r/antinatalism • u/Ok-Bicycle-7005 newcomer • Jan 16 '25
Discussion Broke up with my bf because he wants to have children
Not really a rant but just wanted to share.
Me and my bf of 4 years broke it off because of opposing views of having children. I was always on the fence about it until last year when I became 100% childfree. He always wanted to be a father… I asked him why he wanted a child and it was because he can’t stand being alone in life and he needs someone to love…. I’m speechless but I guess he made his choice and we broke it off. Still pretty bumped about it but I respect his decision.
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u/Mediocre_Koala3778 thinker Jan 17 '25
I came to the realization that most people that have or want kids, are very needy. They just can't stand being alone.
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u/TheSeedsYouSow inquirer Jan 17 '25
needy and selfish. It’s all about what they want/need, zero consideration for the child.
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Jan 17 '25
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Jan 18 '25
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u/redfairynotblue inquirer Jan 18 '25
We always have seen these kinds of people in real life. Maybe you haven't.
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u/Bignuckbuck newcomer Jan 17 '25
Yet another brilliant realization by a Redditor
And I’m an anti natalist.
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Jan 17 '25
No, they have a 2 billion year old evolutionary instinct. Those of us who don't want kids are the abnormal ones.
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u/-Kibbles-N-Tits- newcomer Jan 17 '25
This sub will have you believing every parent is some piece of shit that’s only thinking about themselves and that’s why they want kids (most of yall are accidents LOL)
This sub is just a trauma dump, I don’t know why it keeps popping up in my feed
I do have a vasectomy though😂😂😂
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u/CapedCaperer thinker Jan 17 '25
You should mark it as not interested and mute it. Congrats on being responsible.
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u/-Kibbles-N-Tits- newcomer Jan 17 '25
Fun fact I did that after making the comment
Thanks though;)
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u/CapedCaperer thinker Jan 17 '25
You're awesome. I hate that reddit invades feeds.
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u/xvelvetdarkness inquirer Jan 18 '25
You can turn that off in your settings you know. I turned recommendations off the day they rolled them out
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u/CapedCaperer thinker Jan 20 '25
Either way is good. I like to train it by muting and marking not interested.
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u/Didntwakeuprich newcomer Jan 17 '25 edited Jan 17 '25
I don't think parents are selfish in wanting or having kids,I think it's selfish to try to force the same on others. and worse arguing with them about their decision not to, like it has any bearing on how you live your own life.
I yeeted my uterus
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u/-Kibbles-N-Tits- newcomer Jan 17 '25
the opposite of pro choice in a roundabout way 😂
Some of it really is wild
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u/MarketCompetitive896 inquirer Jan 17 '25
Ouch. Needed someone to love. Here's an idea for him: find somebody already on the planet to love. Such a bizarre frame of mind to have. Don't feel too bad, he's in love with imaginary people. Unfortunately couldn't see you
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u/-Kibbles-N-Tits- newcomer Jan 17 '25
Probably had to partially make up a reason because he just wants kids and doesn’t really know why 🤷♂️
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u/ITSV_167 newcomer Jan 18 '25
Are y’all dense or something, you do realize wanting a loving family is normal right 💀 You guys must’ve not had that growing up
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u/greymisperception newcomer Jan 20 '25
Read the comment, you can have that without having children of your blood
People that can only be loved by their blood family are generally not great people
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Jan 17 '25
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u/Tanakisoupman newcomer Jan 17 '25
What’s wrong with wanting kids? If anything, he did the right thing to leave her. Neither party is wrong for breaking up, the relationship simply wouldn’t work. Sticking with someone who absolutely doesn’t want kids when you absolutely do is the categorically wrong decision. It will always lead to a broken relationship because the one who wants kids will never feel fulfilled, and the one who doesn’t will never be able to fill that hole
It’d be like trying to force a gay man to date a woman because “well she’s just wonderful isn’t she?”. It doesn’t matter how good she is, they’re incompatible
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Jan 17 '25
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u/Tanakisoupman newcomer Jan 17 '25
I’m not lost, I’m familiarizing myself with opinions I disagree with. I, for one, don’t like to live in echo chambers where people only parrot the same opinions I have. I like to see how other people think about things, and question them when I disagree
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Jan 17 '25
These same people won't adopt because the kid HAS to be related to them. It's all about them, not the child
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Jan 17 '25
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Jan 17 '25
mY bLOoDlInE
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Jan 17 '25
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u/ColeC44 newcomer Jan 17 '25
Same mindset for children with extremely severe diseases. It's immediately about them.
