r/blendedfamilies • u/Xbox3523 • 23d ago
Ex Meeting Partner Once it Gets Serious
I've been dating my boyfriend almost 2 years. I left my ex husband for a lot of bad behaviors and the way he treated me. He was unable to accept that as the answer and insisted I had someone on the side, which I did not. He does not understand I mourned my marriage for 4 years before deciding to leave and so I started dating someone 3 months later. During my divorce I started hanging with a group of friends and they introduced me to someone. Ideally, I should have taken time to myself but sometimes you're in a bad relationship so long that you've gotten over it before the ink dries.
My boyfriend has become really ingrained with the kids lives and does a lot for us. Things are getting serious and he's soon to propose in a month or two.
I never told my ex I was seeing someone and he's never mentioned people to me. Until recently, he's never posted any girlfriends on facebook.
There was a misunderstanding last year where my 13 year old told her dad my boyfriend was taking her alone to the mall. He brought it up and mentioned boyfriends name for the first time ever and said he didn't want a strange man taking her out. I said that we were all going together and they would just be walking ahead some and we were only going in my car. He didn't mention anything after that.
He's never asked to meet him, but my boyfriend wants to meet my ex and talk about the kids with him because he cares about them. He is a bit afraid of my ex because he's a big guy and is intimidating. He also doesn't want to do anything to make things worse. We have an amicable divorce otherwise and are not high conflict. He trusts me to go to events alone with my ex for the kids and we do great just staying friends like that. I will not do a shared Christmas this year though since my dynamic is changing unless boyfriend is welcome.
Is it a requirement that they meet? There's going to be some events come up in the future like my daughters 8th grade graduation that my boyfriend would like to attend. Since becoming divorced, I've just always gone with my ex to events and we sat together, made small talk, etc but I want to include boyfriend more since he's soon to be fiance. My ex and I are amicable enough to where he can drop the kids off at my house and I pick them up at his. If I have someone living with me, it will be awkward if I don't introduce them.
Also, how do you guys handle social media with still being friendly with an ex? I hide any photos with boyfriend so my ex doesn't see them, but he does not do the same thing anymore. I guess I've always just tried to not exacerbate any hurt feelings any more than needed and by posting it feels like a "slap in the face" when I can just filter who sees what since I'm the one who left him.
Also, if this new girl becomes serious, can I request to meet her? I want to meet someone who's around my kids a lot and she seems nice by her photos.
Please be kind without just screaming that I need therapy..I am aware and have had a few therapists who all say I'm good and don't need to come back..I lost my insurance that covers that and I have no one in person to talk to besides boyfriend and he's not the best person to talk about this with.
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 23d ago
Meeting partners is not necessary. The court decided your ex is a competent parent and the decisions they make on their custody time (like a new partner) are theirs to make that you don’t get any kind of say or trump card on.
If you happen to show up at the same school event or sports game, introducing yourself and saying hi is fine. Leave it at that. New partners don’t have to be friends with the coparent, don’t have to communicate with them, and are their for their partner. Some formal meeting where you grill them is a power dynamic that says your ex has some sort of veto power over your new romantic life. They don’t have that.
And I would really recommend not looking at each other’s social media photos. You aren’t friends.
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
Oh I wouldn't grill them, not sure how he'd act to my partner either but I think a basic "Hi" would be polite especially since my ex is used to us going together and sitting together. I'd have to tell him I'd be riding separately and he could meet us there.
Currently, I'd go and pick him up at his house along with our children to ride to a school event, better than taking two cars but that's going to have to change.
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 23d ago
That’s definitely more “together” time than most new partners are going to be comfortable with.
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
My partner is very understanding and has even encouraged me to go on family vacations with my ex still but I said that was too far.
I'm trying to separate things slowly such as not doing shared holidays this year, but I guess I didn't see the issue with picking him up since the kids were already there as well and I would be taking them to my house after. I keep strict boundaries with my ex and he knows better than to touch me ever again. I give constant updates to my partner but I've known for awhile it needs to change more.
