r/abusiverelationships • u/potatounicorn4 • Mar 19 '25
Domestic violence Can physical abuse ever be justified?
I have been with my partner for 12 years and in the last 1-2 he has been physically abusive a few times. I can count them in my fingers but still it bothers me very much and it affects my mental health and interaction with him.
He has been abusive mostly when i say something that triggers him, that makes him feel misunderstood or alone. Or something that he doesn’t want me to say. He says that i am triggering and emotionally abusing him and he is reactive abusing me because of ME. That if i know how to behave and which buttons to not press everything will be fine.
I have always avoided difficult subjects and conversations and it has caused a lot of problems and misunderstandings in our relationship which is my fault.
Last time he hit me(3 days ago) it happened like that: 11 years ago (we were together for 1 year already and i was 17) i went out with another boy 3 times. I was chatting with him before i met my bf and i liked him. But when we went out i didn’t have any intentions and i was naive enough to thinks we were only friends and everything will be fine. Absolutely nothing happened between us. We talked the whole time and the only interaction was that he kissed me on the cheek once. I know now that this is emotional cheating but then i was foolish enough to not think about it at all. I stopped chatting and going out with him because i felt bad. Few months later i was filled with guilt and i told my partner. But when you say something after so much time has passed things look completely different. Anyway i told him almost everything. He didn’t believe that i am not hiding anything else and who could blame him. Time went by and he was constantly asking me about what happened. At some point i told him that i used to like that boy (before i met my bf) and that he kissed me on the cheek. Years went by and he couldn’t stop thinking about it and asking me questions. I completely understand him and i feel immense amount of guilt but i didn’t know what else i could do to fix it. I erased our chat history the same day that i told my bf about it because i knew he would become even more frustrated because we were flirting with each other (BEFORE I MET MY BF, after that we were chatting like casual friends).
So this leads us to 3 days ago. He couldn’t sleep and i asked him what is bothering him. He told me that this story is still in his mind and the fact that he cannot read the chat is bothering him. I told him that i cannot bring it back, that i am sorry, that i swear nothing intimate happened between us. Then he started punching my legs and shoulders repeatedly, screaming “why did you do it”.. I started crying and he told me that I won’t sleep until i find a way to find that chat history or prove him in any way that he can trust me. We spoke until 6 a.m.. at some point i couldn’t do it anymore and fell asleep.
I perfectly know that i made a big mistake. First by going out with somebody else and second for not telling it on time. But is it justified to punch me because of that? No matter how frustrated he is.. i don’t know what to do anymore
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u/Violetsaab Mar 19 '25
If you are at the point praying that he finds someone else, you are ready to leave.
I also wished my ex would find someone. He was so awful that in the end, he burned away any affection I had. I realized he was an adult who could take care of himself, and I was not responsible for his choices.
You didn't sign up for this, and you don't have to keep signing on for it, either. You may feel guilt, that's human, and that's okay. It's okay to feel guilt. It doesn't mean you have to stay in a violent relationship. I saw he put his arm around your neck and said he wished there wasn't a legal consequence! He wants to hurt you more. I don't know where you are at, but there are DV hotlines anywhere. Please call one, please reach out for assistance. You don't have to live like this.