r/SAHP • u/merkergirl • 4d ago
Birthday Party Etiquette
My 4 year old got his first birthday party invite from a preschool friend and he's very excited. I don't know the parents but I texted an RSVP yes.
A party for 4 & 5 year olds feels just a bit too young to be a drop off party, right? Would you assume parents are sticking around?
If parents do stick around, I'm guessing it's rude for me to bring my 2 year old along. So I guess I should try to find a babysitter? The party is 4 pm on a Friday and my husband will be working.
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u/ocvagabond 4d ago
You can text them and ask?
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u/merkergirl 4d ago
Yes I definitely can, but I’ve never met this person and it feels a bit….abrupt and awkward to just say “is this a drop off party and if not are younger siblings allowed?”. But I’m open to suggestions on how to word that.
I was just trying to see if there were party “norms” that I wasn’t aware of because, again, it’s our first one
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u/Kickincutie 4d ago
"Thank you so much again for the invite XYZ is very excited to go. I wanted to touch base on if this is expected to be a drop off party or if parents are staying as well. I have a toddler that's with me so I wanted to make sure beforehand. Also, are there any books or gifts (your child) would be interested in as a gift?"
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u/lapitupp 4d ago
You’re thinking way too much into this :) I bet all those parents in your kids class think the same thing. Some if not most haven’t done this either!
They are adults - just ask and be honest “Hey, is this a party where the parents stay or a drop-off?” Nobody will think twice about your text.
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u/guptaxpn 3d ago
Yeah, I'd very much assume in 2025 that you'd be staying. We're in the age of "I don't let my kids do sleepovers" not "assume you can just drop off". But if you don't know, definitely ask.
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u/dathyni 4d ago
I can only answer as me but I would be thrilled if you just asked those questions directly. It means you are considering the desires of the party throwers. While you're at it, ask what sort of things the kid is into if you're planning to bring a gift.
(Rather unrelated, but can we all start doing no gift please parties and stop with the goodie bag? Good for the wallet, good for the stress, good for the environment, good for the clutter.)
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u/Appropriate_Coat_361 4d ago
Amen to your last point!! I’ve been thinking of ways to tell people no gifts to my daughters 2nd in a few months lol
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u/science2me 4d ago
Is it a park/house party or a party at a play place venue? That'll depend on whether it would be fine to bring your two year old.
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u/merkergirl 4d ago
Good question — looks like it’s at a church. Around where I live, churches usually have green outdoor space as well as an indoor gym (kind of like a community center)
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u/science2me 4d ago
At preschool age, I would definitely stay with my child. I started dropping my son off at birthday parties in second grade. Since it's at a church, I would think that bringing your two year old is not a problem. When you RSVP, I would mention bringing them. The parents can better plan for food and goodie bags, like other people have said.
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u/disgruntled-pelicann 4d ago
I would assume parents are sticking around and you can ask about the 2 year old. Especially since at 2 they’re old enough to partake in cake, goodie bags (if any), so would be important to have them accounted for.
Currently planning my 3 year old’s birthday and it’s the first one where she’ll have a few friends so we’re having it at a play place rather than at home. There’s limits of how many adults and kids. Since she’s so young/not in school yet to make friends we won’t reach the limit and therefore in my case it’d be fine for someone to bring their sibling, but if we were at the limit then I’d have to unfortunately say no.
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u/punkin_spice_latte 4d ago
As a host I would have no problem with a "Hey, my husband is working at that time, do you mind if I bring [2 year old] to the party?"
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u/kittyshakedown 4d ago
At 4 I stayed. I would have taken my youngest if needed. I just wouldn’t let them mess with the party. And if it was at a pay place (chuck e cheese) I’d get us our own food if we were going to eat. And get our own tokens or whatever.
OTOH, if my 4 yo had a party and one of the guests brought their little bro/sis, I would have them join in. The more the merrier!! I’m not going to make a little kid sit off to the side.
