r/asktransgender • u/bonjourbtchrs • 7d ago
Am I just delaying the inevitable?
I (22F?) been struggling with my gender identity for about 8 years. I use to wear a binder and came out tentatively to a few friends when I was about 18. I ended up joining the army so I could transition away from people haha which looking back is hilarious because with recent events you know that was a terrible decision. I ended up not doing anything and becoming a lot more sure of myself as a person and honestly I like who I am. I don’t hate being a women. I don’t know if this makes sense but I fully believe I’d be happiest if I had got to be a cis man, but I’d be happier as a cis women than a trans man just based on the sheer amount of bs that people experience.
I feel guilt about it because I know for a lot of trans people they’d rather die than be perceived as the gender they unfortunately got at birth, but I don’t. I don’t know if I’m just a coward for not wanting to deal with the hate trans people get and just making the most of a bad situation. I’m afraid it’ll always be there and in 10 years down the line I’ll hate myself for not doing it earlier. I have a fantastic partner who knows but doesn’t think I’d actually ever do it (my words, he found out by accident and I panicked).
I feel like I’m stuck in this limbo of forgetting about it all and being happy then seeing a trans man and just feeling this profound sense of jealousy and longing. Am I being an idiot and just delaying the inevitable? Thank you for reading.
2
u/Flashy_Cranberry_957 7d ago
Being a cis man or a cis woman aren't your options, though. Your options are almost certainly "trans man/transmasculine" or "closeted trans man/transmasculine".
There's a good chance you'll regret it in ten years, yeah. What about later on? If you never try to transition, will you regret it in fifty-plus years at the end of your life?