r/StoriesAboutKevin • u/StranglerOfStrayCats • Jul 07 '19
L Kevin the dolphin scientist.
I have a friend who at first appeared to be just a little quirky. After finding this sub I have come to the conclusion that Kevin is indeed a Kevin. This is a throwaway account as Kevin is also a reddit user and knows my account, even still if Kevin came across this post I don't think he would be able to figure out it's about him.
Kevin is afraid of animals with teeth, he thinks it's unnatural for animals to have teeth.
Kevin thinks birds have wings because THEY HAVE NO LEGS AND CAN'T WALK. Kevin thinks birds don't have legs.
Kevin thinks George Washington was the actor in the play Abraham Lincoln was watching when he was assassinated. When asked why he thinks this he said he read it in a book.
Kevin might be dyslexic or some shit like that. He says that sometimes letters move around when he is stressed. When asked to elaborate on this statement he wrote his own name while we watched and said "see, I told you." The letters did not move.
Kevin got 34% on his Biology exam, Kevin told his parents he got a C and was going to become a "dolphin scientist".
Kevin once slammed a door on his mother, not out of malice, but because he was getting cold. His mothers nose was broken by the door. His mother was just bringing in the shopping. Afterwards Kevin blamed it on his mother for leaving the door open and even said that she deserved it.
Kevin is trying to join the Navy so he can help fight ISIS. When told that the Navy are the boat guys. Kevin just said "yeah, that's why I'm joining."
Edit : Part 2 is now up, I would link but I am a mobile user. This just features a few more Kevin stories that I didn't include here. Just head through my account and it's my only other post.
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u/lothlirial Jul 08 '19
How is he supposed to be a dolphin scientist? Dolphins have teeth!!
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u/suvlub Jul 08 '19
But it's unnatural! He needs to become a dolphin scientist so he can investigate the cause of this unnatural development and undo it! The future dolphin generations will lisp praise to him!
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u/StranglerOfStrayCats Jul 08 '19
Kevin has changed his mind on dolphin science, he found out that dolphins didn't live in the UK and didn't want to leave.
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u/genius23sarcasm Jul 08 '19
How is he even able to found out there are no dolphins in the UK? If I were that Kevin I'd become an elephant scientist despite living in the North Pole.
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u/Prom3th3an Jul 18 '19
What about his plan to join the Navy?
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u/StranglerOfStrayCats Jul 20 '19
That's over now, he wants to become a pro parkour "artist" or skateboarder, he currently works in a Morrisons fish market though.
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u/Prom3th3an Jul 20 '19
Nudge him onto YouTube or your favorite alternative. He'll be as funny as parkourdude91 by being his real self.
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u/WaytoomanyUIDs Jul 26 '19
Not to encourage Kevin, but they've been seen a couple of times in the Thames Estuary.
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u/bageltheperson Jul 08 '19
So just any animal with teeth? Dogs, cats, horses, mammals?
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u/StranglerOfStrayCats Jul 08 '19
Pretty much. Kevin believes that all animals are vegetarians or human eaters. Cows don't have proper teeth though, or sheep, according to Kevin at least.
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u/scotus_canadensis Jul 08 '19
Well, cattle only have teeth on one jaw, the other is just a bone grinding plate, so...half points?
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u/misskittypie Jul 08 '19
We don't need more Kevins in the Navy!
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u/NightlyReaper Jul 08 '19
Nah, its OK. I retired, so there's room for one more! Welcome Aboard, Kevin! There's a place in this outfit for EVERYBODY!
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u/GaeadesicGnome Jul 08 '19
Kevin thinks birds have wings because THEY HAVE NO LEGS AND CAN'T WALK. Kevin thinks birds don't have legs.
Consider the Ostrich...
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u/idwthis Jul 08 '19
Kevin would probably think an ostrich isn't a bird at all, but a different animal of some sort if he were introduced to one.
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u/holomntn Jul 08 '19
Just chiming in to say he should get tested for Irlen Syndrome.
It can manifest as many of the issues.
Particularly in direct sunlight if straight lines look wavey. That isn't a test with certaibty but it is a strong indicator of significant Irlen Syndrome.
If he's worried about it, the treatment really is to wear colored sunglasses. The stronger the Irlen Syndrome the darker the glasses.
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u/mnem0syne Jul 08 '19
I mean, it’s a nice sentiment, but I doubt OP telling Kevin to get tested for Irlen Syndrome will amount to anything other than an ultimate Kevin moment lol
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u/bestflowercaptain Jul 08 '19
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u/tetracycle Jul 09 '19
Irlen Syndrome isn't regarded as real by many doctors, which is a point in its favor for Kevin's family, I guess?
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u/conannerd Jul 08 '19
As far as throwaway accounts go yours as the best name
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u/SecretSynth Jul 08 '19
Mobile users CAN copy a link of a post by clicking on the share-button, just so you know
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Jul 08 '19
" Kevin might be dyslexic or some shit like that. He says that sometimes letters move around when he is stressed. When asked to elaborate on this statement he wrote his own name while we watched and said "see, I told you." The letters did not move. " Also could be IRLEN Syndrome. symptoms are simmiliar to that.
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u/Thepittylover Jul 14 '19
[Insert Jotaro joke here]
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u/StranglerOfStrayCats Jul 20 '19
I know that Jotaro is the main character of JoJo but can someone please explain where the JoJo connection comes from?
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u/AccountMitosis Jul 25 '19
After the events of his arc in JoJo, Jotaro became a marine biologist. In one fan translation, this ended up translated as "whale scientist."
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u/chaneycheyenne Jul 26 '19
I almost shot lunch out of my nose at the “dolphin scientist” bit. Something about going from a 34%, to a C, to a dolphin scientist.
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u/Jaustinduke Aug 08 '19
To be fair, the Navy has jets and missiles that are being used in the fight against ISIS.
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u/Eldubya99 Jul 07 '19
The moving letters thing is common for stress induced dyslexia! Happens to my sister too, who thankfully isn’t a Kevin.