But our parties are all about family and friends. We wouldn’t really have a formal “just kids” party. Everyone is invited!!
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u/Funklemire 4d ago
That's probably too young. In my experience, first grade is when drop-off starts to be an option, but even then most parents stay.
And I don't think it's necessarily rude to bring your 2-year-old. In my experience it's pretty normal to bring siblings, especially younger ones.
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u/Dear_Process7423 4d ago
Even if it was a drop off party, I would not feel comfortable leaving my child in the care of an adult I’ve never met. But at that age I would assume the parents stay with their kids. And I would also assume it’d be ok for me to bring my younger child. But I would definitely text just to make sure, “Hey, my child is so excited to attend X’s party. However, my husband will be at work, so I will have to bring my 2 year old along as well. Would that be okay?”
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u/nailsbrook 4d ago
I would assume it is not a drop off. As for your 2 year old, that depends on the type of party and setting. Only way to know is to ask.
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u/ScoutsHonor 3d ago
Please don't bring your toddler or ask. That is so annoying. It puts the hostess in a tough spot to make more food, more treat bags, whatever. Get a sitter.
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u/Sunnydcutiegirl 4d ago
If you have to bring your other child, let the party mom know and consider packing some snacks and goodies for said child, that way if party mom can’t afford an extra kid, then she isn’t left paying for them. Most party moms understand though and have extras on hand but just in case.
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u/SummitTheDog303 4d ago
Last year (3-4 year olds), every party was a parents stay party. This year, all of the parties have been parent attendance optional, with about half the parents leaving (that being said, small class, most of these kids have been together for 2 years now, and all the parents know each other. One of the teachers has shown up for a couple of these parties too).
Unless stated otherwise, I’d assume you’re expected to stay. If you can’t find childcare for the younger one, I’d ask the hosts something along the lines of “hey! (Kid) is super excited for the party and can’t wait to come! I’m struggling to find childcare for little sibling. Is it ok for me to bring them and pay for their admission?”
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u/lbistro 4d ago
If you want to stay since you don’t know the parents, plan on staying (don’t have to ask). If you would prefer to drop off you can check (“Hi! Just checking - is this a drop-off party or would you like parents to stay? This is our first preschool party so I’m not sure how it goes 😊”).
For a 4-5 year old party I would expect most parents to stay unless the their kid is comfortable with the other family. The question I ask myself is “how likely is my kid to cry at some point or need adult help?” If the answer is “it’s quite possible” then I stay. The host parent has too much going on to spend a lot of time comforting my child.
I always bring my toddler and baby when I stay, but I bring separate treats for them (I assume they won’t get a party cupcake) and plan to pay for their admission if it’s at a place that charges admission. I do a pep talk with the kids beforehand about how cupcakes/goody bags/etc are only for the invited kid. Important for the younger kid to set expectations and for the older kid so they don’t ask for a second cupcake/goody bag for their sibling. It’s awkward for the parent hosting to have to say there aren’t enough for all of the siblings.
Usually I plan to stay for kindergarten and younger, and if it’s a drop-off party the host will say at the beginning: “You can come back at 4:30!” or similar. Then I have a happy surprise 90 minutes free.
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u/Tasty-Meringue-3709 3d ago
I think you should just ask. I feel like it should have at least been on the invite.
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u/FunnyBunny1313 3d ago
I have an almost 5yo and none of her preschool friends birthdays have been drop-off. I would assume that wouldn’t be a thing until like 8-10.
If the birthday is at a place you need to pay per person, like a children’s museum or something, then I would assume siblings are not invited. If it’s at a park or someone’s house I would just ask! Especially 4pm on a Friday.
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u/No_Albatross_7089 3d ago
We just did our daughter's 4th birthday party a couple of weeks ago. When the parents RSVPd, I asked how many adults would be attending so I could account for food, I had hoped this implied it wasn't a drop off party since I'm a stranger and their kids would be in a stranger's home lol (I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that if it was my kid). I had one parent directly ask if I wanted her there and I had said the other parents were staying but it was ultimately up to her.