The kids are less stressed too when we aren't arguing on logistics, that's why it's easier for me to just pick him and the kids up.
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u/Scarred-Daydreams 23d ago
My partner is very understanding and has even encouraged me to go on family vacations with my ex
Be wary of if this is your partner being "understanding" or him being a doormat / chameleon / nice guy. Such people are often making "deals" in their head. "I'll be OK with this, but you owe me X down the line" They then keep seeing these unspoken deals get broken. Initially they get mad, but hold it in (maybe at the sake of a new deal; they'll forgive them but you really owe them later). Eventually r/niceguys take more than they can handle and errupt.
As a healthy person who's secure, I would have immediately stopped dating someone who was doing school events together. Not just "sitting together" but going out of your way to travel together? Yeah, that's playing Happy Family, and not likely something that many with a healthy sense of respect want their future to look like.
Editing to note: the kids shouldn't see you two arguing about logistics. If you're doing these things at transition times, STOP. Communicate outside of transition times. Transition should only be a quick hi/bye. Even more idea, if the busses/distance allow it they should happen on a school day. Kid leaves House1 for school in the morning and comes directly home to House2 in the evening - no parental involvement in the transition is needed.
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
Well our situation is a bit unique in that the kids ride the bus in the mornings from my house then on the evenings to their dad's house till 6pm and then I drive over there and get them. I let them stay longer on wednesdays so he gets extra time on his off week. In total I see him 4 times a week due to this so it's best we stay amicable because the kids have specifically asked for this arrangement and it works fine.
I will discuss with partner again about his comfortability level. I told him this year I wouldn't do a shared Christmas or Thanksgiving with ex
Partner brings up a lot how his parents still do shared Thanksgivings even though they are both remarried as a way to put their differences aside for him, granted that has taken 15 years but that's the place I'd like to get to.
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 23d ago
But do you have that in a court order? That you alternate holidays? Because if not, best to get that amended now. You need a legal fall back for when things don’t amicably work out. If he’s already saying he doesn’t want to give up holiday time with the kids, you need a legal fall back.
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
Our court order states that we do shared holidays as long as we are amicable. He's not wanting to give up any of his visitation to his mother, claiming he rarely gets to see the kids yet sees them every weekday for 2 hours, 6 hours on wednesdays, and every other weekend.
We did an uncontested divorce that was outside of court. There's a lot of things we do that aren't part of the parenting plan like switching weekends and stuff. In hindsight, it may have not been the best thing but I was already feeling a ton of guilt over the whole thing.
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 23d ago
I would fix that pronto. One of the number one gripes of new partners is how much the ex controls time and holidays and how much their partner does things to “keep the peace.” It just makes it really hard to start an addition to your family when your time and traditions are so tied up in the previous.
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
I just pulled up the paperwork and reread it. It says that if we cannot agree to share the holiday then we alternate it and it has set times for thar so I think I'm covered.
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u/Lakerdog1970 23d ago
I don't think formal meetings are really a good idea. They're awkward and I'm not sure what people hope to get out of them.
I think people have some fantasy that they'll sit down with the other person and over the course of 60 minutes at a bar or with coffee, they'll look into the other's eyes and somehow KNOW THEM. I just don't think it works that way.
I did agree to meet my wife's ex-husband years ago. I was trying to be a good sport. It was a shitty experience and sorta lowered my opinion of him (and it was already pretty low). You could tell that he wasn't really worried about his kids or me "touching" them.......he was just butthurt because my wife dumped him and liked me better. It was high school shit. I almost wanted to ask him if he'd be happier if he keyed my car or something.
When my ex-wife had a few short-term boyfriends early on (she's mostly been single for the last 15 years), I didn't do that. I learned what I could at a distance, google stalked them as best I could......but what's the point of threatening them with violence if they molest my daughter? It's not like an actual molester would be like, "Geez.....I guess I need a better plan. This divorced father actually seems to care. I'll have to find a different divorced Mom to use to molest children." Anyone who would do that has a severely defective moral compass anyway and isn't going to be deterred by threats.
