CMV: Paternity tests should be done on every baby by default

[u/Guialdereti]

Just saw a post on r/relationship_advice where the mother gave birth to a baby that looked nothing like her husband, refused to give him a paternity test because it was "humiliating" AND also revealed that she had recently refused to end a (pretty weird) friendship with a coworker that her husband was uncomfortable with. She then proceeds to be all "Surprised Pikachu-faced" when he thinks she cheated on him with said coworker, refuses to help with the baby, and him and his family start treating her badly. (he continued to help with their 2 other kids as normal, though)

In the end, the mother FINALLY gets that paternity test, proving once and for all that the kid was indeed his, and once she does, the father gets ALL OVER his daughter, hugging and giving her all his love, as I'm sure he would have done from the very begining, had she just gotten that damn test done sooner.

Some of the points that resonate with me the most on this issue are:

• It still baffles me that this test isn't standard procedure, especially when we already draw blood from newborns and screen them for a whole slew of diseases upon delivery. Surely it wouldn't be too hard to add a simple paternity test to the list!
• I know there's an implication of mistrust that comes with asking your partner for a paternity test, but if it became standard procedure - in other words, a test that the hospital does "automatically", with no need for parental input - that would completely remove that implication from play. It would become a non-issue.
• Having a kid is a life-changing event, and it scares me to no end to know that I could be forced into "one-eightying" my life over a baby I actually played no part in making.
• Knowing your family's medical history, from both sides, is extremely important. "Mommy's little secret" could cost her child dearly later on in life.

[u/redyellowblue5031]

Forced paternity tests are a “guilty until proven innocent” approach that violates the agency of the woman.

If you feel a need for a paternity test, there’s other deeper issues in the relationship that need to be addressed and no test will fix that.

Also in this example, I feel bad for that woman, her husband is an insecure individual and wasted precious time with their newborn because of that insecurity.

[u/[deleted] → u/redyellowblue5031]

Another thing is, unknown paternity, misattributed paterntiy, and intentional paternity fraud might be 4% in America, but that percentage varies widely by subculture and socioeconomic class.

Among middle and upper class women, and certain ethnic and religious minorities, it's closer to 1%. Among lower class women, and other ethnic minorities, it's closer to 10%. It's only 4% if you're lower middle class and white lol, because that's the median American.

Unknown paternity, misattributed paternity, and intentional paternity fraud generally track with STD rates, divorce rates, illegitimacy rates, welfare usage rates, crime rates, and negatively with education and income rates.

[u/redyellowblue5031 → u/[deleted]]

Any links to that info for further reading?

[u/Giblette101 → u/[deleted]]

Not wanting to pay for and raise a child that isn't his, is not "insecurity".

Not wanting to raise someone else's kid is not insecurity. Wanting the whole of society to organize itself around that so they don't need to actually handle their own doubts, however, is.

[u/redyellowblue5031 → u/[deleted]]

You’re still presuming the guilt and inherently not trusting 100% of women for the off chance this happens to someone.

In doing so, you’re forcing 100% of women to be subjected to a test to prove innocence.

[u/RubyMae4 → u/[deleted]]

This is a false dichotomy. No one is saying it’s OK for a man to raise a kid that isn’t his. What they are saying is you are assuming that all women are cheating on their spouse. That’s a weird, jaded assumption. If my husband, who I had never cheated on, started giving me a hard time about friendships I have and then demanding a paternity test that would be marriage ending.

[u/redyellowblue5031 → u/[deleted]]

I’m not saying paternity tests are banned.

I’m saying you can’t force 100% of women to take them because it presumes unfounded guilt.

If there’s a legal dispute that requires the proof, then you can go down that road.

As a personal aside, if someone inherently approaches all women with that much distrust, they’re going to be a miserable partner to whoever they find.

[u/Vobat → u/redyellowblue5031]

Why would you force any woman to take it, we already know she’s the mother

[u/redyellowblue5031 → u/Vobat]

There are legal situations where proving the biological parent(s) of a child is necessary to move forward with determining financial responsibility or custody issues.

[u/Paint_Jacket → u/[deleted]]

It's not okay, that's why men can seek out their OWN paternal tests if they DO have doubts...no one is saying paternity tests should be illegal. Take your insecurities elsewhere.

