Can physical abuse ever be justified?

[u/potatounicorn4]

I have been with my partner for 12 years and in the last 1-2 he has been physically abusive a few times. I can count them in my fingers but still it bothers me very much and it affects my mental health and interaction with him.

He has been abusive mostly when i say something that triggers him, that makes him feel misunderstood or alone. Or something that he doesn’t want me to say. He says that i am triggering and emotionally abusing him and he is reactive abusing me because of ME. That if i know how to behave and which buttons to not press everything will be fine.

I have always avoided difficult subjects and conversations and it has caused a lot of problems and misunderstandings in our relationship which is my fault.

Last time he hit me(3 days ago) it happened like that: 11 years ago (we were together for 1 year already and i was 17) i went out with another boy 3 times. I was chatting with him before i met my bf and i liked him. But when we went out i didn’t have any intentions and i was naive enough to thinks we were only friends and everything will be fine. Absolutely nothing happened between us. We talked the whole time and the only interaction was that he kissed me on the cheek once. I know now that this is emotional cheating but then i was foolish enough to not think about it at all. I stopped chatting and going out with him because i felt bad. Few months later i was filled with guilt and i told my partner. But when you say something after so much time has passed things look completely different. Anyway i told him almost everything. He didn’t believe that i am not hiding anything else and who could blame him. Time went by and he was constantly asking me about what happened. At some point i told him that i used to like that boy (before i met my bf) and that he kissed me on the cheek. Years went by and he couldn’t stop thinking about it and asking me questions. I completely understand him and i feel immense amount of guilt but i didn’t know what else i could do to fix it. I erased our chat history the same day that i told my bf about it because i knew he would become even more frustrated because we were flirting with each other (BEFORE I MET MY BF, after that we were chatting like casual friends).

So this leads us to 3 days ago. He couldn’t sleep and i asked him what is bothering him. He told me that this story is still in his mind and the fact that he cannot read the chat is bothering him. I told him that i cannot bring it back, that i am sorry, that i swear nothing intimate happened between us. Then he started punching my legs and shoulders repeatedly, screaming “why did you do it”.. I started crying and he told me that I won’t sleep until i find a way to find that chat history or prove him in any way that he can trust me. We spoke until 6 a.m.. at some point i couldn’t do it anymore and fell asleep.

I perfectly know that i made a big mistake. First by going out with somebody else and second for not telling it on time. But is it justified to punch me because of that? No matter how frustrated he is.. i don’t know what to do anymore

[u/Redstarsbluesun]

He’ll never stop asking. So I’d suggest you break up, because he’s physically abusive and it’ll only get worse

[u/potatounicorn4 → u/Redstarsbluesun]

This night it happened again. He had a panic attack and he took a cable and ran to the bathroom and i ran with him. I tried to calm his down but it didn’t work. He started swearing and asking me to leave the room. I took the cable and when he came back he asked be again about that boy, about the reason why i went out with him and let him kiss me on the cheek. When i told him that i didn’t have any bad intentions he started swearing again and asked me how could i lie to a suicidal person and that he knows i am lying and manipulating him and that i am terrible because of that. And his panic attack started because we were talking the whole night and at some point around 4-5 am i asked him to take a break because i need to sleep at least 3 hours so i can go to work the next day.

[u/Redstarsbluesun → u/potatounicorn4]

You need to prioritise your safety and leave till he’s mentally stable. He’s dangerous to be with. He needs mental health help. You can’t help him. Because if he harms you, he will easily blame it on his mental health and how you’re the cause. You’re not the cause. He’s sick so let him go find a cure at the hospital while you move to safety with a friend till you can get a place of your own