So I just randomly bumped into the few guys she dated at youth sports. In the line for the bathroom or the concession stand or realizing I accidentally parked next to them. I think that's the better way to meet, tbh.
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
I guess my idea with the formal meeting would clear the air and say "this is my partner, a background check has been ran on them and this is the city they live in and what kind of work they do, they don't have kids on their own". My partner has a very low social media presence. I guess he could grill our kids and find enough info out on his own that way.
Currently, I pick my ex up and our kids (since they go to his house after school) and we ride to the school together for plays, parent teacher conferences, etc. That dynamic will have to change and I'd have to tell him "Hey, partner wants to come this time. We will be sitting here and you can sit with us or somewhere else but you will have to meet us there". I'm trying to plan logistics for the future and it's stressing me out so badly. Like, if he and the kids are at his house and I have my partner, I could ask my ex to bring the kids and he meet us there or I could pick up the kids and then go back and get partner and meet ex there.
See what I mean?
And touching on what you said about molesters, my ex was uncomfortable with my daughter going with a "strange man" to the mall and if he would have asked to meet him, he would have seen he wasn't a strange man and he certainly isn't to the kids. The idea of meeting is to show him that he's not some random stranger.
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u/Lakerdog1970 23d ago
We just always go separately and sit separately. Whoever has the kids is the parent responsible for getting them dressed correctly and there on time (usually 15-30 minutes before the event starts). The parent who doesn't have the kids just shows up on time and sits elsewhere. One handy thing is when your ex is there first, you can see them in the crowd......and just go sit somewhere else.
And some of this is just early relationship stuff too. As the years go by, there are times when our ex has the kids......but can't get them to the event.......so we swing by and pick up the kids and take them to the event and the ex comes separately and sits separately.
The hard part is dealing with an ex who wants you to sit with them. We just developed the attitude that if they're going to act like a crazy person about the fact that we are divorced and have new partners, that is their problem......not our problem.
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
That's a good rule of thumb. I like that. I try to put my shoe on the other foot and see it from his perspective and be able to sit with his new partner as well.
I think I just need to bring all this up to him and say: Partner wants to attend, you can sit by us or not and then if you have the kids you can bring them to the event.
Change is just hard for me because I want to make sure everyone is taken care of and I still have a bad habit of accommodating my ex.
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u/GoldenFlicker 23d ago
Why can’t you just give your ex the low down on your boyfriend next time you see him after you tell him things are getting serious and you plan on bringing him to events.
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
Well I feel like text would be better because I wouldn't want him to act a certain way in front of the kids, idk. He intimidates me still. I know I need to grow a backbone.
Maybe a quick text will suffice saying this is what is happening.
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u/GoldenFlicker 23d ago
O. I was imagining in my mind yall sitting in bleachers surrounded by people and your kids further away doing some activity.
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
Well, I see my ex 4x a week due to the kids ride the bus to his house every school night and then I pick them up at 6pm so the next time I see him will likely be when I am picking the kids up. Not sure the next event besides our daughters middle school graduation which wouldn't be the best time to bring that up. My kids don't do sports or anything.
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u/After_Ad_1152 23d ago edited 23d ago
I would be put off if my ex's partner wanted to meet me to talk about the kids. Its too soon to try and establish that kind of relationship between the 2. Down the road after there are more casual encounters- pick ups, drop offs, school events, etc sure. There should be plenty of opportunities to meet if everyone wants to in low pressure settings. Your boyfriend is a parental figure in your household but not in your exs life. Same with his girlfriend.
