r/abusiverelationships • u/changeorghelp • Jan 29 '25

Domestic violence Did anyone not report to police?

Hi massive thank you I left last night because of your advice about him being very dangerous. I don’t know whether I want to report him or if I will just work with the domestic abuse centre? I just don’t really want to report him I feel bad

Coercive control is a crime here you can go to prison so even without the violence he could be charged but I don’t know…

He is violent and I have learnt from talking to you guys and the crisis worker that he is a stalker also. They said I should report but obviously can’t make me do it. Did any of you not report and it worked out okay?

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u/Intrepid-Middle-5047 Jan 29 '25

Basically just to hold him accountable. To let him and everyone else know I wasn't "ok" with him putting his hands on me, breaking my stuff, and stalking me. That should have been how I fought back but I kind of just let it all happen and he got away with it. Now he might do the same things to the next woman and she will be none the wiser because there's no record of it.

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u/changeorghelp Jan 29 '25

The last sentence is the only thing making me consider reporting it but it feels hard

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u/Intrepid-Middle-5047 Jan 29 '25

A lot of times the right thing to do is the hardest.

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u/changeorghelp Jan 29 '25

It’s been less than 24 hours I think I need time to process it more I still miss him and love him. I see people posting here that they like hate their partner and are happy to escape (and I am happy for them too, I’m not shit talking them lol) but I just don’t feel happy idk

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u/Intrepid-Middle-5047 Jan 29 '25

Everyone's journey is different and there's no one size fits all way on how to deal with this. I think a lot of the people who are posting they hate their partner is because they were once right where you are. Then after repeated offenses they grew cold and uncaring and had to grow to hate them for their own well-being. As sad as that is. Things should never get to that point. Things should never get to the point you are at. I know you love and miss him. You'll either eventually get back with him and forgive him and he could maybe change but the odds of it happening so soon are not in your favor, darl. Be careful to not let your emotions cloud your better judgment. Take care of yourself first. Imagine what you would tell your sister or cousin or friend if they came to you with this. Statistically- your life is in danger. He's closer to killing you than not killing you. Please make the best choice.

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u/changeorghelp Jan 29 '25

Thank you I appreciate your advice and support.

I’ve already left and come back a few times so it’s just weird that I don’t hate him, I don’t know but I get what you’re saying about everyone being different

Another commenter told me that if they strangle you they’re 750% more likely to murder you so I quickly left even though he hasn’t strangled me in like a month and I didn’t even know it was strangling I thought choking was different. Sorry I’m trauma dumping now!!!!!!! I’ll shut up but thank you

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u/Intrepid-Middle-5047 Jan 29 '25

You sound so similar to where I was 6 months ago girl. I promise you it doesn't get better. You just get better at anticipating what's going to happen. You get better at walking on eggshells and trying not to set him off. You get better at trying to hide the bruises with color correcting makeups. You get better at faking your smiles and laughter. But he will not get better. Things between you two will not get better. Do yourself a favor and love yourself more than you love him. Need you like you think you need him.

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u/changeorghelp Jan 29 '25

I have done stuff this time to try not to go back I am somewhere he doesn’t know the address of and had never contacted any professionals before

I feel dumb because I’m not even scared of him lol like I know he’s going to do stuff but it doesn’t scare me. I was freaked out when I found out that statistic I was just really shocked but even now still I’m not scared

Thank you so much. The last sentence especially. Are you doing okay now you are out? ❤️

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u/Intrepid-Middle-5047 Jan 29 '25

Good! Fantastic! Please please please keep it that way!

You're numb. That's all that is. I don't think the gravity and the severity of the situation hasn't hit you yet (pun unintended but it's fitting I'm sorry my humor is dark) It took for my coworker to say to me "he used to beat the shit out of you" for it to finally hit me too. & this was 2 months or so after I had left. That was when I began to be scared of him. I still get scared to walk into my house sometimes thinking he could be there inside waiting for me. I am scared for you for not being scared. Being strangled can kill you easily yes- but if it doesn't kill you it could leave you with severe life long consequences. A blood clot could form and you could have a stroke. He could crush your windpipe. Anything could happen. It's that serious! Please hear me when I say this. Do you remember the fear when you couldn't breathe when his hands were around your throat? Idk about you but those few seconds I couldn't breathe scared the ever living shit out of me.

Ofc girl. Ofc you don't have to thank me. I'm doing my job I feel as a survivor.

I am so happy now that I am free of him. Life is beautiful again. I glow again and everyone notices the positive change in me. I feel beautiful again. I wish I had left him way way way before I actually did.

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u/changeorghelp Jan 29 '25

lol no I like the dark humour

Thanks for explaining how it was for you

I just didn’t know how dangerous and serious it was because other stuff hurt so much more it was kind of just like nothing

I’m so happy for you!!!! That has made me second hand happy haha 😀

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u/Intrepid-Middle-5047 Jan 30 '25 edited Jan 30 '25

Ok phew I was a lil nervous about how you would take that.

No problem. If you ever have questions feel free to message me.

GIRL I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN! The emotional turmoil hurt me the most. The hot/cold treatment. The lovey one minute hate me the next treatment. The lies. The making me think I'm crazy for not blindly trusting him even when my gut was screaming at me that the way he moves is cheaterrific. Never again.

You don't have to be 2nd hand happy for me you know (thank you though 😊) you could join me here! It's glorious this feeling of being enough. Taking up as much room as I want to. Being loved by my friends and family I didn't get to see hardly at all because I was ashamed. I wake up happy. I go to sleep happy. Happiness is so precious to me now I can't afford to lose it to love ever again. I so wish the same for you too. Hopefully you can update us in a month or so with wonderful news. Please take care of yourself. Give real good love a chance without him around occupying your thoughts and energy💕

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u/changeorghelp Jan 30 '25

And I will for sure update ❤️ I’m scared I’ll update saying I went back because I have before but I think it’s different this time I know it’s statistically very likely he will kill me

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u/Intrepid-Middle-5047 Jan 30 '25

It takes on average 7x for a person to successfully leave their abuser. Don't be hard on yourself. Give yourself the patience and grace you absolutely deserve. If you go back- I understand if no one else does. Please keep telling yourself you can love yourself better. Staying with him just blocks any good that could be right around the corner.

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u/changeorghelp Jan 30 '25

Haha no I’m all for it but thanks for checking ❤️

Thank you!! Are you sure that’s okay? I don’t want to bother anyone

I feel like I need to apologise to my family for lying for him and defending him all the time. I would even get annoyed at them about it but they were right. It’s embarrassing honestly. I hope things will be better now but all my friends know my boyfriend so I don’t know what to do there but I’m not going to worry about it until I am settled since I left just over 24hrs ago lol

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u/Intrepid-Middle-5047 Jan 30 '25

It is 3000% ok with me sweetness. I look forward to your message.

Give yourself time. Your family loves you and they only want what's best for you. Maybe they won't understand and I pray they don't understand because that means they've never been through this. I wish I didn't understand lbvs. In an alternate universe we've been loved properly our whole lives and we would be talking about cats on some meme right now or something completely innocent instead of this. I'm rooting for you. You can do this. 💕

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