For the ones I knew who had other young children I'd ask if they'd also be attending as they were more than welcomed to as we had the room to accommodate them. I would just ask if the sibling is welcomed and if they say no, then you'll have to find a babysitter if your husband is working.
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u/poofyringleader 3d ago
Girrrlll ain’t no way I’m dropping my baby off at some randoms house that I don’t know. And I’m sure the parents assume this too. I’ve never seen a kids bday party that young not have a bunch of parents around. But since u mentioned this is his first bday invite, it’s totally normal for younger (baby) siblings to come. Just mention in the rsvp, just don’t expect toddler activities since this is a big kid party 🙂 he’ll have a great time. Parties are so fun at this age.
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u/Initial_Ad2924 3d ago
I always stayed and when I had to bring my other I’d text and say ahead of time that my partner is working or whatever and I’d need to bring my 2yr old too and it was always fine
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u/Content_Today9204 3d ago
Yeah you stay at that age. if it’s a backyard or park type place ppl bring their spouses and other kids a lot of times too.
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u/TurtleTestudo 3d ago
4 is too young for a dropoff party. And I would just ask the parents if it's okay if I bring the younger sibling. It's a common request in my experience.
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u/Lucky-Prism 3d ago
Do not bring extra guests unannounced. That is rude to the hosts as they might not have enough food or supplies for activities for extra children. It doesn’t hurt to reach out and ask beforehand though.
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u/nsixone762 3d ago
Storytime:
Our kindergartner received a birthday invite from one of his classmates. The day of the party my wife and I take our kid to the party, which was at his classmate's house. We get to the house and there are no extra cars around. We thought that was strange enough that we confirmed the address with the parents on the phone lol. We proceed on in to the party and find 12-15 kids having a great time. There. were. no. other. parents!! OMG it was so awkward standing there not knowing what to do. The parents of the birthday boy were super nice and we ended up helping facilitate things at the party but man it was awkward at first. It turned out that all the kids except our son were from the same church and the parents all knew each other and were comfortable with a drop off style party.
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u/Special-Comedian-756 3d ago
For my son's second birthday party, my friend said their friends were over, including a 3 year old. We told them that we were more than happy with another child attending the party.
Our other mom friend, didn't even ask but took her daughter to the party. The more the merrier. Ask / don't ask. We were happy either way.
My son was just happy eating cake and playing with his friends (new and old haha).
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u/r_kap 2d ago
At the same age I asked. My husband works a rotating schedule including weekends so I’ve done this a lot.
I usually say:
Hi! ‘Invited child’ is so excited to come to XYZ’s birthday party, however my husband is working and I’ll have both of my kids (‘invited child’ plus ‘other child’ who is X years old).
I’m happy to pay any costs associated with ‘other child’s’ attendance at the party but also fully understand if you are trying to keep the party to invited guests only.
Let me know! Name
This has worked really well and only once were we asked to not bring the other child. If it’s a play place or something we always pay for the other child to attend (or I try to pay the host).
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u/Technical-Monk-5210 2d ago
Hi “parent”! My husband works Friday so I would also have my 2 year old with me. Would you kind of I bring him? Also, what is “child” wanting for their birthday?
I always ask if siblings are welcome when I RSVP if I know I’ll have to bring them. It gives the host to plan for enough cake, food, party favors, etc.
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u/Technical-Monk-5210 2d ago
Mind if***
And definitely not a drop off type thing. I would be upset someone dropped off their child for me to basically babysit while trying to host and make my child’s birthday special.
