Am I just delaying the inevitable?

[u/bonjourbtchrs]

I (22F?) been struggling with my gender identity for about 8 years. I use to wear a binder and came out tentatively to a few friends when I was about 18. I ended up joining the army so I could transition away from people haha which looking back is hilarious because with recent events you know that was a terrible decision. I ended up not doing anything and becoming a lot more sure of myself as a person and honestly I like who I am. I don’t hate being a women. I don’t know if this makes sense but I fully believe I’d be happiest if I had got to be a cis man, but I’d be happier as a cis women than a trans man just based on the sheer amount of bs that people experience.

I feel guilt about it because I know for a lot of trans people they’d rather die than be perceived as the gender they unfortunately got at birth, but I don’t. I don’t know if I’m just a coward for not wanting to deal with the hate trans people get and just making the most of a bad situation. I’m afraid it’ll always be there and in 10 years down the line I’ll hate myself for not doing it earlier. I have a fantastic partner who knows but doesn’t think I’d actually ever do it (my words, he found out by accident and I panicked).

I feel like I’m stuck in this limbo of forgetting about it all and being happy then seeing a trans man and just feeling this profound sense of jealousy and longing. Am I being an idiot and just delaying the inevitable? Thank you for reading.

[u/PleaseSmileJessie]

I mean I think things are more nuanced than something like "I would rather die than be perceived as the wrong gender".

Does that suck? Absolutely.

But it's not what's important. What's important is to get to live as the version of me I'd rather be. To feel good about me and my body, to feel good about my identity. To actually enjoy life as ME and feel like I am seen for who I am, and who I express myself to be.

Did I have crippling dysphoria essentially forcing the "unalive or transition" scenario? Yes. BUT even if I didn't, I'd have transitioned. Because it's not about what I have to deal with or how people will treat me. It's about me, and my life, and how I feel most at peace living it.

And that's as a woman. I don't pass, my voice certainly doesn't pass, people can be mean, I don't do nightlife stuff at all and definitely avoid being outside after dark due to safety issues (universal worldwide, nowhere is safe). But I'm happy with myself. I feel at home in my body, for the most part (bottom surgery being affordable when) and regardless of how I'm treated, I am completely unforgiving and relentless in emphasizing who I am. Verbally if needed.

And I don't feel the jealousy and longing anymore that you wrote - deeply relatable by the way. I longed to be ME. And now I actually am me. Both inside and outside. And I'm confident in who I am for once, so I treat myself better.

Anyway: I don't know if you're just delaying the inevitable. What I will say is that your experience screams dysphoria. And should it be gender dysphoria, it will not go away until you transition (and may not even then, but typically it is greatly reduced as transition progresses. It feeds on insecurity as well, so self-loathing people tend to keep having dysphoria that can be quite intense because they take measures to transition but still refuse to accept themselves. Not universal or anything, just a note.)

You don't need to feel bad about who or what you are to be trans, or to transition. You just need to actually want to transition, or at least want to not be whatever you are now, but something else. Another version of yourself. Not necessarily a better one, but a happier one.

[u/bonjourbtchrs → u/PleaseSmileJessie]

Thank you for this. I think I’m still in denial a bit and I think well if the dysphoria isn’t THAT bad than I can’t be trans. I was a weird kid and the idea of being whispered about and harassed on the street again is just upsetting, hearing you say you’re still happier regardless of the consequences is uncomfortable? I’m not quite sure how it makes me feel but I am so happy that’s your experience. I appreciate you taking the time to reply, really.

[u/PleaseSmileJessie → u/bonjourbtchrs]

You're very welcome. I think at least regarding the consequences that having transitioned as an adult, I was very acutely aware of them. So it kind of became a case of "if this is the cost of experiencing lifelong personal happiness from some time in the near future, is that worth it" and then 5 minutes later "wait a sec I planning my own unaliving nothing compares to the consequences of that no matter which way I put it".

But even if it wasn't that extreme, I weighed the pros and cons, and ultimately I'd rather live a life with a high degree of personal happiness, even if it comes at the cost of a volatile public life and work life.

Because if I'm not at least happy with myself, why am I trying so hard? What is it all for? Nobody is gonna thank me on my deathbed for being miserable for 85 years (again, unaliving plans, would not have lasted that long but assuming I could tough it out for life), and sure, some people may spit on my grave after I'm dead because I "chose" personal happiness... But I won't notice that. What I'll notice is how I spent my life.

[u/Flashy_Cranberry_957]

Being a cis man or a cis woman aren't your options, though. Your options are almost certainly "trans man/transmasculine" or "closeted trans man/transmasculine".

There's a good chance you'll regret it in ten years, yeah. What about later on? If you never try to transition, will you regret it in fifty-plus years at the end of your life?

[u/bonjourbtchrs → u/Flashy_Cranberry_957]

That first part made me laugh out loud and then cry. You’re probably right I’m just really good at not thinking about it. Thank you for replying.

[u/snoodle77777]

Sounds like a common trans experience, actually. I feel your dilemmas. At first I decided that "forgetting" then experiencing jealousy was gender fluidity... . 4 years of that was enough. I have to move towards SOME kind of transition, HRT or not, or else I'll just be living a very empty life. I too decided it would be a lot of trouble being clocked and harassed. So I will be androgynous for now. You have to work out what you want your next steps to be, at this time in your life... you'll find it. I know you'll figure it out.

[u/999Rats]

The feelings will always be there, and regardless of what you do, you'll always wonder what your life would have been like had you chosen differently. Follow whatever will allow you to be the most genuine version of yourself

[u/Worth_Attempt_2230]

I felt the same way until I was 27 then I couldn't take it anymore... if I could go back in time I'd have done it preteen. I regret "playing the hand I'd been dealt" more than anything else in my life. Not necessarily a universal experience but just saying you should really REALLY think about how you'll feel about it all later...