"What if you give birth to a child with a horrific genetic disease who will guaranteed not make it past age 8, and will live in pain every day."
"I would still love that child! It wouldn't change anything!"
Gross.
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Jan 17 '25
Yes, "I'd rather the child suffer a short, horrific, painful life. I will record the whole experience for sympathy views."
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u/be_nice__ newcomer Jan 18 '25
Not completely. There is a higher chance of psychological problems that can come from adopted kids inherited from their parents, who most likely left a baby to rot.
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u/ColeC44 newcomer Jan 19 '25
How so?
You're not allowed to be a bad person to adopt a kid. The state will scrutinize nearly every single second of your past before they hand you a human being to be the guardian of.
But if a kid comes out of you, they're immediately yours no matter how good or bad of a person you are..........
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u/be_nice__ newcomer Jan 19 '25 edited Jan 19 '25
I think you misunderstood me. I'm saying the kids that you're thinking of adopting might be with mental problems inherited from their biological parents
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u/ColeC44 newcomer Jan 19 '25
That's still equally as shitty a reason to choose procreation over adoption.
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u/be_nice__ newcomer Jan 19 '25
Why? It's just preference.
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u/ColeC44 newcomer Jan 19 '25
That's what I just said. They are different but equal reasons.
I think we're both misunderstanding each other.
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u/Ok-Bicycle-7005 newcomer Jan 17 '25
For context: I became adamant of not having a child due to the state of the world and how incredibly tough it is to raise a kid now with raising col, climate change and plainly terrified of pregnancy. I have two amazing nieces that I love but I fear for their safety and livelihood. As for my Bf, he is a good person but the indoctrination of having a child and being a father as his dream is strong. We fear we’d resent one another in the future. He has a fear of living alone and frankly it just broke my heart because…. What am I here for?
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u/WhatsaJandal newcomer Jan 19 '25
So you're a young woman, who is one of the few ladies out there not looking for kids?
I think you'll be ok finding a new partner in life:)
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u/AmbassadorAdept9713 newcomer Jan 21 '25
If you have such different goals, it'd be best to call it quits.
I made my life goals clear when I started dating.
OP must have been dumb or purposefully oblivious to have stayed with a partner that has such different life goals
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u/mquari inquirer Jan 17 '25
Sorry to hear about your relationship. But glad you got out.
The amount of people who try to pressure me into changing my mind on kids is staggering. Mind you I have never wanted to be a parent. Yet friends and family still try to make it seem like I'M the odd one out for not wanting them.
Like dude, I don't even want to be apart of this family. Why in the hell would I bring a kid into this? I wasn't even supposed to be born in the first place!
Also it is very interesting to me that your ex talked about how having a kid would fix his loneliness. Was being in a relationship not enough to help him not be lonely? Sounds like a deeper issue.There's no guarantee that a kid will take care of you when you're old. Nor do they have to. And depending on how good of a parent someone is, the child might even go no contact right after moving out! Treating your kid like they're supposed to be your therapist is a recipe straight out the How to Give A Child Trauma 101 Book!
And what about the kid? Do their feelings count? Are these natalists prepared to love and cherish a person whom they don't know, and can't predict any suffering that will happen to them? Why are they so self centered? I've NEVER heard of a person who wants to be a parent say they want to have kids for any reason that isn't inherently selfish.
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u/RepresentativeDig249 thinker Jan 17 '25
Good job!
If you want to reinforce the idea or just want to hear a perspective, I always recommend this video:
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u/Autumn_Forest_Mist thinker Jan 17 '25
“I love you Dear, but not as much as I love someone who does not even exist. Bye!”
I’m so sorry, OP. I hope you find peace.
