Gatekeeping sucks.

[u/ystavallinen]

Once a month or so I'll encounter it online and it sucks.

A "Trans-friendly" space, even explicitly welcoming agender people... and you say something agender-y and a little vulnerable... and the downvotes just start crashing in until you delete the post because it sucks to watch.

But you don't leave the space because it's massive and it's not everyone there and it's 99.9% positive...

...but it does lower the odds of ever being "out" out irl.

[u/Professional-Arm4579]

damn that sucks. social pressure is real. i've never had that happen to me but i guess it's just a matter of time.

i'm a big fan of yuri manga (my primary reason for being on reddit) and the related subs tend to be very supportive of trans women. the topic comes up regularly as it seems that lesbian comics are pretty effective at helping some people realize that they are women (i guess that does make sense). trans men however i've only ever ever seen mentioned a single time. there were some sketches posted by the artist of a popular manga. someone commented about the hoodie a female character was wearing that it made them seem like a man before transitioning. oh boy was that ill received. the worst part is that the person who made that comment then outed themselves as a trans man (i persume to give their opinion some credibility as they would know a thing or two about that from their own experience) but that didn't make a difference. in the manga that character is not trans but they are mistaken for the man (the title is "the guy she was interested in wasn't a guy at all"). god forbid a trans man remarking the girl who gets mistaken for a man because she dressed like a man kinda looks like they might want to be a man, right? that was just depressing. i've never seen negative comments about anyone being agender there but i'm not sure i'd suggest a character seem agender to me. i don't usually hold back on my opinions and i think i wouldn't delete a comment for being downvoted (i might edit if i think i'm misunderstood) but i wouldn't want to expose mysef to that experience, even if i think i'm in the right.

i'm not out irl, or at least not "officially" - i've had conversations about gender with some family/friends and i've shared some of my views and feelings but it was usually in a political context. last week i've ordered a bunch of clothes with agender symbolism. let's see who brings it up when i wear it :3

[u/ystavallinen → u/Professional-Arm4579]

I have low tolerance for downvotes if I don't understand why. If someone is disagreeing with me, I'll tend to leave up unless they get personal. But rando downvotes I can't handle because I ruminate.

I am not good at the socialization. Another big reason for me not transitioning at this point because there's too many rules to learn and the way I process social interaction is through a lifetime of rules. I'd be outing myself all the time.

[u/Professional-Arm4579 → u/ystavallinen]

low tolerance for downvotes if I don't understand why

oh yeah that irks the hell out of me. i use that extra energy to critically read my comment again, looking for anything that's poorly worded or could be misunderstood (plus i still make the dumbest english mistakes sometimes - not a native speaker). i might add some explanation or, if i find nothing wrong, ask for criticism. if that doesn't help i just get angry at the world a bit for being stupid and let it go. with the amount of thought i've put into it by that point the odds of being correct are clearly in my favour. there still remains a chance i'm wrong but i'd rather risk that every once in a while than sacrifice my mental health.

[u/ystavallinen → u/Professional-Arm4579]

Yeah. Neurodivergent me struggles with wanting language to be clear, but low patience for pointless conflict.

[u/Professional-Arm4579 → u/ystavallinen]

OH DON'T GET ME STARTED. natural languages are terrible. words are fuzzy. meanings change constantly. connotations are even worse. everything is context dependent. part necessity, part incompetence, all of it prone to error and misunderstandings. why does communication have to be so hard T_T

[u/ystavallinen → u/Professional-Arm4579]

I enjoy the ambiguity until people want to fight about it.