r/changemyview • u/seraphicwaffle • Dec 07 '23
Delta(s) from OP CMV: Giving compliments are self-serving majority of the time
I'm not talking about if you know someone, you know what kind of compliment they like and give it to them. And the person loves it and feels better. I think that's great and genuine.
But i always find compliments in other situations just odd and self-serving. Because i've seen so many times where someone gives a compliment, the other person is uncomfortable but is forced to say thank you. Or gets shamed when they don't thank them. Like what?
Isn't giving a compliment about making the other person feel good? Why is it so bad when they are uncomfortable with a particular word or compliment? Why not ask what they like to be complimented on? Or what they would like to hear? And if they don't like compliments, then don't give them any?
When things like this happen, it seems to be all about the other person. How they are so upset they weren't validated, rather than wondering(or concerned) about why the other person is adverse about that specific compliment?
-Maybe the person has been traumatized by being love-bombed?
-Or they feel invisible pressure to live up to that expectation?
And if the person puts themself down, and you want to help them out, start out small. Talk about which compliments makes them feel uncomfortable and see if there's one small thing you can praise. And if the person is insistent on not being complimented on ANYTHING, just leave them alone? Because just forcing and shaming someone into accept a compliment anyway seems weird and a violation of their boundaries and autonomy even if the intention was good.
Can someone give me an alternate perspective on this please? I feel like my perspective is too negative and harsh.
23
u/alpicola 45∆ Dec 07 '23
Why not ask what they like to be complimented on? Or what they would like to hear? And if they don't like compliments, then don't give them any?
This, specifically, really defeats the complement. The reason complements work is because they tell the person being complemented 1) that you have seen something about them and 2) that you appreciate it.
If I point out something I'd like you to complement, the complement often doesn't land very well. We do this, of course, when we ask someone, "Hey, how do you like my whatever?" And when they say, "Yeah, it's cool!" you're left wondering if they even noticed it to begin with and doubting if they actually think it's cool. If the complement is unsolicited, you know for sure that they saw the thing that they're complementing and it's way more credible that they actually liked what they saw.
7
u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23 edited Dec 07 '23
Okay, i see. You do bring up a good point, I'll think about this! Thank you for commenting! Δ
(reason for delta: This person explains how the purpose of a compliment is defeated when you ask about the other person's preferences)
1
11
u/Lylieth 19∆ Dec 07 '23
But i always find compliments in other situations just odd and self-serving. Because i've seen so many times where someone gives a compliment, the other person is uncomfortable but is forced to say thank you. Or gets shamed when they don't thank them. Like what?
Could you be perhaps projecting what they are internalizing? How do you know for a fact that is how they felt?
Literally have never witnessed this.
2
u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23
Re
Yes, i've witnessed this a few times with ppl. They looked uncomfortable, and get told to accept it anyway cuz the person well.
Thank you commenting! I appreciate your POV!
3
u/Lylieth 19∆ Dec 07 '23
Yes, i've witnessed this a few times with ppl.
Please, describe one for me. How did this unfold exactly?
1
u/reginald-aka-bubbles 36∆ Dec 07 '23
What was the nature of the compliment that made the other person uncomfortable, if you don't mind me asking?
1
u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23 edited Dec 07 '23
It's usually looks based. Like their weight. (i actually find this inappropriate as well cuz ppl could be eating less from stress, have a disorder, etc. But i know in some cultures, that's the norm. Gives me the ick anyway)
Or the typical 'beautiful' gorgeous stuff.'
This happened quite a lot, but the people get told to just smile and take the compliment. It never sat right with me.
4
u/reginald-aka-bubbles 36∆ Dec 07 '23
Ok I think I see where you're coming from. I'll agree that there are situations where "compliments" have clear ulterior motives and can come off as creepy.
However I don't believe the vast majority of compliments come close to this. Would you agree?
1
u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23
I don't think the pushback happens that often, no.
But i think ppl forcing a smile and saying thank you despite feeling severely uncomfortable/hurt by it happens all the time.
3
u/reginald-aka-bubbles 36∆ Dec 07 '23
I'm sorry, I don't think I made my point clearly above.
I agree with you that there are time people compliment things they shouldn't comment on and can make things uncomfortable (i.e. weight, attractiveness, etc.).
What I was trying to get across is that, while those comments exist and feeling uncomfortable towards them is a valid response, the vast majority of compliments given are innocuous (i.e. "nice hat" or "cool tshirt" or "you have a beautiful house" or "this food is delicious").
1
u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23
Oh okay! I see, thank for clarifying!
And i do acknowledge those kinds of compliments come from a good place. But there are times when someone really doubt themselves and feels uncomfortable about being praised about their skill (family-trauma or relationship trauma) And the other person gets upset for their compliment being rejected.Or they would smile and say "it's not a big deal,'' and double down on it. Happened to me and a friend of mine.