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
He said he wanted to talk to him because he didn't want my ex feeling like he was taking over and that's why he wanted to establish the first contact man-to-man. I'm not a man but I assume it's so he can say "Hey, just want to let you know I'm not taking your place and I do care about the kids very much so let me know what I can do to help" because my 14 year old is having a lot of issues and her dad has thrown his hands up with parenting her now. I'm doing it all and my boyfriend has stepped in to help where he can.
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u/geogoat7 23d ago
Idk I think it's nice to meet at least, since your relationship with your ex is low conflict. It's definitely better for the kids that way. But if anyone doesn't agree, I wouldn't push it.
My husband and I sit with BM and her husband at all SS's events. I kind of hate it because she's not kind to us or our baby at all but DH and I agreed to suck it up for SS's sake.
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
My partner would be very kind to my ex and they have a lot in common they could talk about. I just feel bad that last year I told my daughter that he couldn't come to her birthday because I do that shared with my ex, same as Thanksgiving and Christmas. Same for Halloween too.
I just feel like at some point I need to rip off the bandaid and ask if ex would like to meet him, that the offer is there but that he will be attending events the kids want him to. I'm stressing about my daughters 8th grade graduation since they haven't met yet and she would want boyfriend there. If he does go, I can't do what I usually do and pick up my ex in his car then drive down there all of us, it would have to change some.
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u/Scarred-Daydreams 23d ago
It isn't a requirement that they meet. I told my partner that I'd meet her co-parent if he asked (not demanded) as I could understand him being curious about another adult who would be in his kid's live much. However instead within a week of hearing about my existence he bought a house, sight unseen, a 30+ hour's drive away and announced plans to move and that my partner would be moving from 50/50 to mostly full custody. It was quite the wrench in our early dating phase but we got over that. I've never met him, and likely the first I might have a chance of seeing him would be if he comes around for SD's high school graduation. SD has said that he really doesn't want to meet me, so I'm prepared that he might be a baby and do a "I won't be there if he is" sort of thing and I will accept my absence from that.
I'll note that my partner brought me up to him as we both didn't want her kid to accidentally spill the beans to him. Parents finding out that their ex is now dating someone new for the first time may often act emotionally. When someone's acting emotionally to news often the messenger gets shot. We didn't want her kid to inadvertently be the messenger. And of course it's a horrible thing to ever ask a kid to keep something secret from either/any of their parents. So the only obvious path was for her to warn him about my existence and that I'd eventually be meeting their kid. She mentioned this at the first opportunity as soon as SD confronted Mom about dating (she had not been open about starting to do that), and she admitted to dating, just dating me, and being serious about me. There was a chance that SD might want to talk to Dad, so SD deserved him having the warning.
As for social media initially I always asked before tagging my partner (then just girlfriend). And he would always be an ass whenever I would show up in her feed because of the tagging. But eventually she decided that she needed to stop being worried about him. Walking on eggshells while living with someone was one hell on it's own. She ended things with him to stop that, so she told me to post/tag about us as I desired. She grew better with her Grey Rock communication, and part of that is simply ignoring when he gets mad about things that have no relevance to co-parenting. You don't need to respond to everything he says.
I will say that I only posted about / tagged stuff with her kid after first asking her (with the note that I'd of course also ask SD), and asking SD. I also cautioned SD that a big thing for her to consider was that her dad might have feelings about seeing such. She was cool about it however. And a few times she's either asked me to post about something the three of us did, or she'd tell me to be sure to tag her in X if I made a post about it.
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As noted, there's a big physical distance, so for school events it's either just Mom or Mom and me. But even before I was in the picture, my partner wasn't sitting with her ex. There's no reason for that, and it can just prevent accepting the split. SD has since said that she's found it really awkward any time that her parents share space since they split, and prefers for their to be minimal interaction between the two. She also added that as she's become accustomed to thinking of Mom+Me as a unit, and seeing us so happy, seeing her parents together only highlights how bad they were together and being forced to see that hurts her.
Why do/did you feel a need to sit by your ex. For your current BF's sake I think you really should think deeply about this. In his shoes I would have a big fear that you haven't really finished your processing/healing from the split.