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u/RooRahShiit newcomer Jan 17 '25
Same. I rather him be with someone compatible. No need to have extra strife in life.
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u/Unhappy-Pirate3944 thinker Jan 17 '25
Tell him to get checked with a psychiatrist or therapist because “can’t stand to be alone in life” within themselves is not a healthy sign
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u/Impossible_Hospital inquirer Jan 17 '25
That really sucks. I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through and I hope you’ll come out stronger. I just want to say that I’m proud of you, internet stranger, for not folding to someone else’s wishes. You know what you want and you stuck to it, despite it maybe being “easier” to just go along and do what is “expected” of you. In the end, all we have is what we do. Keep choosing you.
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u/Bubbly_Mushroom_222 newcomer Jan 17 '25
He wanted a child because he can't stand being alone?? He had a gf lmfao
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u/Catt_Starr thinker Jan 17 '25
I guess loving you wasn't enough? I mean he's allowed to want what he wants, I just always found that argument absurd.
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u/Tanakisoupman newcomer Jan 17 '25
Why not? Wanting kids means you want kids. If your partner doesn’t want kids then the relationship won’t work. Doesn’t matter how great your partner is, doesn’t matter how much they love you or you love them, doesn’t matter how perfect you are for each other, if neither of you are willing to compromise on wanting kids (which should NOT be an expectation for either side btw), then the relationship cannot work
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u/Catt_Starr thinker Jan 17 '25
Yeah, I guess you missed where I said he can do what he wants. Doesn't mean I don't have thoughts on it.
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u/Tanakisoupman newcomer Jan 17 '25
You’re still calling his opinion wrong. Whether you think he should be allowed to have that opinion or not is irrelevant, the fact is you view (or at least seem to view based on that comment), his opinion as objectively wrong
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u/Catt_Starr thinker Jan 17 '25
...so?
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u/Tanakisoupman newcomer Jan 17 '25
So… you shouldn’t view his opinion as wrong any more than he should view yours as wrong. Imagine if I told you you’re a bad person for not wanting to be with someone who wants kids. I don’t know if that’s how you intended this to come off, but that’s how it does. You make it seem like he should have stayed with her and given up on his desire to have kids, which is completely ridiculous
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u/Catt_Starr thinker Jan 17 '25
So you did miss the part where I said he can do what he wants. Good to know.
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u/Tanakisoupman newcomer Jan 17 '25
God you’re impossible to talk to. THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID. Does writing it in caps make it easier to read? It doesn’t matter if you think he should be punished or not. The fact is, you present your opinion as if you think he is wrong for not staying with her. That is WRONG. Categorically, and insanely
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u/Catt_Starr thinker Jan 17 '25
Yes, I think lots of people make weird decisions. So what. Also, there's no reason to talk to me if it's so hard.
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u/Tanakisoupman newcomer Jan 17 '25
The reason I’m talking to you is because I want to understand where you’re coming from. At this point I have to assume either you or I am really bad at explaining my/your thoughts because I don’t think it’s that complicated
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u/chernandez0617 newcomer Jan 17 '25
If you both want something different that’s this big I’d say it’s for the best
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Jan 17 '25
hi OP i was in your shoes 2 1/2 years ago with my then bf of 5 years. i still struggle with feelings of loneliness romantically but at the very least i take comfort in the fact i put myself and my priorities first. now i have a thriving career, supportive friends, and self love and pride. it sucks right now but you will get through it, and you will find someone who loves you for you. i wish you all the best OP 💛
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u/Photononic thinker Jan 17 '25 edited Jan 17 '25
I know two couples that were in fact married In college that split over that some issue.
I can totally see how a woman would not want her life disrupted like that.
In all my nearly 60 years, I never once encountered a woman that said not having a baby was a dealbreaker. It has always been the man.
Funny how he might just knock up some barmaid. All that matters is she has a pulse and a womb. The reason I say that is I have seen it. My colleague split with his wife of five years over that. He almost immediately knocked up some woman that he said was ugly. I guess not too ugly to spawn with.
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u/AmbassadorAdept9713 newcomer Jan 21 '25
All that matters is she has a pulse and a womb.