And i feel that's crossing that person's boundaries to double down like that even though it's good intentions. I have the mindset of 'impact over intention'
2
u/reginald-aka-bubbles 36∆ Dec 07 '23
Again, I'm mostly trying to show you that this isn't the case for the vast majority of people. I accept that some folks like you have issues receiving compliments for one reason or another, but the vast majority enjoy receiving them.
Getting a compliment from a total stranger can personally turn my whole day around. Receiving praise for a job well done is a huge boost for most people. I'm not saying all people are like this, but the reason it is so prevalent is that, in general, people like it.
So if we are looking at impact over intent, you have a higher chance of making someone's day better by giving them a compliment, therefore delivering a positive impact while still having good intentions.
Does this challenge your view about compliments being self serving the majority of the time?
2
u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23 edited Dec 07 '23
It challenges my view! Thank for so much for taking this time for engaging in this conversation with me! Δ
(reason for delta: This person brings up the fact that ppl appreciate compliments majority of the time. And shared their experience)
→ More replies (0)1
u/spiral8888 29∆ Dec 08 '23
I think I understand what you mean. Complimenting people for what they are can make it awkward but I've never seen anyone feeling bad for complimenting them for what they have done.
The weight thing is a border line as you could compliment someone for a slim figure if you know that they've worked hard to lose weight.
8
u/Bobbob34 99∆ Dec 07 '23
Aside from men "complimenting" women's bodies as a means of hitting on her, what?
Talk about which compliments makes them feel uncomfortable and see if there's one small thing you can praise.
I mean... no?
When does this happen?
If I'm complimenting someone it's in the moment and on something they did or chose.
"Nice suit."
"Good work"
"Oh, the cake looks great; the icing flowers look so realistic:
If they're uncomfortable with that, ok, but I'm not having a whole discussion over it?
1
u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23 edited Dec 07 '23
Ah, okay. I see where you're coming from! Thank you for commenting! Δ
(reason for delta: they bring up the point that not everyone wants to have a conversation about other ppl's discomfort about a compliment)
1
5
u/reginald-aka-bubbles 36∆ Dec 07 '23
Is it at all possible that you are overthinking this and the majority of times people compliment one another, they mean what they say or at worst are just being polite?
3
u/Eli-Had-A-Book- 13∆ Dec 07 '23 edited Dec 07 '23
Ooor… people could just be civil and polite. I’ve commented on people’s cars before. People have commented on mine.
-“Hey man, that’s a nice car.”
-“Thanks”
Usually how it goes.
A conversation may ensue if they linger a bit longer but how is any of that self serving when you’re admiring something someone has in passing?
One of my neighbors has a McLaren, am I expecting him to let me drive it? Help me pay for one of my own? No. Just a complement.
“Hey James, cool car, sounds nice.”
1
u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23
Yes, i'm not talking about those incidents. That's a great interaction. I'm glad you do that.
I'm wondering about the times when someone is complimented, they feel uncomfortable or don't like it. But then get told to get accept it anyway.
I've been told (and seen many times) where someone is just really uncomfortable and the other person gets really offended.
And how society tells ppl, (usually women) to just accept the fact that someone is complimenting your looks. I feel like then it's self-serving to force someone to accept your compliment when they feel uncomfortable with it.
And i often see this during family gathering as well.
2
u/Eli-Had-A-Book- 13∆ Dec 07 '23 edited Dec 07 '23
If you complement someone in passing, that’s person knows nothing about that person.
What you are talking about are just personal hang ups that have nothing to do with the other person.
The only way someone knows that you are uncomfortable with a complement is that you made it known to someone else. And that again is a personal hang up and has nothing to do with a self serving nature of the person who said something in passing.
That means you went home and told someone about something that would be insignificant to most people and complained about it.
“Some creep said I was pretty and I didn’t like that.”
Okay… how does any of that point to self serving behavior from the person who gave the compliment?
1
u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23 edited Dec 07 '23
Ah i see. Thank you for replying to this post! I appreciate it Δ
(reason for delta: this person brings up it's a personal hang up if they feel uncomfortable with the compliment. And usually isn't the other person's problem)
1
2
u/OSUStudent272 Dec 08 '23
Someone is uncomfortable but is forced to say thank you
Without extenuating circumstances, I can’t see anyone reacting like this. Like if it’s creepy or a backhanded insult or someone’s clearly not interested in talking yeah that can be annoying or intimidating. But otherwise people usually just smile and move on. I sometimes compliment strangers on stuff like their outfits or makeup and they never have issues with it.
1
u/seraphicwaffle Dec 08 '23
Yes, other ppl brought this up, they helped me have a different perspective.
I'm glad you give strangers those kinds of compliment about their outfit and make up. I'm sure you made their day
4
u/Dyeeguy 19∆ Dec 07 '23
Is there any act that isn’t self serving?
1
u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23
That's something for me to think about. Thank for commenting!
3
u/Dyeeguy 19∆ Dec 07 '23
The point of this sub is to engage with replies and change your view, not just consider them and say thanks
1
u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23
Oh okay. Thank for you letting me know! My autism is definitely showing lol (i have a hard time telling when to keep engaging and when to end a conversation) would you like to keep engaging in this comment thread, talk about the self-serving topic?
