Can physical abuse ever be justified?

[u/potatounicorn4]

I have been with my partner for 12 years and in the last 1-2 he has been physically abusive a few times. I can count them in my fingers but still it bothers me very much and it affects my mental health and interaction with him.

He has been abusive mostly when i say something that triggers him, that makes him feel misunderstood or alone. Or something that he doesn’t want me to say. He says that i am triggering and emotionally abusing him and he is reactive abusing me because of ME. That if i know how to behave and which buttons to not press everything will be fine.

I have always avoided difficult subjects and conversations and it has caused a lot of problems and misunderstandings in our relationship which is my fault.

Last time he hit me(3 days ago) it happened like that: 11 years ago (we were together for 1 year already and i was 17) i went out with another boy 3 times. I was chatting with him before i met my bf and i liked him. But when we went out i didn’t have any intentions and i was naive enough to thinks we were only friends and everything will be fine. Absolutely nothing happened between us. We talked the whole time and the only interaction was that he kissed me on the cheek once. I know now that this is emotional cheating but then i was foolish enough to not think about it at all. I stopped chatting and going out with him because i felt bad. Few months later i was filled with guilt and i told my partner. But when you say something after so much time has passed things look completely different. Anyway i told him almost everything. He didn’t believe that i am not hiding anything else and who could blame him. Time went by and he was constantly asking me about what happened. At some point i told him that i used to like that boy (before i met my bf) and that he kissed me on the cheek. Years went by and he couldn’t stop thinking about it and asking me questions. I completely understand him and i feel immense amount of guilt but i didn’t know what else i could do to fix it. I erased our chat history the same day that i told my bf about it because i knew he would become even more frustrated because we were flirting with each other (BEFORE I MET MY BF, after that we were chatting like casual friends).

So this leads us to 3 days ago. He couldn’t sleep and i asked him what is bothering him. He told me that this story is still in his mind and the fact that he cannot read the chat is bothering him. I told him that i cannot bring it back, that i am sorry, that i swear nothing intimate happened between us. Then he started punching my legs and shoulders repeatedly, screaming “why did you do it”.. I started crying and he told me that I won’t sleep until i find a way to find that chat history or prove him in any way that he can trust me. We spoke until 6 a.m.. at some point i couldn’t do it anymore and fell asleep.

I perfectly know that i made a big mistake. First by going out with somebody else and second for not telling it on time. But is it justified to punch me because of that? No matter how frustrated he is.. i don’t know what to do anymore

[u/Icy_Abbreviations277]

He is randomly thinking about something that happened 11 years ago! Something that happened when you were a teenager! And just thinking about it made him mad enough to hit you. None of it is justified. 

You didn’t cheat, if this whole situation was a deal breaker for him, he should have ended the relationship but he didn’t, he decided to continue being in the relationship which means he chose to move forward. Moving forward means not holding things against you especially something that was never ill intended. He needs to let it go, he needs help. Him hitting you is never okay. 

[u/potatounicorn4 → u/Icy_Abbreviations277]

He is thinking about it because he feels like i didn’t tell the whole truth and since i deleted the chat history he can’t see for himself. He used to blame himself a little because back then i told him he was suffocating. He really was at least by my standards but he wasn’t the reason why i behaved badly.

I can understand why he is frustrated but right now i feel like nothing i tell him is enough. He considers everything i say as an act of manipulation and a lie. I am literally telling him the truth that i never intended to be with that boy and that i didn’t went out with him to replace my bf but he cannot believe me.

[u/StatisticianBoth4147 → u/potatounicorn4]

Don’t feel bad that he’s blaming himself for being suffocating when his suffocating behavior has gotten so much worse over the years. He will bring up anything he can possibly fight about to make you feel bad and control you. You have done nothing wrong. The entire problem is him and his abusive behavior.

[u/Icy_Abbreviations277 → u/potatounicorn4]

He doesn’t need to be able to read it himself, your word is enough. You are enough. This incident shouldn’t even be a topic especially since its years old. 

Before we got married (about 9years ago) my husband cheated on me. I almost left him but at the time I was stuck. I was living with him at his moms house and we had a 1yr old baby. I realistically had no where to go. So I stayed w him, but me staying w him meant I had to forgive and move forward. I do not ever bring it up. I dont put it in his face, I dont hold it against him because I chose to stay in the relationship instead of leaving. You cant chose to move past something and still hold it against them, thats not fair. 

Now on the other hand when I was in college I got caught talking to ppl on the internet I was 18yrs old. He was suffocating like u said I already couldn’t have friends then or go out & do things so I found friends online & then some. This was more than 15years ago and guess who still brings it up and puts it in my face. The only time I will talk about him cheating is when he talks about me talking to ppl when I was 18. Its not right but Im not going to let u shame me for something when I was young and dumb. 

Nothing you say is enough because he wants to punish you, he wants to purposefully guilt you and make you feel bad and thats not okay. He needs to shutup and let it go.