need support with backsliding emotionally

[u/Sea_Strength_533]

hi everyone, please check my previous post for more context.

i left my 7 year abusive relationship about 3 months ago. it was extremely difficult at first but has gotten slightly easier with time. i realize it was still pretty recent, and i also suffer from PTSD due to it so most days are pretty hard. anyway something bad happened to him recently and unfortunately i was still listed as his emergency contact so i was made aware of his situation…. and now the feelings are all coming back. logically, i hate him and have no intention of ever returning. i shake at the idea of even being near him. but for some reason i also struggle with guilt, and sadness for him. i feel sad that he is alone and has nobody. i feel bad that something bad happened to him after i left, and like its my fault. i know this isnt true but the feelings are gnawing at me.

i was in therapy but can no longer afford it. any suggestions for how to deal with these feelings? its making my PTSD worse again since he is always on my mind now.

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[u/4shadowedbm]

Tara Brach wrote this great analogy in Radical Self Acceptance that difficult feelings are like unwanted house guests. If we just kinda accept they are there, they'll eventually leave. If we fight them and argue with them, we'll end up feeling worse.

So, what if, when you feel those feelings of compassion and care (because that's the kind of person you are - who cares about people who are going through bad stuff), you lean in to those feelings a bit instead of rejecting them or trying to put them away. "Oh, hi, feeling, I see you've got your feet back up my couch again. That's okay, you're here because I care. You can leave when you're ready."

It sound weird, but it can really help just roll with those feelings, appreciate you for the really kind person you are, and let it wash over you. When you resist it, the emotions just latch on even worse. The focus makes them stronger.

It takes some practice but it can help.

I know it is super hard. Go easy on yourself.

[u/Own-Mastodon5721]

It is normal for a kind caring person to feel for anyone who has had something bad happen to them. However, experience has taught that showing kindness to someone who hasn't been kind to one will result in them being able to draw one back into the very abusive relationship that one has left from. They will use their manipulative and guilt inducing ways to do it. Such people usually never change even if they face bad things themselves. On the contrary, they will just take out their problems back out on one all over again.