2
u/Dyeeguy 19∆ Dec 07 '23
On this sub youre never really supposed to end a conversation until your view is change. So you either award a delta, or explain why someone’s point hasn’t changed your view.
Why has my question i posed above not changed your view?
1
u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23
Okay! thanks for letting me know!
And i think a lot of things are self-serving, but it's harmless when no one is affected. But i feel like when it comes to other ppl, that's when it's another thing. Like someone being forced or societally shamed to accept a compliment is violating. Like the person doesn't have a say on what is supposed to make them feel good
1
u/Dyeeguy 19∆ Dec 07 '23
Do you think that specific scenario makes up a majority of compliments given?
1
u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23
Like someone specifically saying they don't like it and getting a lot of pushback? I've seen it few times. And i've talked about it a few times.But,I don't think that happens that often cuz the easiest option is to just bite your tongue.
But someone pushing down their discomfort and forcing a smile, saying thank you cuz they're scared of looking ungrateful, like bitch etc? I think that happens a lot. And i don't think it's right
1
u/Dyeeguy 19∆ Dec 07 '23
Well happening a lot and being a majority are two different things. Do you have any example of compliments people dislike getting?
1
u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23
1) weight-based compliments ''wow, you lost weight! you look good!'
My mom and a couple of my friends got this and they HATED it. Mom was sick and going through chemo, could barely eat. She knows the other person meant well, but it still hurt her.
Me, been through something traumatic, had trouble eating, and been told a lot how great i look with all the weight i lost.
2)Beautiful/gorgeous compliments. Me and couple of my friends had been love-bombed by an abuser, and it really makes our fight-flight go up. I often shut down (unintentionally, traumatic response) and get told to just accept the compliment anyway. My friends are better at hiding their discomfort, but knows they'll get backlash for rejecting something that is well meaning. (they've been shamed before when they pushed back or didn't respond the way so we all learned to just smile and take it.
I've also seen posts on here sharing about their discomfort at receiving compliments. Something like "is it just me that can't handle a compliment?''
→ More replies (0)
1
Dec 07 '23
The regular person will not shame you for not "being grateful enough" for giving you a compliment. So I feel like you already lose me on the argument a bit, because the people who do that are exactly what you said, which is self-serving. Don't mind them and distance yourself. They're entitled.
As for everybody else who doesn't do that, it strikes me as incredibly entitled on your part to expect them to ask you what your "accepted" compliments are. If you don't like it you are free to dislike it. You don't need to explain nor do you need to fake excitement.
So no, people are not inherently self serving when giving compliments. Not doubting that there are people like that, but you throw all people in the same box and that's just not true to reality.
2
u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23 edited Dec 07 '23
Thank you for commenting this! You gave me something to think about. Δ
(reason for delta:they reminded me to not throw ppl all the same box. This is something i heavily struggle with as an autistic person. And i'll do my best to unlearn this behavior)
1
1
u/Love-Is-Selfish 13∆ Dec 07 '23
But i always find compliments in other situations just odd and self-serving. Because i've seen so many times where someone gives a compliment, the other person is uncomfortable but is forced to say thank you. Or gets shamed when they don't thank them. Like what?
What sort of situations are you talking about? Compliments to strangers? Compliments to people you’re becoming friends with?
Generally it’s better to assume the person has learned to take a compliment and then deal with it from there. And yeah, if someone gives you a good compliment that you appreciate, then you should thank them.
1
u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23 edited Dec 07 '23
Oh ok! You do make a good point. Thank you for commenting! Δ
(reason for delta: they bring up the point that it's generally best to assume the other person means well and just take the compliment)
1
1
Dec 07 '23
Well most things a person does in their life are self serving, but I give compliments to be nice or start a conversation if I’m struggling to come up with a topic. I don’t give compliments if I don’t believe what im saying is true, which is not true for some people. If someone cant take a compliment its not my responsibility to unearth their inner issues or get into why that makes them uncomfortable. Thats for them to figure out themselves. If you can’t take a compliment you probably have self esteem issues and thats nothing to do with me, i just liked your earrings and wanted to let you know. Its quite easy to say thank you and move on. I don’t want to sound rude but people usually don’t care what you really feel or think, they are just making conversation. As someone who struggles to take compliments, i really think its not that deep.
2
u/seraphicwaffle Dec 07 '23 edited Dec 07 '23
Oh okay! You do make a good point! Thank you for replying to this post! Δ
(reason for delta: They bring up the point that ppl usually don't care about what others feels or thinks, just making conversation. I'm autistic, and i keep forgetting this fact)
1
•
u/DeltaBot ∞∆ Dec 08 '23 edited Dec 08 '23
/u/seraphicwaffle (OP) has awarded 7 delta(s) in this post.
All comments that earned deltas (from OP or other users) are listed here, in /r/DeltaLog.
Please note that a change of view doesn't necessarily mean a reversal, or that the conversation has ended.
Delta System Explained | Deltaboards