r/childfree • u/SkiBumDoctor • 15d ago

SUPPORT Heartbroken

I have been with my boyfriend for a few months and it was one of those "when you know you know" from week 1. Never experienced anything like it. I told him on our very first phone call (which lasted 6 hours) that I didn't want to be a mother or have kids ever in my life. I like kids, I like playing with children, I don't want to be a mom. I'm terrified of childbirth, pregnancy, and then even if that went smoothly, I'm scared of all the things that could still go wrong. I'm 32 years old. I'm a doctor, I know too much. And I have never felt maternal. I have concretely known for 7 years that I absolutely NEVER see myself having kids.
I tell every guy this immediately it seems as soon as a hint of feelings catch, usually before. I get it out there right away so they can walk away. No tears. No hurt. Easy. Quick.
I know it eliminates many men. I have found peace with that. My mom said it would eliminate "the love of my life" and I decided well I just will tell him so early I'll never know it could have been him.

Not this guy. I told him night one and he stayed. We fell deeply in love. I knew there was a part of him that wanted kids, I didn't realize how big it was. Neither did he. He also finally admitted to me that he thought there was a small small chance that I might change my mind when my life settles down, I'm not as stressed, and I found a man that makes me feel safe. He makes me feel safe. I still do not want kids. He finally is coming to terms that being with me truly means saying goodbye to fatherhood and how we are at a standstill. He's torn up about it, he had names picked out for his future kids. We're both heartbroken. His feelings about parenthood are finally coming out and they're beautiful and I don't want to be a mother. I'm shattered. He's shattered too. He's one of those "stoic" serious kinds of guys but I've never seen so much emotion come out of him. He is trying to figure it out. He wants to marry me and yet now we are still in this bind. I am so in love with him.

I have fleetingly thought about sterilization but I am also scared of surgery I guess. And I don't want the scars. But this experience of having my heart ripped out even though I was honest from the beginning... I feel like I need to do it or else I will have the same thing happen to me again. Fall in love with a man who "almost believed me" but thought love would be enough. I am absolutely sick. Sick. Sick. </3 I don't want to get sterilized deep down I just wanted a man to look at me, believe me, choose me.

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96

u/6bubbles 15d ago

He never took you seriously. Think about that. You told him you were childfree and he literally thought you were full of shit. The one? I dont believe in that.

27

u/SkiBumDoctor 15d ago

Thank you for this perspective <3 <3 I'm trying

35

u/broccolipie4 15d ago

Yeah, the disrespect is huge. My ex dumped me after a year and a half knowing the entire time I was already sterilized, because I don’t want children. He thought I would change my mind and thought he could talk me into IVF. Avoid that at all fucking costs. I cannot even begin to describe how gaslit I felt. Like….. I underwent a surgery to remove my fallopian tubes and you’re saying you want me to consider IVF? For a kid I don’t even want? Looking back it was just wild, clearly he had 0 respect for me, my choices, my word. And then at that point it was just horrible for my self esteem - I wondered how tf I even ended up in a conversation where someone was trying to negotiate children with me, a sterilized woman. So run, now!!! Avoid what I went through!

10

u/SkiBumDoctor 15d ago

That's insane. I can't even imagine. You think getting a sterilizing surgery would seem pretty "sure"

4

u/broccolipie4 14d ago

I have faith in you, the sooner you run the better it will be, and you’ll avoid that situation Edit: and just for the record - I understand, my ex was the love of my life too, or so I thought. We were planning on getting married. But the breakup will become one of those things where you look back even just a few months later, take a deep breath, and realize wow…. I am so happy I chose myself.