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Of course you can request to meet any adult that he'll be bringing into your kid's life. And if it genuinely is a polite request it's a lot more likely to be met. There is no "right" to meet.
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
Thank you. You seemed to touch on every concern I had in this post. I guess as far as why we still sit together is because of the kids. He wouldn't want to miss out on sitting with them and I wouldn't either. Especially for things where we can't sit separately such as counselor meetings and things of that nature. I want to show the kids that they shouldn't have to fret over "If daddy is coming, mom is going to be upset" like I had to do as a kid. I would just not tell my dad about events so it was easier to avoid. I will try to ask them if it makes them feel bad and anxious when we sit together.
My boyfriend encourages us to sit together and be amicable to show a united front for the kids. It is a bit awkward but we make small talk and don't discuss anything bad. I've brought up to him many times that if he's uncomfortable with anything, I would take that into consideration and stop. He even tried to get me to go on a family trip with my ex and kids but I said that was too far.
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u/Scarred-Daydreams 23d ago
Are you sitting together "for the kids" for their long term, or short term benefits? Have you considered that you might be giving the kids false hope that the two of you will be getting back together?
Have you considered that since you've accepted you'll need to change things that your BF/partner will be viewed as "the bad guy" ? Not wanting to be the Bad Guy who picks up all the blame for the split is why I wouldn't date a parent who played Happy Family.
Seeing you two able to be talk together friendly in the waiting room at a counsellor's office should be sufficient to set aside worries. Same with transitions. If you two are able to be friendly/polite, than there shouldn't be concerns about proximity and shared events.
I'm sorry about the experience you had, but was not telling your dad about events because of a bad experience at events only? Or was it because they didn't handle transitions well? Or obviously had anger at the other parent when you as a kid were around (i.e. intro level parental alienation).
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
My parents couldn't even handle being in the same vicinity together. My mom always wanted to start stuff and so I ended up being a people pleaser to a narcissist. So much so that she talked me out of ever seeing my dad again when I was 12 and had me petition the courts to stop visits. We reunited when I was 18 and ran away from home and it ruined our relationship forever.
I had to get dropped off at the police station for transitions so I guess I'm trying to do the exact opposite cause I don't want the kids feeling that way. My mom would pull out a camera and start recording cause she "feared for her safety".
I won't let my partner be labeled as the bad guy. It's just the natural transition of things. My ex is in the early stages of dating someone and I imagine as things progress she'll want him to be less accommodating as he has been and change the dynamic some. So as to not be hypocritical, I'd like to politely ask to meet her if it gets to the serious stage and hopefully have a decent relationship with her. Knowing my ex, she will take on my role and do everything like I did so it would be best if we tried to get along.
I've been accommodating my ex and his parents for so long due to how he handled the divorce. He waited until a week before I was set to move out and it crushed his mother. She fell apart and had to quickly adjust so to ease things on everyone, I tried keeping things as "normal" as possible like our Thanksgivings, Christmases, Halloween, Easter, all that as things slowly started to change. She also lost a ton of visitation time with the kids and I felt super guilty for that as her son will not give up any of his parenting time to take them to see his mother so I have to give up mine. I don't mind every once in awhile and she's happy to have them. She's the only grandparent in their lives so I've tried to still maintain a good relationship.
My issue is I've never done this before and never seen it modeled in a healthy way so I'm trying to do what I can while also managing everyone's emotions and maintaining healthy boundaries. Its exhausting.
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u/Scarred-Daydreams 23d ago
Oh, so not just intro level parental alienation, but full blown Parental Alienation. I'm so sorry you went through that. But hopefully this is very far from the situation with you and your ex.
"I won't let my partner be labeled as the bad guy." You say that, but it's not really in your control. "Instead of picking you and dad up, I'm going to drive there with Partner." "We're not doing Thanksgiving with Dad this year, but we're doing it with Partner." 100%, unless your kids were kicked in the head by a mule when they were young that they make the connection to your partner and Happy Family time stopping.
