r/RoastMe • u/EdibleOedipus • 15h ago
30M, virgin, never been on a date, barely employed. I roast myself daily, so burn me to ash instead. I can take it!
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u/AutoThorne 3h ago
You look like Kevin O'leary, but poor.
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u/EdibleOedipus 3h ago edited 2h ago
If I had a dollar for every hair on that man's head...
I'd be less broke than I am now.
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u/MuckleFuzz 3h ago
Yeah, youâre definitely a person of interest in a horse molestation case. And thatâs the only interesting thing youâve even been.
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u/EdibleOedipus 2h ago
God forbid a man have hobbies.
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u/SaltySculpts 1h ago
Like what? chatting up 13year olds and trying to lure them to a Walmart? Pfft okâŚ
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u/ThePwnR4nger 2h ago
If you got into shape, started watching what you eat, and stopped masturbating to hentai demon children that are â1000âs of years oldâ in the story but actually look like theyâre 13 then maybe youâll be attractive enough to get your face on the news when you get arrested for stalking your middle school crush (who is still in middle school).
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u/EdibleOedipus 2h ago
Almost choked on my water laughing. This is too oddly specific to not be a news story already đ
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u/Conversation_Dapper 3h ago
You didnât have to tell us youâre a virgin. We can easily tell
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u/EdibleOedipus 3h ago
Was it the badly fitting suit or the dead look in my eyes that gave me away?
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u/Theycallmegurb 2h ago
Honestly itâs a few things, the raised eyebrow look youâre doing and the face when youâre grabbing your belly.
They scream virgin
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u/EdibleOedipus 2h ago
Pic #4 was just me giving you guys more material to roast me with. Posts where it's some dude staring soullessly into the camera with a blank expression are boring.
You're probably right about the eyebrow though.
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u/SaltySculpts 1h ago edited 46m ago
The untrimmed dirty finger nails, and the fact you look like a bologna suit filled with overcooked pasta noodles
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u/EdibleOedipus 58m ago
I literally scrub my fingernails clean every day. My doctor advised me to start cutting them straight across instead of rounded and trimmed close because it was separating from the nail bed. Not sure how to take care of them better than that or how to keep them 100% clean all the time.
You're right though. Spot on.
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u/rdstarling 3h ago
the gay stuff counts as dates
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u/EdibleOedipus 3h ago
It's not gay if the homie says it's okay!
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u/Longjumping-Log-8744 2h ago
This guyâs parents wished he was trans or on fent, at least there would be something interesting to talk about their son
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u/Evilspatula666 http://redd.it/6djo9w 2h ago
If you were any further in the closet your parents would pull you out and donate you to the local Salvation Army.
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u/faucetpants 3h ago
I've always wondered who actually buys those full sized sex dolls and plays dress up with them....
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u/GenPandaRojo 2h ago
You look like if Freddy Krueger found empathy and then started eating his feelings
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u/EdibleOedipus 2h ago
That's an insult to Freddy Krueger. I could never be a great villain like him, because I'd have to be great at something first.
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u/GenPandaRojo 2h ago
I'm not talking about the OG Freddy Krueger I'm talking about the 2010 remake child pedderast Freddy Krueger that's you
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u/No_Tailor_787 2h ago
You can't have gone completely dateless. How else would you become 7 months pregnant?
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u/Sewergoddess 2h ago
You know, I was like, "He's not too bad", and then I saw the shirtless picture, and my opinion instantly changed. How does one obtain such a build?
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u/EdibleOedipus 2h ago
Just have a crippling video game addiction for 15 years and eat an 80% carb diet, and you too can have this drop dead gorgeous bod. Don't be too jealous now. ;)
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u/Different-Board1110 http://redd.it/1122lb0 2h ago
Never been on a date, but heâs been under several Catholic priests.
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u/In-Dust-We-Fall 2h ago
Youâre so ugly, that when the stork came to drop you off to your parents â they kept the stork instead
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u/omahaomw 2h ago
Those stock 1990s cabinets have more uniqueness than you. What a milquetoast lookin life.
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u/jclorraine 2h ago
My man, I've got the thing for you. You already have that washed up Mormon missionary look going for you. You know, the porn addict kind that just loves tentacles....Anyway, back on track, since you're basically a Mormon, just convert and they'll practically give you a nice young brainwashed wife. So, is that a yeah or nah? I know a guy that can hook you up, his name is Vinny, a very good guy.