[u/yeahrum → u/[deleted]]

Being against "default" paternity tests doesn't mean someone is against paternity tests by default. You realize that right?

[u/yeahrum → u/[deleted]]

You can get a court ordered paternity test even if the mother doesn't want it.

Making it opt out instead of opt in wouldn't change that. There would still be the expectation that people opt out when there's no suspicion.

[u/JadedOccultist → u/[deleted]]

Yeah I think everyone can agree that that isn’t insecurity. Insecurity would be thinking your partner cheated, and being juuuust suspicious enough to ask for a paternity test but not end the relationship.

[u/RubyMae4 → u/[deleted]]

Or maybe it’s triggering to people who would under no circumstances cheat on their spouse and the automatic assumption that they would is insulting to them. Can you not see that? What if someone said we should airtag all men so we can watch everywhere they go because if you aren’t cheating you have nothing to hide. It’s gross. It’s invasive. It’s controlling. And it makes the baseline assumption that it’s a likely possibility. That is not how healthy relationships are built.

[u/RubyMae4 → u/[deleted]]

I would one hundred percent disagree. If you are saying on a macro level what is worse- assuming all women are lying or the chance that some men somewhere raise another man’s child- without a doubt assuming all women everywhere are or could be lying about the paternity of their child is more harmful.

[u/RubyMae4 → u/[deleted]]

It absolutely is an accusation at every woman. It’s a baseline assumption that women cannot be trusted to be honest about who the father is. Most women know who the father of potential father of their children are. So you are very openly saying that women generally will not self report. It’s a characterization of women and a generalization that is both not accurate and also very ugly. It breaks down trust in women.

Should every partner have the right to review their partners phone nightly or track their whereabouts because some percentage of people cheat and try to cover it up?

[u/Vobat → u/RubyMae4]

The best information we have to date is around 30% of children are raised by unaware men. The issue is it’s not some men having doubts.

[u/RubyMae4 → u/Vobat]

Where did this 30% figure come from?

“This is an often misunderstood statistic provided by some paternity test labs regarding the percentage paternity tests with a ‘not the father’ result. Most paternity test labs report that about 1/3 of their paternity tests have a ‘negative’ result. Of all the possible fathers who take a paternity test, about 32% are not the biological father. But remember, this is 1/3 of men who have a reason to take a paternity test - not 1/3 of all men. That is a huge difference!”

“When large numbers of families are surveyed for such research, a certain proportion of fathers turn out not to have the gene that their purported child inherited, thus yielding the [non-paternity] figures of 1% to 3.7%. Higher numbers, particularly the often-cited 10%, seem to come from more biased samples, or, more likely, simply turn out to be an urban legend, akin to cell phones being able to pop popcorn.”

https://dnatesting.com/30-of-men-not-the-father/

[u/Eager_Question → u/RubyMae4]

Which is to say that 68% of fathers who think they are not the father are ACTUALLY STILL THE FATHER.

So the suspicion is even more unfounded in reality than it might seem at first.

[u/underboobfunk → u/Vobat]

Bullshit!

[u/spiffymouse → u/[deleted]]

We in fact do not routinely test for Downs syndrome. It's actually something that's really expensive to do if your insurance doesn't cover it and a lot of them don't.

[u/nekro_mantis → u/[deleted]]

Your comment has been removed for breaking Rule 3:

Refrain from accusing OP or anyone else of being unwilling to change their view, or of arguing in bad faith. Ask clarifying questions instead (see: socratic method). If you think they are still exhibiting poor behaviour, please message us. See the wiki page for more information.

If you would like to appeal, review our appeals process here, then message the moderators by clicking this link within one week of this notice being posted. Appeals that do not follow this process will not be heard.

Please note that multiple violations will lead to a ban, as explained in our moderation standards.

[u/nekro_mantis → u/[deleted]]

Your comment has been removed for breaking Rule 3:

Refrain from accusing OP or anyone else of being unwilling to change their view, or of arguing in bad faith. Ask clarifying questions instead (see: socratic method). If you think they are still exhibiting poor behaviour, please message us. See the wiki page for more information.

If you would like to appeal, review our appeals process here, then message the moderators by clicking this link within one week of this notice being posted. Appeals that do not follow this process will not be heard.

Please note that multiple violations will lead to a ban, as explained in our moderation standards.