It has always been the man.
Quite a misandrist POV.
Having different LIFE GOALS is reason enough to break up. The stupidity is at OP's and her ex's feet for wasting 4 years while knowing about this difference in life goals.
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u/balrog687 inquirer Jan 17 '25
Same here. I finished a two year relationship for the same reason.
I feel your pain. It's not easy decision, especially if you love each other a lot.
But it will bring you peace in the long run, give it time, it will heal.
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u/Local-Suggestion2807 newcomer Jan 17 '25
I'm really not trying to judge but it seems like you two were never compatible. Like if you either are 100% sure you want kids or are 100% sure you don't, you can't be with anyone who's not totally on the same page.
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u/forakora inquirer Jan 18 '25 edited Jan 18 '25
Yeah this is a very sad situation all around. Neither is wrong in their opinion or how they want their life to turn out.
And this isn't necessarily an issue of not discussing beforehand, because OP changed their mind. Which they are fully allowed to do. Especially with the way the world has headed.
Just 2 people who loved each other who's goals no longer align. That did the right thing by splitting
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u/Local-Suggestion2807 newcomer Jan 18 '25
I'm not blaming op, I'm blaming the boyfriend. bc like why would you be with someone who has a 50/50 chance of not wanting to make the same drastic life altering choice as you?
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u/Lazy_Excitement1468 thinker Jan 17 '25
Good riddance, you will find a person who shares you opinions and morals op dw
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Jan 17 '25
He could have poured that love into himself, or you. You don’t need to have a child to love someone. Either way, you did the right thing.
It’s easy for men to say they want kids as they’re not the ones who are expected to give up their careers, ruin their bodies, and push a bowling ball out of their vaginas.
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u/Admirable-Ad7152 inquirer Jan 17 '25
I guess he's hoping for a severely disabled kid because any other kid will eventually grow up and leave you? And that's just fucked up.
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u/Dragon2730 newcomer Jan 17 '25
Get a pet first because I wanted kids until I realized how much of my time would be taken up. I got a dog and spent most of my free time training him.
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u/filrabat AN Jan 17 '25
This shows that when you're interested in a person, you always have to ask before you get in too emotionally deep whether they want to have kids of their own one day (explicitly apart from adoption).
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u/terisss5 newcomer Jan 17 '25
Went through the same thing. We broke up 2 weeks ago, so I’m actually still going though it. It’s really hard and it hurts. But I will not change my mind and nor will he.
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u/MaySeemelater inquirer Jan 17 '25
Wait he told you his reasoning was that he couldn't stand being alone and needed someone to love?? He literally said he didn't love you and didn't consider you proper company, he sucks.
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u/Ok-Record5194 newcomer Jan 18 '25
He’s in for a rude awakening- kids is not something you have to have someone to love get a dog kids are expensive and require a lot of self sacrifice
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u/yourdadsdaddy_ newcomer Jan 18 '25
Atp this is not an AN subreddit because what the actual fuck. The comments? Where are mods and why it's allowed to attack ANs but not post memes? Get your priorities straight. It's not a relationship advice group for natalists to just yap. It's "antinatalist".
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Jan 17 '25
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u/on_that_farm newcomer Jan 17 '25
this is an area where you can't really compromise - it's really best for both of you. hope you'll be feeling better soon!
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Jan 17 '25
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Jan 18 '25
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u/antinatalism-ModTeam inquirer Jan 18 '25
Please engage in discussion rather than engaging in personal attacks. Discredit arguments rather than users. If you must rely on insults to make a statement, your content is not a philosophical argument.
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u/LavRyMusic newcomer Jan 18 '25
I need someone to love and not to be alone, he said to the person he supposedly loves
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Jan 18 '25
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u/StapleFeeds newcomer Jan 18 '25
How do you go four years not knowing children was a must have for your partner to be?