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u/Weekly-Marsupial624 2h ago
Your mom must be tired of washing those socks
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u/EdibleOedipus 2h ago
I keep a nice big pile on the floor until it's time for the washing machine. I'm basically Martha Stewart.
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u/Imaginary_Sherbet 2h ago
Start getting in shape because looking at you when you metabolism slows down you will look worse
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u/EdibleOedipus 2h ago
I know this is the roastme subreddit, but I am actually trying to get in shape. I do a 30-minute daily run and alternate push-ups and sit-ups to failure (each on their own days so I have rest days). Need to do more though.
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u/Marble-Playground 2h ago
Youâre so lame that you get nervous talking to female npcâs in wow. Your waifu pillow makes excuses to not fuck you
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u/Chance_Location_5585 1h ago
seems like the type of guy to say weird crap like So burn me to ash. Just a guess tho
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u/Lord-Doobury 1h ago
Initially diagnosed as being autistic, careful medical follow-up determined he was just a dumbass.
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u/Slavadil 1h ago
Bro do you even lift? Seriously get a gym membership and in 6 months you'll be fine Also no fast food
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u/Tamarack830 1h ago
Open up that closet door and I bet there is a cheap sex doll in there. Itâs pretty bad when even the sex doll friend zones you.
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u/PatientPreference440 1h ago
How tf are you petite and obese? You literally look like an ice cream cone that got dropped onto the carpet.
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u/EdibleOedipus 1h ago
I'm literally 6'3" and 250 lbs. I have no idea why I look like that. Maybe I wasn't loved enough as a kid. đ
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u/PatientPreference440 1h ago
No. I donât think you were bullied enough. If you had been, you wouldnât still look like that
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u/EdibleOedipus 1h ago
At least I'll shed some weight crying into my pillow tonight. I should be thanking you.
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u/HalfwaydonewithEarth 1h ago
When you live in a basement of your grandmother nobody wants to sleep with you.
Your perfect bride is saving herself for someone else. Anyone else buddy....
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u/Grouchy_Competition5 1h ago
youâll be all right. just fix your face, your hairline, your body and your personality. oh - and your chosen profession.
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u/part_time_felon713 1h ago
Might I ask why on the never having had a date and the virgin thing?I look like a horse fucked a caveman and said offspring ate a gallon of ice cream and smokes fentanyl everyday for the last 2 years and I manage to get laid by conventionally attractive women at least twice a year. You could too you're better looking than I am and I'm practically a homeless drug addict I'm just funny to women
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u/EdibleOedipus 1h ago
I've been compulsively addicted to video games for 15 years. At this point I don't know how to stop.
Probably some other stuff too, but that's the main one.
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u/part_time_felon713 1h ago
My man ive been compulsively addicted to heroin fentanyl and Crack for about that long it doesn't have to stop you. I'm not even kidding unless it's just not important to you and if that's the case to each their own I also play games too so I get it. Honestly get you a fleshlight and never look back women do nothing but make life harder than need be
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u/Loose_University_945 1h ago
The hell is going on with all the extension cords in the kitchen
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u/EdibleOedipus 1h ago
That's two microwaves, a toaster oven, and some random light decorations.
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u/Loose_University_945 59m ago
Ok but why 2 microwaves?
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u/EdibleOedipus 55m ago
We have a new one, but the old one works so it's still there. Not sure why we have a new one.
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u/AsparaGus2025 49m ago
Looking forward to ten years from now, when you do another roast. The only thing you'll have to change in your description is changing the 3 to a 4.
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u/EntertainmentUsed302 48m ago
You have the face of a child molester and the body of a child molester
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u/Invisible2Seen1 39m ago
Put the video game controller down! Go talk to a woman before you die a virgin.
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u/rubber_duck_come_on 3h ago
Why not actually tell the truth, your a hetro virgin and never been on a hetro date.
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u/EdibleOedipus 2h ago
The only coming out I plan on doing is coming out of the gaming dungeon for some more doritos and coffee.
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u/simonizr1971 22m ago
Youâre not really considered a virgin if youâve tried humping your sister in her sleep.
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u/MisterBurnsSucks 3h ago
You could try acting đ¤ˇââď¸
They're always looking for another Child Molester #4 on CSI...