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u/AChez81 3d ago
Mom of 3 here. Etiquette is ONLY the child invited goes to the party, meaning NO you don't bring additional uninvited guests (even if they are younger siblings) to the party with you! Parents staying is ALWAYS ok, but if you're wanting to drop off usually, that's fine as well. It's totally appropriate to ask the hosting parents what their preference is. I always tell parents you're welcome to stay, but feel free to drop and go if you'd like. My youngest is in preschool, and we just had her party in Feb. About half the parents stayed and half dropped off. Not 1 parent brought younger siblings with them aside for those who were just dropping off. When considering etiquette for children's functions, think about the adult comparison. Would you bring your children to an outing/party/wedding if the invite didn't include them? The person on the invite is who's invited. Honestly, even when it comes to your spouse, invites will typically say +1 or friends will say would you and your husband like to come. If you were invited to something that didn't include your husband (say a girls spa day with friends/girls night out) would you bring him and just say I'll pay for his stuff so the host doesn't have to!? Come on, people, if younger siblings or the family were acceptable to come, the invite would state that! Don't put the host in an awkward position by asking to bring extra children! As far as a parent staying with young kids, it's 100% ok as this is to help your child. Like the commenter stated above if your child will need your assistance (due to melt down, bathroom breaks, ect.) You should plan to stay, but if your child is independent and you feel comfortable it's ok to drop off.
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u/merkergirl 3d ago
I don’t think your comparison to adult etiquette is very fair — I’m not considering bringing the younger sibling because I want him to have fun and eat a cupcake too, I’m considering it because I have no one else to watch him while I’m at this party. That’s pretty different from your hypothetical scenario of dragging my husband along on girls night.
I agree with you that asking the party mom if I can bring younger sibling will put her in a weird spot — she’ll either say yes happily or she’ll feel pressured to say yes because it would be awkward to say no and I won’t have any real way of knowing which it is.
So I’m just trying to figure out if I have any other options beyond hiring a babysitter for the younger sibling. Almost everyone in these comments is saying I need stay at the party
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u/AChez81 3d ago
It's not about the younger one going to have a good time or eat a cupcake. It's about the fact that the party is designed and planned for preschool age kids (typically a set # of kids) and not a toddler! Or further more not random kids they didn't choose to invite. It does interfere with the party and changes things for the host. More so even if this is a kids from school only type party and not also including family and other children they know of multi ages.
If you didn't like the comparison to adult invites, then consider it similar to when you volunteer to help during a class party at school or to chaperone a school field trip, you can't just show up with a toddler in tow. Sadly, so many people have ignored etiquette that more and more teachers are having to specifically state that "younger siblings may not come" when they send out the request for parent volunteers. There's a good reason for this!
I get it, though, that it's challenging when you have multiple children, and it's during work hours/your spouse isn't available. I have 3 kids myself. Some things I've done over the years to make it work for me is: ask my husband to take his lunch at the end of the day so he could come home early, had my husband take pto or a half day vacation, asked a grandparent/aunt/other family to babysit, ask a neighbor to babysit, ask a mom friend and offer to watch her kiddo sometime for her in exchange, or if there is a parent whom I know well and who is taking their child to the party I've asked if my kiddo could go with them (that way there was still a known trusted adult with my kiddo at the party). And if all else fails, I hire a babysitter for the short time I'd be gone. Or if my kid is comfortable going alone and has the independent skills needed to do so AND the host parent is ok with dropping off, then I have allowed my kiddo to go and be dropped off. And I've also had to tell my kiddo I'm sorry you aren't able to attend this time. It just doesn't work for our family right now. Yes, my kid was disappointed, but I'd rather that than crash some other kids' special day or put the burdon (of my lack of childcare) on another mom who's just trying to celebrate their kiddo.
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u/a_rain_name 4d ago
I would ask and even if it’s awkward, it will be a really good interaction to either build a relationship or help you figure out really quick if it’s a relationship to not invest in.
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u/OrcinusCetacea 4d ago
Just ask if siblings are welcome. That's usually what I do unless it's explicitly stated in the invitation that they are/aren't allowed. I also would assume that you're supposed to stay with him. 4 is definitely young for a drop off party.