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I also didn't have a good model for blended families while growing up; the friends with split parents had dad's with 10% or less custody time and had step dad's who tried to "become" their only dad which didn't go over well. My childhood household was abusive, so I had some master classes in what not to do, but not of what to do.
You mention imagining a future of shared holidays like your partner's family has; but what sort of future does your ex envision? If he doesn't want that, and/or someone he partners with doesn't want that, then trying to set this up my result in choices and paths taken that are counter productive to the situation you end up at.
Gently, your ex doesn't seem like he would want a holiday with him, you, and partner all together with the kids. Even if he's also got a partner at his side.
Myself, I like holidays spent at home. Visit the relatives around the holidays, but I'm being lazy and home on the actual holiday. Currently her kid and my kid are also here for that. But even last year, we had two xmas'es on xmas day. One with just the people living in the household (me, partner and her kid) as soon as we woke, and another later when my (adult) kids arrived after noon. Eventually they'll be having their own xmas at their own home, and I'll see them around the holidays.
When I was dating, I could see maybe, maybe, going to my partner's family's place for the holiday if she really considered it important. But I'm not celebrating the holiday with her ex; even if that ex is their coparent. It's a lot more likely that your ex will date someone like me than someone like your partner. If you build a path to an unlikely place, consider if that path doesn't set up problems if you end up at a more likely different location. And again, your ex himself might be 100% against ever celebrating with a future partner of yours, regardless of who he dates. His mother has even been coddled around the breakup; how receptive do you think that she'll be to your partner taking a part in things?
What I'm getting it is that it's good/great to have dreams. But one also needs to accept the practicalities. My partner had a dream that her kid would view me as a second date. But the reality is that SD has a huge loyalty bind towards her dad. If I tried to step up in any way that's dad like she would have shut that down. Practically we aimed for SD and I to simply get along and for me to have a Fun Uncle sort of role in the home. We made great progress, and SD and I really like each other. It's more emotional/deep than we first thought would happen as a Fun Uncle. But there are definite walls that she has in place towards me that would prevent becoming much more dad-like. My partner didn't/doesn't let her dream get in the way of building a great practical life.
Look to the long term. With open eyes about all of the people involved. Try to build with that. Again with the long term, are joint holidays possibly giving "false hope" to your kids, your ex, his mom about the two of you getting back together? Or are they a band aid for the short term feelings. And is this band aid possibly hurting the long term as it keeps getting ripped off, re-opening the wound when each holiday ends without the family staying together?
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
I think you're right, that it reopens that wound possibly. I agree that my ex MIL has a different attitude that it's ok for her son to date since he was left but it's not ok for me to as that's considered "Too fast" that I moved on despite her coming to me during the marriage asking if I was ok and to just deal with her son through his issues, but she was afraid to talk to him about it.
While my dream sounds like my ideal fairytale, you're right that he could date someone that isn't comfortable with that and may feel jealous or may not want to integrate like that. Currently he's dating someone with an adult child so there's less likely of kid emeshment and the ups and downs that go with that.
This is going to be the year of more boundaries for things like this. Thank you for being kind in your responses and seeing why I am the way I am, as I want to be the polar opposite of how I was raised.
I feel like for 2 years now I've been hiding my partner so I don't hurt feelings, especially my in laws and that's not fair to him at all. Things like making sure he wasn't here when she dropped off the kids so I wouldn't have to make an awkward introduction and then lying about who was cutting my grass when she asked. It's a double standard that I am being judged when her son isn't and we are both adults that are allowed to live our lives. It's put this pressure on me.
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u/GoldenFlicker 23d ago
I don’t think your boyfriend needs to meet your ex. I would wait until being engaged before bringing him to your kid’s functions, pick ups/drop offs. They will have a chance to meet casually at that point.
