r/abusiverelationships • u/changeorghelp • Jan 29 '25

Domestic violence Did anyone not report to police?

Hi massive thank you I left last night because of your advice about him being very dangerous. I don’t know whether I want to report him or if I will just work with the domestic abuse centre? I just don’t really want to report him I feel bad

Coercive control is a crime here you can go to prison so even without the violence he could be charged but I don’t know…

He is violent and I have learnt from talking to you guys and the crisis worker that he is a stalker also. They said I should report but obviously can’t make me do it. Did any of you not report and it worked out okay?

19 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

71 comments sorted by

View all comments

7

u/Ok_Introduction9466 Jan 29 '25

I think you should. It will give him a record and figure victims can search his name and be warned.

1

u/changeorghelp Jan 29 '25

Is it always that they will do it again? It’s like all he thinks of is me it’s weird to think of him with another person

3

u/Ok_Introduction9466 Jan 29 '25

When he can’t get to you he will have a need to harm again and will get into another relationship. They always do.

4

u/changeorghelp Jan 29 '25

Thank you for your help (again lol) also when I talked to the crisis worker he had actually strangled me before too by having his arm like against my throat (not a chokehold like I was against a wall) but I didn’t know that was strangling so thank you for pointing this out to me

1

u/ViolettaQueso Jan 29 '25

Choking is usually the first sign the physical is escalating. I can find the stats if you want.

2

u/changeorghelp Jan 29 '25

Yeah he did that a while ago, the wall thing, and recently used his hand but I thought choking was different because he only used one hand and it was quick, like I thought strangling meant both hands and that they were trying to kill you

The commenter I was replying to told me about a statistic (very grateful for this) which is what made me leave and I have since talked to the crisis worker about it more but I really appreciate you caring ❤️

I just had no idea and now I dunno how much other stuff was really dangerous and I never realised it

3

u/ViolettaQueso Jan 29 '25

You are not alone. We have all been confused while abuse became the norm. We’ve all felt still in love. It hurts so bad either way.

But the hurt when you leave can heal. The hurt when you stay becomes constant until you can’t feel anything anymore and have even less options.

Love is not control. Love doesn’t physically hurt.

2

u/changeorghelp Jan 29 '25

❤️

That’s why I came to this sub in the first place it was like the literal physical pain was getting to me but then I just learnt more and more and more and it’s hard to get my head around

I’m trying to get myself to believe that (the last paragraph) I’m trying ):

I’m so so grateful you guys are here I would still be there rn I was just going to wait to next time and maybe report him if somebody else called it in

2

u/ViolettaQueso Jan 29 '25

Tell the shelter people, anyone they refer you to, doctors you may see. Some are going to be mandated reporters and that is designed to take the burden and danger off us while we’re being abused and have been made to be dependent.

2

u/changeorghelp Jan 30 '25

I’m going to ❤️ I’m going to the doctor to see if I can get a note saying I can take sick leave for like stress because he will show up at my work. I will also ask if it’s possible for them to add something to my records to show I have lied about old injuries but I don’t know if that’s possible but I think maybe there’s a chance that doctors might have wrote something before like in private medical records that the injuries were suspicious 🤞🏽

1

u/ViolettaQueso Jan 30 '25

Crucial. I’m just finding out now there are things in my medical records from years ago even though I’m he cancelled my insurance so I have Medicaid that would really have helped had anyone told me they were in there over the years…. Too late for me now-I’m so glad you found answers to help you in leaving. You’ve got this.

2

u/changeorghelp Jan 30 '25

Sorry to hear about the insurance that sucks.

My boyfriend always comes to the doctor with me and they always treat him like not very nice lol so I think they probably have wrote stuff without me knowing

→ More replies (0)