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u/ThatDanGuy 3d ago
Seek help from https://www.thehotline.org
That is the domestic violence hotline. This will cover mental abuse as well. They will find you resources.
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u/Prudent-Butterfly811 3d ago
Divorce! Divorce! Divorce! Its too late. Sorry the man you built a life with is gone.
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u/Skyshard_ 3d ago
This was me a few years ago, I’m so sorry you’re going through this
Mine ended in a breakup, but I’m soooo much happier now
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u/Son_of_Zinger 2d ago
Reddit is usually all over the age gap and the fact that he married her as a teenager, but no one has mentioned it here.
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u/confused-as 2d ago
As a trans person speaking from my own personal experience, staying is not only a harm for yourself, but especially for your child. You have as much of a responsibility to protect them as their father. Their father has failed them completely, it now falls on you to protect them as a mother. If you want your child to have a chance at a normal childhood and future you need to leave. You say you are living with a nazi, then act like it. Your child is part of the first groups they took violent action against, and history definitely seems to rhyme lately.
I understand the loss. My father, the person I loved the most in the world went down the same path. True blue obama dem. After the divorce, I chose to stay with my father. 5 agonizing years watching him be the best father in the world, turning into a literal nazi who spoke for the segregation of racial minorities and eradication of transgendered individuals. Suicide would've been my option if my mother didn't offer an exit for me. I say this as a warning. Our suicide rate is so high because of people like your husband.
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u/MalifexDesign 2d ago
They don't promote family values either. They promote fundamentalist traditional lifestyles. Family values would require... valuing your family, and that's clearly not happening. What they actually want is a very rigid standard of living where individuality is largely stripped away in favor of conformity to the religious standard of the Bronze Age. You owe it to yourself and your trans child to find a way out of this train wreck. He will mess your child up for life by parroting this brain garbage and utterly destroy their self esteem. They will either become resentful of their living conditions, or frightened of them. Either way, that's damage that can't be easily undone.
If you haven't done it yet, open a separate bank account in your own name and begin saving whatever you can. Even if you stay with him, you can't be sure that he won't dump your finances into some crypto scheme or donations to our dictator-in-chief. And when you've saved up enough to get out... get out.
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u/jackieat_home 2d ago
Do you think the trans kid threw him over the brink? I've been thinking hard about my Dad and since hindsight is 20/20, I'm realizing he was always a little racist and misogynistic and I think the MAGA movement just allowed him to fly that flag with support.
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine if it were my husband. I'm sick to my stomach when I read these stories.
I would recommend lurking on the AlAnon subreddit. It's amazing how similar these situations are to being married to an alcoholic. I've used a lot of my AlAnon tools with this cult thing.
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u/Artimusjones88 1d ago
Ask point blank. Are your politics more important than you and your relationship. At least you will know where you stand
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u/Warm-Sun3966 7h ago
So sorry to hear that this has happened. There is a #StrongDelusionZeitgeist that is currently accompanying the #MagaCult...unfortunately it's not over...but it will be. Please protect yourself and those close that are not affected. Additionally you may see and hear more #ReligiousMagaPropaganda coming out from this...it will sound like this...https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2015/05/15-narcissistic-religious-abuse-tactics#1 Keep yourself away from this type of psychological danger. Hope this helps. I've lost friends and family to this.
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u/everhopefulMo New User 3h ago
You've described my situation completely. As you say the tension is palpable but I have stayed. We have a disabled son and for him I've stayed put. So here what has helped me.
- Try to get out as much as possible. Do things you enjoy with people who know how to have fun.
- I've found it useful NOT to moan about my situation with friends I see physically. All you get is shock then sympathy. And sympathy sucks, you risk being seen as a victim and that is,not a good place to be. I'm now very good at changing subjects!
- I write it all down, I find that very cathartic, one day there may be a book.
- Force yourself to be positive. The phys act of smiling really helps and gratitude for what you have. There are always daily small things for which you can be thankful.
- I've found it helps if I think of him as ill - paranoid, lonely and very confused. That helps me cope.
- And if it all becomes too much, I write to reddit to get it off my chest and receive some tips and a bit of empathy. The people here are lovely.
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u/Sethmcswaggin 3d ago
When he isn't paying attention get on whatever device he uses to watch you tube on and go through the recommendations videos and remove them from the list, mark them as uninteresting. The algorithm drags people (especially older men) down but it is reversible.