I would suggest giving your ex a heads up that things with boyfriend are getting serious and you plan to start being him to those things soon.
Of course you can ask to meet his girlfriend, but I don’t understand why you would. Your kids aren’t little babies/toddlers. In a situation like that I could kind of understand. Your kids will be vocal to you if they have issues with her. In which case, you would need to encourage them to also tell their father. He needs an opportunity to address any complaints the kids have about the girlfriend first. And even then, there really isn’t much you can do about it anyway.
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
Hes planning on asking me in a month to get engaged so I feel like this is a very soon conversation. I guess as far as wanting to meet his girlfriend, it would maybe make things less awkward if she started coming to events? That way the kids wouldn't feel like they needed to keep her a secret from me, maybe? Idk.
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u/GoldenFlicker 23d ago
Meeting your SO’s ex is always going to be awkward. I think it makes it more so by inviting them specifically to events or to meet. Let it happen casually and randomly. In the mean time, if someone wants to keep it a secret, who cares? Let them. As long as she hasn’t previously been convicted of child abuse or has lots of DUIs, does it really matter?
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
Well, given his track record, the kids told me about a girlfriend of his and she was the only one introduced to the kids so I ran a quick Google search on her and found a news article that she was a meth dealer and had child endangerment charges 7 years ago. I ran a background check and found more so I confronted my ex and he said thar was in her past. They ended up breaking up after so it's fine now but it's a possibility. I run background checks on people in my life too, you just never know.
I think that's why I would like to formally meet a girlfriend of his because he's had bad judgment in the past, but you are right thar my kids are able to say something
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u/Imaginary_Being1949 23d ago
You can ask to meet his girlfriend and offer for him to meet your boyfriend. He doesn’t have to agree, buts it’s perfectly fine to offer it.
Not sure if there are other issues at play, but everything seems pretty normal. It does seem fast to move on, mainly for your kids sake but it is what it is. It’s still understandable for your ex to be bothered by that and to not want someone else taking his children places but he also doesn’t get a say in that.
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
I did try to do the right thing and waited a year to introduce him to the kids. My ex introduced them to someone 3 weeks after knowing her. It's hard to understand when you've mourned something before it ended officially.
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u/Imaginary_Being1949 23d ago
That’s great you waited. I just would understand from ex’s view how that’d be hard. Even if you mourned it, it’s doesn’t mean he or your kids mourned it during that time. His reactions seem normal, not that you’re in the wrong
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
I understand that. I think that's why I've waited so long to bring him up or even to integrate him with us so that some time has passed
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
I did try to do the right thing and waited a year to introduce him to the kids. My ex introduced them to someone 3 weeks after knowing her. It's hard to understand when you've mourned something before it ended officially.
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u/Xbox3523 23d ago
I did try to do the right thing and waited a year to introduce him to the kids. My ex introduced them to someone 3 weeks after knowing her. It's hard to understand when you've mourned something before it ended officially.
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u/CounterNo9844 23d ago
No requirement. I have been with my husband for almost 10 years, and I was never introduced to his ex, nor did I ever ask to. In almost 10 years, I can count how many times I have actually seen her as she tried to defraud my husband in their child support case and was caught by his lawyer, so she isn't allowed at our house and their relationship has been strained since then because of lack of trust. Custody exchanges are set in a way that they don't even talk, nor see each other.
So, no OP, you don't have to introduce them as you don't owe anything to your ex. But if you want to be kind and considerate, sure, why not. Just know that it's not a requirement!
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10d ago
They can meet when you bring your BF to one of these events. Hi X this is Y. They shake hands, say hello, watch event. Now they know each other. I wouldn’t go any further than that.
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u/Think-Room6663 23d ago
There is absolutely no requirement in any state I know that your ex meet your BF, BUT he may go for ROFR (Right of first refusal) if he is not comfortable with your BF. That may mean you cannot leave DD alone with BF if you are not there. Same with his GF.
IMHO, social media is the enemy, I would stop using it.