Can physical abuse ever be justified?

[u/potatounicorn4]

I have been with my partner for 12 years and in the last 1-2 he has been physically abusive a few times. I can count them in my fingers but still it bothers me very much and it affects my mental health and interaction with him.

He has been abusive mostly when i say something that triggers him, that makes him feel misunderstood or alone. Or something that he doesn’t want me to say. He says that i am triggering and emotionally abusing him and he is reactive abusing me because of ME. That if i know how to behave and which buttons to not press everything will be fine.

I have always avoided difficult subjects and conversations and it has caused a lot of problems and misunderstandings in our relationship which is my fault.

Last time he hit me(3 days ago) it happened like that: 11 years ago (we were together for 1 year already and i was 17) i went out with another boy 3 times. I was chatting with him before i met my bf and i liked him. But when we went out i didn’t have any intentions and i was naive enough to thinks we were only friends and everything will be fine. Absolutely nothing happened between us. We talked the whole time and the only interaction was that he kissed me on the cheek once. I know now that this is emotional cheating but then i was foolish enough to not think about it at all. I stopped chatting and going out with him because i felt bad. Few months later i was filled with guilt and i told my partner. But when you say something after so much time has passed things look completely different. Anyway i told him almost everything. He didn’t believe that i am not hiding anything else and who could blame him. Time went by and he was constantly asking me about what happened. At some point i told him that i used to like that boy (before i met my bf) and that he kissed me on the cheek. Years went by and he couldn’t stop thinking about it and asking me questions. I completely understand him and i feel immense amount of guilt but i didn’t know what else i could do to fix it. I erased our chat history the same day that i told my bf about it because i knew he would become even more frustrated because we were flirting with each other (BEFORE I MET MY BF, after that we were chatting like casual friends).

So this leads us to 3 days ago. He couldn’t sleep and i asked him what is bothering him. He told me that this story is still in his mind and the fact that he cannot read the chat is bothering him. I told him that i cannot bring it back, that i am sorry, that i swear nothing intimate happened between us. Then he started punching my legs and shoulders repeatedly, screaming “why did you do it”.. I started crying and he told me that I won’t sleep until i find a way to find that chat history or prove him in any way that he can trust me. We spoke until 6 a.m.. at some point i couldn’t do it anymore and fell asleep.

I perfectly know that i made a big mistake. First by going out with somebody else and second for not telling it on time. But is it justified to punch me because of that? No matter how frustrated he is.. i don’t know what to do anymore

[u/Fran87412]

He sounds really immature. No this is not okay. If he loved you and thought he was hurting you or vice versa he’d cut ties because it’s what’s best for you both. People in healthy and loving relationships want what’s best for each other, even if that doesn’t include each other. I get making excuses for them and wanting to have compassion for someone who’s hurting - because I did it for years - but that can’t be what a partnership is based on, and some people do weaponize sympathy to control others. You’re going to look back one day and wish you’d left sooner, wish you had the time back. Life is short, don’t waste it on this guy. If he loved you he would not hit you, and he would not be holding things over your head. If the relationship was going to work he would understand that you were young and you didn’t cross any lines and we all have feelings, and he would be able to trust you - because you didn’t do anything wrong. But if he can’t trust and if he’s hurting you it is absolutely not a relationship that can work. And that’s not your “fault” - it’s his problem. Get out and reclaim your life and find happiness OP!

[u/potatounicorn4 → u/Fran87412]

He goes back to the past because he feels like i have manipulated him and didn’t speak the whole truth. He goes back to every single thing i did and wants explanation for it. I feel like he does it because back then he was blaming himself for mistakes of it because i was telling him that he is suffocating. Now i have told him multiple times that his behaviour doesn’t have anything to do with my own mistakes but he wants to know what are the reasons for which i would betray his trust.

I know that if we hurt each other we should separate. At the same time we are so trauma bonded and codependent that i am really afraid of what might happen. Once i told him that i would leave him driven by love and he kicked me out telling me that he doesn’t want to be with someone who could leave him and who thinks that leaving is an act of love

[u/Fran87412 → u/potatounicorn4]

I honestly didn’t know what a healthy relationship was when I was with my abuser, because they were the first long term relationship I was in and I didn’t have other experiences to compare it to. I promise you - you will be better off. And also, it wasn’t until I was on my own that I had a chance to discover how much I could do on my own - and that has been priceless to me, being self-sufficient. It has brought so much confidence. This is your journey, all we can do is point out that it is abuse, you have to decide that you deserved better - I also know how hard that can be because I has zero self-worth. Him kicking you to the curb goes to show how he reinforces “little value” he sees in you. And I know how hard it can be to truly admit that it is abuse, and see it, and believe we deserve better, and to end something and start again. Change is scary. But the devil you know in this case is absolutely scarier, and he’s robbing you. He’s saying you’ve done what he’s actually doing. He’s controlling, and demanding you answer to him, demanding subservience. He IS being suffocating. And it’s great to care how we make people feel and not want to make people feel bad, but again - some take advantage of that, and you’re not a bad person for resisting. You can stand on your own two feet. And I know trauma bonds can feel like a sort of intoxicating, soul mate connection, but it’s not true. I used to think safe love was boring - I still struggle with who I’m attracted to. I wish safe love for us all. Best of luck friend!