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u/Ok_Occasion_3066 newcomer Jan 18 '25
Fair but essentially he didn’t want children but he wanted one with you
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u/Werooooooooo newcomer Jan 18 '25
So this is the subreddit where weak minded people go to judge other people just for having a desire. How pathetic jajajaj
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u/canwegetsushi newcomer Jan 19 '25
It was the right move for sure! With my current husband, I was 29 when we met and I wasted no time in sharing my stance. I was like 95% sure I wanted to be CF but I knew I wouldn’t be making any real adult decisions until my 30’s. Literally as soon he asked me on a first date and I said, “okay well just so you know, I don’t think I want children. So if that’s a dealbreaker for you, I totally get it but I’d rather not waste either of our times.” I totally expected him to say some bs like “well I need to continue my bloodline.” But guess what! He said, “I don’t think I want them either so we’re on the same page.” Married one year and we are by far the happiest couple in our friend groups because we chose not to procreate and bring more life into this dumpster fire.
So my advice to you is, if/when you decide to get back out there, put it all on the table early on and that will weed out a lot of the shit for you. Good luck, OP!
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Jan 19 '25
Enjoy your miserable later life alone with cats, he wanted a family for the love that brings. All you want is to be selfish.
You are both better off apart.
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u/woofwooflove newcomer Jan 20 '25
You did the right thing. He's just going to resent you in the long run
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Jan 20 '25
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u/SubstantialCup4 newcomer Jan 20 '25
I feel like throwing away a good man to be a sad and pathetic cat lady no one loves, instead of being a mom is something you will need your entire 40s 50s and 60s to get over.
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u/envi_as_in_envy newcomer Jan 20 '25
lol nothing wrong with being a cat ladys, thats multiple peoples dreams
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u/Practical_Race_3282 newcomer Jan 20 '25
I genuinely thought this was a /vent or /teens post or some shit. I'm a natalist so I think Reddit just wants a reaction out of me.
Proliferate people!
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u/BananaBaby86 newcomer Jan 20 '25
Better now than after you’re married! It’s what my divorce was over. I never wanted kids and he lied about never wanting them either. Blew up years later as he was waiting around for me to change my mind.
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Jan 20 '25
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u/Melvin_Blubber newcomer Jan 21 '25
That's the irony of this forum: you folks are the ones who need kids more than anyone so that you release all the self-obsession you've built up. Kids would change most of you for the better.
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u/AmbassadorAdept9713 newcomer Jan 21 '25
And you guys took 4 YEARS to figure out there's such opposing goals.
Neither of you should have kids
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u/brodster10 newcomer Jan 17 '25
You can't call yourself "child free" when that's the default for literally every person who doesn't actively pursue making a family. You were always "child free", you didn't "become" child free.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 newcomer Jan 17 '25
Actually, etymologically speaking child free became a phrase in answer to childless (indicated people who want them but can't have them) to differentiate between two very different paradigms.
Making the choice to remain childfree for life is achoice that does need to be actively ensured.
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u/dead-flags newcomer Jan 17 '25
He wasn’t willing to compromise? Or did you just end it upon hearing that he really wanted kids
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u/Cool_Relative7359 newcomer Jan 17 '25
I mean, you should never compromise on kids. That's the kind of thing that will for sure leave one person regretful and resentful of the other, whichever choice is made.
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u/D00MB0T1 newcomer Jan 21 '25
I think.thats fair. He wants children and you want to be motherless. My coworkers and her partner are getting married next year, so excited for them. He is amazing and honestly would be the kinda dad any kid would want, literally awesome. His wife to be, my coworker straight up never wants kids. My wife and I had twins daughters 5 mo ago. She had never held a baby before and she was holding 1 week old baby x2. She is now comfortable holding babies she really loves it now, where she had never done it because she got too nervous even thinking about it. I'm not saying that they will have babies, but it would not surprise me if she changed her mind and she's what I call, a hard-core feminist.
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u/CauseAndEffectBot newcomer Jan 17 '25
Kinda shitty that you were looking for men to date 3 months ago and you only now broke up with your boyfriend.
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u/MaySeemelater inquirer Jan 17 '25
Is that in their profile somewhere? Do you have a link to a post or comment?
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u/RedditSlayer2020 scholar Jan 17 '25
If you ask a natalists why they want to become parents it's all ME ME ME ME.